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Terribly jealous of husband's new girlfriend, driving myself crazy(84 Posts)
Hi all, I am an occasional poster on the Relationship board, but I NCed for this post as I am worried it might be outing for people who know me in real life.
My husband and I separated 10 months ago, after 18 years together (12 years married) and two DC under the age of 10 whose custody we now share 50/50. We are both 44. The relationship had been difficult for over 3 years and we mutually agreed to split up. We both knew it was the right decision. Everything was fairly amicable, but of course still quite painful. We started co-parenting and things were going pretty well, all considered.
I thought I was recovering relatively well from the split, I signed up for clubs and activities, went out with friends, went on a couple of short childfree breaks. I felt quite positive about the future, albeit emotionally bruised from the upheaval of course.
Then three weeks ago, my husband told me out of the blue that he has been seeing a woman for a couple of months. I feel like I am not just emotionally back to square one, but actually feeling way worse than I did when we split.
I know her vaguely as a distant acquaintance. We live in a relatively small city and we have a lot of mutual acquaintances, so I think he was worried someone might see him out with her and tell me. So he told me “out of respect” I suppose. No plans to introduce her to DC at the moment.
She is 15 years younger than us, very attractive, wears fashionable clothes, no children (hence great body), cool job, the whole fucking gamut. Since he told me I have been driving myself mad and completely obsessing over this woman. I can’t help but checking her social media profiles several times a day and I feel terribly jealous. This feeling of jealousy is consuming all my days and nights and it is driving me mental. I feel old, fat and hopeless by comparison. I wonder how I will ever find anyone to move on with.
I have been trying my best to hide my feelings from my husband and “play it cool”, but I am finding it increasingly difficult to be as friendly with him as I was before and we have already had a couple of nasty arguments since he told me about her. I am worried my feelings of jealousy will ruin the good balance we managed to achieve for the sake of our DC.
I don’t want to be this bitter, old woman who can’t accept her marriage is over and move on. I don’t want to feel jealous of my husband’s new gorgeous girlfriend. I don’t want to give a damn!! How do I switch off these feelings? Why has this hit me so badly after I seemingly did well for many months after the separation?
Please help with some words of wisdom!!
Actually she is 14 years younger than us, not 15. Well, not much of a difference I suppose. Still bloody young!!
"This feeling of jealousy is consuming all my days and nights and it is driving me mental. I feel old, fat and hopeless by comparison. I wonder how I will ever find anyone to move on with.
So feel for you. It is the height of injustice that they swan on and have no problems getting into relationships with desirable younger people,
when the truth is there is no demand for older mothers.
I would say just feel the injustice and work through it. I have eventually come to 'meh' whilst carrying a secret grief that my life hasn't worked out the way I hoped and dreamed. That is a big secret grief for me, all I wanted was to be in a team facing life together with my friend.
Can understand why you are jealous. Even though it was a joint decision to split, it's still hard after that length of time. Especially since you will probably always love him in a way, he is the father of your children after all. One day at a time I think, it will get easier.
Please deleted social media OP. It is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. I really feel for you having been there but in different circumstances and the injustice is incredible but all I can say is I feel nothing about it now - time definitely heals. Acknowledge the feelings and but help yourself by removing social media.
I don't want to be with him, our marriage ended quite amicably, but I have been feeling exactly as you describe! He's done nothing wrong but my own feelings of inadequacy and not knowing exactly what I did wrong have led me to the "why can she make him happy when I couldn't". Its quite bizarre!
My words of wisdom (if you want to call it that!) would be to accept the feelings, acknowledge them, scream and rant into your pillow (or teddy bear if you have one - my poor girl bear got sodden with angry tears many times over!) and accept that you will feel like this occasionally. I have had to almost re programme the way I think about my ex as I found myself caring about how he felt and was managing when I shouldn't be doing so as he has someone else to do that. After 20 years it had become a habit
Be kind to yourself - time is a great healer and you will find it easier to cope with it. You may not ever find it easy - I dont! - but it will be easier.
Ah OP I completely understand where you're coming from.
I'm not one to dwell on ages because we all age and only the unlucky don't get older.
