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Somehow I've turned into a f*%@ buddy....

(68 Posts)
Tamz77 Wed 01-Aug-07 18:40:26

I'm 2 months into my first relationship since a very damaging relationship with ds's father. The guy in question is so gorgeous it makes me melt every time I look at him. On paper we should be perfect together; we are both single parents, same age, it's easy for us to meet up (he's self-employed and we're both pretty flexible). But, get this: in 2 months we have had NO dates since our first week of coffees and pub lunches. No cinema, club, walk in the park, restaurants, meeting each other's friends. We've done a couple of kids' things as a foursome but nothing else.

The problems are these: number one, he never asks me anything about myself. Oh, once he asked me about some books on my bookshelf. But conversation is almost painful because I have to say everything that comes into my head, as otherwise it's all about him: interesting enough, but not a 2-way exchange in the slightest. My gran died last week and all he said when I told him was, "Right." No, "How are you? Were you close? When's the funeral?" or anything. Number two, the only time we spend together is 9.30 pm (ie after ds is asleep) until 8 am at my house, to do You Know What, which is great, as it's been 4 yrs in my case (!), but not really what I had in mind.

I accept the fact that this is not a long term prospect but surely I can expect a little more? I've mentioned it briefly, how I'm perplexed that he says how much he likes me but apparently never wants to venture out in public together or to construct anything more meaningful. He never calls me his girlfriend, invites me to meet his friends, is always making arrangements on days I have put aside for us to get together, and yet all the time is telling me how great I am and how much he likes me.

We met online so inevitably I'm suspicious that he's got fifteen other women in similar situations dotted about the city, but I think that's my own paranoia, I've met his kid and been to his house so I doubt he's married, but being a f*%@ buddy is really not what I wanted at my time of life. However, I don't want to make a fuss about something that's not really a problem, as the sex is good, he's very sweet and nice and cuddly and all that jazz. Anyone who's had this and managed to turn it into something else, I'd be very grateful to hear from.

Confession: I am lonely and desperate for adult male company and if it wasn't for this would have shut this down before now. He has a history of getting 'inexplicably dumped' and I rather feel I'm going to be the next one, though he's so beautiful, and the sense of potential is so huge, I just can't let it go yet.

Sorry, this is probably more of a vent than an actual dilemma, I've just never had something so casual and don't think I want it, either. Want to know really whether I'm kidding myself on the 'potential' thing.

Thanks for listening xx

WinkyWinkola Wed 01-Aug-07 18:47:10

Aw no. I'm sorry you've found yourself in this position and you're not happy about it.

I know what it's like to feel lonely and desperate for adult, male company too and it once led me to be in a similar situation that was less than desirable for me long term. I binned the man in question and he didn't mind which basically made me think I'd made the right decision.

Have you asked him to go out to the park etc? Why don't you engineer it to happen if you don't feel you can ask him. Set up a date?

Are you saying you would like to be this man's gf? He doesn't sound like a particularly, how shall we say, interactive person apart from the how's your father part. Maybe you don't accept this isn't a long term prospect because you really want something more.

I reckon you should be clear and upfront with him about what you want. Of course, you have to be sure of what you really want first.. .. ... . .

thegardener Wed 01-Aug-07 18:47:49

Maybe you could keep your options open and try dating online again, he obviously has limitations on when you can meet etc so i'd try looking for other people to have fun with.

PersonalClown Wed 01-Aug-07 18:51:33

Hate to say this but he is using you for his own pleasure.
I could have wrote your post myself at the beginning of the year.
It will destroy your confidence if you allow him to treat you this way.
I feel so much better since I got rid of the bloke I was 'seeing'.
Think of it as a boost! You are attractive, fabulous company etc or he wouldn't have kept coming back.
You deserve so much more.

Furball Wed 01-Aug-07 18:56:58

Don't take this the wrong way - but are you sure he's single?

Carmenere Wed 01-Aug-07 18:57:22

Iiwy I would, before you become the next one to 'inexplicibly' dump him, tell him that although you think he is gorgeous and enjoy bedding him, that he needs to put a bit more effort in if he is to keep on being invited into your bed. tell him that you suspect that this may be the reason he gets dumped and that to be straight you could easily get a bloke to shag you and be nice to you too. then leave it with him.
He is either dumped or he steps up to the mark, either way you are better off.

binklehasflipped Wed 01-Aug-07 18:57:47

If you can accept this relationship for what is it then I say enjoy!

If you feel you may get attached to him then its probably best to let it go sooner rather than later

expatinscotland Wed 01-Aug-07 18:59:50

I'd tell him what you've said here. That's puts the ball in his court, but as I'm a born pessimist I'd start moving on after that and see what he did.

I don't do 'casual' myself. I've been down that road and found I couldn't really pull it off w/o getting hurt, so I always went for the one night stand and got out of there quick.

expatinscotland Wed 01-Aug-07 19:00:43

Bickle, she's already attached to him to even write that OP. If she weren't none of this would bother her at all.

