can't accept this

[rockbottomx]

Hi everyone, I've nc for this as I feel sick and don't want it linked to my other username

One thing that I can't abide is porn. I know some people can brush aside their partners looking at it. But for me, it makes me feel not good enough as I'm not confident in myself in the slightest

I was on dh's laptop yesterday afternoon, looking for a file that I'd downloaded about our local school applications. And accidently came across his "stash". Some of which were saved when he barely wanted to come near me (not that that has improved to be honest), and he'd promised that he hadn't looked at any in months.

I knew that when I raised it with him, he would deny it, so while he was in the shower, I took a photo with my phone as evidence and scrolled down slightly, and found a posing photo of someone we know that he'd saved off facebook

I had to get out of the house, so wrapped up dd and got in the car and drove to a local park and just sat in the car while I pulled myself together. Not my finest moment I know, but I freaked and needed to get out of the house before I threw his laptop across the room

I messaged him and said that I knew about it and said that I needed to get out and said both myself and dd were safe.

He's not said anything to me since last night. He ignored me and slept on the sofa. I've tried messaging him, but he's totally blanking me. And I'm left feeling rejected and as if my heart has shattered. I'm trying to stay normal for dd, but I'm struggling

[MMmomDD]

OP - I wasn’t trying to give my opinion tactfully or not. I prefer to be clear and to the point.
And I did read your posts and one can tell a lot from the way a poster describes their situation and reacts to comments.

Anyway - it does seem that you have a lot going on in your relationship. And that you are unhappy in some general sense.
It is unlikely that the folder with pictures is the main cause of the problems in your relationship.
You two don’t seem to listen to / hear each other.
Not sure how you can resolve it without wiling to not only blame the other, but also looking at yourself.

[AgentJohnson]

Oh dear, there’s a lot going on here and your ability to communicate with each other is a problem. You both use PA to communicate and that is not a method that delivers satisfactory results.

Firstly, you need to own your low self esteem, expecting others to dance around it doesn’t fix the issue because it shifts responsibility onto someone else.

Porn is either a deal breaker or it isn’t and if it is, then the onus is on you to protect that boundary.

It’s time you both had a grown up conversation and that means leaving the PA out of it.

[Rachelover60]

I don't blame you, rockbottoms. I would have felt the same.

[Loveablers]

Okay so first of all. Let’s be honest you didn’t “accidentally” stumble across his stash did you? You were looking for school applications - men don’t hide their porn in normal folders on their laptop. They hide it well. They don’t hide school applications well. So you were snooping

Secondly you say you would’ve been okay with the porn however The picture of the person you know is what tipped you over the edge - again, that’s not true. You took a photo of the porn to confront him with. You even said you don’t like the idea of him watching porn because you have self esteem issues. You do dislike him watching porn and you do have a problem with it - it’s just the picture of the person you know made you even angrier

I completely understand why you’re upset over the picture of the person you know. I would feel the same. But porn? As long as it’s legal and appropriate I don’t see the problem. But my opinion towards porn doesn’t count here. You’ve never had a discussion with him about porn - he’s not a mind reader.

Again I fully understand why you’re upset about the real life person photo but I don’t think you handled the situation very well. Storming out, messaging him etc, why couldn’t you just approach him normally and talk to him like adults rather than go from 1 to 10?

I don’t think porn and that photo is your main issue here. I think it’s what’s boiled you over. He doesn’t spend time in the bed with you, he doesn’t have sex with you very often. Have you asked him why? Spoke to him about this?

I think your main issue is lack of communication rather than porn.

[75Renarde]

Oh lovely. I can sense how hurt you are not only by what has happened with some posters here. A reason for that is that you are still stuck in the FOG.

Forget about the fact its porn or picture for now. (Second is NOT ok in my book) Is it not that one of the reasons that you are upset is the lack of intimacy? This is underlined by your DP/DH giving you a silent treatment. You were seriously NOT meant to find it. You're painted black now because of it. It will last a few days. Believe me, porn can be used to hurt you maliciously.

You mention the all too common lack of self esteem.

Why is that do you think OP?

And

[Scott72]

Antibles, porn really isn't the same thing as adultery. But OP since this is something you feel strongly about, leave him since he isn't going to change.

[dontgobaconmyheart]

Just to clarify OP in case that was blunt- you can do better. His attraction to you is obviously no comment on your objective attractiveness or self worth. I would prioritise your self esteem, him watches porn is his own issue and does not have to be a slur on you- men prefer porn because it's a fantasy and you can't be one because you are literally real; i wouldn't overthink it in that respect, but would think about why you are with someone where the incompatibility is so large and he lies and makes you feel this way.

