boyfriends sister is getting married

[tiar]

Hey guys bit of a long winded one but I'm really hoping for some advice as I'm stuck on what to do.
I have been with my boyfriend 6 years he is polish and I am English so once a year we go to Poland to see his family and once a year they will come and stay with us . They have always been so lovely to me but every time they come over they speak in polish which is fine but when I'm in the room I feel they should speak English as their English is very good and my polish is awful. I have tried to learn but its a very difficult language to grasp. so when I'm there and they speaking polish i feel very excluded from the conversations . The last time his sister and her fiancé came over the three of them sat speaking in polish while I was in the room so I couldn't join in with them my boyfriend knows this upsets me as I have told him many times before. so while his sister went up stairs I told him I was going to my sisters house as I felt uncomfortable. while I was gone of course they had asked where I was I thought he would have just made up an excuse but he didn't. i was really embarrassed as I didn't mean to cause any conflict. when I came back they had all had dinner and were watching tv and they all ignored me so I just went up to bed this continued for the rest of their holiday. on the night before they were due to go home my boyfriend and I got into an argument and he blamed the whole thing on me and said I should just put up with it as its only a few days a year. and his sister came out crying and told me I shouldn't be with her brother as I make him unhappy this got a bit heated between the two of us but I apologised even though I don't believe I should have. I still 7 months later feel very bitter about the argument.
So my dilemma is she getting married next month I have been invited to the wedding but I haven't spoke to them since this fight and feel embarrassed awkward and bitter. His mum keeps asking my boyfriend what I'm wearing so they are expecting me to go but I have been telling him for months I'm not going to the wedding. my boyfriend is telling me I should go as it would be embarrassing for him if I didn't and I so get that and I wouldn't want him to have to go alone and be embarrsed as I haven't gone with him but I just feel really awkward as I haven't seen them since this argument and I'm not sure who she told . please guys what would you do. I don't feel confident enough to go but at the same time I don't want them to hate me if I don't go.

[TooTrueToBeGood]

This is your chance to rebuild some bridges. Or you can bite your nose off to spite your face and burn them forever. Your choice.

[Chocolatecoffeeaddict]

No wonder you don't want to go. I wouldn't either. They are rude.

[TemptressofWaikiki]

I would not go. She was rude and very unreasonable. And she should have apologised for being such a rude guest. I would not have any of them back in my house if they don't make the effort to include you while you are there. My family and I are multi-lingual. My DH is not. We all speak English around him. It is basic mark of respect.

[scottishdiem]

I think there needs to be some middle ground somewhere. My DP is from Zimbabwe and when family and friends from Zimbabwe they speak their language a lot. It is, I think, because so much can be lost in translation where there is no direct word for word meaning. I would never get in the way of them truely communicating with each other. I have been to gatherings when its just me and the UK born children speaking English for a lot of the time. As I say, this doesnt bother me.

However, when there are topics that I can get involved in or my opinion sought then they all change to English for that part of the conversation. But when they go back to Shona it doesnt bother or upset me.

Do you have concerns about what they are saying or talking about you. For a few days a year this seems to upset you in a very disproportionate manner.

I would go but ask that your boyfriend to see where you have been put in a table plan to ensure that you have people to talk to and that your boyfriend keeps you up to speed with things and communicates with you in English.

You are going to have to cross this bridge with the family if you want to continue with your relationship. Being invited to the wedding means they hold no ill will. Perhaps you should do the same?

[Saucery]

I’d keep up with learning a bit of Polish, go to the wedding and be pleasant. The alternative is to cut off his family completely, which probably won’t go down well with him or them.
They were a bit rude to keep speaking Polish in front of you, but it’s only as big a deal as you want to make it and I really wouldn’t risk your relationship with your bf by storming out the house/kicking up a Fuss/ refusing family invitations because of it.

[Aussiebean]

I get why you are upset, but, if you are planning to spend the rest of your life with this guy, the family comes too.

You are going to have to work it out somehow. By not going you are just going to create more tension that will be harder to come back from.

Since the holiday, have you tried to talk to the sister and explain it. I would imagine you boyfriend didn’t do a good job at explaining your feelings.

Coming from you, calmly without yelling but in the spirit of compromise, you might have more impact.

[tillytown]

Your boyfriend seems to be the problem, not the sister. He should have translated for you, asked them to include you, but instead when I came back they had all had dinner and were watching tv and they all ignored me so I just went up to bed this continued for the rest of their holiday. he joined in ignoring you. He caused this.
Why hasn't he listened to you when you have said you don't want to go? Why hasn't he tried to fix things?

