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Need some grown up advice here please!?

(74 Posts)
louisas96 Sat 18-Jul-20 17:16:26

Hi everyone

Not even sure if this is the right place for me to post this, I am not pregnant neither am I expecting or have any children. I'm 23, my boyfriend is 26. We have been together almost two years now. In lockdown I moved in with him, but I had to return home due to family reasons. In lockdown we had many ups and downs, it was tough. Since i've been home we've still seen one another but less often, and we've gotten on so much better. However, due to my insecurities (which I am working on) I always find myself causing such petty rows over pathetic stuff. My boyfriend is very respectful, patient, helps me mentally and is pretty much on speed dial for me whenever I need him. As I said, since i've been home we have had a few rows that have resulted in us almost breaking up, but he loves me so he's giving me a chance to work on myself and prove that we can be happy. Here is the problem, he is on a night out tonight (no sleazy bars or anything) just round his friends house with the boys for a BBQ. He's been in contact with me all day since he's been out, as he knows I hate not hearing from him for hours. Sadly, in the past there have been occasions where it got to about 10pm and I haven't heard from him until about 10am the next morning. I know that's not due to him not being loyal, as he's not like that. But I suffer from anxiety anyway so when I don't here from him for so long, I panic and have sleepless nights. This has only happened a few times in our whole relationship (he's not the type to be out every weekend anyway.) but right now i'm finding myself getting anxious already and thinking what if I don't hear from him until tomorrow. We spoke about this earlier and he said if for any reason he doesn't contact me, it's not because there's anything to worry about and it's simply because he's got carried away with his night out and is enjoying time with his friends. Which is true, as when they are out I don't ever see anyone on there phones as there is so much going on. My question is, I need some grown up and sensible advice as to how to deal with these worries and how to calm myself down? Like I said, he has been in contact with me all day, it's just the night time I worry about and it drives me mad! I'd really apprecate some advice.

Thanks everyone for reading!

OP’s posts: |
TigerDater Sat 18-Jul-20 17:26:35

Switch your phone off, and unplug the landline too if you have one.

louisas96 Sat 18-Jul-20 17:27:54

Not appropriate for me to do this as I need my phone on for other reasons, I don't have a landline though.

OP’s posts: |
louisas96 Sat 18-Jul-20 17:28:26

TigerDater

Switch your phone off, and unplug the landline too if you have one.

Not appropriate for me to do this as I need my phone on for other reasons. I don't have a landline though.

OP’s posts: |
AuntieDolly Sat 18-Jul-20 17:39:01

If he's gone out with his friends can't you tell him not to contact you until the next day? Then neither of you have any expectation of the other and can both relax and enjoy the evening.

TigerDater Sat 18-Jul-20 17:40:17

Why do you need your phone on overnight?
Anyway, that’s the only thing that worked for me when my XH used to go missing.

You seem to have got to an unhealthy place if your MH is so dependent on being in contact with one person. I think you know this needs addressing.

jeaux90 Sat 18-Jul-20 17:43:27

Look. People don't grow in each other's shadows. You are allowed your own lives. If your anxiety is related to trust then know that if he cheats it's says nothing about you and everything about him.

It's really not normal to expect to be in contact all the time on a night out, it comes across as controlling

nolovelost Sat 18-Jul-20 17:47:42

He has had to contact you all day today? You must know that's unreasonable to expect. He wants to enjoy himself, and how can he?

He may be okay with it now but you'll end uo pushing him away. Do you get out or have any hobbies? I strongly suggest you find something to do other than him and try and become a bit more independent.

What about inviting your girlie friends around?

user1645689876444 Sat 18-Jul-20 17:48:34

What do you do to soothe yourself when you feel anxious?

Because that's what you should be working on, not requiring him to soothe you.

user1645689876444 Sat 18-Jul-20 17:50:56

Also, the issue here is not just about overnight. I think it's really inappropriate that you've put him in a position where he's had to stay in contact with you all day when he should be focusing on the people he's with and free to relax.

It's controlling and unhealthy.

Elieza Sat 18-Jul-20 17:52:19

You need to get over your fear that something bad has happened if he doesn’t contact you. You know that.

