Ending a relationship by text

[Happy2018]

Hi all.
Just wanted to know people’s thoughts on the situation when you are dumped by text. It’s recently happened to me. Is it a common way to end a relationship by text nowadays? I find it difficult to understand that because there is no closure? What is the best way to cope with that so that one could move on? Thanks in advance.

[CruzRamirez]

It really depends on how long the relationship lasted. A few weeks - unpleasant but acceptable, a few years not so much.

[Gemini69]

I'm sorry to hear this happened to you....

I suppose it depends on many things... length of time in the relationship etc... and there are very particular reasons for doing so.. maybe fear of an aggressive reaction .. or simply unkind.. and can't deal with confrontation... ending relationships by text does appear to becoming a more regular thing OP... Personally I'd block the person.. I wouldn't seek an explanation but that's just me.. maybe you need to have that final conversation .. good luck

[User452734838]

There is closure, just not the kind of closure you would expect.

[Happy2018]

We were dating for about two months - were seeing each other twice a week, messaging all the time and he would phone me every day (sometimes two or three times a day). It all seemed to be going fine and I felt we were very comfortable with each other and building up that connection etc He was the driving force behind it all - showering me with love and attention and making plans for the future. Then there was just a cold text message saying that we shouldn’t see each other anymore and he enjoyed all our days out. Out of the blue. I was shocked as I really liked and I started to fall in love with him.He refused to meet up and talk about it.

I think it’s ok to end up a relationship by text if you’ve only seen a person 3-4 times and you realise it’s not right for you.

But if you spend much more time with them than that and you want to end it all, you should be brave enough to tell the other person face to face - out of respect and out of curtesy. It will be difficult but I think it’s only fair.

[greendale17]

Sorry but you were only dating for 2 months so I think ending it by text is acceptable

[Gemini69]

it sounds very harsh OP.... cruel.. I'm sorry but it sounds like he's closed the door on all contact

[Squeegle]

It sounds a bit rude and disrespectful to me as you were seeing quite a lot of each other. It’s ok to be hurt- but I think you dodged a bit of a bullet as someone who is like this is probably better avoided.

[Sancerresanwine]

I'm sorry I really feel for you. I recently had a six month relationship ended by text. I'd actually prefer it rather than deal with how upset I would have been in front of him.

[Happy2018]

I agree that ending it by text is a good idea if a relationship was abusive and you might put yourself in danger by telling your partner face to face or if your partner was cheating (he doesn’t deserve more than a text).

But when you do genuinely have a great time, enjoy each other’s company and feel the chemistry, is it really the best way to end it? I understand that people do change their mind and decide that this particular relationship is not for them. That’s fine. But it’s the way you deal with that I think and tell the other person that it’s over. While he had time to think about the break up and prepare and detach himself emotionally, I didn’t . It came out of the blue to me. Do I deserve an explanation/talk to help me with the closure? I am a human being too. If he liked me or cared about me at some point, don’t you think it’s only fair to take my feelings into account as well and talk to me about this break up in person.

I feel like he did what was easy for him - to hide behind a phone screen and leave me to deal with the rest. I find it a bit cowardly. Or am I just being too old fashioned??

[MegFlyAway]

He sounds like you were too invested after two months of dating. It's not even a relationship at that stage.

Read into future faking. It sounds like he did a lot of that to you.

Forget about it and move on, find someone worth your time.

[goldiehawn1]

You are quite right OP.

If you are seeing that much of someone, sleeping with them (I assume) and generally foregoing others to be with that person, it is only reasonable to have a conversation face to face or if that’s too intimidating, a phone call but to text...?! That’s just a shitty, cowardly thing to do.

You are definitely much better off without that guy.

[Happy2018]

Sancerresanwine, sorry to hear about that. May I ask you how you’ve coped with that? I am finding it quite difficult because I did like him an awful lot. I am overanalysing every conversation now and thinking about all the “what ifs and maybes” (“what if I said this/what if I did this...”). I’ve never been dumped by text before and I am the kind of person who would like some feedback - why did he end it? What did I do wrong? Do I need to change the way I behave with men? Etc He seemed to be so happy with me and was constantly saying that he loved every minute with me, couldn’t wait to see me again etc That’s why it is all so puzzling and confusing - such a huge change in behaviour!

