I honestly don't know if I'm coming or going. First things first, I am no angel and I've done my fair share of bad things, which I generally am apologetic of, shameful and have felt guilty. The problem I am finding is my partner cannot seem to admit any flaws that he has, for years he would never say sorry, for years I was met with 'I don't want to talk about it', it has got better. As terrible as this sounds, and I hate saying it / typing it out loud but I find him fake. To other people he presents this lovely front, he is happy, friendly, laughs at your jokes, is animated and attentive, always talking and listening to your problems. I am not saying he is not any of these things but I find it an act sometimes and he has to be liked and I FEEL that he has to present this perfect representation of himself and can not handle not being liked or ever possible upsetting anyone in any way.
Every time I've tried to discuss something, somehow we always end up talking about me, my faults and the things I've done. I know I can do this too but even though I get defensive I do generally listen but I FEEL that the things I say are just dismissed.
He can say 'I am this and I am that' and I reflect and think about it. I say that 'he is this and that' and I never get any ackknowledgement of what we've talked about, it will just be a denial and then we're talking about my problems again.
I've got to a point whee I am thinking to myself that everything can't be my fault and it takes two to tango. I know I have issues and I'm doing my best to work on them (1 step forward, 2 steps back). Lately instead of questioning myself all the time I have decided to really keep track of things. I actually FEEL that my partner gaslights me, he is passive aggressive and retells what happens with untruths. Sorry if this is long but I'll try to give examples.
- We were discussing something and I said something, within about 2 mins he repeated what I said and it had completely changed to suit his belief of narrative. he truly believed I said 'this' but I know that I didn't and I had to be firm and say at what point did I ever say that.
- We argued last night. He was vile with me, not a problem, he was angry and I understood why even if I felt it was a bit unfair, we all get angry and frustrated. Today we ended up talking about it and he said that I shouted at he last night. Again, I know 100% that I didn't, I was proud of myself because I said a few things and walked away. I told him that the way he looked at me was horrible, not what he said or how he said it, but the look on his face. Next thing I know he said maybe you didn't shout at me but it was your face, your face said it all. I felt like once again things had been twisted back to me.
- I do my fair share around here. I have supported him for the last 2 years whilst he studied. I did everything, food, school runs, dinner, cleaning and worked myself. Lately he is working away and has done for the last 3 weeks. This morning he woke up and said 'Kids, I'll bath you later before I go' I thought great, I'm holding the fort for the next 3 days. I ask him 3 hours before he leaves if he'll be bathing them and he freaks out and says I should do it, he is working for the next 3 days. My response was you said you were going to do it, his response was, you should have said you would do it. This happens all the time, he is a Martyr to his own cause, never asks for things, expects me to do it and then gets angry when I don't. I FEEL that all he had to do was say make sure you bath the kids later. I bath them all the time, sometimes I forget but 95% of the time I do and we take it in turns.
This is just a small list of grievances in the last few weeks, but I am coming (or think I am coming) to a realisation that this has maybe been happening for nearly 15 years and I've just always questioned everything and not been sure of myself. I don't want to blame her for all of my issues but I am starting to think think that it has contributed to a decline in my mental health. On top of having my own kids which I literally am there for ALL the time. I do a huge amount of stuff with them, but on top of that I have had to be there when he needs support (a lot), I have had to be the proxy between him and his ex wife who is extremely difficult, I have had to be there for him when he has had several serious undiagnosed illnesses over the years (a lot). I have helped raise his kids from another marriage who live with us, one of them is severely autistic, which has brought different challenges as the years have passed, the other one has been stealing from everyone in the house and his other house (ex wife) for 10 years. I am there to support all of this and I FEEL I am just expected to do it.
Sorry for the caps FEEL, I just want to iterate that I am not 100% sure, it's just how I feel.
Thanks for reading all of this (if you did)