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DP and his ex inappropriate?

(64 Posts)
MargeB Sat 10-Aug-19 06:12:15

DP and me been together 9 years this June. He has two boys, 11 and 15 with ex wife. The boys live with her in Basingstoke, about half hour drive from us. I don't talk to the ex wife since she tried to sabotage our Christmas with a mystery illness which she miraculously recovered from when DP drove up there, and interfering in our relationship on and off since the beginning. Just stirring and feigning illnesses to get attention.

DP is oblivious to her meddling. For the past year or so they've been in contact via text nearly every day, not particularly about the kids but just general chit chat, even discussing our problems like wanting a child of our own. I've made it clear I'm not happy with it, but he claims it's entirely innocent and they just get on well. They even go out for drinks together, I'm not invited because I've made it clear i think she's poison and she's made no secret of the fact she dislikes me and thinks my DP can do better. She actually said that!

I understand they have to get on for the kids, but texting every day and going out for drinks occasionally feels wrong to me. It doesn't help that I have little confidence, am overweight and not sure if this is why I'm making an issue out of something that is, I think quite innocent. I've talked to DP but he's made it clear that he's not prepared to cool things down as it's my problem, I'm being controlling.

What hurts is that he knows it upsets me, but he can't seem to stop texting her. He says he misses their chats and feels sorry for her as she's lonely. I told him I don't mind them texting, just not every day. And I don't like them going for drinks. I think it's strange and not something you do with an ex. But he's adamant it's all innocent and they're just friends.

Just to reiterate I have no problem with him chatting about the kids. But it just feels out of order how close they are. And knowing how manipulative his ex is. And I can't stand that he's discussed our personal problems with this woman, especially the difficult conceiving issue. She once said, when we were still being civil, that some women just aren't meant to be mothers, which really hurt. DP just said she says things without thinking.

What can I say that will make DP see that it's killing our relationship. I'm so full of resentment it's getting to the point where I feel like I'm going crazy. DP has no close friends, only work colleagues, and so I feel mean stopping them socializing because he has no close friends to go out with.

Tonight was a breaking point having sat on the sofa all night, trying to have a conversation whilst he was tapping away on his phone to her all evening, I could scream.

Shooturlocalmethdealer Sat 10-Aug-19 06:26:51

What you say OP to DP is it is either you or her. One of you have to go. Hopefully its her!!

TheStuffedPenguin Sat 10-Aug-19 06:42:34

This is just wrong . Yes, communicate re children but the rest of it ? No fucking way . Going out for drinks together ? No way . Discussing you ? No! Many men don't have loads of friends due to work and family commitments esp the older they get .

What can you say ? Just what you said here - I'm becoming increasingly unhappy with all the texting etc between you and ex. It makes me feel as if there is no future in our relationship and that you might be happier with her . Of course you have to be prepared to walk the walk with that . Nobody deserves to be second best in a relationship .

AE18 Sat 10-Aug-19 06:46:46

Completely agree with PPs, this is so inappropriate. The fact that he's discussed conception issues with someone he knows really upsets you and dislikes you is so unbelievably disrespectful and selfish. He genuinely sounds quite awful to me, no consideration for you at all.

EileenAlanna Sat 10-Aug-19 06:47:13

Your "D"P isn't oblivious to her meddling, he's enjoying the drama. 9 years is too long to have put in on this man, I'd suggest you look for someone who puts consideration for you, your feelings & your private life together somewhere above the bottom of the pecking order. You deserve better.

ShippingNews Sat 10-Aug-19 07:38:29

This is totally wrong. With kids of 11 and 15 there shouldn't be a lot to say . My DH talks to his ex once per week when he rings to talk to his son with Asperger's , who is home with his mother and doesn't have a phone. DH rings her, speaks to her for about 1 minute and then she puts their son on. End of. To me that is normal - what you've got is definitely NOT normal.

