Trying to conceive, told him i was Ovulating, he Choose to go to his mothers

[Chrystal1]

Been Married 16 years. He never initially wanted children as he always wanted to be successful first.

We eventually had IVF last year, which failed. And now we decided to try naturally again. Im 41 now, was testing for ovulation times etc.
His dad died 7 weeks ago. He's been staying the odd night at his mothers. However, this is not a first. Even when his dad was alive he would always put them 1st before us.

This particular day, whilst his dad was alive, in hospital, his mother had called him in the morning. That evening he said he was going to go stay at his mothers. I was ovulating, I didnt want to say anything as you are supposed to do the dance/deed naturally.

But now, that he was leaving, i had no choice but to say "i am ovulating" "I am ovulating". As had i not said anything he would have said, how was i supposed to have known otherwise.

He looked confused, cant even rembr what he said, and left for his mothers.
Since this time, i feel totally rejected by him. I feel that us, we, his family, mean nothing to him, i also think does he really want a family? Yes his words are "I want a family"..... yet i believe Actions speak louder than words.
Am i being selfish, unreasonable?

[Aquamarine1029]

You're not being unreasonable but your husband is also going through a very difficult time. With the loss of his dad and the worry he has for his now widowed mother, perhaps he just doesn't have the wherewithal to think about trying to conceive. It is also possible that he's rethinking things and is unsure of he wants to start a family at this stage in his life.

Whatever the case, you two really need to have some big conversations.

[category12]

I think it would have been quite strange in that situation to have stayed and had sex.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

If I'm understanding you correctly, this incident took place while his Dad was still alive and in hospital? If so then yes, I think you are unreasonable.

His Dad was ill/dying and you're upset he didn't put you first?

[PatriciaHolm]

Honestly? You expected him to actually be able to perform at that point, with his father dying in hospital and his mother in need of support?

As Aqua says, I think you really need to talk honestly about what he actually wants now. Also, this was 7 weeks ago - how has he been since?

[ravenmum]

His dad was dying in the hospital, of course he didn't feel like having sex shortly before visiting him.

[YerAuntFanny]

I think OP said there was another incident when his father was I'm hospital, he claimed ignorance because she didn't tell him she was ovulating hence why she let him know this time.

OP I can imagine this is hard for you but he lost his parent 7 weeks ago and his Mum is probably struggling, I don't think I'd much be up for a quickie either and I wouldn't think much of DH attempting to pressure me into it.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

You say you’ve felt rejected since this incident but how have things actually been? Have you spoken about how you feel and what’s he had to say?

Have you had sex since? Have you agreed you’re going to tell him when you’re ovulating or does he feel it’s too much pressure?

You don’t have to dtd exactly when you’re ovulating, as I’m sure you know, it’s good to keep at it in the days beforehand and the day after so it’s not a do it straight away or lose the chance deal.

You sound really sad and there’s lots going on in your post. Please talk to him rather than bottling it up and hurting inside.

[Nesssie]

Wow. His father was in hospital? And you thought he should stay and have sex? I'm not surprised he ''looked confused''

Even if there hadn't been any other reason, if he didn't want to stay and have sex, that's his choice.

His parents are just as much his family as you.
You are being very unreasonable.

[HarmlessChap]

YABU nobody should be expected to have sex they don't want to be having and TTC is not exempted from that most basic of rules.

[Chrystal1]

His dad had been in and out of hospital for the past 2 to 3 years.
At the time of when this incident took place his dad was not dieing, he was sitting up in bed and talking as i too would go visit him.
He deteriorated in a bad way after 2 weeks of this incident and passed away over a period of 4 days. I would never have said the above to him during such a time proceeding the passing of his dad.

I would have understood if he had to go stay with his mum who was frail and ill too, but there is nothing wrong with his mum

The day before his mum had seen me, at the hospital we had a discussion, she got jealous, (long story, always happens) hence she called her son the next morning, giving him an earful, hence he went that night. Not taking into consideration how important it was for the both of us.

