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Doesn't want sex ?

(46 Posts)
raggycarrot Wed 29-Nov-17 22:24:20

My DH and I have been having a rough patch but I was led to believe things were getting better. He’s always been a bit lacking in sex drive but I recently found out that wasn’t true and instead he’s been looking at porn regularly and masturbating. I’ve been hurt as we live a fairly sexless marriage of 3-4 times a year.

Anyway I asked him to give up the porn and masturbation to see if he had more a sex drive or desire for me. He said he did but it’s clear he hasn’t. He’s still doing this several times a week. But It’s been about two months since he touched me.

I’m starting to wonder if he’s having an affair, or if there could be another explanation. He says he isn’t in the mood for sex and that masturbation and sex are not the same thing.

I don’t think I can live like this forever. Is it controlling of me to be asking him to stop the porn/masturbation?

He might peck me on the lips but he doesn’t even kiss me. He holds my hand but that’s about it. He says he has “intimacy” problems but although we never had huge amounts of sex, we did used to at least have some.

I’m fed up of crying about this and I don’t know what to do.

user1497997754 Wed 29-Nov-17 23:22:47

Same here I am afraid.....apart from this problem everything else perfect....not sure what to do

spiritofadventure Thu 30-Nov-17 08:24:33

People always say that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship but I disagree!

It's very high up there for me and I believe if you're not sexually compatible, it will never work.

As you have already tried talking to him about it and he seems unwilling/unable to try and fix the problem, I would be making plans to leave him.

PastoralCare Thu 30-Nov-17 08:36:37

OP did you ask him if he has fetishes and fantasies he'd like to experience but hasn't yet ? Maybe he's to ashamed ?

Not sure this will solve everything but a route to investigate.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 30-Nov-17 09:03:22

I couldn't live like this and I know exactly how you feel.
My ExP was a porn addict and the sex just got less and less.
If you don't have DC then I suggest you look at separating.
If there are DC involved then you could try counselling.
He needs some on his own.
If he is a porn addict it takes a lot of therapy and can take up to 2 years to sort out.
Do some googling on porn addiction.
But you don't have to live like this for the rest of your life.
There are other men out there that don't have to watch porn and wank all the time and that do want to have a good healthy sex life.

raggycarrot Thu 30-Nov-17 09:23:53

It’s not always using porn. He’s told me for the past few weeks he’s “quit” the porn. But he’s still not wanting sex and instead is going downstairs at night to masturbate or going to bed early to but has no interest in sex with me, despite me telling him how much this is hurting me.

He says my “nagging” makes him not want to. Or it’s that it helps him sleep. Or that it’s not the same as sex and he’s not in the mood for sex. There’s always a different reason as to why he doesn’t want sex with me.

I don’t think he has any fetishes I don’t know about. If we ever do have sex it’s very vanilla.

raggycarrot Thu 30-Nov-17 09:25:38

We do have DC and we have been having counselling due to our rough patch but apart from openly saying he just doesn’t want sex due to his intimacy problems it’s not really doing anything to fix this and I actually am not sure if he wants to change it.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 30-Nov-17 09:31:02

Well if he won't try to fix it and is happy with how things are then nothing will change.
You however, are not happy with the situation.
So you can chose to leave or explore other options.
Would he consider you going outside of the marriage for sex?
Suggest that and see what he says.

raggycarrot Thu 30-Nov-17 09:33:37

I did (although mainly to get a reaction) suggest that before to him and he categorically said no that he wouldn’t want that. He then got angry and accusatory asking if I was already speaking to men to line them up or something. I said of course I wasn’t.

I don’t want it either though. I want the emotional and physical connection with the same person... my husband.

sunshinesupermum Thu 30-Nov-17 09:39:32

Is there any chance he might be gay? Sorry to suggest this but I've been there and got the teeshirt :-(

MiniTheMinx Thu 30-Nov-17 09:50:11

I don't think you should use the possibility of sex outside marriage as a bargaining chip to make him obliged to have sex. He might panic and try to keep up the pretense he 'wants' sex with you, but he couldn't maintain that in the long run. It will cause a huge amount of resentment. Besides which who wants sex with someone who's only there through fear and obligation. That will cripple your self-esteem too.

