Both my sons girlfriends don’t get along and it’s causing terrible atmosphere

[Jo359]

I have 2 lovely grown up sons who both have girlfriends. I love both girls to even though are very different personalities. One is very chatty outgoing and the other very quite and shy. They have been dating about 3 years now but the past year and a half I feel like I’m walking on eggshells in my own house. For some reason the girls just don’t get along and the atmosphere when we are all together is terrible! I feel like I’m just stuck in the middle. Family meals and Christmas have got so bad my youngest and his quite girlfriend tend to make excuse after excuse to avoid being together. It hurts me so much as I feel my son is missing out. I treat all of them exactly the same way but the awardness when all 4 of them are together is just getting worse. I have tried talking to try find out about the rift between the 2 girls but I think they are just complete opposite and just don’t like each other. I’ve tried explaining to my sons they don’t have to be best of friends as you can’t help who you like or dislike but I just want everyone to be civil. I don’t want it to get to point where I can only have them round on separate occasions. My 2 sons get along so well but when all together you can cut the atmosphere with a knife.

It was so bad last week my eldest son spoke to them saying we can’t carry on like this as it not fair on mum and he gave them both opportunity to speak to say if there is a problem or if any one has upset each other please say but the pair of them just kept quite . I then got confronted a day later from my youngest saying it’s made things 100 times worse. I explained that I can’t be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home and how we try to get them involved and invite them for dinner ect but they never want to get involved so I’m just left at a loss of dispare. I haven’t stopped crying and feel like the family is falling apart. My son appologized and said he will try and make more of an effort and get more involved but now I’m worried they only be doing it as feel obliged to and I will still worry if they feel awkward being here together as the 4 of them.

Sorry I’m waffling on now I know but just feel so unhappy I just want a happy family around me and not the atmosphere and awkwardness I’ve had past year.

[HollowTalk]

Do your sons get along if they're on their own?

[Jo359]

Yes really well go on holiday together and socialise together it only when they together as 4 where the girls don’t click.

[Thisisthelaststraw]

They need to grow tf up!

It’s extremely unfair on you to have to put up with that in your own home. Tell your sons to have word or do so yourself if you feel able. Surprise them at the next dinner and tell them exactly what you’ve said here - they don’t have to become best friends but they do haven’t to respect your home and feelings.

I’m surprised your grown sons haven’t put an end to it already.

So immature. I’m raging on your behalf.

[HeddaGarbled]

I think you’ll have to accept that the big family occasions you want aren’t going to work for these individuals. You can see the couples separately and the brothers can get together without their girlfriends. Then if they are not being forced to socialise on a regular basis, hopefully for important occasions like weddings and christenings, they can be civil.

I much prefer to see my family in smaller groupings. En-masse they all talk over the top of each other and some borderline nasty banter seems to take over; individually, they show off less and we can have a proper conversation.

Big family gatherings aren’t always happy family occasions for everyone - sometimes they can be an ordeal.

[Jo359]

They have tried speaking to them and said how awkward it’s making things but then both girls are so different personalities and it all seems tit for tat. Both boys love them so much but I hate to say it but it getting to point where I wish they would all just break up to save all this grief.

[VoteForPedrosLlama]

Just host them separately. I hate Bil, so never go there when he's about.

[snitzelvoncrumb]

Could you try to see them separately? I was going to suggest you stepping in and laying down the law, but you don't want ruin the relationships you have with the girls, especially if they end up together. I would just limit how often you all catch up as a group, and sometimes just ask both your boys to visit without the partners.

[Iamtheworst]

I think this is more common than you think. My best friends husband has 2 brothers and their wives would never choose to socialise if it weren’t for family.
From your point of view there’s loads in common but for the gfs there’s probably very little. I know my best friend hates seeing 2 sil particularly because she’s an earth mama and my bf is a city executive - they have no common ground to talk about. They are polite for a lunch but any longer and someone’s feelings get hurt.

[HollowTalk]

Is there one girl who's causing more problems?