Would you be up for meeting her? If you get on with her it might make the whole thing easier.
If it makes you feel a little better then you could stop thinking of the things that she has that you don't (child free body, cool job) and think of the things you shared with ex that she will never (first child for both of you together). A 30yo might find a ready made family a little tiresome after a while anyway. But that feels a little negative and moving forward you need to feel positive towards the future.
You split for the right reasons, remember that
I'm sorry OP, that sounds really hard to deal with.
I thought I was over my last LTR... then I found out he got married. GRR! We had been 2 years split but I was just sat there asking myself why he was emotionally invested in her but not me.
(Predictably, it seems he was already emotionally invested in her before he bothered telling me about it, and oh coincidentally her dad was terminally ill so she was about to inherit about half a million quid. To her credit, she told him flat out that they wouldn't be having sex before he'd officially broken up with me. Fair play to her, i hold no resentment towards her. but FUCK MY EX.)
Sorry that was waffle. What I meant to say was keep on keeping on. Or as Winston Churchill (I think?) once said - When you're going through hell, keep going.
These unexpected wounds can be so fucking painful, but you're being the best parent possible for your DC. Keep doing that, keep enriching your life and theirs. Don't ask them any questions about "daddy's new GF". (It's sooooo fucking hard not to. But at their age they are not equipped to handle this. And I say this as someone who as a child was asked this fairly regularly about the women my dad left my mum for.)
Keep your chin up and keep posting
Please try to remember he didn't choose her over you. He didn't leave you for her. He didn't decide to 'upgrade' etc etc
That's not what happened, there was no comparison between you two and he 'chose' her.
As a pp said, try to focus on what you have - lovely children, 18 years of memories etc.
Agree delete social media. It won’t help you. And instead of thinking of her - think about why you have insecurities. Is it your age? Weight? Style? Sure you can’t get younger but you can make the best of yourself so you feel good every time you look in the mirror.
Also the whole cool job etc - it’s cool at 30 but not in your 40s. You are at different life stages and you have a lot more to celebrate at your stage because you have achieved so much more.
It’s really natural for us to compare ourselves, but there really isn’t any value in it; you’re torturing yourself.
Remember, she isn’t the reason you split, she’s just his new partner.
Be kind to yourself, you are amazing in your own right and everything you’re feeling is totally natural.
No matter how much of a new life and identity you’ve forged for yourself, other events that solidify your marriage is over (I.e ex moving on) will always reopen wounds and make you question yourself, and measure yourself unfairly (“he’s moved on, why haven’t I?” Etc).
Don’t do yourself a disservice now and let these negative thoughts (as natural as they are) ruin the excellent foundations you’ve built with your ex.
I’m sure he’ll understand that it’s a lot to take in and get over, but try not to rely on that if you possibly can.
You’re doing really well, keep your head up and don’t compare yourself to anyone else - it’s a waste of energy!
God when I was 30 and childfree I wouldn't of got involved with a divorced father 14 years older in a million years. At that age the world should be your oyster and you should have plenty of choice with no baggage.
Its unlikely to work out but as someone says that is just being negative. Can totally see why you feel this way but agree I would delete social media and try your best for it not to consume you. You don't want him afterall.
Wanted to give another perspective from a new younger partner to a man who was previously married a long time. My fiancé mutually split from his ex wife too, they became friends. However occasionally I am jealous. Superficially in the eyes of society, I am ‘better’. I have the qualities you describe. But my partner loved his ex enough to marry and to have children. They were together 15 years. His ex is a damn good mum and a genuinely nice person, they just grew apart, in my opinion very attractive too. I can never give him the shared history they have together, nor will I be the only wife he’s ever had or the only person he’s had children with.
However I will be the last and truthfully, I am grateful for his past. Without his previous relationship he wouldn’t be the man I fell in love with. I hope it brings you some comfort to know however perfect she may seem, she will also have her own insecurities. I think your reaction is normal because it’s unknown territory. You’ve known him with you.
