DH and I just hit each other

[namechanged4u]

DH and I were having a chat about an hour ago while I was folding blankets on the sofa before we went up to bed. DH came up behind me and smacked me on what I'm assuming he meant to be the bum, but he missed and got me in a bit of an odd spot above and to the side. He hit me hard. It really hurt, and it made a massive cracking sound. I didn't see him do it and I was shocked and I saw red. I spun around and smacked him back in the face. DH then started shouting at me, told me never to hit him again, that if I did he would punch me in the face. I was also saying to him not to hit me again, that he had really hurt me. He mimed punching me in the face, I'm not sure if he was trying to scare me or he was going to really do it and caught himself.

DH does this all the time, he'll smack me on the bum and say he was just messing around. But it hurts me. We're pretty even height and weight wise (I weigh about a stone more than him, and we're both 5ft10") but he's ridiculously strong. I've tried telling him to stop doing it, explaining that he doesn't know his own strength and it actually hurts me. Sometimes it leaves red prints behind he does it so hard. Also today, when he hit me it kind of made me jump/try to move out of the way and I twisted my knee as I was stood on the rug, and that's killing me now (I've been having some prior issues with it).

I feel absolutely awful now though, I hate that I hit him back like that. I was just so, so angry and I flipped out. I hate that I hit him. I really want to go upstairs and apologise and beg him to forgive me, but then part of me also thinks that he should be the one to apologise to me, because he hit me first. But I doubt he'd ever do that. I did go upstairs and ask if he wanted to talk about it about 20 minutes ago, but he said no.

I wouldn't mind the occasional flirty bum smacking type of thing but I think what upsets me the most is I've told him he hurts me, and he just seemed to put all his force into it.

I don't want to break up with him, we've been together for 15 years and I love him and he's a good husband. He has been really tired and stressed with work lately and he was in a bad mood today, so I think that he just won't have meant to do it as hard as he did?

I'm devastated and don't know what to do.

[CatPunsFreakMeowt]

You should only have to tell him to stop because it hurts you once.

[CatPunsFreakMeowt]

so I think that he just won't have meant to do it as hard as he did?

He shouldn’t be doing it at all. You’ve asked him to stop repeatedly and told him it hurts. It’s horrible that he carries on despite that.

[Celebelly]

It's irrelevant if he's tired or stressed or insert excuse here. You've asked him not to do something that causes you pain and he continues to do it and continues to hurt you on purpose. That is abusive. He is not a good husband if he is smacking you so hard he leaves red marks after being asked not to.

[Prisonbreak]

Why are you making excuses for him towards the end of your text? But earlier you said he does this all the time? I couldn’t be with someone who I thought would hurt me. More so if I hurt him back then that’s just a volatile situation that’s likely to explode in the future. Personally I’d get out

[MeltedEggMum]

He's hurting you on purpose, op. That's not what a good husband does.

[namechanged4u]

@Prisonbreak I'm not trying to make excuses for him, I just wanted to try and give everyone the full picture.

[Darkcloudsandsunnydays]

Get out. He is violent. It won’t get any better. In the meantime he is not to lay a finger on you and if he does you are going to the police.

[Dragongirl10]

I second what the other poster has said, telling him once is enough, if he does it twice he is deliberately hurting you...it is abuse.

Put aside your guilt at hitting back as this is just clouding the issue assuming you have not done this before.

This is NOT the flirty light bum smack during a flirty or sexual moment, you were folding washing!

He then threatened to punch you, this is very serious op please don't brush it under the carpet.

At the very least when you are both calm, sit down with him and ask him to really listen as you have something very important to say.

'lt really hurts when you hit me on the bum, l don't like it and will never tolerate it again' lf you do it again l will leave you.

Be calm and clear, don't listen to excuses or explanations, don't elaborate. If he has heard you in those calm circumstances and still does it he is deliberately hurting you and l am afraid you do need to leave him.....so sorry op.

[MitziK]

If that's how he reacted when you instinctively defended yourself from being hurt, I'd say leave now.

He should have been beside himself with apologies for missing but I bet it wasn't a miss, it was deliberate and hurting you.


Your height and weight is irrelevant. He hit you hard (again), he hurt you (again) and he threatened you with further deliberate violence when you totally understandably reacted to being hurt again.

