Angry husband

[Angerissues]

Gaah, not sure if I am over reacting here, but DH seems (to me) to have anger problems. Not massively so, but I just wish he could deal with some things better.

This morning, he had to be up for work at 6.45am, and I was due my first lie-in of the week (only till about 8.30am). Well, the dog had done a poo. He went beserk. Slamming doors, swearing at the top of his voice, so much so, that I actually got up to see what was going on. So, no lie-in for me.

I found him downstairs, with a tissue in his hand to pick up the poo, and he was shouting that he wouldn't have time for a shower now, so I went to take the tissue from him, but he wouldn't let me. I made him tea and toast, whilst he showered and then he basically stomped around for 30 minutes, ranting and swearing at me. He also scared the dog so much, that she has emptied her anal glands somewhere. It stinks!

I have recently asked him to please stop swearing at me. His language is awful, he must say Fuck 50 times a day. It's just part of his normal vocabulary.

His job is very demanding and I know he gets frustrated with it, however, I make his life so much easier than it could be, because I work from home and do literally everything that needs doing (housework, cooking, washing etc)

We had a conversation, just a few days ago, where I asked him to stop talking to me like crap, and to stop swearing. He was very apologetic and for a few days all was lovely, but I feel like this morning has put us back again.

Last week, he was ranting about something in the car, and I went to exit the car, and he grabbed my collar to stop me leaving. I found this quite invasive, he has apologised, but actually it was half arsed, he has made it clear that he sees nothing wrong with that (am I being over sensitive?)

Obviously, he is lovely a lot of the time too, or I wouldn't stay in the relationship.

I just find things like this morning so unnecessary! He could have picked up the poo and gone to work, without all the fuss

[showmeshoyu]

Physically restraining you... up until that part I was willing to say he was just a grumpy arse, but that's pretty serious. His minimizing it after the fact is also pretty worrying.

[Greatbigdramallama]

Definitely not over reacting!

That kind of anger is difficult to be around. Ranting and raging about the dog poo, however, is a massive over reaction!

[Cambionome]

Christ. He sounds bloody awful.

[lifebegins50]

Has he always been like this? There are effective anger techniques, such as CBT, but the person needs to want to use them.

Is he similarly behaved in the workplace?

[Angerissues]

I've just received a text:

"I'm so sorry for being angry this morning. You are not the cause of it. Unfortunately a horrible nights sleep, chronic back pain, the dog broke through the stair gate and then pissed on my feet and then poo wasn't the morning I wished for"

Sigh. Not sure what to say to that. Feel like saying "Being woken up by you screaming and slamming doors at 7am and then swearing and shouting at me for 30 minutes wasn't the morning I wished for either".

Gaah. I haven't replied.

[Angerissues]

No, he wouldn't be like this in the workplace. This is what I say to him, that it's only me he rants at. He wouldn't do it at work, he wouldn't speak like this to his sister or Dad. Oh...and the Road Rage is intolerable. Every journey we take, he calls all other motorists dicks, or pricks. He sees "errors" in their driving that I honestly can't see.

[showmeshoyu]

I'd take the crux of your message and take out the confrontational parts of it in an attempt to get your point across. "I'm sorry you had an awful night, but I found you getting so angry at the situation really upsetting, it can't be good for your own mental wellbeing to get this angry, do you think you need to talk to somebody about it?".

I mean that's what I'd say if it wasn't for the physically restraining you but, I can't really get past that.

[Floralhousecoat]

Op you are minimizing aggression he displayed when he restrained you by the collar. This is serious. You really need to address this incident and demand he get help for his anger otherwise you will consider leaving him. The anger/stomping around is a form of control as it keeps you on your toes and walking on egg shells.

He is showing real signs of becoming physically violent.

[Cambionome]

I would send him that reply op. Seriously - you shouldn't have to put up with this.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

The only acceptable level of abuse OP in a relationship is NONE.

