Leaving tomorrow, need a hand hold please

[AboutToJumpShip]

Been in a psychologically abusive relationship over twenty years. Finally, with the help of my local crisis centre, social services and a very few good friends, I have found a flat. Husband is away overnight tomorrow, so my chance is here, but I’m panicking.

What are the most important things to take? I know I’m not going to be able to take everything that’s mine, but I want to get the vital things out.

And then what? I need to start to change addresses on everything. Need insurance on the flat (rented but I’ll need contents insurance.

I have to go out to work shortly, but my mind is all over the place. Any help would be massively appreciated.

[AboutToJumpShip]

One son, mid teens. Forgot to say that. He’s being bullied too. That’s the main reason I have to get out.

[TenDenierTights]

Documents - passport, birth certificates etc all your banking and financial stuff and anything of high sentimental value, like stuff from beloved relatives, photos. Things that would be irreplaceable if someone were to destroy them.

That's my first thought anyway

[user1498854363]

Goodness OP, well done for getting out. Is there anyway to squirrel anything to work? Photos, birth Cerys passports, bank statements pension info etc?
Take what can’t be replaced and anything that makes it home (bedding, pictures, schoolwork) take anything that is at risk of being destroyed. Furniture can be replaced!

Is flat furnished? Take kettle, cups plates cutlery if you need it. Food for dinner and breakfast.

If you need to, a bag of clothes each and a debit card is enough!

Change your phone sim if you want to be not contacted.

Will you be able to return for items?

Good luck 💐

[Landlubber2019]

Good luck, can you get a medical certificate for 2 weeks whilst under this extreme stress, give yourself the breathing space to work out what you need to do to get organised, sort out benefits and keep yourself safe x

[AboutToJumpShip]

The flat is furnished, thank goodness. Sorry, I’m just panicking. Everything is so normal on one level. I don’t even know if the secrecy is necessary as he’s never been violent, but I just wanted to control the situation myself and get away.

[AboutToJumpShip]

Can’t afford time off work. New job and I really have to hold onto it. I’m lucky to have a job as my health has been poor the past two years.Anyway, I have to go, but thanks so much for the quick responses. Back later.

[MrsMozartMkII]

Passports
Driving licence
Any recent utility bills in your name
Clothes
Books (there's one I take everywhere)
Laptop / tablet
Quilts / blankets / pillows
Jewellery
TV (if it's manageable)
Extension lead/s
Toiletries
Radio
Iron
Ironing board
Hairdryer / straightener
Small tool kit (screwdriver, allan keys, hammer)
Any kitchen tools you regularly use / love
Pictures
Soft furnishings that you really want
Address book

Some of the above will depend on if there are any bad memories attached to things, how much money you have, and what's likely to tip your STBX over the edge anger-wise. Things like a kettle and consumables I'd rather get the cheapest from a local supermarket.

Take copies of any of his documents, such as pay slips, tax returns, etc. Use your phone camera if no scanner to hand.

Sending you a handhold lass.

[lightlypoached]

Firstly you are awesome and doing the right thing for you and your boy.

Echo above re sentimental items and crucial paperwork - birth certificates and passports!!! 2x utility bills with your name /address on for ID purposes. Any paperwork re benefit claims or medical stuff.

Don't forget clothes, underwear and your toiletries makeup, moisturisers and toothbrush too. And some decent towels.

For your boy make sure he has any electronics, chargers and headphones. Schoolbooks and his sentimental stuff (like childhood teddy even if he says he's not interested take it !!) too as well as clothes and undies.

If you can manage it take some basic household items then do so that you don't need to spend too much getting new and have the basics for your first few days /weeks.
2 each of
Glasses
Mugs
Plates
Bowls
Sharp knife
Cutlery

Can you afford to buy new bedding /pillows / quilt covers ? If not take those too.

Those big blue ikea bags are great for bundling that stuff into if you haven them. Otherwise use suitcases add boxes from the supermarket.

Today is the first day if the rest of your life. Keep the courage. The first step is the hardest but together you and your boy can do this. I'm in awe and wish you both a happy future.