Seems to me that you've been with him for 9 years, no kids. Your partner has gone back to his "comfort zone" of chatting to his ex, with whom he has a long history, things in common etc. And no doubt she is loving it, knowing she is disrupting his relationship with you.

The fact that he knows you are upset about this, but isn't willing to do anything about it, and in fact FLAUNTS it in front of you like tonight with you trying to talk to him and him texting her while you talk ........ to me that would be the end of the relationship right there. She is the OW in my opinion, and it's happening right in front of you. I'd be packing my bags, OP. You deserve much better than this.

Walkmehome Sat 10-Aug-19 09:09:58

Texting all evening while you are sitting with him? No that’s out of order.

You’ve discussed it and he doesn’t agree with you so I can’t see any way of resolving this unless you call it a day.

butterflywings37 Sat 10-Aug-19 09:27:31

YANBU

He needs to either stop the daily texts and drinks or I'd leave him.
He's basically having both relationships still - that is not fair on you.

ErniesGhostlyGoldtops Sat 10-Aug-19 09:34:46

He is deaf to you because this situation suits him. You need to issue an ultimatum and stand by it. He is being very very disrespectful towards you with this behaviour.

JiltedJohnsJulie Sat 10-Aug-19 09:47:30

If he can't or won't respect your wishes you need to move on.

Summerunderway Sat 10-Aug-19 09:50:25

He loves having his ego stroked.
Won't be long before it's his penis getting stroked imo.
He is keeping you apart for a reason op....
You need to tell him she goes or he does...
Though for me he would be binned already.

SandyY2K Sat 10-Aug-19 09:51:22

It really doesn't sound like he cares about you tbh.

I think your low confidence is keeping you in this relationship and he can take it or leave it, whereas you're fully invested in it.

I wouldn't put up with the level of contact and as I cannot control or dictate, I'd end the relationship... I would have ended it ages ago.

Even if she was I'll over Christmas, why was he the one she called over?

I'd say she's his primary woman, as he drops what he's doing for her and you're just left.

I also think he knows that you lack confidence and you will continue to put up with it, because a new relationship is daunting or you feel being overweight lessens your options.

You've told him how you feel. He has made it clear he won't stop chatting and going for drinks with her...even saying he misses their chats.

Would he be okay if you went drinking with an Ex and texting all the time?

Discussing personal issues like TTC? I'm afraid that would be a dealbreaker for me. Better to cut loose when you don't have kids and you never have to see him again.

I think you need to work on yourself and your self worth. The lack of self esteem is making you tolerant this nonsense.

lifebegins50 Sat 10-Aug-19 10:00:48

Op, I have asked MN to remove your location as identifiable. Just for your own sake.

Your dp is not innocent here, you mention she is manipulative but look at his behaviour. What's the benefit to him to have both women not talking to each other? He is the puppetmaster. You feel upset and she doesn't look to find someone else as in a "relationship" with him. He has his ego stroked by 2 women arging over him.

The term is triangulation, google it.

How old are you? There is often no way to fix this situation as he isn't emotionally mature enough to treat you well. Leaving is likely to be the only way.
You deserve better and this man can't or won't give it to you. Btw, a red flag to me was a man with no male friends.

OliveToboogie Sat 10-Aug-19 13:07:05

It's time to move on maybe he is not the right man for you. He seems to enjoy having two women running after him. You are worth more than this.

ballsdeep Sat 10-Aug-19 13:12:41

Completly inappropriate. I agree with the pp who said she is the primary woman. He dumps you for her on Christmas day ; she knows she asks him to jump he's asks how high.
I'd be fuming op and ask him to make a choice

category12 Sat 10-Aug-19 13:19:25

Give it up. I wouldn't be thinking of having a child with him, more how can I move my life on from him, since he'd rather text her than talk to you. What's the point of living your life second-best to his ex?

Happydays2019 Sat 10-Aug-19 13:19:58

The best thing you can do is park this for now, the frustration you feel and his selfishness about the situation are evident.