[dontgobaconmyheart]

What outcome would you want here though OP? It's a deal breaker for you that he watches porn, and he uses porn, likes porn and does not wish to stop so you're not compatible. He is also happy to lie about it and is wanking over someone you both know's image, which is creepy- I'd tell the person so they can bloody block him and keep clear, what a creep.

He clearly does have a sex drive as he is regularly masturbating to porn and evidently does not want to sleep with you, hurtful as that might be.

What are you actually getting out of the relationship? It sounds depressing and unfulfilling.

[wildcherries]

If you can't accept it, there's only one thing to do. Personally, I'd sit him down and ask him to explain the photo of the friend. That'd be my issue.

[rockbottomx]

@MMmomDD there's a difference though between giving your opinion tactfully and what you did

You had obviously read about how I felt about myself because you chose to comment about it and make it sound as if that was the reason my husband isn't attracted to me, and made it sound like that was the reason and that I was to blame for him looking elsewhere at photos of other women

[Antibles]

Don't fall for the gaslighting, OP. You're entitled to your stance on porn and your porny git of a partner. He'll almost certainly keep on using it so your choices probably boil down to a) put up with it or b) ditch him, sorry to say. But for solidarity, here's a rehashed old post of mine:

OP, unparalleled access to porn is ruining relationships left right and centre. The sheer amount and variety is ruining some men's ability to get turned on by one samey old partner, however gorgeous she is. It could be happening to you.

Exploitation aside, so many women feel porn is a betrayal within a relationship. Because viewing other women's naked breasts, arses and vaginas is not forsaking all others, is it?

Marriage vows were written before the advent even of photography. They don't cover this issue because the technology didn't exist. If they were written today they would probably take into account this new ability to access explicit imagery of other people's private parts so easily. Private being the operative word. No, chaps, you are in principle actually not supposed to be looking at any other women's vagina if you are in a monogamous relationship. That is how many women feel about it and their feelings are valid. Except because it's not written into the contract, you've all been working very hard to persuade women that you are entitled to so long as you look but don't touch.

So it's fine because you're not touching these women hence porn isn't cheating? Okay, then strip clubs and web cams, sexting and paying someone to come over and gyrate in your bedroom naked is all fine too. There's no logical difference between these things and the filmed version. Equally, men should be fine with their wife sending pics of her vag to their best mate or earning money on web cams or whatever. No touching there either, is there? Funnily enough, I don't suppose they're massively keen on that idea.

It's a massive gaslight of women to say their feelings of betrayal are misplaced prudishness or insecurity. It's not insecurity, it's the traditional principle of other people's private parts being off limits if you're in a monogamous relationship - touch and sight. A principle which has been trampled over in a massive stampede ever since the advent of the camera.

[MMmomDD]

OP - when anyone posts - a range of opinions is always what happens.
I gave you mine.

You brought the issue of your low self esteem. And you mentioned it several times in context of ‘how can he do that knowing I have low self esteem’.
You also said that porn was never discussed as a firm boundary for you.

I don’t know if your partner is attracted to you or not.
All I said - and stand by it - is that a person with low confidence in themselves/low self esteem - is not easy to be attracted to.
And I also said that fixing your self esteem issues will help you be happier and will help your relationship.
This or the future ones.

[rockbottomx]

Wow, just wow

So I've posted, upset, feeling like my husband has crossed a major line, for someone to word their post as if my self esteem issues and low confidence are what's the cause of my husband not being attracted to me and looking at porn instead

[MrsGrindah]

But making a jokey comment doesn’t help either. There’s no point joking about something if it’s important to you.You need to think calmly about what you want the solution to be. And if it’s “ I don’t want him to look at porn ever again” then I’m afraid that isn’t going to happen.

[MMmomDD]

OP - in the way you are describing your issues with self esteem - it is entirely possible that the issues in your relationship are more rooted in that. And porn is just a symptom.
Irrespective of porn itself - you really need to deal with your issues.
You can’t shift that responsibility to your partner.

People need to be attracted to someone to have sex. Men aren’t robots who should perform on cue or on a schedule.
If you yourself don’t feel attractive - how can you expect him to feel that you are. A partner with no confidence is really a turn off. I am sorry.

In other circumstances when people on MN describe their partners obsessively using porn many times a day - yes, those are addictive behaviours that affect sex in a relationship.
Your case doesn’t seem that way.