You are in all likelihood in the nice/nasty cycle that is abuse and that is a continuous one. He has overreacted here and in a matter of days and again you have borne the brunt of it. Abusive people are not nasty all the time either, they would not be with anyone otherwise.

Such men also do not change. Look at his parents OP; what are they like?

What is he like with and to people in the outside world; probably all sweetness and light I would imagine. He does not have an anger management problem but is angry at you when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours. AM courses as well are no answer to domestic violence.

[ShutUpLegs]

As someone who has a temper (and I have had big outbursts around the kids and DH in the past), I find your description worrying - both in terms of the triggers and how he then manifests his anger.

I know I get the red mist and I work really hard to contain it. I have worked really hard to learn how to dissipate the rage before it takes hold but also how to take myself off or shut myself away or go out for a run until it passes.

DH & the kids & I can also take openly about anger, how I feel and how they feel - and its been instrumental in moving me on.

Going for you and making physical contact is a worrying sign - that breaks a significant protective barrier. If he isn't actively acknowledging his anger when things are calm and isn't hearing how you feel and not demonstrating an ability to work on himself, then I'd be worried.

My anger was worst a decade ago when the kids were tiny and the PMT was fierce and I was knackered but none of that excused me. No-one should make any of their family feel unsafe because of anger.

Was your childhood environment angry? (Mine was). Is it a model that you are familiar with? I realised that my tolerance for anger was way higher than DH's (not an angry childhood home) and I was shocked how far I had to recalibrate my concept of normal family life.

Bottom line, though, is your DH understanding the impact of his behaviour and taking responsibility for it.

[Cambionome]

I agree with this incredibly angry behaviour being a form of control.

[Angerissues]

We've been together over 10 years, so I think if he was going to be violent that would have happened already. If he did ever hit me, it would be the end, and he knows this. He is huge.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He sounds like the Loser particularly when it comes to road rage issues. There are a lot of red flags here re your H.

Read this excerpt:-

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

[showmeshoyu]

Just restraining you is an act of physical intimidation and abuse though and it's fairly common for abuse to gradually escalate over a decade plus. People as a couple/family can sometimes generate their own insular reality that changes behaviours over time that they wouldn't exhibit outside the relationship, like a shared delusion in a way.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He has already grabbed you recently by the collar so I would call this physical. Sadly I would think you have become inurred and further conditioned to his anger which is also linked into power and control, he wants absolute here.

You have children; what do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. After all sounds travels as well and they heard him ranting too.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He is verbally violent towards you OP and that is hugely damaging, not just to you, but to your children as well who can and do pick up on all the vibes here.

[Angerissues]

I've replied along the lines of what I said above. Yes, I grew up in a very angry home. I actually said this to him the other day : that I've had enough anger to last me a lifetime.

[Cambionome]

Has he always been like this as regards his angry behaviour?

[Angerissues]

We don't have children together. I have 2 from a previous relationship, but they are away at Uni.

[frenchchick9]

Oh, op, I sympathise. He sounds awful. So is angry. You do everything around the house to appease him, and you are the only one he acts like this with. He doesn’t love you. He uses you like a punch bag.

I’d ask him to move out, get counselling, and then you will reconsider things. Sounds intolerable to live with. Your poor dog.

Do you have dc? I hope not.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Your response ultimately will cut no ice with him although he will probably apologise. Then the nice/nasty cycle will restart.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. Are they still together?. You growing up in an angry home yourself played a large part in you now being with your angry husband.

Unfortunately no-one saw fit to protect you from your parents verbal violence. You can do something here and that is ultimately to totally remove yourself and your children from this situation.

[Angerissues]

Has he always been this way? I can't even think back to the early years. I don't think so. His Mum died 5 years ago, and he was intolerable for a whole year. Then he got better. I'm feeling quite numb this morning. We have a holiday of a lifetime coming up in 3 weeks. When he's away from work, he is lovely. His mood dips considerably the day before he goes back to work.

[AfterSchoolWorry]

This is bad OP. Grabbing your collar, what'll be do next? The dog sound petrified of him too.

What are you going to do?