[tiar]

its not about me thinking they are talking about me as I don't think they would. Its just that while all of us are sitting in the front room and they are talking I feel a bit out of place as I cant join in and I feel its a bit rude.
I am not worried about being sat in any particular place at the wedding as its her day not mine and I would just have to get on with it. I went to his cousins wedding a couple of years ago and wasn't worried about were I sat and they all made an effort to speak English to me which was vey nice. kits just that I haven't seen or spoken to them since this argument.

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

I think it’s a bit unfair for them to all speak in their second language to each other just because one person doesn’t speak their language very well. Maybe they don’t realised how limited your Polish is and presumed you’d keep up?

I agree that your BF could have translated or stepped in and said “maybe we could speak English so that tiar can join in” but I don’t think I was worth this massive falling out.

The wedding is your chance to put it behind you, they obviously don’t hold a grudge and neither should you if you want to be part of their family. Let it go, have a nice time and show them that you are with your DP for good so they’ll need to be nice to you.

[Ilovefishcakes201]

A Polish person living in Poland will never be able to speak English as good as a Polish person who lives in England.

Put yourself in their shoes, they don’t see their brother very often, i’d also hate to spend the short amount of time I see my brother speaking in a foreign language I hardly speak at home.

He could have made up an excuse for you or you could have just made up an excuse yourself instead of just walking away.
But either way it really is nothing when you compare it to not attendning the wedding.

[magoria]

What tilly says.

You have a BF problem.

He didn't pull up anyone on ignoring you for the rest of their stay. Did he ignore you to? In your own home?

Unless you sort him out you are never going to be happy together.

[tiar]

hey they deffo no I cant speak polish very well as in I can say a few phrases hi bye can I have an apple lol that's about my limitation unfortunately. I'm not sure why he didn't ask to speak in English for me to understand I think he was really out of order when I go to Poland and they speak polish I don't say anything but in my own home I feel like they should speak English. He has never had an argument with his family before and so for me and his sister to have an argument he blames me for it they are very close and i think thats why i feel so embarrassed i don't want them to think bad of me I would love to go to the wedding I just feel awkward now what if she really doesn't like me now and I'm stuck their for the week. or worse what if she told her mum and dad and they hate me too but they are just inviting me or my bf sake

[Jamboree05]

You absolutely 100% have a BF problem.

My bf and his family are first language Welsh and, except when they're drinking, make a massive effort for me.

My bf makes an effort to speak English in front of me and to ask anyone who doesn't to do so. He does occasionally forget but, upon being reminded, he will never tell me to 'just put up with it.'

The sister saw you arguining with her brother and jumped to his defence. As any sister would. Your issue really should be with him and not her...

A long overdue chat about your future if this continues is due...

[tiar]

yeah he ignored me to i got a hi and that's about it. i guess it was my fault too tho as i could have made more of an effort? after i left to go to my sisters i didn't think he would tell them i had left because of them so when he told me that's what he had told them i felt so awkward to come home i stayed out as late as i could and came home at bed time not to feel embarrassed i just wish he had said oh i have run to my sisters to see our nieces quick then i would have not come home embarrassed

[kittymamma]

I think you can't not go. Go, smile for the day and pretend everything is wonderful, or it will destroy your relationship with your partner and his family permanently. I would be making it clear that this is your plan to your bf and that everything is not ok.

My inlaws do not speak English but they make an effort to talk to me despite me not speaking their language, but my husband would not stand for me being made to feel left out. On the one occasion they overstepped the mark and I was left offended, I was furious and insisted there were ground rules to certain family members visiting (my husband had to be present all the time) and these rules are followed, the alternative was that I would leave them at the house alone.

[Wheelemin77]

It's difficult and your boyfriend should have handled it better. But it is family and that always makes it harder. Go to the wedding if you think this relationship is for you and the long term, if not don't.

[DextroDependant]

I can see why you were upset but I do think you are turning it into a bigger deal than it needs to be and I think you risk ruining hour relationship over this.

I also think you need to make more effort to learn your partner's first language instead of expecting everyone to adapt to you.

[winsomebutlosemost]

Eek, there's a lot of things here I'd find rude.

I find it rude that they were talking almost completely in Polish and no one thought of including you in your own house.

I find it rude that your boyfriend isn't that considerate to you in any of these situations, because subtle signals and attempts from him to translate or include you might resolve this.

I find it rude that you didn't wait until the house guests had left before having an argument with your boyfriend about it.

I find it rude that she butted in on an argument between you and your boyfriend when she was a guest in your home.

All that said, I think you should try and go to the wedding anyway. If anyone was guilty of being more rude, it was her. She might be defending her brother but totally inappropriate to get involved in a domestic when you're a guest in someone's home. I'd never do that, no matter what was being said.