[HarmlessChap]

there is nothing wrong with his mum other than having lost her husband less than 2 months ago

[Chrystal1]

this incident did not take place after his father had died, and yes on previous occasions he has said that he did not know of times me ovulating

[Nissemand]

So IVF failed, and your pressuring your partner at a time when he has far more important things on his mind.

You probably have very little chance of getting pregnant naturally, and you seem to be throwing your relationship down the pan.

[Chrystal1]

Hence even though she isnt a fan of me, i still go 2 3 times a week, take her food, and make sure she has in the house what she needs

[foxotterhare]

With your extra information, I do not think you were being unreasonable.

[Chrystal1]

His dad had been in and out of hospital for the past 2 to 3 years.
At the time of when this incident took place his dad was not dieing, he was sitting up in bed and talking as i too would go visit him.
He deteriorated in a bad way after 2 weeks of this incident and passed away over a period of 4 days. I would never have said the above to him during such a time proceeding the passing of his dad.

I would have understood if he had to go stay with his mum who was frail and ill too, but there is nothing wrong with his mum

The day before his mum had seen me, at the hospital we had a discussion, she got jealous, (long story, always happens) hence she called her son the next morning, giving him an earful, hence he went that night. Not taking into consideration how important it was for the both of us.

[ravenmum]

When you're elderly and in hospital, it's not a good sign, is it - especially if you've been in and out of hospital for a couple of years. His wife was probably worried and feeling quite alone. She must have got (and still get) a lot of comfort from her son visiting.

Your husband, in turn, needs your support for a while. He's probably thinking about his own mortality - how long he might live, how much time he would have with a child, how the child would feel losing his dad at an early age, all the kind of things you think about before having a child, but now ramped up and full of emotion.

Have you talked to him about that?

[Chrystal1]

His dad had been in and out of hospital for the past 2 to 3 years.
At the time of when this incident took place his dad was not dieing, he was sitting up in bed and talking as i too would go visit him.
He deteriorated in a bad way after 2 weeks of this incident and passed away over a period of 4 days. I would never have said the above to him during such a time proceeding the passing of his dad.

I would have understood if he had to go stay with his mum who was frail and ill too, but there is nothing wrong with his mum

The day before his mum had seen me, at the hospital we had a discussion, she got jealous, (long story, always happens) hence she called her son the next morning, giving him an earful, hence he went that night. Not taking into consideration how important it was for the both of us

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Is that meant to be helpful Nissemand?

OP is clearly distressed so sticking the boot in about her “chance” seems unnecessarily unkind.

[Nesssie]

I would have understood if he had to go stay with his mum who was frail and ill too, but there is nothing wrong with his mum so because his mum was in good health he should have stayed and had sex with you, even if he didn't feel like it?

Bottom line is, you told him you were ovulating and he didn't want to have sex at that time. Both reasonable actions.

Your reaction afterwards is not reasonable. And now to blame it on his mum?

It is not ok to except someone to have sex with you just because you want it.

[Nesssie]

expect

[iamablockhead]

You've been married 16 years already!!!?!?!
And when did you start trying to conceive?

[Aquamarine1029]

All things considered, it doesn't seem like having a baby at this stage in your relationship is advisable. You and your husband are not communicating and both of you are dealing with a lot of stress. Throwing a pregnancy/baby into the mix could be disastrous.

Do you think it's possible that perhaps your husband has changed his mind about having children and he's made himself distant in order to avoid the whole situation? Not meaning to generalize, but many men do have form for this.

[Chrystal1]

Yes i have, however he feels, the way his dad died was a good, way, all of a sudden, ie within a period of 4 days. In fact i am very surprised how he is so not too bothered about the whole passing of his father.
He says "it wasnt like he was young and he died, he died having lived a full life". He is more upset about the fact his father did not have a will, and wasnt more responsible with his affairs during his life.

[ravenmum]

Thinking that on balance, someone had a "good death" doesn't mean that you're not bothered about them dying - he's being stoical, pragmatic, but it doesn't mean he's only mildly affected.

I agree with Aquamarine: you each don't seem to know where the other is coming from. You're desperate for a baby asap, but unfortunately this really is an extremely poor moment.