My partner calls me names

[GreenL6]

Hello all, hope you're all safe and well.

My partner calls me names and if annoyed will shout in my face. Calls me dick, tit, f...ing lazy bitch, c..t, Tw.t, idiot
It usually when I've annoyed him but it is daily. He's always been verbally horrible but it's starting to get me down.
Whatever I say he won't believe me, say we are having a discussion on history or science whatever, he always finds out and when I'm right says oh you're right for once.
He swears a lot and I hate it.

He repulses me physically. Luckily he's a different bedroom and I've managed to avoid sex for about 7/8 years. He mentions coming back in sometimes which makes me feel sick!

I can't leave so how can I manage to block it out.

I mentioned leaving once and he hit the roof. Threatened to take the children abroad and I would never see them. He has money, I don't and he said he'd have the best lawyer and I could never win. He's right I don't think I would so just plan to stay until children leave home.

[merryhouse]

oh my.

You can't stay. There are laws about taking children abroad without consent of the other parent. There are people who can help you. There are organisations for people suffering domestic abuse - which this is - and you would presumably be eligible for benefits and child maintenance payments.

(I've assumed you're in the UK) Women's Aid is probably the place to start.

[BuffaloCauliflower]

You can leave and in fact you must leave. He won’t take your children he just wants to control you with threats. This is no way to live and no environment in which to bring up children

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I take it as read here you are not married to this man.

You cannot just block him out; he is present in this house of horrors and this house is no sanctuary to you or for that matter your children. They are as much victims here of his abuse of you as you are. They are also learning about relationships from you here too; what are they learning here?. Do not ever use his veiled threats or the kids as a reason to stay with him, start making proper plans here to get this man out of your day to day lives.

Its not easy to leave but its certainly not easier for you to stay with him and your reasons for staying will not wash with your kids.
If you were to stay with him until your children leave home (and not all kids leave home at 18 to go to university) they as well as you will be deeply damaged emotionally by seeing you (and in turn them) as their mother being abused. They could well go onto be abused or even become abusers in their own adult relationships so this is no legacy at all to leave them. Your own relationship with them going forward could be damaged because your children could call you daft for staying and for putting him before them. One day your children will leave home, and far sooner rather than later if all this carries on in their lives. They won't want to see either of you going forward and what then for you?.

You have a choice still re this man, they do not. You certainly do not have to remain with him till the kids are of age; you have options that are still open to you. Do not let him continue to cower you and in turn your children here like he has done to date. He is all hot air and a bully with empty but convincing threat. Abusers often use the children as weapons against their intended target, this is how they keep women in line. He's not bothered about his children, he only cares about using them now to get back at you as "punishment". Coercive control is a crime and I would not hesitate in using the police here.

I would urge you to contact Womens Aid and look too at the sticky thread at the top of this Relationships pages for further support.

[GreenL6]

Yes I'm in the U.K.
By staying I have more control, over decisions that effect the children. I don't want to let the children be between two homes and he'd be so vile.
I try to keep the peace as much as possible. Usually the names don't get me down. Probably just used to it but today I've just cried and cried. Maybe the lockdown isn't helping as well.

[Pissflapflip]

You're living a half life at best. Speak to Womens Aid. Don't kid yourself it's best for all if you stay. Your children are living in a toxic space.

[pallasathena]

He's really done a job on you OP. What he's saying to you is opinion, speculation NOT fact.
The FACT is that there are laws, coercive control laws which, from what you describe, he is breaking. A court will prosecute him and send him to prison for breaking this law. But first, you ave to contact the police and tell them everything.
Additionally, staying with an abuser damages children and one day, they'll hold you to account for not leaving someone who made yours and theirs lives a misery.
I'd get my ducks in a row, contact Women's Aid, contact the police and determine to be strong, resolute and determined to make a better life for yourself and your children.

[GreenL6]

It's not constant throughout the day. Just a burst at times if that makes sense.
I've never thought of it as abuse.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What pallasathena wrote.

You will have no greater control in the childrens lives by staying; you will continue to cower in his presence and get sworn at. What do your children see when they see you; they see an abused and frightened woman. Would you want this in their own relationships, no you would not.

This man hates women, ALL of them.