What can you do?
He won't rectify his behaviour in any way.
You will remain frustrated.
The only thing you can change is yourself and your feelings towards this. Start by going to counselling to work on your confidence. You talked about feeling over weight, join the group's on here and figure out a diet and exercise plan for yourself. If you are working , up skill and take on more challenges, go out more and meet your friends and family.
You are sitting in, always available knowing he is texting her and disrespecting you. Let him text her and go for drinks with her , you have little choice in the matter.
You do have a choice to change your self and get your self away from how you are feeling and get fit and healthy.

Kobr Sat 10-Aug-19 13:41:41

Fuck that. Ultimatum time

Kewlwife Sat 10-Aug-19 13:47:00

My children have different biological fathers. I'm also a stepmother to my current partner's children. He's the father of one of my children.

One of the things we found attractive about each other is that we understood exactly why we remain good friends with our exes/co-parents. And no, it isn't just for the sake of the children. We were once in love. We have shared history and friends and familial relationships. Although our romantic relationship ended, it doesn't stop him being a very important part of my life. So yes, we chat, we go out together, we have even take our kids in holiday together without our respective partners. It just made financial sense and only we could get the time off of work.

We don't check how often or what nature our correspondence is with other people because we trust each other to stick within the agreed boundaries of our relationship so I don't actually know how often they speak. I speak to my ex most days in some form.

Generally, I'm an avid promoter of observing actions to assess (ongoing) compatibility. Rather than try and make someone comfortable about the way I interact with my ex, I sought people who share my views about it. If someone displays actions that make me unhappy, I walk away or change our relationship to a model that works better for us. Friends instead of lovers. Live apart as partners rather than together. I think we'd be better served by looking for cohesion than forcing change.

MargeB Sat 10-Aug-19 15:56:36

Thanks for the replies. I think Im to blame partly because Ive let it get to this stage, all the time thinking it was good for his two boys that his parents got on well. But I think somewhere its crossed over from being on good terms for the kids, to something that makes me really uncomfortable.

Whenever we've discussed it, usually when Im at my wits end, he tells me its more that theyre really good friends and confide in each other likes mates, that theres nothing else to it, and I buy it, at the time, but to answer a query no he wouldnt like it if I was chatting to my ex every day and going out socialising with them, which then makes me feel like a doormat going along with it all.

And I dont think its acceptable to discuss our problems with her, when she clearly would love nothing more than for us to split and her have him all to herself, but he's too stupid to see that. Or maybe Im the stupid one? Or maybe Im asking too much and being controlling, stopping him talking to her. Im so confused, I dont know what normal boundaries are anymore. I just know that it makes me feel crap.

Kewlwife Sat 10-Aug-19 16:00:22

There aren't normal boundaries. Just the boundaries that you mutually agree on. You can't make an agreement about this, from how it seems.

inbetweenforever Sat 10-Aug-19 16:05:44

The boys are older enough to communicate with your partner themselves. Do you have the same routine for seeing them every week? Only time the ex and your partner should be talking if it's about the kids only and it shouldn't be that much at the ages the kids are. I'd be giving him an ultimatum.

iVampire Sat 10-Aug-19 16:10:16

‘What can I say that will make DP see that it's killing our relationship.‘

Absolutely nothing. Because he knows all he needs to know (as your second post makes abundantly clear)

There is nothing more to be said.

The only question that remains is what you are going to do

Kewlwife Sat 10-Aug-19 16:19:13

I really struggle with people saying that it "should" be a certain way. I would very much resent anyone telling me that I "shouldn't" speak to my ex about anything other than our child.

SandyY2K Sat 10-Aug-19 16:21:09

Or maybe Im asking too much and being controlling

You're not being controlling. You're not saying they should not speak to each other...but the level of contact is too much.

I was the one who asked if he'd be okay with you being so friendly with an Ex.

I had a similar issue, but it wasn't this level of contact. It was the discussion of personal issues.

