I've done something

(26 Posts)
Pollypocket89 Tue 04-May-21 12:15:48

I think I've done something stupid

For those that read my other threads, I'm not sure what context I can give for anyone that hasn't - my dh had a friendship with a work colleague, potentially an emotional affair

This morning I checked his phone. I saw her on there and blocked her. She left 3 weeks ago so I don't think any contact is appropriate. The messages were infrequent and not flirty at all but it made me feel sick that he was still entertaining her

OP’s posts: |
Wanderlusto Tue 04-May-21 12:27:50

Have you talked with him about her?
Did her leaving have anything to do with him?

Pollypocket89 Tue 04-May-21 12:56:22

We have talked numerous times and he's always denied anything

I don't think leaving was to do with him

OP’s posts: |
Wanderlusto Tue 04-May-21 13:03:57

Just wondered if he had told you he would cut contact. And that's why you were pissed he was still in touch?

You could unblock and hope no one notices...but I think I'd be inclined to accidentally drop the phone out a 20 story block of flats xD

Then if he gets a new phone and adds her again to contacts...maybe you have reason to be pissed off.

Tbh though it sounds like you are worrying about nothing and it's making you gaga. Maybe if the trust is gone, its time to call it a day. Relationships are supposed to make your life easier and happier. If they don't...

Itisablessing Tue 04-May-21 13:07:09

How much longer are you willing for this torture to continue? This is so unfair on you op. I would separate for now, and find your feet on your own. The trust has gone, and probably isn't coming back.

You are prolonging the pain with second chances. If it is not her, it will be someone else. flowers

Pollypocket89 Tue 04-May-21 14:29:26

We're having another baby due at the end of the month, that's why I've stayed

I really thought with her leaving it was completely done. He knows I blocked her and we fought but he's accepted that

OP’s posts: |
Gabriellastella Tue 04-May-21 14:34:01

Polly I am so sorry. I don't think he has your back. Do you have some rl support?

TakeYourFinalPosition Tue 04-May-21 14:36:32

I really thought with her leaving it was completely done.

That’s risky. It’s perhaps removed the immediate temptation, but nothing else.

Do you have other support?

Objectively, just from what you’ve said in this thread, I wouldn’t be confident that he’s at all trustworthy, or that he’s got your back.

Wanderlusto Tue 04-May-21 14:37:28

If he knows its causing you all this distress then either she is so important that he is still holding on to her. Or she means absolutely nothing to him, but neither do you. So he couldn't give a shit that still talking to her hurts you.

I'm sorry but it sounds like the later. He doesnt give a jot about you or the baby.

You would be wise to get free of him before the baby comes. Because itll be harder for a while once the baby is there.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 04-May-21 14:38:03

I remember your other threads, and I'm sorry to say this but your relationship is doomed. There is no trust here.

Pollypocket89 Tue 04-May-21 15:32:31

We already have dc together so the baby won't change anything there.

Im not proud I did it but I just couldn't take it. There had been nothing for a really long time and a few WhatsApp messages pushed me over the edge apparently. She asked for a garages phone number and he answered and she didn't reply

OP’s posts: |
Doitorwait Tue 04-May-21 18:17:52

Short term solution, unblock her and then he may think she unfriended him, and she will think the same and they'll either never talk again or re-add each other.
Long-term there could be another friend/colleague, if you don't trust him you need to either learn too, leave him or be prepared for a miserable relationship with no trust or respect.

Twinkie01 Tue 04-May-21 18:20:20

I've been there. Blocking her was the number one condition to continuing with our marriage. It's the very least he can do OP.

Pollypocket89 Tue 04-May-21 18:46:12

He's still following her on Instagram. His argument was that they barely talk, there were maybe 4 messages in the last month so doesn't understand my problem

OP’s posts: |
Twinkie01 Tue 04-May-21 19:54:55

No sorry that's just not acceptable, he cuts all ties completely to safeguard your marriage and your fucking sanity!

Windmillwhirl Tue 04-May-21 20:05:56

She is more important than your marriage if he can't stop following hero social media.

As others have said, this is doomed. He probably thinks you will never leave him with a newborn baby. In fact I would bet that is it.

Windmillwhirl Tue 04-May-21 20:06:23

Her on*

Mytym Tue 04-May-21 20:25:46

He should've blocked her himself because its upsetting you. I'd be upset too.

Maze76 Tue 04-May-21 20:31:53

So sorry OP. I think honk you need to tell him what you’ve done and why. No arguing or shouting, just plain matter of facts. How he reacts will tell you all you need to know. I think asking him to leave the house is also a good idea. The stress of this is t doing you or baby any good

Pollypocket89 Tue 04-May-21 21:10:18

He does know, see above, we fought. I saw it, blocked her then shouted at him. I just couldn't believe she was back in my life, even just on his phone. I think he doesn't understand why of all things I flipped over a mechanic recommendation. She wasn't flirting with him at all but it's like she'll be in his head forever

OP’s posts: |
CandyLeBonBon Tue 04-May-21 21:45:48

@Pollypocket89 you've been posting for months about this, or variations thereof.

You don't trust him, so there is no relationship.

I know it's awful. I really do. But how much more torture are you going to put yourself through before you pull the plug?

youvegottenminuteslynn Tue 04-May-21 22:10:13

CandyLeBonBon

*@Pollypocket89* you've been posting for months about this, or variations thereof.

You don't trust him, so there is no relationship.

I know it's awful. I really do. But how much more torture are you going to put yourself through before you pull the plug?


This.

The relationship is totally toxic now, you need to focus on splitting up and coparenting rather than allowing this dynamic to continue until inevitably you fall out and there's a kid with warring parents who hate each other.

happytohavefoundyou Tue 04-May-21 22:50:34

@Pollypocket89 have you spoken to her?...
that is the one you should be talking to.

Message calmly, say that you believe an affair maybe happens, even if it's just emotionally,
That due to the baby coming you feel that you need to clearly understand the situation.

You are not contacting her for trouble, or drama but just to understand the situation.

I did this and the other women was extremely helpful. She actually knew nothing of me, and was upset that this situation had happened. We both been lied to by a man child that needed attention.

Even if she knows about you, it is him who has caused this situation. It sounds like you are annoying him & getting involved in his business, cause he doesn't sound like a respectful dp.

ZingTrap Tue 04-May-21 23:01:11

I have done this before too. Also messaged her before blocking to ask her to stop messaging my husband.

My husband knew I did it after the fact. If he had a problem with it he knows where the door is. I'm not going to entertain his association with a past colleague when there's no need for it and she's fishing for complements that he was too oblivious of the situation to give.

HalzTangz Tue 04-May-21 23:03:24

Pollypocket89

I think I've done something stupid

For those that read my other threads, I'm not sure what context I can give for anyone that hasn't - my dh had a friendship with a work colleague, potentially an emotional affair

This morning I checked his phone. I saw her on there and blocked her. She left 3 weeks ago so I don't think any contact is appropriate. The messages were infrequent and not flirty at all but it made me feel sick that he was still entertaining her


Could it be they are just friends, especially as messages are infrequent and not flirty.
Why jump to the conclusion it's an emotional affair.

Opposite sex can be friends without sexual attraction at all

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