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(51 Posts)
cleanfreak25 Thu 21-Jan-21 19:57:47

We met in a club 18 months ago. I had been really hurt and was very vulnerable at the time and was looking for an escape. He's happy at home in the fact that they are friends rarely have Sex. they sleep in separate beds sit in different rooms. . Live like flat mates but have 2 children not married but get on well. I am divorced with children.
It's mostly via text , face time as live 3 hours apart. Have met up 3 times over the course of it and had sex, amazing sex. I know he isn't leaving his kids or his life for a dream. In reality we don't know how it Would work it probably wouldn't. Nothing good comes of other peoples hurt. I don't want him to leave , I never want her to find out. I have ended it so many times blocked etc the normal, he then even wrote me a letter to get me back. we have a really strong friendship and I always let him back in. I know he's not using me for sex as others might suggest because we hardly have any. But he is definitely using me to fill some sort of gap in his life. The guilt isn't even worth the high so why can't I just let him go before someone finds out and i am responsible for those kids not having their dad there. I'm not waiting around for him I try to date but I have had the worst luck and I guess I fall back on him as he is always their for me. Even though he really isn't. I hate myself for this I am desperate to end it and he is desperate to keep me despite the risks. I have stopped seeing him face to face I told him that won't happen anymore and Is over a year since i have seen him, but I also need to let go of the emotional side. He is like my best friend but I am just being selfish because I am lonely. I hate myself

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LittleBirdBlu Thu 21-Jan-21 20:10:22

I'm sure you're going to get flamed for posting on here, but if you really do feel as awful as you say, you need to block him everywhere and not back down. If he sends you a letter again, don't even open it, bin it straight away. You are in control of your own life and make your own decisions.

Backtoblack1 Thu 21-Jan-21 20:23:55

He's happy at home in the fact that they are friends rarely have Sex. they sleep in separate beds sit in different rooms. . Live like flat mates but have 2 children not married but get on well.

Sorry, but that is a lie. He wants his cake and to eat it. Get away from him now while you can and before you get really hurt. I was with someone who told me all of this. All of a sudden she was pregnant with his third child.

littlematchstickgirl Thu 21-Jan-21 20:39:21

It's not always a lie, maybe it could be true. That has been my situation for the past few years - we are beginning the process of separation now. It is sad, no one else is involved on either side but we are just friends now, not lovers and life partners :-(

cleanfreak25 Thu 21-Jan-21 20:55:47

I know he isn't lying. He can't possibly spend anytime with her he literally texts me 24/7. I am the one who doesn't respond to him and am busy. I ask him how he can do this he says she is always on her phone as well.

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cleanfreak25 Thu 21-Jan-21 20:59:02

As I said he says he doesn't have sex with her but he's not getting sex from me either really so I do think he is honest about his home life, but still doesn't excuse the situation

OP’s posts: |
Backtoblack1 Thu 21-Jan-21 20:59:58

Ok good luck.

cleanfreak25 Thu 21-Jan-21 21:05:08


Ok good luck.

Thanks you, either way I have to end it anyway for my own sanity

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Skyla2005 Thu 21-Jan-21 21:09:42

The only way to beat this is to go cold turkey and block him on everything and tell him to never contact you again. Doesn't sound like you will be able to do that as you are attached but it become a vicious cycle that never ends. A friend of mine was in this same position and found it so hard to go no contact but it took over her life and ultimately stopped her from meeting anyone else or ever moving forward with her life just stuck in this limbo with him never leaving his wife . It really does become toxic like a drug addict that just can't stop

cleanfreak25 Thu 21-Jan-21 21:15:48

Thanks you skyla. The guilt is over taking my life, I feel sick most days. I am convinced everything that goes wrong in my life is karma because I am such a selfish person and I deserve it. Yet still he talks me around he needs me etc and I think because I am lonely I am so weak

OP’s posts: |
Nancylovesthecock Thu 21-Jan-21 21:19:49

He's happy at home in the fact that they are friends rarely have Sex. they sleep in separate beds sit in different rooms. . Live like flat mates but have 2 children not married but get on well.