I made it clear that if he didn't stop, I would make contact with a few of my Exs for friendship. He tried to say he was always friendly with his Ex, but I was going out of my way to make contact.

I told him some of them wanted to stay friends, but I didn't think it was appropriate...but if it was ok for him...then I'd do the same.

He was very destabilized by it and is the jealous type too.

Now I was married with kids, if I was not married and didn't have kids like you, I'd be long gone.

You're not a priority to him. He's made that very clear to you. It's just hard to accept.

Surfingtheweb Sat 10-Aug-19 16:27:05

You know sometimes you are in something so long that it gradually builds up go being a huge problem. If this had been the case from day 1 you'd of got rid from the start. But it's built up.
You 100% shouldn't be put in this situation at all!!! He's supposed to be with you. The kids are irrelevant if his daily chats and going for drinks is nothing to do with them.
They both need to move on, are probably both running each other's egos & all the while making you feel dreadful.
I don't know the solution but I'm with you 100% that this is not ok.

simplekindoflife Sat 10-Aug-19 16:34:07

I don't think this behaviour is ok and even if I did, you're not happy with it and you've told him this, but he's still doing it... decision time here I think.

I wouldn't be happy with it and it would be a deal breaker for me. I certainly wouldn't be having kids with him as I wouldn't trust him.

If you give him an ultimatum though, be prepared to follow through.

womenspeakout Sat 10-Aug-19 16:34:28

What on Earth are they texting about all night?

This is such strange behaviour for exes, yes he should have a good relationship for the kids, and communicate, but this goes far too far. All night texting and ignoring you, does he understand who he's actually in a relationship with?

He's still your DP even after nine years and you wanting a child together? Any reason?

palahvah Sat 10-Aug-19 16:39:51

Blaming yourself is unhelpful. You can make a choice now, and you deserve better than the treatment you're getting from him.

Get yourself out there and be no-one's second fiddle.

Good luck x

HaileySherman Sat 10-Aug-19 16:40:34

Going out for drinks? That's too far. He doesn't have other friends? That's not your fault. If he needs that social interaction then he should try to find other friends.

AnyFucker Sat 10-Aug-19 16:52:11

He is having an affair with his ex in plain sight and you are simply a bit part player

What you say to him is "fuck off back to her" and mean it

Mageton Sat 10-Aug-19 17:12:15

It doesn’t sound like he’s oblivious to the fact she’d like nothing better than to have him to herself. It sounds like he’s very aware of it and enjoys having two women fighting over him at a distance. This way he also doesn’t have to commit to either of you does he? He can just be the juicy bone you fight over.

ChristmasFluff Sat 10-Aug-19 18:42:48

He's your problem, not her.

I am extremely amicable with my ex-husband, he is my 'in case of emergency' contact etc, but we only speak about our son, about finances etc. Why are they going out for drinks????

You do not need to tell him that discussing conceiving etc is inappropriate - he's an ADULT and he KNOWS.

They are both manipulative. He is using you to triangulate her, and she is whatever she is . But she isn't your business.

He doesn't love you. That IS your business.

AllFourOfThem Sat 10-Aug-19 18:48:28

You are not to blame.

I have to admit that I would leave him. I’m not a jealous person and being in touch with an ex isn’t an issue for me but he is spending all his time messaging and none on your relationship. I’d feel the same if he was spending all his time on a computer game or similar instead.

MsDogLady Sat 10-Aug-19 19:03:00

Chatting with her all night while you sat next to him trying to have a conversation? He was actually in her presence, not yours.

He prioritizes her and ignores your feelings. They are together again and are even going on dates. Stop tolerating this and show him the door.

Mermaidsinthesand Sun 11-Aug-19 07:59:16

Why does everything have to come back to controlling these days? What happened to stop respect.

He is showing lack of respect, hiding behind words of controlling just to have his cake and eat it

I'd tell him general chit chat and things about the children fine, but talking about you to her, drinks daily texts that is not on.

