I really worry that maybe I’m not wired correctly. I don’t seem to be able to love anyone like other people can. I love my parents, I know that I do, but I feel like I can’t really access it a lot of the time.
I love my dc, but I don’t feel like I feel it as deeply as most people do. I don’t know why. I care for them and look after them but I don’t feel my whole world revolves around them. I don’t feel like I put myself out as much as some other parents do. I just basically want them to be happy and grow up and leave home. I don’t feel any sadness about them growing up at all, in fact I’m looking forward to it.
What is wrong with me? Why am I not capable of the depth of feeling other people seem to have? I do stuff I do out of duty and because I know it’s the right thing to do but I very rarely actually feel it. I just do it because other people do it. I don’t actually want to go and watch dc play football or cricket. I never feel proud of them. I don’t feel ashamed of them either. I just feel nothing. I feel nothing most of the time.
What is that? In relationships I’ve waited for that type of love that is everything to happen and it hasn’t. I very rarely feel anything beyond irritated. I can do an excellent job of pretending though.
Mostly - in life generally - I feel despondent and bored. I don’t enjoy anything or look forward to anything and I don’t feel anything much about anything really.
I am genuinely worried there’s something really very wrong with me. Is this what it’s like to be a psychopath? A sociopath? I don’t know. I don’t seem to form connections like other people. I’ve plenty of friends but if they all dropped out my life tomorrow I wouldn’t bother very much. I don’t want anything bad to happen to them of course but if I didn’t see them again I wouldn’t be very bothered.
My parents I’ve hardly seen over lockdown and I don’t miss them at all. I almost feel like they no longer exist. I’ve stopped phoning them or anything and they’ve given up calling me because they know I won’t answer.
I do love my dc, but I’m not sure it’s the love everyone else feels.
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Relationships
Why can’t I love anyone properly?
Buzzysocks · 09/05/2021 22:34
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