Anyone else married to a manchild

[bunzie]

Just that really... need to rant... not sure if my husband went to the doctors he would be diagnosed with some form of mental illness... I do feel he may be depressed due to years of bullying by his father... but besides that he is extremely useless around the house and just in his own life really... he holds a job at a friends company... so he works and brings home wages. but he is not confident person so i know he would find it extremely hard to find a job on his own accord.

He has never been good at finances... so much so that was in major debt which I found out about only after we got married... we spent our first two years wages as a couple paying off his debts... so I took hold of financial reins... he still went and wasted gbp 6000 on a course that he never completed... so that was good money down the drain.

He never helps with house work... I have to speak to him like he is a child and ask him to do something minimum 5 times... even then he forgets to do things.

I look after cooking cleaning shopping household admin... i do everything for 2 dc pick up drop off... I visited 7-8 schools recent weeks... he showed no interest to visit and never even asked about how the school visits went... he has no clue about our life, financial, children medication plus education... i just wonder what would happen if anything were to happen to me.

He has got it so easy and I know women will say let him do stuff... but I feel his brain just can’t process certain things... been married 12 years so i know.. i leave his monthly bill preparation with him... even then I have to check it every single month for the last 12 years and he still makes mistakes.

How can his life be so easy...i can never switch off and often feel frustrated that there is no one to look after me. I think I feel very unhappy as this problem has become so much more difficult after arrival of dc... they are young 2 and 4...so I have a lot on my plate... and him not pulling his weight is really bringing me down.

[SummatFishyEre]

His life is easy because you enable him. How can you possibly have any love or respect for this man? What positive things does he bring to your life?

[Justaboy]

So err, what was it you saw in him in the frirst place then?.

[bunzie]

For one I didn’t know about the debts... found out only after we got married... I do think I lost a lot of respect for him then. end of the day he is a good person... but issue here is how he lives in oblivion. I don’t enable anything... if I left things... it would be detrimental to me and my dc... if he saw things tumbling down around us, he wouldn’t even realise that something is going wrong... and would do absolutely nothing to fix things.

[BackInTheRoom]

Yes I was married to a manchild. 'Was' being the operative word. He did work FT and his job was stressful but when he got home he did nothing. He couldn't even book his own hair appointments, buy socks or pants, nothing. I was just his parent in the end.

[SummatFishyEre]

So he's not a good partner or a good dad. What does he bring to your relationship? Do you love him?

[Ttbb]

Yes, not to the same extent but the little things. Financial incompetence (he makes £5k a month minimum and yet we still end up without enough money frequently), inability to bloody clean up after himself, completely hopeless with household stuff, sub par with children.

[dentalplanlisaneedsbraces]

I was with a man child once. It was draining. I never had any help with anything and couldn't rely on him. It was also embarrassing when having to explain to people why I couldn't do certain things or having to ask others for help for things he should've been doing. Leaving the relationship was the best thing I could have done. My dh now couldn't be any different.

[Halfdrankbrew]

I'm married to one too. Just this evening I walked across the pale grey rug we have down in our living room and noticed a large wet patch and our daughters upturned cup nearby. I said to my husband that had better not be tea. He replied casual as "yeah it's tea" he saw her spill it and just sat there (she's only 2)!! He then got up and I kid you not rubbed it in with his hand!!! Tea on a pale grey rug!!!!! So I went and got a cloth etc to clean it properly and he just walked off as though it wasn't his problem.

I could moan about my husband all night, I feel your pain op. It's hard when you love someone, yet they act like another one of your children. I blame my mil for doing everything for him and letting him get away with it, I'm now just as bad as her though!!!

[bunzie]

I do try and imagine how life would be if I left him...but his traits just don’t justify leaving him. I know he would be totally broken if we separated and dc are mad about him... I just couldn’t do that to them and him and separate them...and as far as my feelings are concerned... like I said he is a good person... I just get on with stuff thinking I am pushing myself for dc and my household.

I also think he is not lazy... funny enough... I just think his brain is not wired to do this stuff and alarm bells don’t ring when important stuff like home or car insurance is not renewed. Not sure if he has been made to feel so useless with the years of bullying by fil and golden child bil that he thinks what the point as I’m going to get it wrong anyways.

[Isetan]

Funny that you blame the MIL when you're guilty of exactly the same behaviour. Learned incompetence only thrives if there's someone to enable it.

Op you are enabling him but you won't see it because it's easier then accepting that this is who he is and what he does and there isn't another version of him just waiting to emerge. The reasons why you enable him doesn't detract from the reality that you do.

[Pyjamaface]

DP was a manchild at first. As we didn't live together I left him to it. When I fell pregnant tho that was no longer an option so we had several long talks about him needing to actually be an adult.

When I moved in he seemed to think that I would be doing everything, nope, not happening. I did once clean his flat top to bottom, sorted everything out. He complained that I'd thrown out a disgusting stinking pair of boots that were falling apart, so I told him he either grew up and pulled his weight or I would be moving out.