Been there, bought the tshirt!

themoon66 Wed 01-Aug-07 19:02:43

He sounds very un-single to me

binklehasflipped Wed 01-Aug-07 19:04:06

same here expat.

If it is the case that you're feeling more for him the just a stirring in your loins then I do think you should get out now.

Cool the contact and see if he comes to you (and not just for sex)

I know its hard when you've got such a catch to let it go though

Anna8888 Wed 01-Aug-07 19:09:43

Oh dear... he doesn't sound as if he would make good long-term relationship material. And you are already attached to him .

Try looking elsewhere. You need someone who cares about all of you, beyond just saying so. Actions speak louder than words.

expatinscotland Wed 01-Aug-07 19:11:25

I agree, binkle, time to lay it on the line, but I'd move on after saying my peace.

expatinscotland Wed 01-Aug-07 19:12:26

I've told men flat out, 'Look, I'm starting to develop deeper feelings for you then just sex, and I feel you aren't, which is cool, but I think for my own health that if that's the case I need to move on.'

saladsucks Wed 01-Aug-07 19:22:17

What if you pretend to have a 10 day long period and can't/won't have sex during it? Then you'd see what sort of relationship you could have without sex. If you can't bear to be in the same room as him after 2 days without sex, you'll have the answer. Or you could end up talking for hours and finding lots of things in common. Either way - worth a try.

Tamz77 Wed 01-Aug-07 19:23:15

Re. the sex: we only started doing it 'properly' last week IYKWIM, beforehand he'd been staying over with no full sex, I had to get the killer lingerie out and tell him (more than once) that I really, really wanted to sleep with him. We had several weeks of him cancelling/falling asleep etc. One of my RL friends who knows the story thinks that he's had an abusive past or is a wee bit frigid.

No I'm not sure he's single but how can you ever be, short of hiring a private detective? As I said I've been to his house and met his kid, and he seems pretty straight up, just strangely disconnected, then complains that he has no luck with women.

As an aside, his last relationship (allegedly!) was over a year ago; they went out for NINE MONTHS before they slept together ; and as soon as that side of it got going apparently she dumped him.

He's just so beautiful! If he proposed tomorrow I would say yes. Good job I know he's not going to!!

Tamz77 Wed 01-Aug-07 19:24:47

To expand: we've had 2 months of doing everything but full sex, only started that last week, he seemed a bit reluctant, or nervous.

Dropdeadfred Wed 01-Aug-07 19:25:35

Hmmm..doesn't sound like he wants you just for sex then.

Is it a lack of money do you think that is preventing the dates or a lack of confidence /imagination in picking places.
Have you ever suggested a night at the cinema or a day at the zoo?

EscapeFrom Wed 01-Aug-07 19:25:56

has he just been really badly hurt, do you think?

filchthemildmanneredjanitor Wed 01-Aug-07 19:26:12

he sounds really weird to be honest.

just being good looking isn't enough to make up for everything else surely?

Tamz77 Wed 01-Aug-07 19:26:44

...Which is why I'm not convinced I'm being 'used'. Maybe he's just lonely too, knows I'm not The One but enjoys the company...

raspberryberet Wed 01-Aug-07 19:30:31

Maybe he's not "using" you - but sure as eggs is eggs he's not all that into you either. He's showing no signs of emotional involvement at all - and it sounds as if he's not been exactly forthcoming with the physical involvement either.

You say he's just "so beautiful" but by the sounds of it he's not all that beautiful on the inside which is where it really matters.

filchthemildmanneredjanitor Wed 01-Aug-07 19:30:50

so apart from the sex and looking at him, what are you getting out of it?

life is too short

bananabump Wed 01-Aug-07 19:41:35

Tamz77, his issues with sex almot sound like he was insecure about his body or sexual prowess, although if he's as gorgeous as you say he is, it seems odd that he would be selfconscious.

Whatever you do, don't keep telling him he's gorgeous, or give him the impression that you're thanking your lucky stars for the chance to be with him. That's the easiest way to surrender all power in a relationship, and leave yourself very vulnerable to getting hurt.

It does sound like he's making this all a bit too convenient for himself, perhaps you need to start getting a bit less convenient and see if he still wants to see you? Either say you have a bladder infection and you can't have sex for a while, or ask to make some day arrangements with him, and don't let him come around for sex until they happen.

Either that or just accept it's sex, get your fun out of it and expect no more until he starts giving you more. It's weird he isn't interested in you as a person, people who aren't big talkers are usually good listeners. If he isn't either, then what does he do?

If you could see him around his family or friends I bet you'd get a lot more insight into his personality. Maybe you need to drop in at his house when he has plans? <schemes>

Spandex Wed 01-Aug-07 19:42:06

Sounds like you'd marry him simply because he's good looking?

Then I don't understand why you want / need anything more from him.

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