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Getting back together with ex husband - experiences?

(31 Posts)
PleaseDontSquishMe Sun 07-Oct-18 09:41:31

I am wondering whether anyone has experience with this? Good or bad. I am finding it hard to talk to anyone in real life as they are very quick to dismiss it and put me into a victim role, which I know is not true.

Background: For the last 6 months I have been back in contact with ex husband. Divorced just over a year, no children. We both had a short relationship since then and I’m dating causally but my heart’s not in it, both single at the moment. I’m 36.

We were married for 4 years, together for 13. We hit a stage where we started to not cope anymore with everything life threw at us, and it was a lot. We got pulled into all sorts of directions and lost us in all this. Horrendous arguments, selfish decisions on both sides, and in the end he left as he didn’t feel he could continue the way we were and we couldn’t sort it with everything that was going on. I was devastated but to be honest it wasn’t sustainable but I always hoped we could pull through.

We both admitted that we still have feelings, we both have had counselling for us, and we are at the stage where we either have to cut contact completely or see whether there is a way. We both know it wouldn’t be a ‘getting back together’ but starting new again. We both know that it would be hard work and might not have a happy end.

I don’t know what to do and am all over the place. I do love him but I’m not sure whether this is enough.

Thank you.

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NotUmbongoUnchained Sun 07-Oct-18 09:46:19

My husband and I got back together after a break of a few years but we didn’t split up because we wanted to, or because there was any wrong doing.
I’m not sure I could get back together with someone in your situation no.

croprotationinthe13thcentury Sun 07-Oct-18 09:47:17

Why are friends etc dismissing and putting you in victim role?

PleaseDontSquishMe Sun 07-Oct-18 09:57:45

Thank you for your responses. They just see that he was the one who left and experienced how devastated I was. I didn’t want the divorce. I tried to explain how I wasn’t a passive entity in all this but they dismiss it.

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PleaseDontSquishMe Sun 07-Oct-18 14:02:36

Anyone? Maybe it is a stupid idea.

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NotTheFordType Sun 07-Oct-18 14:07:40

^I tried to explain how I wasn't a passive entity in this but they dismiss it"

Sounds like you need new friends

Ellamorgan Sun 07-Oct-18 14:11:37

I have been in your situation and I suppose I am there again. I was with my husband for 6 years the first time we separated, we had 6 months apart but decided to give it another go. We lasted 8 years, he ended the relationship in July this year and moved out a week ago, he is now saying he loves and misses me again and wants us to talk, I am not sure that anything can actually change.

I would suggest couples counselling before you make a decision and I am doing the same, I think unless you can sit in a room and be open with each other no change will ever happen.

Good luck in what ever you decide

Aprilislonggone Sun 07-Oct-18 14:15:05

We weren't married but had a house /dc together. He was a bully, aggressive and destructive. I moved out and took dc. He managed over 6 months, to convince me he has changed. We got back together and got married less than ten weeks later.
Regretted it within a week.
Bought another house but split before our first anniversary.

Singlenotsingle Sun 07-Oct-18 14:38:28

Try it bit by bit, day by day, see how it goes so long as he wasn't abusive or controlling. Don't do anything silly like buying a house together. Nothing irrevocable. And hopefully the old problems you had before won't crop up again.

explodingkitten Sun 07-Oct-18 14:43:50

One of my cousins did. They always had a relationship with issues about pulling weight etc. They broke up, got back together, had four children and are still together ten years later. They are both unhappy in their relationship. They would be happier alone. They talk about divorce every time I see them. It's so sad to see people that I love (both of them) be unhappy and realise that they could find happiness and love in their lives if they would just go separate ways.

PaleRider1 Sun 07-Oct-18 15:06:28

I've been in the same boat, together 16 years, married 6 of those. We split (his choice), had about 4 months apart, house was up for sale etc. just about got myself together and he decided to persuade me to give it another go. He left after 5 days, never saw him again.

I don't think anyone can advise yes or no. If you do decide to try again, stick to just dating, taking it very slowly, do not move in together, do not buy a house together, do not pick up where you left off. You need to view the relationship and each other as new territory, a new relationship. Do the dating, no sleeping over, no sleeping together until you are 100% sure. Maybe some joint counselling.

LondonCrone Sun 07-Oct-18 16:01:23

A very close friend at work split up with his wife because they couldn’t cope with the pressure of living in different countries — he was working in London, she was in their home country and the strain was too much. They divorced but, a year later, got back together and have been very, very happy since — but notably, haven’t remarried. Take your time, feel it out, but ultimately none of these stories matter. Your situation is unique. Do what feels right, makes you happy and makes your life better. Good luck!

