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Husband wants to move(72 Posts)
Hi everyone. I met my husband when we were both living in the city and about a year before we got married we moved to my hometown. I've always been so clear I want to live in my hometown and my intention was always to move home.
About two or three months before we got married he dropped the bombshell he was unhappy here and it's too far away from his friends and family (60 miles) and he wants to move back but still outside of the city (which is also where he works).
I really don't know what to do - I am heartbroken - my whole family are here who are the most important people in my life. We do probably have more friends in the city than here but it's just never where I imagined I would be. I'm scared of moving away but is the only other option leaving him? What do I do? He says he is isolated here but I will be isolated there.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Hard one. I honestly see it from both sides. He is entitled to change his mind, based on now realising how isolated he feels here. You alaysvtold him this was your goal. On one hand you say all your friends are in the city, so you wouldn't be as isolated as he now is here. Me, for myself, if the relationship is good I would choose him over being close to family. But we both chose to move to England and leave our families in a diff country. So, for us, it was a case of both choosing eachother above our families. Would you be really far away? How often could you go and visit? Is living in your hometown a dealbraker?
We would be about an hour away from my family.. which isn't a massive journey but with starting a family I feel I need my mum round the corner. I completely understand his point of view and how he feels but it just breaks my heart and I can't bring myself to leave him or leave my hometown either. I'm really struggling and hurting.
I can only give my view on it, so take it with a pinch of salt. One hour is really nothing, people commute longer than that on a daily. Heck, if you lived in diff parts of a big city, that's how long it would take you to get to your mum. But if you are fed up with city life, and feel a town is better for starting a family, you will get resentful in time. I honestly would have hated started a family in a big, rushed city, so I get that.
Can you move to halfway between the two?
As you are only an hour from the city now, could you both comprise and move somewhere half way ? So that you would be half an hour from home and also half an hour from the city ?
Half way is obvious solution. 30 minutes is NOTHING. Most of my family are 3 1/2 hours away.
Tell you what though: I wouldnt capitulate to your husband . Yes, I get he wants to be near his family and I do sympathise but it will do you no favours to capitulate and give in to him. .
Generally I would say talk this out, whilst being open to teaching a fair solution.
However, I think that if you are planning maternity leave in the next few years, one part of the discussion needs to be that you will be very much living in the place where your home is, not half there and half at work. So it might be worth waiting until after that before moving, and building a new network of mum friends once DC start school.
Hard one OP.
You were very clear.
He has changed his mind.
If you move 30 or 60 minutes won't make much difference regarding your family, they will not be close by.
How does that make you feel.
You can take it, that if you move, you are never coming back.
Think good and hard before you agree to move.
Think good and hard before you have children.
This may be your deal breaker.
If you have children, and are close to your family, having the close by can be an enormous support.
One hour is my commute to work. It’s nothing.
What is half way between the two?
One thing is, you sound a bit dramatic: ‘heartbroken’ etc. I think you could (both?) dial down the rhetoric. It is a pretty short distance you are debating here.
Not ideal and I see both sides. How would you feel if he lived in the city a few days a week and was back in your hometown the rest of the week and you stayed put. Will that even be something that would work for you both? I don't have a personal experience but I have a close friend who lives near Manchester and whose husband works in London Mon to Thu and is home Fri to Sun. Lockdown has been a blessing in disguise for them as he has been working from home. They have talked about moving homes nearer London but they love their home far too much and haven't done this yet and as he has now been able to work from home during lockdown, he is talking to his office about working from home more in the future.
So does he have friends locally and if not what is he doing about it? It takes a couple of years to settle in to somewhere new
No he doesn't have friends locally and a guess that is part of the problem. He hasn't really had the opportunity to make friends either because he does the 1 hour commute back to the city every day (pre lockdown) to go to work.
I 100% get his point of view. He does that drive every day! It's hard for him, I know that. I've just always had my heart set on being at home.
We have discussed moving half way... but then what is the point? We both won't know anyone or have any support network half way! I feel like it needs to be all or nothing.
What about DH looking for a job more locally. That way he would not have the long drive every day. He would also meet more of the local people if he was working with some of them.
Half way living would seem to be fair but agree that neither of you would have family close by.
Do you think DH's family would be supportive if you lived nearer them once you had a family?
YABVU and so dramatic. It comes across as incredibly immature.
Your husband is isolated with a 2 hour daily commute but you can't bare to be half an hour away from Mummy?
Grow up and support your husband!
I agree with @Beeech, sorry OP
You won't appreciate your DHs 2 hour daily commute when you have a baby. I promise. Been there, got the T-shirt.
It broke our marriage.
The commute was more like 3h, including tube door to door. I grew resentful of lack of family time, of career that had handcuffed him to the city, of not being able to afford to move closer to his work (I would have given up many things to be back in the city by then), of being left with all the emergencies and childcare - well, he is always at least 1.5h away, isn't he?
He grew more and more tired. Exhausted.
If his job has to stay where it's at, moving closer to it would be a good thing to do in my eyes. Or divorce before you have kids.
OP he's changed the bar. You both agreed to settle together in your home town. He wants to change this. You have a lot to re-evaluate.
Back to the drawing board then for you both. Good luck
"my whole family are here who are the most important people in my life"
This struck me as incredibly sad - what about your DH? Is he not the most important person in your life? I hope you haven't said this to him - I would be devastated to be told this by my DP.
I'm not saying you have an easy circle to square here, but I hope you were just making a sweeping statement, because if your DH isn't the most important person in your life (until you have kids and then they will be) then it's all up hill.
Your husband should be the most important person in your life and he is your family so you would not be moving away from your "whole family".
You would be moving 30 - 60 mins away, that's no distance at all. I would actually be horrified if either of my adult children were so dependent on me they were willing to compromise a marriage over a 30 min journey to see me.
...but with starting a family I feel I need my mum round the corner.
I'm sorry op, but you sound very immature. Countless numbers of us live hours and hours away from family when we have children. I did, and you just get on with it. You definitely seem to feel your family are more important to you than your husband, so if that's the case, you have a lot of serious thinking to do. Marriage is about compromise. If you are unwilling to do so, you shouldn't be married.
If he was my friend I would tell him to do everything he can to move. He needs to be able to spend time with his family. He doesn’t need a posse of in-laws doing it for him whilst he languishes on the motorway.
You need to examine why you need to be so close to your family. Once children come along this closeness can become unbearable for spouses. He married you not your family. I think there’s a good chance he’s had enough of them already.
My advice is to stay put and reevaluate if you truly want to be married to him. He’s changed his mind. Does that now make you incompatible? Whatever you do, don’t move away from your support network if you want to have a baby
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