I wonder if his wife would see it the same way?

Nancylovesthecock Thu 21-Jan-21 21:20:11

Sorry, partner.

cleanfreak25 Thu 21-Jan-21 21:21:13

I have begged him to let me go if we lived closer I think he would leave but we both have kids at school etc, neither of us would move 3 hours. It's a dead end situation and he should be able to leave without having me there, he's basically filling the gaps with me.

OP’s posts: |
Shoxfordian Thu 21-Jan-21 21:24:01

You need to block him

Mermaidwaves Thu 21-Jan-21 21:26:46

These men always claim they don't sleep with their partners, have seperate rooms, live like flatmates, its always the same old story.

letsdolunch321 Thu 21-Jan-21 21:44:23

There isn't much to end @cleanfreak25 - he is totally using you to escape the boredom of being at home with his family. Course he won't leave his family, why would he when he can make a 3hour occasional journey to empty his ball bag.

You are an absolute fool for getting involved, he has told you all the normal crap knowing that he can have no strings attached sex.

Block and move on for your own sanity

Kintsugi16 Thu 21-Jan-21 21:49:54

You do realise this is entirely about him don’t you? You could be anyone, and possibly not his only OW.

You say he won’t leave his kids or life. Truth is, he won’t leave his wife because he doesn’t want to.

Catty1720 Thu 21-Jan-21 22:05:28


These men always claim they don't sleep with their partners, have seperate rooms, live like flatmates, its always the same old story.

Agree. As someone said I wonder how his partner sees their relationship

moanieleminx Thu 21-Jan-21 23:08:54

Oh goodness. Op give your head a shake

MsDogLady Thu 21-Jan-21 23:10:12

Why are you allowing this cheating loser to use you, OP?

It sounds like you jumped from one destructive relationship to another. You are sabotaging your and your children’s lives when you involve yourself with these men who diminish you.

Find your self-respect and stop being complicit in harming an innocent woman and two children. He and his Partner may or may not have issues, but she absolutely does not deserve to be made a fool of by you two.

MrsBobDylan Thu 21-Jan-21 23:19:04

You have all this dreamy 'we can't be together but we can't be apart either' going on, while he thinks of you as a bit part providing some mild distraction.

You mentioned you had blocked him a lot but why is he still able to text you 24/7. You are wasting your life on this man.

partyatthepalace Thu 21-Jan-21 23:29:25

Block him.

I am sympathetic OP but you sound like you are enjoying the drama. I believe you when you say you don’t want his partner or kids to get hurt, but if you don’t pack this in, they will, won’t they?

You are, as you say, filling a hole in his life. Do you really imagine he’s dreaming about you the way you are about him? He isn’t, because he’s going back to his family.

Get some self respect and block him. And focus on building a proper life for yourself - not on being some guy’s side dish.

cleanfreak25 Thu 21-Jan-21 23:58:02

I literally vomited after reading these comments. I wanted to tell my mum as I knew she would be so ashamed of me & that would kill me but I bottled it and posted here instead. I needed to read these and get the wake up call I needed.

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Fri 22-Jan-21 00:01:25

You know you need to block him so do it. Stop fucking around and stop making excuses. You alone are the maker of your own misery.

Whichnamepls Fri 22-Jan-21 00:12:57

Right now you are stuck in a situation where you are feeling bad over this and it's having a detrimental affect on your life. You haven't yet ended it so you are stuck in the same cycle of feelings with no way out. Possibly scared of how you will feel if you do end it fully.

If you end it, then yes you will probably still feel bad. You might feel worse for a while. The difference is there will be an end point to feeling bad. It might take some time or longer than you would want it to, but you will get over it.

This current situation you have no end point. Do yourself a kindness and let it end, for your own well-being.

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