[namechanged4u]

Thank you for all the kind replies. I'm in tears reading them.

It's just so upsetting to think about it all. I wish it hadn't happened. the thought of splitting up is just making me feel sick, we've been together since we were 15 and 17, but I think it's all so awful.

I wasn't really shocked at how he reacted afterwards if I'm honest. He can never really take any criticism or someone standing up to him. I feel like he's going to punish me in the morning by not speaking to me, or telling me he wants to tell me to leave, or starting the argument back up again. I just want to disappear.

[Peachesandcream14]

You've asked him to stop because he is hurting you and he has continued. It's intentional. Would you treat someone you love like that? No, because it is nasty and spiteful. He doesn't sound very nice

[Drogosnextwife]

He just threatened to punch you in the face, he is not a good husband.

[Drogosnextwife]

Oh sorry after he assaulted you, and you assaulted him back he threatened to punch you in the face, not a good husband.

[Dragongirl10]

Op l am so so sorry you are going through this....but if someone shows you who they really are believe them, don't wast time trying to 'fix' or 'change' or make excuses for, just because you have known him a long time.

Violence is never acceptable.

[Drogosnextwife]

Does he usually punish you after an argument?

[Artioo2]

When I first met my DP he used to smack me on the bum sometimes in a kind of flirty way. It didn't hurt, but I hated it, really hated it. It felt like an invasion of my space. After a couple of times, I told him I hated it and he hasn't done it since, that was 10 years ago. He wasn't moody about it, he just stopped. I just wanted to post that as a direct comparison of how someone should react when you ask them not to do something to your body, no matter how minor it might seem to them. It's not minor when it's you it's being done to.

[namechanged4u]

@Drogosnextwife yes, normally I hate arguing and will avoid it at all costs but if we do and I am perceived as being the one in the wrong for whatever reason, he will sulk the next day, not talk to me properly, make snidey comments, etc.

Things have been a bit tense all year I feel like, little things have been annoying me a lot. We had a big argument earlier in the year because he started, whenever I was doing something he didn't like, saying it was my " 'mothers maiden name' side coming out". I got really upset about that, and eventually said to him "well, I'd rather be 'mothers maiden name' than 'mother in laws maiden name' and he got really upset and it took about a month for things to get back to normal. I told him to stop saying it, but he stills says it every now again. He said it yesterday actually.

I feel like I've only just remembered that now, funny how our minds can block these things out sometimes.

[carla1983]

It is bad enough that he's smacking you on the bum when you've asked him to stop. It's worse that he threatened to punch you in the face if you hit him again. This sounds quite abusive. Why is he not listening to you?

[carla1983]

I'd be very upset in your place.

[Drogosnextwife]

OP your husband is abusive towards you and I bet things are annoying you more now because you are just beginning to realise. You were very young when you met so this has been the norm for you but you need to see it for what it actually is.

[TransFannyUltrasound]

Christ, what a dickhead.

My first ever LTB!

[tenlittlecygnets]

God. So he regularly hits you, pretending it’s a lark, and this time when he hit you, you were folding washing and your reaction was to hit him (well done) and he gets all whiney? Ffs.

He’s abusive. Most men would be horrified they’d hurt their wives. Not your h!!

[BlackPrism]

A whack back when he's accidentally really hurt you is just a reaction. Both wrong but apologise and move on.

Him frequent hurting you isn't ok - bum smacks are only ok because they're playful not because it's on the bum. If it hurts he's being an ass

[GabsAlot]

If you'd said this was a one off maybe id forgive but hes done it before and then threatened to punch you-thats not right

No offence youve been with him your whole adult life its not acceptable or normal -hes not a good husband

[Shodan]

My XH used to smack me on the bum, frequently (many times a day) It didn't hurt, but it did piss me off- it made me feel like an animal being herded along, or something.

When I brought it up, and told him to stop doing it, he got all offended, because 'we were married' and 'other women liked it'.

The point is, that he, like your H, seems to think that your body is his to abuse whenever he likes. He doesn't view hitting you on the bottom as anywhere near the same as him being hit in the face. Your feelings are less than his. Your body is not your own to control.

It really points to a deep dislike of women and their right to bodily autonomy.