Do you really think that such a man, a man who has abused the mother of his children like you are, will at all want to be bothered with his children post separation?. He will merely use these children here as a means of getting back at you as "punishment". Such men only care for their own selves.

He has certainly done a right number on you hasn't her; what he has told you however, is a whole bunch of crap not based on actual fact. These men say such things because it works on their intended target.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You've never seen this as abuse?. Abuse like you describe is insidious in its onset and does creep up on people unawares. Its no respecter of class or creed. Abuse is about power and control and this brute of a man wants absolute over you and these children here.

It does not have to be constant either and that does not make abuse any better nor more palatable. The harm caused is still the same. Bursts of name calling are traumatic to hear and sound travels. Your children likely hear him swearing at you all too clearly even if they are not in the same room. What do you think hearing all that is doing to them?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mum like you are now?.

Abusers do not all walk around with abuser written on their forehead and many of them are quite plausible to those in the outside world. It is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

[GreenL6]

My parents have a happy marriage.
If I ever did leave, I'd never want anyone else. Not because I love him, I don't but I'm put off for life.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I sincerely hope you find the strength and courage within you to leave this brute of a man. Abuse like you describe takes time, years even, to recover from.

I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid going forward as a part of recovery from his abuses of you. Your children will also need such support too.

[category12]

You're not actually successfully protecting your dc by staying - don't you think they're aware of his verbal and emotional abuse of you?

They're living with this, waiting for the next incident 24/7, as are you. Don't you think providing a stable safe environment for your dc at least part of the time, so they could be secure and you could relax and be the parent you want to be for the time, would be better than spending 100% time like this?

Blokes like this also always say they'll take the kids. You can get a prohibited steps order to prevent him taking them out of the country. Speak to Women's Aid and also to the Rights of Women for legal advice.

[GilbertMarkham]

I mentioned leaving once and he hit the roof. Threatened to take the children abroad and I would never see them. He has money, I don't and he said he'd have the best lawyer and I could never win. He's right I don't think I would so just plan to stay until children leave home.

This is all surmountable.

Note down everything you can remember with rough dates of you can and speak to women's aid.

They have an online chat service as well as phone numbers.

[GilbertMarkham]

I think it's against the Hague Convention to take kids abroad without agreement of both parents, there may be other laws it breaks too.

As someone said you can get something legal in place.

[pinkyredrose]

Your children are learning what a marriage is like. Don't be surprised if they end up in abusive marriages in the future because they think it's normal. How old are they?

[GreenL6]

6 and 8 years old
I can't leave I don't have it in me. Not yet not strong enough.
With the virus as well it makes leaving even harder.

[pinkyredrose]

Then you'll have to accept that you're complicit in the emotional abuse of your children.

[Astertix]

Hi GreenL6
I know you are struggling to see it as domestic abuse but it is. Unfortunately this man has been gaslighting you and you have become accustomed to it. Nobody wants to believe they are in an abusive relationship but you are. You need to leave with your children and have a life free from low self esteem and bullying. It might feel more manageable if you put a plan together. You can do it. 🙂

[GreenL6]

I am struggling to think of it as abuse you're right.

[PicsInRed]

Having been in your extrenely difficult position, I can understand your fear. Try Grey Rock until you are in a position to leave. Make him "bored" of any entertainment he can derive from you, hopefully he will find entertainment elsewhere and perhaps, himself, leave.

www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock

I would also advocate you leave when you can - try to get yourself in a financial position to leave and fight any fight he can be bothered making.

Abuse is a harmful pattern of behaviour. Have a look at the attached abuse wheel. Does anything resonate with you?

[GreenL6]

Only just read first one and he does smash things sometimes or throw them out of the window. He threatens to break things too.

[GreenL6]

With isolation I'd say no but he doesn't like me having friends and I always go to events on my own or not at all. He won't come.

[GreenL6]

Always blamed for the outburst. It's always my fault because he is just reacting to my stupidity or behaviour. He asks me to say sorry. It's not his fault he has called me a lazy Tw.t or whatever.

[category12]

That's a lot of abusive behaviours, OP.

[GreenL6]

Yes he has the purse strings and will refuse to put things on the shop if he doesn't want it or like it.

He takes things off the shop if he thinks I don't need it.

He does threaten things too.

He threw things out of the window the other day because he was cross at me.