MiniTheMinx Thu 30-Nov-17 09:52:04

How does he describe his intimacy problem?

Josuk Thu 30-Nov-17 09:54:36

I am not sure much can be done there. He needs to want to change. And - by now it all snowballs into a much bigger issue. And by now - he is right - raising that as an issue won’t help. And would make it even worse.

Short of suggesting that you try to include each other in the masturbation - and take slow steps towards rebuilding intimacy - I am out of ideas.
Or, if he is really and truly having some intimacy issues - maybe slow nudging - can help him make small steps towards coming out of it?
Do you, maybe, have a vibrator? Leave it somewhere where he can see - and, maybe, he’ll get curious?

But other than that - you don’t have many choices, I am afraid

ZeroFeedback Thu 30-Nov-17 10:05:19

He says my “nagging” makes him not want to.

^ This. This is a very true thing - for both sexes

Ridiculous how many times a man's sexuality is questioned on MN if/when he does not want sex. Just as acceptable as men calling women who rebuff their advances lesbians!

We see many posts on here from the other perspective with the OP as a female and respondents are very clear that this is unacceptable and often end their posts with LTB and man child who does nothing to fulfil their partner yet demands sex (not that I would condone asking you what you do to fulfil him but you get the point)

Or it’s that it helps him sleep. Or that it’s not the same as sex and he’s not in the mood for sex. There’s always a different reason as to why he doesn’t want sex with me.

My advice would be to try and connect with each other again. Connect as boyfriend/girlfirend. Go out on dates, walks, coffee etc

Get away from the humdrum of life - let him see you as he once did (not a nag) and it will all hopefully lead to a re-connection on an emotional level and, eventually, a sexual one.

BiglyBadgers Thu 30-Nov-17 10:08:00

If he has always had a low sex drive it may simply be that he is just not that into sex. Some people aren't, however if it is soemthing that is important for you than you will need to consider if that means you are just never going to be happy in a relationship with him. You do need to respect his wishes though and try and open an honest, no blaming or pressure, conversation about what he really wants from a relationship with you.

If he does genuinely want to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with you, but is having problems doing that than there are ways of helping him. If he would prefer a relationship that does not include sex, than that's his choice and you have to decide how you want to move forward.

He has a right to not want to have sex with you, you have a right to choose whether that is a relationship you can live with.

Sarahh2014 Thu 30-Nov-17 10:26:18

Could you go to sex counselling possibly?

Mustang27 Thu 30-Nov-17 10:26:27

Sex and masturbation aren't the same he is at least right about that. He cannot possibly think it's ok to continue like this whilst his partner is unhappy with the amount of sex they are not having. He obviously wants to climax regularly so sex should be an option especially if you are willing.

Can you play him at his own game, get some good aids, watch some porn if you find it a turn on, satisfy your own needs see if that peaks his interests. Ask him if he wants to watch you doing it he may not be able to resist. For men often it's really a visual thing and he will in turn get involved. Maybe!

Was he selfish before his sex drive took a turn. Happy for you to pleasure him and ignore your needs?

Sarahh2014 Thu 30-Nov-17 10:27:36

Also could you try instigating it rather than telling him you want it?.he might find it a turn on

raggycarrot Thu 30-Nov-17 10:54:18

I don’t really think I do nag him about it though. I more get upset when he goes to bed to masturbate. Sometimes it’s been every other day.

I’ve tried asking if we can try this together but he says he would find it awkward and it’s private for him so he doesn’t want to try that.

I’m not really sure what his intimacy problem is to be honest. In the past I’ve gone to hug him and he’s slapped my hand away - almost like a reflex.

Of course I don’t want him to have sex with me if he doesn’t want to. He even angrily said fine he will get viagra and have sex with me even though he doesn’t want to, but that hurt even more.

