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can't accept this

(40 Posts)
rockbottomx Wed 09-Oct-19 11:32:02

Hi everyone, I've nc for this as I feel sick and don't want it linked to my other username

One thing that I can't abide is porn. I know some people can brush aside their partners looking at it. But for me, it makes me feel not good enough as I'm not confident in myself in the slightest

I was on dh's laptop yesterday afternoon, looking for a file that I'd downloaded about our local school applications. And accidently came across his "stash". Some of which were saved when he barely wanted to come near me (not that that has improved to be honest), and he'd promised that he hadn't looked at any in months.

I knew that when I raised it with him, he would deny it, so while he was in the shower, I took a photo with my phone as evidence and scrolled down slightly, and found a posing photo of someone we know that he'd saved off facebook

I had to get out of the house, so wrapped up dd and got in the car and drove to a local park and just sat in the car while I pulled myself together. Not my finest moment I know, but I freaked and needed to get out of the house before I threw his laptop across the room

I messaged him and said that I knew about it and said that I needed to get out and said both myself and dd were safe.

He's not said anything to me since last night. He ignored me and slept on the sofa. I've tried messaging him, but he's totally blanking me. And I'm left feeling rejected and as if my heart has shattered. I'm trying to stay normal for dd, but I'm struggling

firelightbright Wed 09-Oct-19 11:45:04

Did your partner know how you felt about porn before you got together? Thing is people use porn before they get with other people and sometimes it's a habit people don't want to break. I don't have an issue with watching porn as I do it too. Do you have a healthy sex life?

hellsbellsmelons Wed 09-Oct-19 11:48:08

and he'd promised that he hadn't looked at any in months.
Well you can't abide it. It's the one thing you can't abide.
You still stayed with him and had a DD.
So what now for you?
What is your deal-breaker?
What is the future of this relationship?

Dazedandconfusedmostdays Wed 09-Oct-19 11:49:17

OP, I think most partners would struggle with how you behaved yesterday (male or female), it seems as though you unnecessarily escalated a situation that could have been explored rationally and calmly.

DarlingBuds19 Wed 09-Oct-19 11:50:08

and found a posing photo of someone we know that he'd saved off facebook

I accept, if that's the right word, my dp using porn; but could not accept him using images of someone he knows/we know.

rockbottomx Wed 09-Oct-19 11:51:37

He's always known I've had little to no self esteem or confidence in myself. Porn wasn't something that we spoke about as it never came up in conversation (not that I expected it to)

And no, I wouldn't say our sex life was healthy. I have a higher sex drive than him. I think we average at once or twice a month to be honest

rockbottomx Wed 09-Oct-19 11:53:59

@Dazedandconfusedmostdays to be fair I don't see how it could have been discussed calmly when he freezes me out and hasn't spoken to me since last night. I didn't scream. I didn't shout. So I don't see how I escalated it

rockbottomx Wed 09-Oct-19 11:55:46

@DarlingBuds19 this is where I'm really struggling. If I hadn't noticed that specific picture I would have probably jokingly said something along the lines of "oh I came across your stash today" and left it at that

hellsbellsmelons Wed 09-Oct-19 12:00:15

I have a higher sex drive than him
Probably not.
He's using porn to wank to and you are left without your sexual needs being met. This is when porn encroaches on and ruins relationships.
Standard in a relationship when men watch a lot of porn.
The main reason it's a total deal-breaker for me too!

Cherrypicker01 Wed 09-Oct-19 12:02:46

Porns a touch and go kind of issue. If you are not happy with it, he needs to respect that or at least both of you compromise somehow so you both get what you need.

But a picture of someone you both know? That’s absolutely vile in my opinion OP, breaches the relationship in so many ways, plus the person in the pictures privacy.

What’s your next step over the situation?

rockbottomx Wed 09-Oct-19 12:24:46

@Cherrypicker01 honestly? I really don't know. I want to say that he's gone. But, I keep thinking about dd, and how I want to make it work for her

dustbuster17 Wed 09-Oct-19 12:32:03

I'm with you on this OP. To me, porn is seeking sexual gratification outside of the relationship and I'm not ok with that. I don't get it anywhere other than from my partner and so I expect the same back from him. If he's aware of your stance on porn and yet he's willing to lie and risk your relationship for the sake of a cheap wank then I'd probably be reevaluating things and asking myself if I could continue to live with the lack of trust

As for the picture of the person from Facebook, that's just creepy.

blackcat86 Wed 09-Oct-19 12:50:04

A lot of people enjoy porn and if its not something either of you have spoken about then now might be the time to discuss boundaries. However, a photo of someone you know would be a red line to me and I would want some serious explaining or I would be out the door. That's just sleazy.

suziesue45 Wed 09-Oct-19 13:04:16

My partner is very open with me, to the point where I get the gory details of every past sexual experience he's ever had even though I've told him I'm not interested. He told me the other night he'd spent a few hours watching porn then told me again in detail exactly what he'd watched even though I've said time and time again I don't want to know as I don't care. I'm one of those who don't mind my partner watching it I just wish he didn't have to tell me in detail every time he does.