My advice would be stop checking Mom her, we all shownour best lives on social media. Also. I know he may legally be your husband but you’ve split almost a year so I would try think of him as your ex now
Can I suggest you get yourself a counsellor, you need a safe place to vent all this out loud to get it out of your system, so you can co-parent as amicably as possible. Its part of being kind to yourself. It may help you develop coping strategies, if you have someone to talk it through with, it should give you a time and place you can dedicate to this and to you, so that you don't obsess about it. And worse case if it doesn't help you can simply stop, but it sounds like it could help.
Definitely step away from the social media. Have you got a friend who can help you with that? everytime you feel the urge to look at her profiles give them a call. Or come on here.
I agree with getting a councellor. You were with your ex for a long time and it's natural to be struggling a bit so seeing someone might help.
So she's 30. The "10s" are pivotal psychological turning points, for some more than others. She's probably secretly unhappy, scared, desperate...which is why she's dating an (to her) old guy with kids, ex, financial ties, instead of a free, unencumbered guy her own age. Her life probably looks amazing from where you're standing but think for a second - at 26, you got with a 26 year old. At 30, she's settled for a 44 year old MLCer. Not so fabulous, her life, is it?
You had his best years, now she can nurse him as he turns crusty. Go get yourself someone better.
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, OP. Men do seem to move on easily. I was relieved when my ExDH got a girlfriend.
I've been seeing someone for four months. He's been separated for a while but the marriage has been over for years. She ended the marriage. He and I got together after they'd been separated for a year. But lately, she's been really upset and asking how serious he is with me. I have been thinking maybe she regrets her decision or thinks we had an affair. But this thread has made me realise that she is probably feeling as you are.
I think jealousy is natural to a degree but not to the extent you are describing. I would agree with the social media thing. Ultimately she may turn out to be more than his GF and in time may become involved in your children’s lives. My ex met someone 9 years younger who was 24 when they met! She was everything you describe. I was jealous too. He ended up marrying her and they had another child and I have to say she has been wonderful with my son when he was growing up and is just a very nice person. The jealousy goes with time.
Baby1onboard how can you be sure you'll be 'the last'?!
And it is very easy for someone else to say to think of him as her ex as they've been separated for a year... I've actually known a few separated wives/husbands get back together after being separated for a year.
For what it’s worth OP I think you’ll get past this, you sound really level- headed and insightful. Also there’s almost a degree of warmth about the way you describe her, like you don’t begrudge her any of the qualities you describe (the cool job, good body etc) - that’s really impressive on your part, some people get so consumed with jealousy that it manifests as horrible, bitter bitchiness.
You’re doing really well, go easy on yourself.
I love the comment above - you had his best years! It's true. Please don't compare yourself!! Delete SM, keep busy, go out with your single friends, spend quality time with your kids, focus on yourself and your own amazing life and forget about him (and her). Give yourself a little smack every time you find yourself dwelling on it and move on. Not sure if you are an animal fan, but what about treating yourself to a snuggly little puppy or even better, a rescue pup or cat - a project to keep you busy and something else for you to fall in love with.
I think it's fairly natural. My X went a bit nutty and jealous when I met my new husband, despite being a crap and unloving husband.
I vote for treasuring yourself, there is too much negativity about yourself in your post. I bet you're actually lovely.
I have the same problem with my now ex wife
Its been almost 4 years, she has a new younger man
and seems blissfully happy, whilst Im barely keeping it all together
admittedly we had no children together but we were together for 10 years plus
All I can say is chin up, there will be good days ahead - I have had some lol
@TheCatThatDanced not sure why you took my comment so negatively when I was trying to help the op... nevertheless I know I’ll be the last with regards to children but also it’s a very negative mindset to say ‘if we last’. Of course we may fail, but I like to be optimistic.
And he is an EX. He has a new partner. What use is it to op holding on to ‘my husband’? . Yes separated parents reunite all the time, however right now, they’re exactly that, separated through mutual decision.
Anyway, sorry to distract from your post op, I hope you found my comment useful in some way and I agree with everyone else, you’ve had his best years. And you will rise again
Hi all, thank you for your kind messages. I know, I know, I need to focus on myself and enjoy my life and forget about them.
It is just so damn hard!!
Also, I still call him my husband as that is what he is until we are divorced. If that makes new girlfriend feel uncomfortable, that is not really my problem to deal with.