This is the first time I've ever tried to put everything in writing about my relationship and I'd love some advice as I don't feel at this stage there is anyone I can talk to openly about it without judgement.
My boyfriend and I have been together for quite a long time. We are the same age and got together at 18, still together at 33. Both each other's only real relationship.
We still get on great, we have mutual friends, close to each other's families, shared interests and still have fun and don't run out of things to talk about.
We have lived together for 11 years now and own a house together. He's a lovely person with no temper or abusive traits at all, he gives me the freedom to do as I please and I do for him. We spend time together, sometimes not as much as I'd like because he sometimes does put his own hobbies or friends first. If I raise it he is receptive for a while, not a major issue though but sometimes I do feel a bit like 'part of the furniture' rather than a priority.
He doesn't really want to get married, and isn't the best with communicating tricky topics. Whenever I used to mention marriage he would say it changes nothing which I do understand. But also if he is happy with me and we are together this long, why so anti marriage? I never wanted to either but I don't know what I want anymore.
Our sex life is quite dead, used to be ok in the beginning, the past 5 years or so it's uneventful and a couple times a year max, always initiated by me. I think we are both uncomfortable discussing it to be honest which is strange as we are comfortable to discuss most other things.
I do want to be with him but also miss physical affection and emotional closeness. He will hug me but that's usually it, I have sometimes wondered if he could be asexual or gay, or if it's just me.
I'm not proud of myself but around a year ago an older colleague pursued me. I had lost a bit of weight (was never overweight) and things still hadn't changed between us. This man gave me lots of attention and flattery. In a moment of weakness we kissed a few times but I shut it down after that (he had a partner too and was in a sexless marriage - I know that justifies nothing here).
I've been trying to work on our relationship but I still feel a bit neglected and unwanted. Sometimes it feels more of a flatmates situation and I want to fix it. We have so much history and so love each other so I don't want to leave. But I also don't want to be a bad person and risk making another poor decision.
I have toyed with the idea of asking about an open relationship. I don't think he would be for it at all, and not even sure it's realistic. I don't want to be getting random sex from different men, I want intimacy and connection. He seems happy plodding along as we are with seemingly no sex drive.
I got curious one evening and went through all of his devices just in case there was someone else. Couldn't find any evidence and he is always where he says he is, open with his passcodes and has a location tracker on (not that I've ever asked him to put it on). I also don't think he watches porn or if he does I've never picked up on it. Not that I'd mind if he did I guess.
I just need to figure out a way forward here. Is opening up our relationship going to help in any way, or do I need to work on myself, accept things as they are or force him to have an uncomfortable chat? I have struggled with anxiety and mental health issues and these are worse since the pandemic, I think being at home has given me no escape and lead to overthinking all of this and wondering what to do as I know it's not healthy.
Aside from physical/emotional connection we do get on well and he is supportive in other ways. I don't want to lose what we have but something has to change here - he's a lovely person compared to some of the slime bags here that some people find themselves with, but I feel like just 'putting up' with things isn't good for anyone.
Im starting to feel like all relationships will develop major problems over time and questioning the meaning of it all. I feel lost, scared and upset at what to do here. I'm so torn, I really don't want to lose him as he's a great companion and a lovely person in every other way.
Has anyone else been here or got any advice to give?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
What's wrong with me / my relationship - feeling a bit lost
littlemisslost88 · 15/11/2020 09:58
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