TBH I think you are very lucky that he’s been so good with you so far. It’s tiring having to check in with someone and eventually he will get pissed off with it.

You need to let go or you will either lose him or turn him into a shadow of who he is because his life will be about contacting you instead of doing his thing with the guys without you sometimes.

If you can’t manage to get a grip yourself, you need to think about going to counselling to get the support you need and get over whatever it is in your past that has made you so controlling and fearful.

It’s no way to live. For either of you.
When he goes out tell him to phone you tomorrow, not later on the same night.
Give him his freedom or you will find out he will take it.
Permanently.

louisas96 Sat 18-Jul-20 17:52:29

nolovelost

He has had to contact you all day today? You must know that's unreasonable to expect. He wants to enjoy himself, and how can he?

He may be okay with it now but you'll end uo pushing him away. Do you get out or have any hobbies? I strongly suggest you find something to do other than him and try and become a bit more independent.

What about inviting your girlie friends around?

Yeah I mean he’s been contacting me every couple of hours as he knows it makes me feel more comfortable, he said he doesn’t mind doing that. Do you think I should send him a message and let him know that he doesn’t have to be forced into contacting me for the duration of his night as of now? I don’t like not hearing from him but at the same time I don’t want to push him away. I think me and my mum are gonna go out and get some dinner so yeah I’ll be occupied a bit more smile. It’s just the night time that stresses me out, the day time isn’t really an issue. 10/11pm onwards is when he tends to disappear. Like I said, it’s not a trust issue it’s just my anxiety. He’s very loyal I just like to know he’s ok.

OP’s posts: |
RosieCockle Sat 18-Jul-20 17:55:24

What is it you're actually stressed about at night time? What do you think is going to happen?

louisas96 Sat 18-Jul-20 17:55:53

Elieza

You need to get over your fear that something bad has happened if he doesn’t contact you. You know that.

TBH I think you are very lucky that he’s been so good with you so far. It’s tiring having to check in with someone and eventually he will get pissed off with it.

You need to let go or you will either lose him or turn him into a shadow of who he is because his life will be about contacting you instead of doing his thing with the guys without you sometimes.

If you can’t manage to get a grip yourself, you need to think about going to counselling to get the support you need and get over whatever it is in your past that has made you so controlling and fearful.

It’s no way to live. For either of you.
When he goes out tell him to phone you tomorrow, not later on the same night.
Give him his freedom or you will find out he will take it.
Permanently.

You’re right. I’ve seen therapists before and they seem to think I’m a little co-dependent. I think it’s because we’ve had a few ups and downs recently so I worry that he’ll just disappear and realise how nice life is when I’m not there. But you’re right in saying that my behaviour will only make it worse. I just text him to say I appreciate him staying in contact but assured him that if I don’t hear from him as of now then I won’t be annoyed as I want him to enjoy his night

OP’s posts: |
user1645689876444 Sat 18-Jul-20 17:59:41

It’s just the night time that stresses me out, the day time isn’t really an issue.

Clearly it is:

he’s been contacting me every couple of hours as he knows it makes me feel more comfortable

It doesn't matter if he says he doesn't mind, you shouldn't be asking it of him in the first place. And wouldn't if you loved him.It

Do you think I should send him a message and let him know that he doesn’t have to be forced into contacting me for the duration of his night as of now?

No, because that sounds incredibly manipulative - you're quite obviously trying to get him to say "I'll still contact you, I don't mind". Tell him to enjoy his evening and to focus on his friends instead of contacting you and you look forward to hearing about it next time you speak.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Sat 18-Jul-20 18:02:22

Good start. He knows you won't be upset with him if he doesn't get back in touch tonight.

The more times you do this, and go through the anxiety but survive, the more ammunition you have against the anxiety. Next time, you'll say to yourself, "It was tough last time but it was fine afterwards." The following time you'll have two success stories to look back at.

louisas96 Sat 18-Jul-20 18:04:16

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas

Good start. He knows you won't be upset with him if he doesn't get back in touch tonight.