X

[Rainbowqueeen]

You are a strong and brave woman

The list above is good

I don’t know how much room you have but maybe take a few things so you can make a quick and easy dinner the first night and for breakfast the next day. Then you don’t need to worry about going to the supermarket.
If you have lots of space and time id take half the food in the house

Wishing you well

[Ozziewoz]

Well done.
Can I just say all the advice is great. But also, you are setting an incredibly good example to your son. Teaching him abuse is unacceptable. Making this move is protecting him as a child but also supporting him in becoming a balanced lovely young man. It's actually the best gift you can give your son.
Paperwork, and also the keys for all the doors for access to house. He could change the front door lock but may not think you have a back door key.
If you had more time, I'd have cut extra keys, then left my old keys behind, giving the impression you had no access.
But at the end of the day, it's surprising what you can do with so little. Best of luck. I actually feel excited for you. X

[Giraffeinabox]

Goodness me. Good luck op! Like others have said, sentimental things that cant be replaced and clothes, underware etc. I get the impression you dont want people at work to know so work clothes, make up etc so day to day living can carry on

[AboutToJumpShip]

Thank you all so much for the lists and encouragement. Had a wobble this morning, but I got some things done today and I’m feeling much better.

Sorted through the paperwork - have birth certificates and vaccination records and so on. I was panicking when I read the contract on the flat as it said I had to get contents insurance and I was worried whether I could get it in time. So I made myself call during my break at work and in that phone call it was set up and is active.

Lucky enough to get the keys to the flat. I only work part time, so I’ve actually managed to take some things over this afternoon. I realised something bizarre. Over the years, H has gradually bought more and more things, especially clothes. He has taken over almost all the space in our bedroom and his things are now overflowing into the spare bedroom. I moved some of my clothes and I now have two sides of a big wardrobe to myself and four good sized drawers and it felt wonderful to have so much space and not be hemmed in.

Similar in the kitchen. He has loads of gadgets and I can’t wait to live somewhere uncluttered.

Extension leads! Thank you. That really is a great list. I have all tomorrow evening to move. Signing the contract in the afternoon, then tomorrow will be the first night in the new flat.

Not sure how I’ll break it to H on Friday, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Thanks again. I really do appreciate the help.

[Whatthefoxgoingon]

Do not underestimate how he will react once you tell him, even if there is no history of violence. Could you have someone there with you, or tell him on the phone?

The very best of luck to you!

[KatherineJaneway]

Good luck today

I'd leave him a note, too dangerous to tell him face to face

[eddielizzard]

Good luck today!

I agree with not telling him face to face. You could leave him a letter.

[crystalize]

Its natural to have a wobble and imagine your heart rate will be through the roof tonight when gathering your stuff! But also that feeling will be excitement - for new beginnings for you and your son. To have just your belongings how you want them.. the peace!

Do not tell him face to face. Just a short and simple text. You don't owe him any explanation.

Good luck to you both x

[category12]

Enjoy your new home.

If you have any joint accounts, you'll need to get yourself removed from them. If they're in credit, that should be fairly straightforward, but otherwise you need to get them cleared first. Consider putting a freeze on them if you can't get taken off, as you'll end up jointly liable for any debt he may incur deliberately. Freezing them will make direct debits and pay in (such as wages) bounce (or at least did with my bank) and can only be undone with joint agreement, so you'd want to transfer anything yours to an account of your own and inform him of what you've done quickly so he can do the same.

[MrsMozartMkII]

Thinking of you today.

Agree with not telling him face to face. There's a reason you're doing it this way, so go with letter (keep a copy) or text.

[DarkestBeforeTheDawn4]

Thinking of you, good luck today.

[Ozziewoz]

Thinking of you so much today. I'm actually feeling really envious. My husband doesn't actually live with me but spends all his time here. It's driving me insane. Suffocating to say the least. 6 weeks left till the next blood tests come back for my son and then boom. I shall be able to breathe again. Fortunately for me nothing is joint, all in my name, and he has virtually no stuff here.
Best of luck xxx

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well done OP.
Good luck today.
If you are married you will need your marriage certificate to divorce.
But you have everything else covered.
here's to your new home and your freedom away from abuse.
Stay strong.

[AboutToJumpShip]

No joint accounts, thank goodness. He has always paid for our mobiles though. Not sure how I get those into my name. Got myself added to the pet insurance, so hopefully he can’t cancel that without them telling me.

I’m so tired. I was at the physio this morning. She’s wonderful. I told her how tired I was and she could see it. She gave me a massage instead of exercise.

I have my marriage certificate now too. I just have to get through the rest of today, then hopefully I can rest at the weekend.

Have to remember to redirect the post.

Thanks again lovely mumsnetters. You are brilliant.

[Peridot1]

Good luck and well done.

[Igmum]

Well done op and good luck 💐💐💐

[Bishalisha]

As above you are doing incredibly

I would also look to consider changing my surname my deed poll and changing documents so it’s more difficult for him to find you.

I would inform work and the school in case he tries to contact you at work and the school can provide support