PleaseDontSquishMe Sun 07-Oct-18 17:32:10

Thank you everyone. It’s interesting to hear peoples’ experiences and thoughts; I know of course that no one can answer my question.

There was no abuse or control. Well it depends on the definition of absuse: we were both guilty of not considering the other person’s needs, which we are fully aware of. Slow would definitely be the way to go, living separately of course and therapy too to see whether it could work. No one is trying to persuade the other to try again. We just utterly surprised ourselves that this has come up, and we are both trying to clear our heads at the moment.

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HollowTalk Sun 07-Oct-18 17:34:35

Actually I think that if there was no abuse, no infidelity and there are no children, it could work out a second time, if both of you want it enough. I wouldn't recommend it with children because it would raise their hopes and they'd be upset if it didn't work out, but if it's just the two of you, why not give it a go?

CottonTailRabbit Sun 07-Oct-18 17:38:08

What if life gets difficult again? Is there any reason to believe you would both behave differently?

Onlyfamandclosefknow Sun 07-Oct-18 19:12:42

My DH and I are separating in the hope we will get back together one day once I have recovered from PTSD and he has got on top of his MH problems that caused my PTSD.

I do hope it works out if it's what you want and if changes have been made to make it a healthy and happy relationship this time then you stand a chance.

There was a support thread for people who remarried their first husband on here a while ago and the stats show a number of people do it. Reddit is full of it!

PleaseDontSquishMe Sun 07-Oct-18 20:44:21

Cotton this is the question. I myself can say that I have learnt from my mistakes and know what I have lost, so hopefully yes I would act differently.

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PleaseDontSquishMe Sun 07-Oct-18 20:45:33

Thank you, will try to find thread for a read.

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Justanotherfool Sun 07-Oct-18 20:46:08

I divorced and am now back together with DP. We are stronger than ever. We were the same as you in that we both had seperate relationships whilst separated but naturally gravitated towards each other again. We were apprehensive about getting involved with each other again and it not working out, but having the mindset that were together because we "want" to be and not just because we're married makes me feel more secure funnily enough. We have plans to remarry but not for a long time yet. I hope it works out for you flowers

Smozzles Sun 07-Oct-18 20:47:43

I can't say what's right for you but I can tell you that I got back with my ex, then we got married and it has not gone well. I really regret getting back together now. I did it for the wrong reasons, I think...the only reason to get back is that you love him deeply and can't imagine being with anyone else. Otherwise, accept the divorce and move on. x

mehimthem Sun 07-Oct-18 21:21:14

My DH & I split about 20 yrs ago when our youngest was about 6 or 7yrs old. Long story short, our kids chose to stay with their Dad & I moved out; eventually quite a distance away from both our families, for university studies. I ended up with a tertiary degree, but while away & doing the kid swap stuff we started to talk again. Lots of stuff led to our separation, almost divorce with both of us at fault - so when he suggested a reconciliation I was very hesitant, partly because I didnt want to lose my new confidence in looking after myself again. I didnt move back in straight away, finished my studies etc, & talked lots (& lots) We have now been back together about 18 yrs & although there have been a few occasions I wondered about where I might be if we had never reconciled, I am very happy I made the choice to return. Good luck with your decision

PleaseDontSquishMe Mon 08-Oct-18 09:08:04

Thank you again. Lots to think about, and what you all been saying is ringing true with what has been going round my head.

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AnotherDayAnotherDollarRight Mon 08-Oct-18 09:16:54

I got back together with exh. Not convinced I'd do the same if I lived my life again. People don't really change. The issues that caused the split in the first place are likely to resurface.

TowerOfJoy Mon 08-Oct-18 09:41:18

Pp who've mentioned "dating" your exH, how does that work exactly?
DH and I are currently working on getting back together and I'm struggling with us having separate lives for the last 8 months. Is it a bad idea to try and get straight back in to married life?

PleaseDontSquishMe Mon 08-Oct-18 10:44:02

I think it depends on the stage of separation of what the context is. I am divorced, have been for a bit and had a year or so of no contact. There is no way for me to 'go back' into the relationship as that relationship didn't work. It's about discovering whether a 'new' relationship would be possible. So, going on dates (e.g. living separately, but spending time with each other, doing things) would be the way to find out whether there is something to build on.

You are still married by the sounds of it, but separated? Even then though, just going back into married life has the danger for old habits to just continue and to fall back into old roles. At least that's what I think.

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