[BackforGood]

It does sound like they need to grow up. If - as t seems - these are going to be long term relationships, then they both need to make the effort to get on / be pleasant when they are together as it is obviously going to happen hundreds of times over the next few decades. Doesn't mean they have to be mates, or see each other outside of whole family occasions, but the are being very silly, and quite selfish to not be polite and make the effort when you are all together.

[Jo359]

Yes totally hear what you are all saying my sons are 23 and 21 so are still living at home. I was thinking of stepping in and saying something to the girls but then I don’t want to be the bad Apple and interfering mother in law that upsets the girls who will then prob moan at the boys. Real shame and never thought I would have had this problem. Life could be so much easier and fun if they could at least be civil. But I do believe it’s beyond repair now.

[Jo359]

Hollow talk - I beleive the quieter one is being more stubborn and maybe feels a bit out of it so to speak where the other one is so friendly and outgoing. The outgoing one has cried to me saying she doesn’t know what she has done wrong and feels so hated by her. Then I’ve had the quite one crying but without either of them saying what the other has done I’m at a total loss and in the middle.

[unique1986]

What do they argue about?

[unique1986]

Maybe lock them in a room together,?

[Buggerbuggerbuggerargh]

Are you sure the quiet one actually hates her. Maybe she's just quiet. I'm massively introverted and people frequently think I'm aloof, rude etc. I'm not, I just don't speak unless I've got something to say.

[Butterflycookie]

Maybe lock them in a room together,?

I don’t think that’s a bad idea. It would force them to speak to each other. Don’t let them out till they’ve sorted it

[Jo359]

They don’t argue just don’t talk! It’s so awkward and uncomfortable to be around.

[Buggerbuggerbuggerargh]

Yeah so maybe the quiet one genuinely just doesn't have anything to say!!

[Buggerbuggerbuggerargh]

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill here to be honest.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

You are expecting others to conform to a sort of template that you require for your happiness. Others, even family, can not make you happy. Your happiness needs to come from within yourself.

[Bouledeneige]

Growing up and manners come to mind. Make it clear, unless the gfs are going to try and make nice they are no longer invited to your house - only the sons. Because you cannot tolerate bad feeling and nastiness. they have a choice - to be grown ups or not be on he invite list. It really shouldnt be that hard - the boys love each other and their Mum. the girlfriends need to respect that or not be there to mess it up.

[Skittlesandbeer]

I think this is bound to happen when adults are all trying to live together. 23 & 21 is moving out of home time. They will learn a lot about having to House-share, and communicate/negotiate around personality clashes. Currently, they’re doing this badly and making your home life unnecessarily uncomfortable.

At the very least talk to them all together and simple share with them that the recent atmosphere is leading you to think that it’s high time living arrangements changed, to suit their changing needs as adults. That it seems that the natural time for moving on/moving out is drawing close.

The weeping and wringing of hands you are doing is not a very strong motivator for everyone to get along better. Doing the maths of what it costs to move out is a far stronger one!

Note that I’m not talking about threats or ultimatums. I’m suggesting you all think seriously about moving to the next, very natural & positive, life stage.

Whether your boys stay with these girls, form new relationships or stay single you have to face the dynamic will be changing. You can feel nostalgic for the time when they were all yours and did heaps of family things with you, but that wasn’t going to go on at that rate forever. Don’t conflate the 2 things. Your empty nest pangs aren’t the fault of the girlfriends, and need to be dealt with seperately.

[MissedTheBoatAgain]

Let me guess. The quiet one is less attractive than the other girl?

[Jo359]

I totally appreciate the quite one is shy and there nothing wrong with being shy but when 4 of them together in room I can see the awkward conversations my sons are trying to have and the quite one can’t wait to get up and leave the room. It like when the outgoing one here the quite one will stay in other room like they want to avoid each other. I don’t expect them to be best friends but I shouldn’t have to feel like this in my own home. I suppose I will have to wait and see how things improve now my son said they will try harder to get involved. I feel like I’m having to take sides when all I do is treat them all equal and make feel welcome.