Occasionally he will let his inner slob come out 10 years later. So I just dump everything on his side of the bed and leave it to him. Can't find something? Down the side of the bed dear. No clean clothes? That'll be cos you didn't put them in the wash dear. Need a haircut? Off you pop and make an appointment dear.

I have enough to deal with regarding the actual child in the house without doing his thinking as well and to be fair, he is fine 95% of the time and has always pitched in with DS

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Great post Pyjamaface (and name!).

OP, this is what you need to be doing. He doesn't need to do anything because you're doing it all for him. I know you said it's because otherwise it won't get done, but how else will he learn?

[bunzie]

I do not touch his clothes or laundry at all... there has been a big improvement on household chores side but I do have to tell him 5-6 times...so not sure you can call it an improvement....it not like he would walk into the kitchen when I am cooking and offer to help... but I don’t think I would ever be ready to give him financial reins... i was once cooking so asked him to pay tv license on store credit card to get the points... he went upstairs and paid it online after seeing that paying with credit card involves a 2.50 admin charge. i would’ve paid by debit card then.. he even knew that i asked him to use credit card for the points.

[SisterhoodisPowerful]

Your husband is a loser because he chooses to be one. He does nothing around the house because he knows you will do it for him and he’s trained you to think he’s incapable rather than lazy.

If you choose to be in a relationship where you are responsible, that’s up to you but please don’t pretend that your husbands behaviour is normal for men. Because it isn’t.

[ineedsummer1]

I was married to a man child for 15 yrs, I had no respect for him in the end. No wonder I was so stressed looking after 3 kids!!!
I’m with a man now that actually helps with the house and everything we do it’s so refreshing!!

[AmeliaFlashtart]

"his brain is not wired to do this stuff"
No one is born knowing how to do this stuff, you learn.

[LunarGirl]

My DH has ADHD. Diagnosed as an adult after recognising the traits when our DS was diagnosed. Our DH's sound very similar, OP. We've had counselling together and one of the main things the psychologist kept stressing was that the ADHD was a reason but most definitely not an excuse. DH was babied by his mother, his grandfather and uncle constantly put him down, tell him he's stupid and will never amount to anything. They've done it all his life as he was a "Naughty" child. Now we know that actually he was just struggling to cope.

The diagnosis has brought him a lot of peace, I think. Understanding why he seems to struggle with every day stuff. He went to therapy on his own for a long time and he has developed coping strategies. The change in him is massive. I still need to remind him of things but he's taking responsibility, putting reminders on his phone, checking the calendar etc. He used to walk straight past mess but he makes an effort now to look carefully to see if there's anything that needs doing, or he'll ask me.

Not saying your DH has ADHD, but it would be helpful for him to explore if there is a neurological issue or if it is just the way he was brought up/chooses to live.

[AnyFucker]

You would be better off without him but like many women think that better the devil you know. I don't agree.

[LiveLifeWithPassion]

I think being bullied by your father is a huge issue. Has he had any counselling for the bullying?
It sounds like he’s got low self esteem too. That can be built up with ‘achieving’ things. Could be be things in sport or exercise activities, courses and even tasks and jobs.
He has to want to do it though.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

His is a bit of a zombie existence but clearly he gets by because you do all the heavy lifting. FIL and BIL may have had a lot of input in the past but he is an adult now, how long have you been a couple? Twelve years wed so that is a long time to start shaping up. What kind of role model will he be to the children? Do you feel his opinion on anything?

Rant by all means but you already feel contempt toward your husband, it may be low level now but it will fester.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

value not feel.

[misscph1973]

OP, I know how easy it is to sink into these habits as a wife. It's so deep in our culture that women manage the household.

I think you have to either change things or leave him. You will become very bitter and resentful.

You have to tell him that you can't do this anymore. Give him an ultimatum. Do not "manage" him, he needs to take responsibility and show initiative.

[bunzie]

Lunargirl... what you say about ADHD sounds very interesting... we have also tried making a list and I have given ultimatums but have stopped now as I never did act on anything in the past. i think I need to work more on building his confidence and see how it goes... leave a lot more for him to do ( which involves a lot of patience and persistence) and probably even ask for his opinions and put him on stop with decision making.

[AnyFucker]

Dear God, don't sign up to micro manage such a baby. You can't change him. This is what he is. You cannot "build up his confidence". You are not a professional, you are his wife.

If you are determined to martyr yourself to this hopeless cause insist he gets outside support with his "confidence" (hopefully a good counsellor will see it as the passive aggressive manipulation it actually is) or you end things. You will end up being his mother. Women like you often get dumped because blokes like this stop seeing you as a sexual being because you take on the maternal role. Imagine investing all this effort into a bloke then he fucks off with 25yo Julie from behind the bar at the pub who doesn't nag and thinks he is Mr Wonderful. I have seen it happen.

Never invest more in someone else's life than they are prepared to pay back to you.