The more times you do this, and go through the anxiety but survive, the more ammunition you have against the anxiety. Next time, you'll say to yourself, "It was tough last time but it was fine afterwards." The following time you'll have two success stories to look back at.

Thank you!. I sent him a message to reassure him that I’ll be ok if I don’t hear from him. He responded by saying it’s not an effort and he really doesn’t mind. Whether this is true or not, I’m still going to take the advice. Someone on here said that me telling him I don’t mind is manipulative. But I’m not being manipulative I just genuinely want him to be happy, and if that means me not hearing from him then so be it. I’d rather not hear from him than have him pushed away and annoyed at me.

OP’s posts: |
louisas96 Sat 18-Jul-20 18:05:58

user1645689876444

*It’s just the night time that stresses me out, the day time isn’t really an issue.*

Clearly it is:

he’s been contacting me every couple of hours as he knows it makes me feel more comfortable

It doesn't matter if he says he doesn't mind, you shouldn't be asking it of him in the first place. And wouldn't if you loved him.It

Do you think I should send him a message and let him know that he doesn’t have to be forced into contacting me for the duration of his night as of now?

No, because that sounds incredibly manipulative - you're quite obviously trying to get him to say "I'll still contact you, I don't mind". Tell him to enjoy his evening and to focus on his friends instead of contacting you and you look forward to hearing about it next time you speak.

First of all, I love my boyfriend very much hence why we are still here. The issue is my own personal anxieties in life in general, not with him. As I’ve said, he’s pretty much like the perfect boyfriend. Me telling him I don’t mind if he doesn’t contact me, isn’t me trying to get a reaction. It’s me potentially saving my relationship and having him feel more free.

OP’s posts: |
Notjustabrunette Sat 18-Jul-20 18:32:25

Have you heard of Jon Ronson? He’s a journalist and film maker who has had anxiety issues. I listened to a podcast he was on and he basically had a melt down because he couldn’t get hold of his wife on one occasion and imagined the worst had happed even though he knew deep down that it wasn’t the case. He had therapy with the hypnotist Paul McKenna to find coping mechanisms. If you cannot think of a logical reason for you worrying when he does not contact you (ie he has a medical condition, he’s cheated or been untrustworthy in the past) then seeking professional help also might be a good path to take.
BTW one of the strategies in the pod cast was him taking the ‘image’ and seeing it as a photo and swiping it away in his head.
Good luck

ChristmasFluff Sat 18-Jul-20 18:34:18

Put your phone on do not disturb when he goes out. That means that you can respond to whatever reason it is you need to be available.

Tell him this.

If you wake up in the middle of the night and worry where he is, the phone will still tell you. But you won't be waiting on his contact. Tell him you are doing this.

Otherwise he might come across a website that points out how controlling your behaviour is.

Clumsyduck Sat 18-Jul-20 18:43:34

In the nicest possible way you will destroy your relationships with this controlling insecure behaviour , and I sadly speak from experience !!

Elieza Sat 18-Jul-20 19:05:34

I think you’ve done the right thing telling him to go enjoy himself and not worry about texting.

Just be sure tomorrow you remember you told him this if he takes you at your word and doesn’t txt after all. That’s fine.

I’d expect a text mid afternoon tomorrow. Don’t hassle him if he doesn’t respond till then.

You need to find a coping strategy. He’s ok just now. But a few months down the line it will feel restrictive. Try and find a coping strategy to help you.

