I’ve just noticed this about my mum but I don’t know what to make of it.

[ExShield]

She’s in her 70s, I’m 50, and it’s taken me a lot of self help reading to notice her behaviour towards the other people in my life.

For example, I have several close friends but the two that she absolutely doesn’t like and hasn’t got a good word to say about, are the two that are my most supportive and accepting. They love me for me and I have never felt like I’ve ever been in any way lacking when I’m with them. And I love them dearly too. My mother rarely sees me with them but always says she thinks they are sly and not genuine.

My husband. Our marriage is on the rocks due to in part his drinking and money issues. We were very happy when we first got together and yet my mother slagged him off constantly, no matter what he said or did for me. It was never enough, he was lazy, slovenly, flashy, selfish. Fast forward and now that he really IS acting like an arse, he can literally do no wrong and our problems are apparently all my fault.

WTF is that all about? It’s 3am and I can’t sleep and I’m knocked over by this realisation. Can someone help me understand/articulate what’s going on? I can’t see the wood from the trees so please spell out to me what may appear obvious!

[THEDEACON]

your Mother is just like mine Fortunately for me I realised this in my 20s I have minimal contact When she behaves like this I back off even more I tell her nothing of any importance and don't let her opinion on anything or anyone influence me GOOD LUCK with processing all of this now you've tumbled to it

[ExShield]

Thankyou. Is it jealousy do you think? Or is she a narcissist that can’t stand it if someone else nearby is loved? I’m trying to understand it as well as calmly observe it.

[rvby]

I'm so sorry OP.

It can sometimes just be as simple as, your mum doesnt think much of you (or herself, or all women, etc. Etc., for whatever reason), and as such, she is annoyed by people who like you, and feels that those who think badly of you are being sensible.

I have examples of this kind of stuff in my own family. It's common in folk who dont like to look too closely at themselves and prefer to blunder through life, looking for scapegoats and ways to avoid feeling vulnerable etc. They tend to project a lot of horrible things onto their kids.

I bet you are lovely.
Spend more time with people who like you, are kind to you and want the best for you xx

[ExShield]

Rvby Thankyou for your kind words, that’s made me rather emotional! How kind to say “I bet you’re lovely.” I’m in the habit of assuming that a lot of people think I’m a bit of a mess usually. It’s getting clearer where that might have come from!

[longtimecomin]

The low opinion from a parent is tough but more common than you'd think. I asked my mum, who was constantly criticising me, to name one good thing about me. She was quiet for 2 or 3 minutes and then said 'you're brainy'. It took her that long to think of something...

[Homescar]

What’s interesting to me is that she feels she can slag off the person you married and your close friends with impunity to you — why is this? How do you respond when she does it? Are there no consequences for her?

[mathanxiety]

So you ended up feeling defensive about your friends and not heard when it comes to your husband?

Effectively, she is rejecting your reality including your need for support dealing with your H.

[EngagedAgain]

She is probably jealous of the relationship you have with your best friends.

As far as your husband is concerned, she's probably got the old fashioned view you should put up with his ways.

[JeSuisPoulet]

Wakefield can drive - she's written about it before www.facebook.com/TerribleTories/photos/a.665981803603525/1418334658368232/?type=3&theater. Cummings apparently unable to make the simple decision to allow her to drive, preferring to put them all at risk of his poor eye sight, if we are to believe his account or if you have had a lobotomy

[JeSuisPoulet]

Sorry, wrong thread

[Puds11]

Whatever her reasons are, they are wrong. She isn’t being supportive of you and is trying to manipulate your opinions of you nearest and dearest.

I’d be reducing contact at least.

[Windmillwhirl]

Hi op

Can I ask if your mother has any true and real friendships? What's sad is that she can't or wont allow herself to take any joy from seeing your happiness in the friendship and love you receive from your friends.

Perhaps it is jealousy (not just your happiness but that of your friends too and your bond) but it's hard to say. Your mother, like everyone, is a product of her past. Something or someone made her full of bitterness and resentment.

