Been with DH 16 years, married 10 years. 2 kids aged 4 and 6.
Things were good for the first 12 years but then he got more and more committed to work and I never saw him. We had basically no relationship at all and I eventually told him how unhappy I was. We had counselling but we found it divisive so stopped.
Then we limped along for another 2 years. I was working part time 24 hours a week, he was full time and I was also doing 100% of everything else. He refused to help with anything as I chose to work part time. My job is very demanding.
Then I became full time doing 46 hours a week but over 3 days. He still refused to help on principle and laughed when I said that I work full time too.
For months he didn’t look at me or talk to me much, despite my mother dying during this time. She was living with us during lockdown and I was her carer, on top of my full time job, looking after the children and the house. We have a nanny who comes on the days that I work.
Eventually we agreed we couldn’t go on like that and he suggested divorce. I said yes immediately and we are going down that route.
However, since we agreed to split, because the pressure is off now, he’s being really nice. Talking to me, looking at me, making me the odd coffee.
We had a day out yesterday as a family and I keep thinking, what are we doing? Why are we splitting?
I should add that he has harboured some big resentments from the past including: he feels that I came between him and his friends. The truth is they all moved abroad with work. We saw my friends more because I arranged things. He didn’t arrange stuff.
He feels that I came between him and his family. He has no real relationship with his parents but that’s down to them and because of arguments between him and his Mum. He feels we haven’t spent enough time with his brother who he adores. I think he has a point there.
He also has a big hang up about two things. One from 12 years ago. I really wanted these more expensive light fittings for our home and he feels like I pushed him into it. And I also wanted something more expensive at our wedding 10 years ago. I never would have pushed for those 2 things if I thought he would bring it up every 6 months for the next 10-12 years.
So what now? Continue with the divorce? He’s had an offer accepted on a flat nearby.
It just all feels so silly and such a waste. He’s still living with us until his place is completed and refurbished so likely until January.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Divorcing but having doubts. Help!
BlancheW · 22/07/2020 13:03
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