Kewlwife Sun 11-Aug-19 08:00:24

Is it quite normal for people to tell their partners who they can speak to and what they can talk about?

SwordofGryffindor Sun 11-Aug-19 12:52:48

He loves the drama.. why did you get with him when he had a baby at home ? Just curious

MrsPworkingmummy Sun 11-Aug-19 13:02:41

Christ OP, he's done a job on you hasn't he?? Leave him: you deserve so much better. He's not only being disrespectful, but he's ground your self esteem down to make you feel like this is your fault. Book into a hotel tonight, then start divorce proceedings tomorrow.

AgentJohnson Sun 11-Aug-19 13:20:00

Do not have a child with this man!

This is who he is and he has made it very clear that he isn’t about to change. He understands how you feel, he just doesn’t care.

LittleWing80 Sun 11-Aug-19 17:32:18

Out of interest, do you know how they split up? To understand their dynamic?

It sounds like she dumped him and whatever else she was aiming for hasn’t worked out so she has him on her backburner. Sounds like to him she is the one that got away and sadly you are on his backburner. I might be wrong.

That level and content of contact is disrespecful to you. These are your intimate issues, he is being careless and cruel.

Look after yourself, big hugs 💐

SapatSea Sun 11-Aug-19 18:21:12

She is the OW, he is texting and having "dates" (drinks) with her. They may not end in sex but their relationship is definitely taking from you. She is his confidant and you are being put in position Number 2. Ex W is revelling no doubt in still being number 1. That is why you are finding it so disturbing.

You were being reasonable an dtrying to be a grown up and the situation has just escalated, Good ol Marge. Is it a dealbreaker for you? Your partner thinks it isn't for you. You have called him on it and he won't budge. When you are ready give an ultimatum that you are prepared to carry through.

MargeB Tue 13-Aug-19 15:12:12

It was a messy split. I think she's not over him, and is clearly jealous of us. Hence the desperate need to be involved in our relationship, or attention from DP. Maybe he likes the attention too.

I put up with it initially because of the kids, but reading the comments on here its gone beyond that. I feel betrayed because whats she's said isnt ok, and he makes excuses for her behavior rather than back me up.

We've been trying IVF for years, which hasn't worked. I cant stand that she knows about all that too. Its private between us, but the excuse is that they're mates and talk about all sorts of things. He has no mates himself etc. Im so angry with him. And her. I just want her out of our lives, but because of the kids she won't be.

Im worried if I make him choose, he'll choose her. When they've gone for drinks and a 'catch up' the kids aren't there. It all feels really wrong sad

LittleWing80 Tue 13-Aug-19 15:49:03

Yes, it does sound like the dynamic but if fairness, she is only doing it because he allows her to.

I am with you on the allowing them to coparent but this is beyond that.

The betrayal for me is discussing your intimate issues with someone he knows is trying to split you two up (because I don’t buy the whole ‘he is naive’, ‘she is manipulating him’, ‘they are just mates’).

I would ask to be there if they meet up. I don’t see why you wouldn’t be included.

Musti Tue 13-Aug-19 15:59:33

I would start joining them for drinks...see what happens then. Tell your husband that this high level of contact is unfair to everyone - to you because he's being with her how he should be with you and to her because it's not allowing her to move on. Tell him that whilst you don't mind them being friendly, this is too much and crosses the line and you will no longer accept it.

Bluntness100 Tue 13-Aug-19 16:06:05

Who instigated the split op?

The fact this has only started happening in thr last year, and it Wasn't like this before, is a bit concerning that they are getting close again.

Is this why you're worried that he would now pick her? Is she involved with anyone else?

hellsbellsmelons Tue 13-Aug-19 16:11:44

He says he misses their chats and feels sorry for her as she's lonely
So now he's her knight in shining armour!!??
Fuck that OP.
You deserve far better.
None of this is OK.
And he's playing her against you.
I'd leave them to each other - they deserve each other

RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bluntness100 Tue 13-Aug-19 16:20:26

This is one of the few times on here I think there is something to be worried about, often it's just Jealous imaginary crap.