[merrygoround51]

My mum is the exact same and like you the scales have fallen from my eyes. You need you distance yourself in as much as you can. I don’t mean not providing support or kindness but I do lean looking for any validation or support. You won’t get it and her voice will always be a destructive one

[MrsSchadenfreude]

My Mum is the same. She also describes my cousin as “the daughter I never had”!

[Prettytasteless]

My mum is the same. She goes as far as to contact people I have fallen out with or ex-boyfriends in order to validate them.

[blackcat86]

MIL does this. PIL have very few true friends because they seem lovely and sociable on the surface but are actually quite inappropriate, insecure and 'needy'. DH also has few close friends because he just doesn't understand nurturing positive relationships and why they are good. MiL is narcissist so everyone is either fantastic or awful, there is no middle ground or good and bad balanced. I have made some lovely 'mum friends' but of course something is wrong with all of them especially if they are decent people. If however, we have a genuine issue or an incident of someone being horrible then it's just all brushed away and clearly they didnt mean it. I find it bizarre. I control the flow of information now and just dont tell PIL anything of anything feels important to me because it always gets twisted and leaves me feeling like shit.

[gingersausage]

Why do you let her talk to you like that though? The simple act of giving birth to you doesn’t give her carte blanche to treat you like shit. You have the right to not accept that sort of behaviour from anyone, including your mother.

You need to let go of the hope that she will suddenly turn into the mother you wanted - she won’t. The best thing you can do is stop telling her stuff that gives her ammunition, just completely disengage from her.

[TwilightPeace]

Is she happy in her own life?
Has she always been a bit negative about you? And prefers when bad things happen to you?

My mum has always kind of ignored anything good about me or when I achieve things. Yet as soon as something goes wrong? She takes some weird excitement/pleasure in it, as though it confirms her opinion that I can’t do anything right.

It’s so hard when you have these lightbulb moments. You start remembering more and more of the shit that she has done over the years. Then you realise why you have had low-self esteem all your life.

Your mum should be your biggest supporter but sadly that’s not always how it is.

Sadly I’ve had to stop telling her (And my sister) anything about my life, apart from absolute basic boring things. And I’ve become my own emotional support because I sure as hell don’t get any from them.

[Pinklynx]

She's obviously got issues herself that she's projecting onto you. She's probably got very low self esteem but doesn't acknowledge that to herself. The thing is that's neither your fault nor your problem to solve.

Any decent mother would support her daughter in your situation. She doesn't have to slag your husband off but empathise with you and provide practical and emotional support. She does sound jealous and threatened by any close relationship you have with others. She also doesn't want you to be too confident in yourself in case you leave her, so she undermines you and anyone who supports you.

Many parents also play off siblings against each other so that they all hate each other and only love the parent. It's an awful thing to do.

I'd go low contact and tell her as little as possible about your life, just small talk, as she'll use anything else against you. I doubt if she'll ever really be there for you emotionally and you'll just hurt yourself trying to get her to. That's my experience anyway. I wish I'd learnt it sooner.

[Thinkingabout1t]

It's common in folk who dont like to look too closely at themselves and prefer to blunder through life, looking for scapegoats and ways to avoid feeling vulnerable etc. They tend to project a lot of horrible things

That sounds right.

I hope you got some sleep, OP. I would smile and ignore your mother’s nonsense. Best of luck with everything.

[Porridgeoat]

My own parents were never accepting of me but always very positive about everyone around me. I’ve turned it on it’s head as I refuse to be like that with my own kids. Accepting them and their choices is part of trust and building esteem.

[Porridgeoat]

Always easier to point the finger then reflect on own actions

[expat101]

OP I'm not much older than you, but aren't our sleeping brains wonderful in throwing all these things up for us to think about at this time of the morning?

Big cyber hugs xx

[TopperSail]

You don't have to love your mother, you don't have to like her, you don't have to be in contact with her if you choose not to.
You are not bound for life if it's not healthy for you.
Love yourself, be the kind mother that your inner self needs.
It took me til my late 40's to see clearly.

[Gunpowder]

DH’s mum is like this. I decided that if other people are supportive to DH it makes her feel guilty about her own past behaviour. I don’t think it’s conscious - but she is ‘jealous’ that other people are nicer to him than she is so she denigrates them. Weird.