Is it possible....?!

[Mentalmum91]

Without getting into a huge amount of detail I'm just wondering, I am currently pregnant with baby number 3, and have two little ones who are 3 and 5 from previous relationship.

Myself and partner are in a position where likely the only way we will stay together is to live between two houses for probably 5+ years. Ie, live in my house Monday-friday and stay Friday night-sunday in partners house approx 45mins away (probably 1HR 15mins on a Friday night) so essentially for 5+ years carting children along with all their stuff backwards and forwards. Other children stay with ex partner 1 night every weekend (around the corner from my house) so will mean travelling back to do handovers/pickups from his house and my two will be really be living between 3 houses if that makes sense?

Are we crazy or us it doable? Moving either way is not optional so this is a last ditch attempt at staying together. We have thought out every other option and they don't work for one reason or another.

We have our differences as every couple does but as a couple are happy and want to stay together with baby. Is it possible or should we cut out losses now? Thanks in advance xx

[SomeKnobend]

This was a decision to make before you got pregnant. How on earth has this only just occurred to you at this stage?

[Mentalmum91]

It hasn't just occurred obviously. But it would take a week to get into the ins and outs of what has brought us to this stage.

The question is whether or not anyone has had experience with anything similar and does or doesn't think it is possible?

[ThisLittleKitty]

I had a similar thing though not the same. Had kids with my ex but never lived together. He would spend most days here but then go home for a few days. I ended up feeling really resentful. I take it baby wasn't planned?

[Mentalmum91]

As mad as it is (and as much as I wish we had had more sense) baby was planned, although with an entirely different set of circumstances in mind. I don't imagine OH would go home for days, at least that's not the plan, and we have been doing something very similar for about 6 months. (ie. Me and the kids going up to him at the weekend and him staying here through the week) it hasn't been ideal from my perspective but better than the alternative. unsure about doing it with a newborn though and when I go back to full time work afterwards. Can I ask how you managed finances?

[NotTheFordType]

OK. Honestly my first question is how did you plan to offset this amount of environmental overloads?

[DianaT1969]

Because your older 2 DC need to be near their father during the weekend and at school/nursery during the week, I think you need to stay put in your home. Your new man needs to rent out his place and move in with you, or just stay over a few nights and help out.

[BarryTheKestrel]

The question is why, if he stays with you all week, does he need to go home at weekends? Is it work? Is it family? If it's work, why doesn't it affect his weekday living arrangements? If it's family, assuming it's not to visit his children from a previous relationship (you haven't mentioned any) then why can't he just go and visit for a day rather than dragging everyone there for a whole weekend?

I'm really not seeing how the scenario works or came to be for any of you.

[Mentalmum91]

Sorry, I don't understand what you mean by environmental overloads?

Renting out his house isn't an option unfortunately as it is what I would have wanted. This is literally the only scenario left. We have discussed and either one of us or both of us have ruled out everything else we can think of. :(

I think he just wants us to go to his house because he's very close to his family and sees them a lot every weekend. I could be wrong though. He was annoyed when I suggested we even only went up the one day so my children were less unsettled (ie the day they stay at their dad's so we only need to bring baby) so it is important to him. He doesn't have children, no. He does have a nephew though he takes a lot. I think he feels very responsible for him as until recently his sister was a single mum so he has always been very close to him and done a lot for him.

[Uhuhhoney]

So someone who got you pregnant is throwing a tantrum and wanting to go home at the weekends? This is before the child arrives.

Think how often he'll run home when he has sleepless week nights

I think youre better going it alone

[ThisLittleKitty]

IMO it does make more sense to just stay put at yours and him go home weekends but you will be feeling majorly resentful when he does this and your stuck looking after 3 kids 24/7 while he gets a break every weekend. That's how it felt for me, but taking all your kids to his on the weekends just doesn't sound doable. Does he even have enough rooms for you all? Finances for me I was a sahm while ex worked so we shared finances.

[Wellfuckmeinbothears]

I think its a really bad idea, sorry. It isn't fair on your kids to live between 3 houses. He's going to be a dad, he needs to be prepared to move where his partner and step children are rather than expecting two small children and a baby to be uprooted to suit him!