louisas96 Sat 18-Jul-20 19:31:11

louisas96

Hi everyone

Not even sure if this is the right place for me to post this, I am not pregnant neither am I expecting or have any children. I'm 23, my boyfriend is 26. We have been together almost two years now. In lockdown I moved in with him, but I had to return home due to family reasons. In lockdown we had many ups and downs, it was tough. Since i've been home we've still seen one another but less often, and we've gotten on so much better. However, due to my insecurities (which I am working on) I always find myself causing such petty rows over pathetic stuff. My boyfriend is very respectful, patient, helps me mentally and is pretty much on speed dial for me whenever I need him. As I said, since i've been home we have had a few rows that have resulted in us almost breaking up, but he loves me so he's giving me a chance to work on myself and prove that we can be happy. Here is the problem, he is on a night out tonight (no sleazy bars or anything) just round his friends house with the boys for a BBQ. He's been in contact with me all day since he's been out, as he knows I hate not hearing from him for hours. Sadly, in the past there have been occasions where it got to about 10pm and I haven't heard from him until about 10am the next morning. I know that's not due to him not being loyal, as he's not like that. But I suffer from anxiety anyway so when I don't here from him for so long, I panic and have sleepless nights. This has only happened a few times in our whole relationship (he's not the type to be out every weekend anyway.) but right now i'm finding myself getting anxious already and thinking what if I don't hear from him until tomorrow. We spoke about this earlier and he said if for any reason he doesn't contact me, it's not because there's anything to worry about and it's simply because he's got carried away with his night out and is enjoying time with his friends. Which is true, as when they are out I don't ever see anyone on there phones as there is so much going on. My question is, I need some grown up and sensible advice as to how to deal with these worries and how to calm myself down? Like I said, he has been in contact with me all day, it's just the night time I worry about and it drives me mad! I'd really apprecate some advice.

Thanks everyone for reading!

He just messaged me to say he loves me and that his phone may die, and that if I don’t hear from him then to not worry. From experience that means I probably won’t hear from him until tomorrow morning. That makes me feel a little anxious and I may feel more anxious about it tonight or if I wake up, but I guess it’s better now at least he’s let me know.

OP’s posts: |
louisas96 Sat 18-Jul-20 19:33:13

louisas96

Hi everyone

Not even sure if this is the right place for me to post this, I am not pregnant neither am I expecting or have any children. I'm 23, my boyfriend is 26. We have been together almost two years now. In lockdown I moved in with him, but I had to return home due to family reasons. In lockdown we had many ups and downs, it was tough. Since i've been home we've still seen one another but less often, and we've gotten on so much better. However, due to my insecurities (which I am working on) I always find myself causing such petty rows over pathetic stuff. My boyfriend is very respectful, patient, helps me mentally and is pretty much on speed dial for me whenever I need him. As I said, since i've been home we have had a few rows that have resulted in us almost breaking up, but he loves me so he's giving me a chance to work on myself and prove that we can be happy. Here is the problem, he is on a night out tonight (no sleazy bars or anything) just round his friends house with the boys for a BBQ. He's been in contact with me all day since he's been out, as he knows I hate not hearing from him for hours. Sadly, in the past there have been occasions where it got to about 10pm and I haven't heard from him until about 10am the next morning. I know that's not due to him not being loyal, as he's not like that. But I suffer from anxiety anyway so when I don't here from him for so long, I panic and have sleepless nights. This has only happened a few times in our whole relationship (he's not the type to be out every weekend anyway.) but right now i'm finding myself getting anxious already and thinking what if I don't hear from him until tomorrow. We spoke about this earlier and he said if for any reason he doesn't contact me, it's not because there's anything to worry about and it's simply because he's got carried away with his night out and is enjoying time with his friends. Which is true, as when they are out I don't ever see anyone on there phones as there is so much going on. My question is, I need some grown up and sensible advice as to how to deal with these worries and how to calm myself down? Like I said, he has been in contact with me all day, it's just the night time I worry about and it drives me mad! I'd really apprecate some advice.

Thanks everyone for reading!

I also notice that his messages are a bit confusing to read and he said he’s really drunk. I guess that makes me a little anxious too.

OP’s posts: |
achillesratty Sat 18-Jul-20 20:20:52

If a woman had written this about a man, that he was so controlling he demanded she kept in contact with him every few hours and that she constantly had to reassure him that all was well with the relationship and that he picked petty arguments she would be told in no uncertain terms he was abusive and to LTB asap.

Being female doesn't mean your behaviour isn't abusive, it is. You blame your "anxiety" but whatever the cause it's still abusive and unfortunately like a lot of people in abusive relationships your boyfriend is doing all he can to pacify you.

Your anxiety and mental wellbeing are not his issues to fix. You are excusing your behaviour as anxiety despite it being totally unreasonable and unacceptable. I feel sorry for your boyfriend, no one should be in such a controlling relationship, man or woman.

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