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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I've done something

32 replies

Pollypocket89 · 04/05/2021 12:15

I think I've done something stupid

For those that read my other threads, I'm not sure what context I can give for anyone that hasn't - my dh had a friendship with a work colleague, potentially an emotional affair

This morning I checked his phone. I saw her on there and blocked her. She left 3 weeks ago so I don't think any contact is appropriate. The messages were infrequent and not flirty at all but it made me feel sick that he was still entertaining her

OP posts:

Report

beenwhereyouare · 09/05/2021 20:01

It's Mother's Day here, so a busy day, but I want to answer you properly later; maybe a pm?

In the meantime, don't be so hard on yourself. I don't think you're silly, just someone trying to hold her marriage together. The last thing you need is for you (or anyone else) beating you up about that. You need to come to a decision on your own timeline.

Pollypocket89 · 09/05/2021 19:02

That's very kind, thank you x

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beenwhereyouare · 09/05/2021 19:00

And congratulations on the new baby. I hope you have an easy delivery and get all the love and support you need.

Pollypocket89 · 09/05/2021 19:00

Thank you. I probably sound like a fool still being here and loving him still

I just really really thought it was done. The instagram is just normal photos thankfully, mainly her face or pets or friends or holidays. No lingerie thankfully. But that almost makes it worse because if he still wants to follow her when she basically said bye to him, why??

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beenwhereyouare · 09/05/2021 18:56

Oh, Polly.

I've followed all your threads, and your situation makes me hurt for you. You're a loyal, loving person who deserves so much better from him. I know you know this, but I don't think you believe it.

He's still not treating you with respect. You're NOT wrong, he IS being an ass, and the fact that he still follows her Instagram account (modeling her own lingerie creations) is just another indication that he puts her and his own feelings before yours. He shouldn't be carrying on this way still, and though the messages were innocuous on their own, they're part of the larger pattern of his inappropriate behaviour and feelings. This has been going on for such a long time. Struggling to believe and trust him must be exhausting.

You are worth so much more. Please let yourself believe this.

Pollypocket89 · 09/05/2021 16:49

I can't just move on though, I'm about to give birth.

I don't understand. If I was him and she sent me that message I'd be too embarrassed to keep following after she said have a nice life

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Pesimistic · 09/05/2021 16:39

@Pollypocket89

He does know, see above, we fought. I saw it, blocked her then shouted at him. I just couldn't believe she was back in my life, even just on his phone. I think he doesn't understand why of all things I flipped over a mechanic recommendation. She wasn't flirting with him at all but it's like she'll be in his head forever

I think the problem is she's in your head forever, you can't trust him it's time to move on

Pollypocket89 · 08/05/2021 18:32

Sorry for disappearing. We've argued a bit more. She sent him a message on Facebook saying that she'd seen she was blocked and have a nice life basically. I don't really know what to think anymore

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HalzTangz · 04/05/2021 23:03

@Pollypocket89

I think I've done something stupid

For those that read my other threads, I'm not sure what context I can give for anyone that hasn't - my dh had a friendship with a work colleague, potentially an emotional affair

This morning I checked his phone. I saw her on there and blocked her. She left 3 weeks ago so I don't think any contact is appropriate. The messages were infrequent and not flirty at all but it made me feel sick that he was still entertaining her

Could it be they are just friends, especially as messages are infrequent and not flirty.
Why jump to the conclusion it's an emotional affair.

Opposite sex can be friends without sexual attraction at all

ZingTrap · 04/05/2021 23:01

I have done this before too. Also messaged her before blocking to ask her to stop messaging my husband.

My husband knew I did it after the fact. If he had a problem with it he knows where the door is. I'm not going to entertain his association with a past colleague when there's no need for it and she's fishing for complements that he was too oblivious of the situation to give.

happytohavefoundyou · 04/05/2021 22:50

@Pollypocket89 have you spoken to her?...
that is the one you should be talking to.

Message calmly, say that you believe an affair maybe happens, even if it's just emotionally,
That due to the baby coming you feel that you need to clearly understand the situation.

You are not contacting her for trouble, or drama but just to understand the situation.

I did this and the other women was extremely helpful. She actually knew nothing of me, and was upset that this situation had happened. We both been lied to by a man child that needed attention.

Even if she knows about you, it is him who has caused this situation. It sounds like you are annoying him & getting involved in his business, cause he doesn't sound like a respectful dp.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/05/2021 22:10

[quote CandyLeBonBon]@Pollypocket89 you've been posting for months about this, or variations thereof.

You don't trust him, so there is no relationship.

I know it's awful. I really do. But how much more torture are you going to put yourself through before you pull the plug? [/quote]
This.

The relationship is totally toxic now, you need to focus on splitting up and coparenting rather than allowing this dynamic to continue until inevitably you fall out and there's a kid with warring parents who hate each other.

CandyLeBonBon · 04/05/2021 21:45

@Pollypocket89 you've been posting for months about this, or variations thereof.

You don't trust him, so there is no relationship.

I know it's awful. I really do. But how much more torture are you going to put yourself through before you pull the plug?

Pollypocket89 · 04/05/2021 21:10

He does know, see above, we fought. I saw it, blocked her then shouted at him. I just couldn't believe she was back in my life, even just on his phone. I think he doesn't understand why of all things I flipped over a mechanic recommendation. She wasn't flirting with him at all but it's like she'll be in his head forever

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Maze76 · 04/05/2021 20:31

So sorry OP. I think honk you need to tell him what you’ve done and why. No arguing or shouting, just plain matter of facts. How he reacts will tell you all you need to know. I think asking him to leave the house is also a good idea. The stress of this is t doing you or baby any good

Mytym · 04/05/2021 20:25

He should've blocked her himself because its upsetting you. I'd be upset too.

Windmillwhirl · 04/05/2021 20:06

Her on*

Windmillwhirl · 04/05/2021 20:05

She is more important than your marriage if he can't stop following hero social media.

As others have said, this is doomed. He probably thinks you will never leave him with a newborn baby. In fact I would bet that is it.

Twinkie01 · 04/05/2021 19:54

No sorry that's just not acceptable, he cuts all ties completely to safeguard your marriage and your fucking sanity!

Pollypocket89 · 04/05/2021 18:46

He's still following her on Instagram. His argument was that they barely talk, there were maybe 4 messages in the last month so doesn't understand my problem

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Twinkie01 · 04/05/2021 18:20

I've been there. Blocking her was the number one condition to continuing with our marriage. It's the very least he can do OP.

Doitorwait · 04/05/2021 18:17

Short term solution, unblock her and then he may think she unfriended him, and she will think the same and they'll either never talk again or re-add each other.
Long-term there could be another friend/colleague, if you don't trust him you need to either learn too, leave him or be prepared for a miserable relationship with no trust or respect.

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Pollypocket89 · 04/05/2021 15:32

We already have dc together so the baby won't change anything there.

Im not proud I did it but I just couldn't take it. There had been nothing for a really long time and a few WhatsApp messages pushed me over the edge apparently. She asked for a garages phone number and he answered and she didn't reply

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Aquamarine1029 · 04/05/2021 14:38

I remember your other threads, and I'm sorry to say this but your relationship is doomed. There is no trust here.

Wanderlusto · 04/05/2021 14:37

If he knows its causing you all this distress then either she is so important that he is still holding on to her. Or she means absolutely nothing to him, but neither do you. So he couldn't give a shit that still talking to her hurts you.

I'm sorry but it sounds like the later. He doesnt give a jot about you or the baby.

You would be wise to get free of him before the baby comes. Because itll be harder for a while once the baby is there.

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