I found out he was watching cam girls online a lot recently and the interactive element of that really upset me especially as he’s masturbating with them but won’t with me. He said he would stop doing this but I don’t know if I trust him anymore.

I’m feeling very hurt and sad and rejected. I also feel like I don’t feel connected to him as his wife anymore. I’m just the person the cleans the house and looks after his DC. Often he goes to bed early due to the masturbation so I don’t see him past 8.30pm or he’s out a lot in the week. So we don’t really have time to connect on any level.

It seems silly to consider leaving a marriage because of this. He wanted sex once. But it’s getting to the point where it’s not about the sex, it’s the rejection and lack of connection and I feel like I’m falling out of love and suspicious of him all the time.

I have tried to ask if he just doesn’t like sex that much and this level is normal for him - he gets all defensive and protests that he does want sex and almost makes out like I’m crazy. If he never had much desire for sex why did he at the beginning of our relationship?

I don’t know if I can continue in a marriage like this. Wouldn’t it seem selfish to break up the family for my children though just because of this? He is a good dad.

ZeroFeedback Thu 30-Nov-17 10:55:49

WTAF!!!

Imagine the scenario - a MNer posts that they do not fancy DP anymore as he nags for sex. However she has enjoyed masturbation as she needed a release. She had some secret toys etc which DP found and she promised not to use anymore but she did despite the controlling bastard. Anyway, one day she came home and DP was sat in the living room wanking, enticing her to join in and saying "if you can do it, so can I ... join in love, this should be turning you on!"

I can't help but laugh at the hilarity of the outrage which would ensue.

In all seriousness, I know people mean well and want to help the OP but I am sceptical about the likely success of some of these solutions in the long term and their affect on the OP's relationship.

Yes, we as men are more visual but, being honest ladies, if you are not attracted to someone the visual cues mean absolutely SFA (other than potentially steeling you up enough to be able to do the deed and get your rocks off in the completely selfish, biological sense)

We know from MN that nagging/pestering for sex can be a real turn off so I would not think being more 'visual' or 'proactive' will solve the OP's problem for the long term.

They may lead to the odd pity shag though and the OP will come back complaining that DH is just going through the motions and not into it. OP's DH will defiantly not be looking to satisfy her needs in that scenario.

If the OP's DH has a lower drive they both have the right to consider whether the relationship is for them or they want to work on this part of it.

They obviously had some kind of sexual relationship before which was, presumably, mutually satisfying. Getting that back is something they will both have to work on.

My view is that these things are a sign of a loss of emotional intimacy in the relationship - it was for me and I had to work to show my DW that I valued her as a lover and partner before her drive returned.

Yes, try to spice things up. Yes, try to instigate; but - unless you want things to go down further - do not play mind games or mastubatory oneupmanship.

raggycarrot Thu 30-Nov-17 10:58:51

Do you think he just doesn’t fancy me anymore then Zero? That’s what I’m worried about I guess.

BiglyBadgers Thu 30-Nov-17 10:59:45

It seems silly to consider leaving a marriage because of this.

No it doesn't. It is perfectly reasonable thing to consider leaving a marriage over. You deserve to have a relationship that you find fulfilling. Whatever his issues you shouldn't be feeling like you are just there to cook and clean for him.

Personally I couldn't live with this.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 30-Nov-17 11:06:57

Well he can hire a maid if he NEEDS someone to do his cooking, cleaning and washing.
You are not that person.
You are his wife and you have needs.
The fact he slaps your hand away when you try to hug him is really really sad.
He wants no intimacy with you at all.
He doesn't find you sexually attractive anymore.
And as sad as that is, it's no way to live.
You deserve, love, intimacy and respect in a relationship.
This one is doing nothing for you at all other than making you feel shit and seriously lowering your self-esteem in the process.

ZeroFeedback Thu 30-Nov-17 11:12:07

Sorry OP, massive x post and please don't interpret my last post as minimising your side of it at all.

