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Just had furious row with DP, gaslighting, help.

(74 Posts)
Bla484726828 Sat 31-Oct-20 00:37:04

DP and I have been together for 6 years and have 2 DC, I also have 3 DC from previous marriage.

We Argue a lot. We’ve been to counselling with relate and told that there’s no point in further counselling...

He is bullying, small minded and angry a lot of the time. We argue mainly because of the way he speak to me or because of his moods or because he wants more sex.

Final straw tonight. Watching tv with my DD (15) and MIL who is staying. DP and I have both had a few glasses of wine. DD Brings up JK Rowling/trans debate. I start explaining it to her from The feminist perspective JK Rowling was coming from. DP gets angry and starts saying it’s not just about women and “how is it ok for a woman (Trans man) to use men’s toilets/changing rooms??“.

I start explaining and every time he butts in and shouts over me. I’m at the point where I’m angry And upset and saying ffs let me speak. He then says I’ve had too much to drink and I’m shouting at him. That I should show him the statistics to say women are more at risk of assault from men etc...

MIL is just sat there in silent agreement with him. I go upstairs and pack his stuff. I’ve had enough. He has crossed a line this time. I try to call my dad and he comes into the bedroom accusing me of calling a man, says I can’t make him leave (I own the house, not him) and that I’m The bully.

I then hear him downstairs telling MIL that I hate men and telling all sorts of lies about me. I go down and ask him not to lie and try to explain my side. He says I’m chucking him out with nothing when he’s done so much work on the house and that I owe him.

MIL then starts shouting at me saying how he has his life, his kids and his business here. I tell her I don’t want to be rude to her but that she of all people shouldn’t get involved. She jumped up shouting how dare I and stormed out the house.

MIL is normally as quiet as a mouse and her son can do no wrong in her eyes.

I’m shaking and crying DD went to bed incredibly upset too. Help me get some perspective.

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Sat 31-Oct-20 00:39:21

Good riddance to bad rubbish. Change the locks and don't look back.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 31-Oct-20 00:40:01

Also, if you need to call the police to make him leave, do so immediately.

Beagledbybeagle Sat 31-Oct-20 00:42:27

Be strong, stand by what you want.

Bla484726828 Sat 31-Oct-20 00:43:42

Thanks Aqua, I’m just reeling and can’t take in what’s happened. The worst part was MIL, I just don’t understand.
Poor DD thinks it’s her fault and she should never have brought the topic up. Ive tried to explain that in normal households it’s important to have discussions about all kinds of topics and that she had every right to bring it up.

OP’s posts: |
Bla484726828 Sat 31-Oct-20 00:44:18

He seems to have left the house with MIL, it’s all quiet downstairs.

OP’s posts: |
Artandlove Sat 31-Oct-20 00:47:00

MIL should have stayed out of it.

That’s not good if you both can’t have a conversation without it spiralling out of control like that. He sounds awful.

Eekay Sat 31-Oct-20 00:47:52

Bloody hell. You've done exactly the right thing.. And btw you've given your daughter a wonderful example by showing her that a woman doesn't have to take that crap.
I know you're in shock now, but all power to you. You're a strong woman and will come out the other side of this.

incognitomum Sat 31-Oct-20 00:48:03

Good for you. You're showing your dd how she should be treated and are being a good role model.

Keep being strong. He's no good. No wonder with a dm like that tbh.

Bla484726828 Sat 31-Oct-20 00:48:14

Honestly if that had been my son I’d have been utterly ashamed and certainly not have backed him up after his bullying and gaslighting. I’m shocked.

OP’s posts: |
Bargebill19 Sat 31-Oct-20 00:48:46

Please change the locks in your doors tomorrow. Shove a chair under the handle or something for now. If you can get some sleep. He is an idiot you don’t need. (Trying to be polite).

Bla484726828 Sat 31-Oct-20 00:48:55

Thank you 😭

OP’s posts: |
AriettyHomily Sat 31-Oct-20 00:51:10

How can you be bothered with that level of shit. Change the locks.

Bla484726828 Sat 31-Oct-20 00:51:55

I’m terrified of how I’ll cope on my own with 5 DC. He knows this.

OP’s posts: |
caringcarer Sat 31-Oct-20 00:51:59

He sounds so disrespectful of women. I would do as other poster suggested and get locks changed. He needs to remember it is your house and stop ordering you about. You should be able to snuggle up on sofa together and watch TV without being talked down. If counseling did not work and he will never change your choice is more of the same or ask him to leave. Don't let him bully you.

DeeCeeCherry Sat 31-Oct-20 00:53:24

He is ignorant, and displays that ignorance in front of your DD too. You went to Relate and the fact that didn't work should tell you something. You are incompatible. Life is far too short for angry, meanminded men. There isn't a man on earth who's worth all that noise. Pain in the arse. Let mommy dearest look after him, he'll be ok. & Your home with your children will be as it should be - peaceful. They must be fed up of the noise and bad atmosphere too, it impacts negatively on their lives.

incognitomum Sat 31-Oct-20 00:54:29

Dd is old enough to do a lot to help out. Dcs can be very resourceful. Even toddlers have some uses grin

Aquamarine1029 Sat 31-Oct-20 00:55:54

I’m terrified of how I’ll cope on my own with 5 DC. He knows this.

Keep reminding yourself how damaging all the fighting is and how horrible his influence is on your children. You'll make it work.

Bla484726828 Sat 31-Oct-20 00:56:17

Thank you all so much. Honestly it been that disorientating I didn’t know whether I was the one BU...?! I’m going to try and sleep now as I know tomorrow’s going to be a fucking nightmare..

OP’s posts: |
Onthedunes Sat 31-Oct-20 01:01:51

Blimey, if that erupts just from watching TV, imagine the fallout from something life shattering, to be discussed.

Sounds like hard work especially with the flying monkey (MIL) in the corner.

Bargebill19 Sat 31-Oct-20 01:04:12

Well, you have coped with 6 up to now - 5 children should be easier? (Hope that made you smile).
You are stronger than you know. You stood up to man child-bully. You can do this and you know you can.

heuchterteuchter Sat 31-Oct-20 01:31:11

sounds like the trash took itself out!
good for you for standing up to him and his small-minded mother, apple didnt fall far from that tree!
Agree with PP, change locks, chuck his stuff out and move forward.
you can cope with your kids, you sirvived living with him and his awful mother!

SandyY2K Sat 31-Oct-20 01:35:47

The relationship has obviously died if Relate have told you there's no point and him overtaking and interjecting has resulted in him being kicked out.

Someone upthread said your DD is old enough to help...which is true, but please don't make her a second parent...That's not her job.

In hindsight maybe it would have been better to end things on a more amicable note, before it came to this given the outcome of the counselling.

Bla484726828 Sat 31-Oct-20 07:20:34

Thanks all. I’m still in my room, I haven’t seen either of them yet this morning.

I tried to end things on an amicable note a few months ago. He was adamant he wanted to give it a chance and said he would go on a course to learn better communication skills... Goes without saying he hasn’t done this.

OP’s posts: |
Whydidimarryhim Sat 31-Oct-20 07:40:41

Hi OP has he not gone then - you will cope without him - you are probably doing most of it already.
If he hasn’t gone I do suggest you pack his bags (some clothes);wait till he’s out and keep him out.
Call the police if he causes any issues.
You relationship sounds dead - you’ve had enough - it’s not a healthy partnership to mirror for your children.
Are you scared of him - I’m wondering why in your house you aren’t going downstairs to make a cup of tea.
He’s a bully.

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