All that said, you have to allow for cultural difference though, because us Brits are massively over polite and have all these rules about house guests and manners that I don't think apply anywhere else in the world quite as much. Some countries believe in being so much more open which might be the case here. For us, we are almost pathologically polite!

You don't have to feel like people will think badly of you though, it's a pretty small thing and she is likely embarrassed about it too but you both love her boyfriend so going just allows you to move onto the next chapter and put a silly argument behind you. It sounds like they are close and it'd be a shame to put a little thing like that between family harmony.

Just make it clear to your BF that if he wants you to feel part of things with his family, he has to massively step up to the mark in making sure you don't feel uncomfortable around them, and excluding you completely is plain inconsiderate. Fine for them to have some chats in Polish, but not to completely ignore you like that.

[soapboxqueen]

I don't think I'd want to go either. It's really rude to exclude people in that way. I agree with pp that your issue is your bf not really the sister. I also agree that long term, not going may create more issues. The question is are you bothered about that or not?

[Somersetlady]

I would go to the wedding.

It’s hard when you are from different cultures.

Get over it and move on if you genuinely want to slend the rst of your life with the guy then having problems with his sister who will always been around will just make life miserable!

[MeadowHay]

Honestly I know quite a lot of multicultural, multilingual families - mine included - and it is normal for people to prefer to speak in their mother tongues at least most of the time. And I think that is just something you have to accept if you choose to have a long-term relationship with someone whose mother tongue is not the same as yours. Lots of people on MN who do not come from multilingual family set-ups will tell you that you weren't being unreasonable, but a quick skim of this thread also shows that people like me who are in multilingual family set-ups will tell you that you are in fact being unreasonable. I understand it can be difficult if you don't understand what people are saying - I have been in this situation loads of times with members of my dad's extended family who speak a language I know little more than a few words of. But that discomfort you are feeling is probably less than their discomfort of attempting to speak all the time in a language which is not their mother tongue. I speak two languages other than English, one better than the other and neither of them comes anywhere close to my English and in neither language do I feel anywhere near natural communicating as I do in English.

Also I can appreciate for an English-speaker that Polish certaintly isn't going to be the easiest language to learn! But if you want this to work and progress long-term you have two choices: either put up with not understanding people talking, and don't learn Polish (which is what my DM chose to do with re: my DF's two languages) - or pour your energy into learning Polish as best you can so you can join in.

And definitely, definitely go to that wedding. Multicultural, multilingual families take work, they have challenges that other relationships will not have. If you're not prepared to deal with them then fine, but this is what you're getting yourself into. If you do not go to that wedding you are creating massive problems for your future relationship with your ILs if not with your DP personally. Go, enjoy yourself, and be a supportive, integrated member of the family.

[Joysmum]

After 6 years you’ve not made much of an effort and expect them to pander to you

You were upset they spoke in Polish, why should he lie about that.

Maybe make an effort actually learn his language! They made an effort to learn yours.

[WeeMadArthur]

If you want to continue your relationship with your bf then you have to go. If you choose not to go then I can’t see how your relationship can last. If you think that your bf is part of the problem then you should explain that before you go and see if anything changes when you are there, then make a decision on whether you have a future together.

[scottishdiem]

Maybe make an effort actually learn his language! They made an effort to learn yours.

Some languages are bastard hard to learn. Especially if one isnt fully committed to the proper use of ones own language....

Anyway, I think that it can also be rude to espect people to only speak in English if that is their second language. The Shona that my DPs friends and family speaks has words and meanings that have no direct translation.

Can you imagine a night of - do you like the colour red, can you pass me an apple, yes I like coffee. How rude is it (standard British thing though) to expect people to come down to that level of conversation because we are so poor at languages?

[MMmomDD]

OP - it’s like you making it some sort of power struggle where you need him to chose you over his family.

If you only speak one language, and especially it’s true with English speakers, it seems - it’s hard to understand that a mother tongue matters. Especially to close family who grew up speaking a language.

So - for him - speaking a foreign language with his sister - it’s just strange and doesn’t feel natural.
It’s not a case - but he speaks English, or she speaks English, so why not.
It’s just not the same communication-wise. Especially if he doesn’t see her often.
I say that as a person with a different mother tongue. So - please believe me.

So - you have a choice to make here. If you want to have a future with him - you’ll have to, sometimes, not be the center of his attention/conversation. Unless you learn a bit more of Polish.
Similarly - if you one day have kids - and he’ll want to speak to them in Polish - you’ll have to be OK with that. Because discussing it then will be too late.