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DH, no sex and being horrible

(180 Posts)
WhatToDoNowPlease Thu 06-Dec-18 22:20:00

I've been debating posting for a while, I have AS so I'm not sure what is usual in a relationship.

Background first as it's relevant, a bit long though so I'm sorry. I will try and condense it.

I met DH at 15, started dating at 16 and we married when I was 29. Since getting married we now have two little boys, aged 2 and 6 months.

Before DS2 was conceived, we were working on our relationship as around 2006 DH's sex drive plummeted and it has been a huge issue. We would talk about it and he always had a reason (tired from driving to uni to see me on weekend, stressed with first job, money worries, etc).

Whenever we talk it ends with him promising to work on things but nothing ever changes. We have been to counselling which I found humiliating (when asked what I found attractive about him I answered. When he was asked he just sat in silence and stared ahead until she dropped the subject) and pointless. Most sex felt like duty sex and not fun at all. We did try out seeing another couple around that time, wasn't for me and DH was put off by having to look at another man, however he was fine with the female half of the couple. She would occasionally come over and he was all for doing stuff when she was there which I found incredibly hurtful. Anyway, we stopped that and are still friends with the couple.

DH broached the idea of getting married, he said that things would be fixed by the time we got married. They were not, he said we would work on things during the honeymoon, Nope. Then said by Christmas. Nope. During this time decided to start trying for DS1 in the January, I guess mistakenly thinking lots of sex would fix things. However we had sex twice and I had a positive pregnancy test less than 2 weeks later. Barely had sex during pregnancy until about 8 months when it was extremely difficult as we had no experience of adapting around the bump so we gave up.

After DS1 was born we slept together 6 weeks pp and then not for a long time. When DS1 was 10 months old I decided enough was enough and threw all of my effort into fixing things. We had a mishap, I took the morning after pill within 24 hours but DS2 was already conceived. DH furious that I was pregnant (I was not happy either, I was still on maternity leave and I was scared) and told me I should terminate the pregnancy. I did not do that as I already felt protective over baby.

I had hyperemesis, no sympathy even when I was hospitalised. He had to be convinced to call 111 and to take me to an appointment as I was too weak. He ignored my vomiting and would keep a conversation going with me while I was throwing up and get cross when I asked him to repeat himself as I couldn't hear him. He was ill towards the end of the pregnancy and tried to stay in bed after throwing up once and was angry when I said no as I was heavily pregnant and needed help with the newly walking toddler and still vomiting multiple times a day.

During pregnancy I found he had been chatting to a friend who was a prostitute and checking on her via FB messenger after her clients had left. He had apparently been friends with her for 5 years and just decided to hide the friendship from me. I was very upset, especially when I saw the conversations where she told him to leave me and that I should have aborted DS2.

During pregnancy DH was increasingly horrible to me. No sex since DS2 was conceived at all. Apparently I don't lose my sex drive even after having babies so it isn't that I've refused. During labour I was woken in the night by mild contractions and asked him to put the TENS on my back and he was cross, told me I wasn't in labour and to shut up as he was tired. Eventually he was convinced into helping me. During the labour I was distracting myself (homebirth, DS1 at nursery) and was browsing on the computer during contractions. He told me to fucking shut up during a contraction which was upsetting. I took myself off into the bathroom and stayed in there until DS2 was about to be born and called him in as I hadn't called the midwife back. He didn't believe me and tried to get me to stand up and go to the pool, swore when I didn't move out of the way quickly enough to let him in and repeatedly told me I was not giving birth until he could see DS2's head. He delivered DS2, called maternity unit and they said to call ambulance to be on the safe side. He did and the ambulance man asked him questions, he didn't know the answer as he had just wandered off and left me and DS2 on the bathroom floor. We were fine.

Since DS2 he has been increasingly horrible. He's called me fat, a bitch, lazy, stupid, selfish, refused to have much to do with DS2 but kept taking DS1 out away from me and wouldn't hold DS2 so I could spend time with DS1.

He went out to lunch with a new friend of mine and didn't tell me. When I had evidence he just denied it, then got angry with me for 'snooping'. Her car has been outside the soft play place he went with DS1 so he knows this would have badly upset me. He also took her to A&E to help her for an entire day, when he has never done that for me without complaining about the inconvenience to him. He was surprised that I didn't fancy him taking DS1 out to a theme park with her for a day without me.

Given the background above, would you think that the sex situation could ever be salvaged or have all the other issues completely eclipsed that issue and mean there's no coming back from this? I just think that if the sex situation was resolved then other issues would become minor.

Yes, I know I shouldn't have married him, I did because I loved him and wanted to be with him and believed him.

SpiritedLondon Thu 06-Dec-18 22:28:10

Holy crap - why would you even want to have sex with this person - it’s the least of your worries. I want you to print off your post and take a highlighter pen and highlight every cruel word or action that you have described and see how much remains untouched. He sounds bloody awful and I can’t imagine why you would want to stay with him - I can only imagine that his abuse and behaviour has eroded your confidence so much you’ve lost your perspective.

category12 Thu 06-Dec-18 22:29:04

God no, solving the sex part won't fix this. And it's been going on for 16 years - this is how it is, he's not interested in sex with you, that's not going to magically change and everything be resolved.

He's utterly horrible to you. He's favouring one child over the other, which will be emotionally damaging for them in the future. And - he's utterly horrible to you. You need to end the relationship, I don't see what's to salvage here.

Dirtybadger Thu 06-Dec-18 22:30:56

This is going to sound very insensitive I think but it doesn't sound like he likes you.

And you presumably do, but you shouldn't like him! He has treated you and your DS2 awfully sad

I do not think it is remotely salvageable.