I don’t really think I do nag him about it though. I more get upset when he goes to bed to masturbate. Sometimes it’s been every other day.

I have been here. I would have sworn I did not nag my DW for sex or that my upset was not sulking as referred to here on MN.

The truth I had to accept was that it is her perception of what I do which matters. After all, I cannot tell her "I am not nagging, change your mind about what you feel I'm doing"

I’ve tried asking if we can try this together but he says he would find it awkward and it’s private for him so he doesn’t want to try that.

Kind of why I put my last post up - even if in a over inflated way - this does not surprise me.

I’m not really sure what his intimacy problem is to be honest. In the past I’ve gone to hug him and he’s slapped my hand away - almost like a reflex.

He may just be someone who is less physical than others, but it could also be a sign that - tough as it may be - he does not feel as close to you anymore.

Of course I don’t want him to have sex with me if he doesn’t want to. He even angrily said fine he will get viagra and have sex with me even though he doesn’t want to, but that hurt even more.

It hurt me to think my DW would only be going through the motions or giving me pity sex so I am with you on this. That's why I would concentrate on the emotional closeness first. It worked for me (I think) and was surprisingly quick once we got away from who was right and who was wrong about whatever.

I found out he was watching cam girls online a lot recently and the interactive element of that really upset me especially as he’s masturbating with them but won’t with me. He said he would stop doing this but I don’t know if I trust him anymore.

I can't speak at all on this I'm afraid. My porn use has never included web cams.

However, his dependence on this outlet should - imho - disappear if the emotional closeness is there/comes back.

I’m feeling very hurt and sad and rejected. I also feel like I don’t feel connected to him as his wife anymore. I’m just the person the cleans the house and looks after his DC. Often he goes to bed early due to the masturbation so I don’t see him past 8.30pm or he’s out a lot in the week. So we don’t really have time to connect on any level.

Try and make it one night out for tea - even an early bird special - or a quick beer in the local. No talk about home life, drudgery etc.

Just try to chat as you did when you first got together. I asked my DW for 2 hours one night a week for us to do this. We did some weeks, not others.

*It seems silly to consider leaving a marriage because of this. He wanted sex once. But it’s getting to the point where it’s not about the sex, it’s the rejection and lack of connection and I feel like I’m falling out of love and suspicious of him all the time.

I have tried to ask if he just doesn’t like sex that much and this level is normal for him - he gets all defensive and protests that he does want sex and almost makes out like I’m crazy. If he never had much desire for sex why did he at the beginning of our relationship?*

I think it is very easy to forget why you first got together and what you saw in each other when kids etc come along.

Sometimes we both need to be reminded of this but it takes effort from both sides

I don’t know if I can continue in a marriage like this. Wouldn’t it seem selfish to break up the family for my children though just because of this? He is a good dad.

I have felt the same pain and still do sometimes so you get nothing but flowers from me.

You shouldn't have to continue like this if you both really want to be happy together.

He seems to know something is missing and I would hope he would be as keen to get the emotional closeness and fun back. He should be willing to try. (Just don't tell him it's all about the sex though grin)

MiniTheMinx Thu 30-Nov-17 11:15:29

Why does he need Viagra? He's probably still looking at porn, just on his phone instead. That's why he goes to bed early. Masturbation to get you from start to finish quickly without much effort for someone with zero interest in sex is less rather than more likely to use porn. Someone with intimacy issues is more likely to watch porn than seek out the two way interaction of web cams.

Viagra. ...he clearly doesn't need it in order to masturbate to web cam girls, or to masturbate to porn. It is possible for men to masturbate without being firm.

So, you are left with two possibilities. One he suffers with ED (could be emotional or physical in causation) and he feels ashamed and can't face you. Two, he is telling you he will need Viagra to have sex with you because he can't get it up because he doesn't fancy you.

You need to find out what it is.

As for web cams I'd break his fucking balls. No way would I be rejected, lied to about why then replaced with this. He doesn't have an issue with intimacy because he's moved from the relatively third person perspective of voyeur to the dynamics of web cams.

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