Op, he's texting her all the time, even with you, goes for drinks alone with her, has even told you he missed their chats, which he will also have told her, and more and all this has started in the last year.

The issue here is uou don't want to loose him, and fear if you made him chose, ie told him no more with her, he would pick her.

I think you need to say no more, and if he does pick her, then you're best off out of it instead of letting it drag on till that happened any way. It's better to do it now, rather than give them more time to get closer.

Scorpiovenus Tue 13-Aug-19 16:25:59

I'm sorry OP but I think you have been short changed in this relationship.

I'm sorry but its true.

Teddybear45 Tue 13-Aug-19 16:29:31

I think you should just leave. There’s definitely something going on between them and probably has been since your relationship started. Leave him to her and go live your life!

Morgan12 Tue 13-Aug-19 16:32:54

Get him to fuck. Honestly if he isn't willing to cool their relationship for your sake then he is basically picking her anyway.

I'd bet my left arm they reconcile about 3.4 seconds after you dump him.

Bluntness100 Tue 13-Aug-19 16:33:33

There’s definitely something going on between them and probably has been since your relationship started

I don't think that's the case, she has been with him for nine years and says this only started in the last year.

IABUQueen Tue 13-Aug-19 16:37:29

I think you’re a saint to have lasted this long. I would not be ok

ScreamingLadySutch Tue 13-Aug-19 16:41:35

He is playing you both.

Your feelings are telling you your boundaries are being crossed and your are being disrespected.

Please don't bring children into this mess. Please. There are lots of genuinely single men out there, you don't have to hurt the family he already has.

IABUQueen Tue 13-Aug-19 16:42:56

you don't have to hurt the family he already has.

Omg 😮 did you just victim blame in broad daylight

LittleWing80 Tue 13-Aug-19 16:49:33

Don’t hurt the family he already has?

Truly confused 🤔.

Has is OP doing or risking this?

LittleWing80 Tue 13-Aug-19 16:50:00

How*

PieAndPumpkins Tue 13-Aug-19 16:52:38

I wouldnt be having this whatsoever. Hell to the no.
You're worried he will choose her if you gave him an ultimatum... But do you really want to be with a man who would choose his ex over you anyway? I'd be extremely suspicious of this relationship, and I'm not even a suspicious person. It's inappropriate on so many levels. He is disrespecting you, showing you no priority at all. No, just no. Stand up for yourself.

CountSnackula Tue 13-Aug-19 17:00:08

She's just not really his EX, is she? Sounds a lot more like a current, to me.

He's taking the piss, OP.

MamitaSi Tue 13-Aug-19 19:01:31

You need to think about how good you will be going to sleep ALONE not worrying this MF is texting someone else.
Fair enough you have low self steam, however you are not loosing a battle.

This man not good. You letting go, without having a battle. And winning overall.

This man does not deserve you being there for him or his kids. Get out.

It does not matter how many years you have been together. It's a one person relationship now. He is gone, it is his fault.

Let go, do yourself a favour.

Its hard, but let go.

MsDogLady Tue 13-Aug-19 23:24:53

They are having an emotional affair, and it seems to be escalating with the drinks dates and his blanking you for her. I would not say another word to ‘make him see,’ as he will just deny and minimize. He feels entitled to betray you right under your nose, and couldn’t care less that you are uncomfortable with their intimacy.

Gather your strength and walk away now.

BumbleBeee69 Wed 14-Aug-19 00:07:52

Pack his bags and send him home OP.

Do not look back at this TWAT. flowers

HollowTalk Wed 14-Aug-19 00:13:38

Be strong, OP, and tell him to go. It's only a matter of time before he falls into bed with her - if you dump him you'll feel so much better than if he dumps you.

PickAChew Wed 14-Aug-19 00:16:06

End the IVF.

Walk.

He will never detach and step up.

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