You can, of course chose to leave him over this.
However - your self esteem won’t improve on its own and in a new relationship.
You need to find something that works for YOU to feel better about yourself - exercise? new clothes? new hobbies? going out? Etc

[rockbottomx]

@Bluntness100 did you see my post where I said if it had just been porn then I would have probably made a jokey comment to let him know that I knew
If I hadn't noticed that specific picture I would have probably jokingly said something along the lines of "oh I came across your stash today" and left it at that

Its not OK in the slightest that he has downloaded a photo of someone that we know and this is where he's majorly crossed the line

For some people porn is not OK and it makes them feel like shit. I'm one of those people. And that doesn't make me any less of a person

[Bluntness100]

Op. He's going to look at porn. You either need to accept this or leave. It's that simple.

The reasons though you have issues with porn are yours. And it is encumbant on you to do something about those, be it therapy or whatever.

You don't seem to have a moral objection to porn, your issue is it makes you feel less adequate, and this is your issue. It's ok to say to him this is how I feel don't do it please, and I'm working to resolve the issue.

It's not ok to say this is how I feel, don't do it, and I'm doing nothing to help myself, so that's it for you for ever.

[suziesue45]

@Prawnofthepatriarchy
Yes you're 100% right, I just glare at him when he starts then I'm told to loosen up a bit. I've tried doing the same thing but he doesn't bat an eyelid, he's very selfish too. BUT, things are getting very close to finishing between us as I have other bigger issues with him.

[rockbottomx]

If he won't talk tonight or even make steps to when I go and fetch him from work (dd is at the in laws house as it was grandparents day at nursery) then he can go to his mum and dad's house for the night. Knowing he's in the house and refusing to talk, will just wind me up and make me feel worse and cause an atmosphere, and that's not fair on dd

[rockbottomx]

It's difficult not to take it as a slight against myself, when he's been using a photo of someone that we know

He doesn't come to bed until late, probably deliberately past when I'm normally asleep. And more often than not when I've tried to initiate things then he's said he's not in the mood. Yet he's obviously in the mood to wank over stuff like that

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

@suziesue45, what you describe is a form of exhibitionism. He's at least on one level getting off a second time by telling you (against your will) the lurid details of sexual encounters he's had and porn he's just watched. Your discomfort is part of his pleasure.

I'd get very angry if a bloke tried to do this to me. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that I didn't want to hear about it and to fucking shut up. Ostentatiously put your fingers in your ears or move out of earshot.

[RueCambon]

If your self esteem were higher you would get turned off by somebody ignoring your needs and disrespecting /objectifying women. He is ignoring your upset, so the solution is to get turned off and reject what (little) he is offering. Dont try and me more than one woman! Nobody should have to feel they are not enough. Just let him get on with it but allow yourself the right to be turned off. This isnt for you. Act accordingly. Dont try and be more for one man who is farfrom an ideal himself.

[Carrie1402]

nah, sorry. His and your opinions on porn is one thing. But having a picture of someone you know to wank over? Really? He's an absolute twat. And the for people on here giving you a hard time for objecting? what on earth?
He's displaying classic narc. behaviour. You've caught him bang to rights and he won't like that. OP - I am so sorry this has happened to you.

[user1479305498]

I appreciate many men are simple creatures, but the fact is most women are not and for many women your partner using it more than ‘occasionally’ is a deal breaker or at minimum causes distrust if they aren’t open about it. I actually find the secrecy and lying worse than the behaviour if you get what I mean.

[SellmeyourMLMcrap]

Hi OP, I'm sure this feels like some sort of betrayal, if he knows how you feel and lied then really it is some sort of betrayal. How you deal with that is your business but I do hope that you find some closure.

But on the subject of Porn, I really don't think it's right that you take it as a slight on yourself. They are essentially fantasy and not the kind of fantasy that we'd want to act out. It's just us Men are simple creatures, we are turned on in such a way that we often won't equate what we are looking at with anything, we aren't thinking of being there or that we wished our partner looked that way or behaved that way. It's just so much more simplistic than that. Very much, woah, tits, woah, bum, woah, I've cum. That sort of thought process.

The issues with your own intimacy I'm sure could be resolved with open communication and honesty. That's very difficult for a lot of people, especially Men. We are often expected to be a certain way, to perform sexually at all times but whilst we're simple, we're also complex in other ways. Try talking, don't be confrontational and see where it takes you.