Got to admit, I'd be very upset and worried if I found out he'd been saving photos of friends to use in his stash, in fact it would be a deal breaker for me.

Sound like you need to have a good talk with him, ask him why he's got the photo etc. it might be nothing but it certainly sounds like he's a bit of a sleaze.

RLEOM Wed 09-Oct-19 13:16:55

That's vile! My ex had a wank bank of photos saved from Facebook - it was his female friends in bikinis etc. Disgusting!

I left him, couldn't handle that kind of behaviour. Saying that, he was also a porn addict. Yuk.

SellmeyourMLMcrap Wed 09-Oct-19 13:36:00

Hi OP, I'm sure this feels like some sort of betrayal, if he knows how you feel and lied then really it is some sort of betrayal. How you deal with that is your business but I do hope that you find some closure.

But on the subject of Porn, I really don't think it's right that you take it as a slight on yourself. They are essentially fantasy and not the kind of fantasy that we'd want to act out. It's just us Men are simple creatures, we are turned on in such a way that we often won't equate what we are looking at with anything, we aren't thinking of being there or that we wished our partner looked that way or behaved that way. It's just so much more simplistic than that. Very much, woah, tits, woah, bum, woah, I've cum. That sort of thought process.

The issues with your own intimacy I'm sure could be resolved with open communication and honesty. That's very difficult for a lot of people, especially Men. We are often expected to be a certain way, to perform sexually at all times but whilst we're simple, we're also complex in other ways. Try talking, don't be confrontational and see where it takes you.

user1479305498 Wed 09-Oct-19 14:47:04

I appreciate many men are simple creatures, but the fact is most women are not and for many women your partner using it more than ‘occasionally’ is a deal breaker or at minimum causes distrust if they aren’t open about it. I actually find the secrecy and lying worse than the behaviour if you get what I mean.

Carrie1402 Wed 09-Oct-19 15:15:32

nah, sorry. His and your opinions on porn is one thing. But having a picture of someone you know to wank over? Really? He's an absolute twat. And the for people on here giving you a hard time for objecting? what on earth?
He's displaying classic narc. behaviour. You've caught him bang to rights and he won't like that. OP - I am so sorry this has happened to you.

RueCambon Wed 09-Oct-19 15:37:35

If your self esteem were higher you would get turned off by somebody ignoring your needs and disrespecting /objectifying women. He is ignoring your upset, so the solution is to get turned off and reject what (little) he is offering. Dont try and me more than one woman! Nobody should have to feel they are not enough. Just let him get on with it but allow yourself the right to be turned off. This isnt for you. Act accordingly. Dont try and be more for one man who is farfrom an ideal himself.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Wed 09-Oct-19 15:52:34

@suziesue45, what you describe is a form of exhibitionism. He's at least on one level getting off a second time by telling you (against your will) the lurid details of sexual encounters he's had and porn he's just watched. Your discomfort is part of his pleasure.

I'd get very angry if a bloke tried to do this to me. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that I didn't want to hear about it and to fucking shut up. Ostentatiously put your fingers in your ears or move out of earshot.

rockbottomx Wed 09-Oct-19 15:54:52

It's difficult not to take it as a slight against myself, when he's been using a photo of someone that we know

He doesn't come to bed until late, probably deliberately past when I'm normally asleep. And more often than not when I've tried to initiate things then he's said he's not in the mood. Yet he's obviously in the mood to wank over stuff like that

rockbottomx Wed 09-Oct-19 15:57:41

If he won't talk tonight or even make steps to when I go and fetch him from work (dd is at the in laws house as it was grandparents day at nursery) then he can go to his mum and dad's house for the night. Knowing he's in the house and refusing to talk, will just wind me up and make me feel worse and cause an atmosphere, and that's not fair on dd

suziesue45 Wed 09-Oct-19 15:59:42

@Prawnofthepatriarchy
Yes you're 100% right, I just glare at him when he starts then I'm told to loosen up a bit. I've tried doing the same thing but he doesn't bat an eyelid, he's very selfish too. BUT, things are getting very close to finishing between us as I have other bigger issues with him.

Bluntness100 Wed 09-Oct-19 16:05:10

Op. He's going to look at porn. You either need to accept this or leave. It's that simple.

The reasons though you have issues with porn are yours. And it is encumbant on you to do something about those, be it therapy or whatever.

You don't seem to have a moral objection to porn, your issue is it makes you feel less adequate, and this is your issue. It's ok to say to him this is how I feel don't do it please, and I'm working to resolve the issue.

It's not ok to say this is how I feel, don't do it, and I'm doing nothing to help myself, so that's it for you for ever.

rockbottomx Wed 09-Oct-19 16:30:45

@Bluntness100 did you see my post where I said if it had just been porn then I would have probably made a jokey comment to let him know that I knew
* If I hadn't noticed that specific picture I would have probably jokingly said something along the lines of "oh I came across your stash today" and left it at that*

Its not OK in the slightest that he has downloaded a photo of someone that we know and this is where he's majorly crossed the line

For some people porn is not OK and it makes them feel like shit. I'm one of those people. And that doesn't make me any less of a person

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