I wouldn't be having a baby with a man who so blatantly didn't care about my children.

[Flimp]

I think it would be annoying, stressful and unsettling for the children to live between three houses. Your DP needs to grow up. He has his own family now and the children's needs should come first.

He can still see his family every weekend if he's based at your house. Unless he doesn't want the commitment?

[BikeRunSki]

In my experience, my DC (6 and 9) do all sorts of stuff near home weekends. Various sports clubs/teams, parties, see friends etc. This seems fairly typical of their peers. Not sure this would work well if they were over an hour away.

[seven201]

Hang on a minute. Your dp doesn't want to move into your home so he can be near his family? And he thinks the solution is to drag yours around at the weekend? He is a selfish twat. I assumed he had a kid there or something so he had an actual reason! It's 45 minutes!!! Most people's daily commute is longer than that! I kind of hate him. He sounds very controlling. Is he?

[GrooovyLass]

You're his family now, or at least you should be. He isn't responsible for his nephew he's responsible for the child that you're having. Your situation is going to get more and more untenable as your DC get older and don't want to be dragged to another house every weekend.

[DontDIY]

Sounds chaotic and not sustainable for 5 years. Your kids need to come first. From what you’ve written, I’d say this relationship won’t/shouldn’t last, regardless.

Your situation sounds very similar to a previous thread on here... That guy was a twat as well.

[sykadelic]

Sorry but I think you know it's just not reasonable.

Ignoring the impracticalities around the baby (sickness, schedules etc) what do you do when your older two have activities, or play-dates, or want to see friends? Is it really fair to your then 8 and 10 y/o that they have THREE homes? That they can't do what they want/need?

How is your boyfriend going to react if you choose to stay home a particular weekend for the good of your other kids (sickness/activity?) or simply because you don't feel like living like you live in hotels/motels.

Why won't he move? This makes literally no sense to me. He's asking you (the person with actual roots/responsibilities) to do what he wants when it's so much simpler for him.

Why the weekend at his? If he is fine with staying at yours for the week, what does he do on the weekends that he needs to be around his house (and how do you fit into that?)

[Mumontherocks1]

It sounds like a dreadful plan. My DC went to their father's house on a Wednesday and Saturday night and that was sometimes stressful for the kids. They had friends in our neighbourhood and as they got older, they wanted to spend time at their friends, go to parties, clubs etc. I was never off the road.

Three homes is just insane.

Child experts recommend the best option is to have the kids in one house and the parents do the moving on access days. This is the 'ideal' situation. Moving between 2 homes can be stressful for kids but 3 homes is inconceivable.

You will be a new mum with an infant, you should stay permanently in your home. Let him visit if he wants to.

[SandyY2K]

Have you posted about this before? Sounds terribly familiar.

[ThePinkOcelot]

Sounds very trashing to me!

[Mentalmum91]

Thanks ladies your opinions are all very helpful. He won't move unfortunately and as you've all pointed out I have too much here to move there. I will discuss with him maybe him just going home at the weekends and see what he says as my eldest actually already has birthday parties a lot at the weekends and as is I have to travel back for those or stay at mine when she goes to them. Her activities at the minute are all during the week but I hadn't thought about as they get older those changing to weekend ones etc and my son starting those kind of things.

You all seem to think I should just end the relationship rather than do it?

[BarryTheKestrel]

I don't think you should end the relationship. However this isn't going to work for you and your kids. It just isn't in the long run. So either he needs to sell his house, move in with you full time and just go and visit his family occasionally like most normal people would, or you need to accept this will be a massive bone of contention in your relationship in the long run.

[mumgointhroughtorture]

Well as long as you could set up his house as home , clothes , baby stuff , nappies , kids stuff etc wouldn't it be like how people spend the weekends at a caravan or kids who go to Dad every weekend .
If you have to load the car and cart everything backwards and forwards every weekend that might get boring very quickly . All you can do is try and see how it goes.

[ThisLittleKitty]

I don't think you need to end it but the set up wouldn't really work and not fair on your older children to have 3 houses, will feel very unsettling for them.

[midsummabreak]

Its great you are travelling back for your oder daughter's birthday parties on weekends. Does your younger daughter come with you, or is she in the care of your partner?