How old are you now? 2006 was 13 years ago!!

category12 Thu 06-Dec-18 22:31:20

Sorry, my maths is terrible - going on for 12 years like this

Alittlepotofrosie Thu 06-Dec-18 22:33:04

Why would you want to have sex with him? He's a miserable little twat who is ruining your life. He's had plenty of chances to fix this. He doesn't want to. This is who he is.

LastOneDancing Thu 06-Dec-18 22:33:27

This is not usual.

He sounds awful OP flowers

RosieCockle Thu 06-Dec-18 22:34:29

No, the sex situation won't ever be salvaged. You're not talking a few months, but years and years!! And even if it was, he's horrible to you!! Why the heck would you put up with all that shite?

sprouts21 Thu 06-Dec-18 22:38:21

None of this is normal. The way he treated you while you were in labour was awful.

Kristingle Thu 06-Dec-18 22:40:30

What spiritedlondon said.

WhatToDoNowPlease Thu 06-Dec-18 22:45:04

I want it to work for several reasons. I don't want to be like my mum who has been divorced three times, I don't want to see my DC only part of the time, leaving will screw me over financially for life and he has literally only been so nasty to me since I found out DS2 was on the way. Before that sex was a massive problem but everything else was good.

And I was wondering about fixing the sex issue as when we do, he is really happy and chirpy and we don't argue at all.

I am hearing what you're saying about it being years and years. I have said this in discussions before and he always says it will be different this time. It won't ever be different will it? That makes me sad that he won't put the effort into fixing things, but is extremely resistant to breaking up.

To PP asking, I'm 33, he is 36.

CoconutQueen Thu 06-Dec-18 22:46:06

Please please end this relationship OP. You will be so so much happier, and so will your sons.

WhatToDoNowPlease Thu 06-Dec-18 22:46:22

I guess I'm hoping someone will say that their DH was like this after an unplanned pregnancy but they're really happy now.

letsdolunch321 Thu 06-Dec-18 22:46:25

Oh my days, get rid of the selfish idiot twat

As another poster suggested get a highlighter pen and highlight all the horrible things he has said/done to you.

Sounds like he has knocked your confidence too the arsehole

Floralhousecoat Thu 06-Dec-18 22:46:25

You need to leave him op. There is absolutely nothing here to actually save. Nothing.

The way he has treated you during your labour is the most shocking thing I have ever ever read. And I say that as someone who's ended a 12 year relationship which was abusive and violent. His behaviour during this especially vulnerable time when you were birthing a baby is disgusting beyond words. It makes me murderous with rage to think of him pushing and yelling at a labouring woman!! How dare he? Men are overcome with instinctive protectiveness around this time for their partners and Newborns. He behaved worse than a savage.

You have been so utterly ground down by his behaviour you can't actually see how abusive he is.

I am speechless at his behaviour. Towards his pregnant and labouring partner!! I'm so sorry he has treated so badly. And is continuing to treat you and ds2. You need to protect your baby from this vile scum of a human being.

Sending you hugs and strength xx

Safeandwarm Thu 06-Dec-18 22:48:16

Oh you poor thing flowers this man is despicable. You were very young when you got together. So it must be difficult as he is all you’ve ever known, but please leave for your own sanity.

I know it’s hard when you have young kids, but think about day to day life without him, would it be harder or easier?

How would he react if you told him you wanted to leave? Would you feel safe doing that?

WhatToDoNowPlease Thu 06-Dec-18 22:53:56

I have previously told him I want to leave, he will cry and promise to make things work. It might get better for a day or so but then go back to this.

He won't hurt me and won't make me worried for my safety, he isn't an idiot.

cfmagnet Thu 06-Dec-18 23:00:28

You obviously love him and married him in the hope that things would get better. You are not the first person to do this and you won't be the last - hope can make you do things that seem crazy from the outside. If everything else in your relationship was fine and sex was the only issue then perhaps the relationship could be salvaged. But sex, or lack of it, is not the issue here. The issue is that he is a deeply unpleasant man who is treating you with disdain. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Your children do not deserve to see their mother treated this way. Your youngest child does not deserve his father treating him as an inconvenience.
He is not going to suddenly change. Things are not going to get better. He is not the man you want him to be and he never will be. Please don't waste any more of your life with this

SchnitzelVonKrumm Thu 06-Dec-18 23:01:02

He is awful, just awful. You and your children deserve better.

Safeandwarm Thu 06-Dec-18 23:04:56


WhatToDoNowPlease Thu 06-Dec-18 23:05:59

He wasn't like this until I was pregnant with DS2 though, it's been just over a year of this unpleasantness as DS2 was conceived at the beginning of last September. He says it's not DS2 but it must be.

I just want him to go back to normal, I agree he is being absolutely vile to me right now.

PickAChew Thu 06-Dec-18 23:07:08

This is not a healthy relationship and is not good for you.

Leaving a dud doesn't men you will end up like your mum. It just means that you don't put up with second best and definitely aren't willing to be treated like the shit on a man's shoe, which is where you are, now, unfortunately.

(and maybe your mum didn't want to put up with second best, either, but didn't choose as well as she hoped)

Knittink Thu 06-Dec-18 23:12:02

This isn't just about the sex though. He is consistently horrible and unsupportive to you and may well be being unfaithful too. Your boys will nor benefit fron growing up in such an environment and seeing their mother treated this way. Plus he's already proving to be a bad father to dc2.

Nanny0gg Thu 06-Dec-18 23:17:21

Just look at how he was treating you when you were giving birth! You wouldn't treat a stranger that way, let alone the partner you're supposed to love.

Please leave. And the odds of him wanting to have his sons some of the time looks slim.

No-one should live like this

TinselAngel Thu 06-Dec-18 23:23:52

This is one of the worst things I've read on here OP. You poor thing. thanks

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