[Sancerresanwine]

Well... I phoned him, we had a brief conversation and then I deleted him off everything... Whatsapp FB, insta, my phone. I couldnt delete his email address from Gmail and ended up emailing him telling him I still had feelings. He ignored me. It was absolutely agonising. It took some time to heal but it did. Hope you're OK.

[AutumnTreesThroughTheWindow]

He was the driving force behind it all - showering me with love and attention and making plans for the future

This is a warning sign not a positive.

But when you do genuinely have a great time, enjoy each other’s company and feel the chemistry, is it really the best way to end it?

If someone genuinely felt like that, then they wouldn't be ending it.

If factors out of their control forced their hand, and they were doing so reluctantly, then they wouldn't end it like this.

I think it's likely that you saw the 'relationship' differently to him. After 2 months, I would consider myself to be in a 'trial period' at which point either party could end it without owing the other anything other than the basic courtesy of not being 'ghosted'.

[AutumnTreesThroughTheWindow]

What did I do wrong? Do I need to change the way I behave with men?

I can answer both of those without even meeting you.

No, you did nothing wrong and no you don't need to change (unless of course you are utterly unreasonable in your behaviours and expectations!)

The bottom line is that, the more time you spent together, the more you got to know each other, the more he realised that, despite having enjoyed your company for a couple of months, you were not the match for him.

Or he is the sort of person who doesn't make true emotional connections with people, bores easily and never intended it to be anything more than it was.

Or he wasn't exclusive and found that, as time went on, he built a deeper and more authentic connection with someone else.

It's really that simple.

Don't overanalyse and worry about what you did. When you meet the right person for you, you won't need to change the way you behave around men x

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

It’s a bit horses for courses these days - text is a normal way to communicate now; and for every person who’d rather have serious conversations like break ups face to face, there’s someone who would be happier to do it through text and have time and privacy to react.

I’m sorry that you are hurt. I’d advise following the advice from previous posters about how invested you are after only two months; and also not questioning yourself. There’s rarely closure in situations like this; purely because you were happy and he was not. It’s best to simply accept that it wasn’t meant to be, as hard as that may feel.

[Migraleve]

We were dating for about two months

Dating for 2 months is not a relationship. Sorry OP but I wouldn’t get too hung up over this. I mean how much closure do you really need after a matter of weeks??

[Happyfoodie50]

I think cutting someone off after love bombing and future faking is cruel. People don't switch that quickly unless an ex resurfaced and he wanted a quick ending with you. Just think he's unpredictable and you dodged a bullet xx

[MsGameandWatching]

I think it’s fine. I sometimes think outage about ”they did it by text!!!” is just a focus for the pain and anger of the rejection. Personally I don’t want to get all dressed up and excited going to meet someone only to be dumped. Obviously I don’t include long term relationships in this.

[Happy2018]

Thanks everybody for your responses.

Sancerresanwine, I phoned him as well when I got his text message. He was very very cold and unemotional on the phone and didn’t really want to discuss anything - so I left it at there. I never thought it would hit me so far (I always thought a had a thick skin) but hopefully time will heal and I will be ready to date again. I wish you all the best Sancerresanwine.

[Thetoothyteeth]

I don't understand the notion of getting 'closure' from someone else. You get closure yourself by knowing they ended it and that's really all you need to know after 2 months. Harsh but true. I personally think texting saves the long drawn out emotional conversation and hence appeals to a lot of men. At least he told you and didn't just stop replying. Don't overanalyse it anymore - he told you he's done so move on you can't get 'feedback' it's not an appraisal at work. Anything could have happened - he could have met someone else, just gone off you, anything. Don't go running to him asking what you did wrong - you obviously just weren't for him and vice versa and you can't change who you are.

Seriously have some pride and accept it

[Happy2018]

AutumnTrees, thanks for your messages. I think you are right. I will try to be more careful next time. It all started very intense and too good to be true. Thanks again x

[Happy2018]

Happyfoodie50, I think it was love bombing and future faking (just read about it; didn’t even know these terms existed) but unfortunately I got attached to him too quickly. You are right, people can’t switch off so quickly. I can’t!


Thetoothyteeth, I certainly won’t go and beg him for answers. He is not worth it and I’ve got some pride and self respect. He did say that we could be friends. I don’t want him as a friend. My friends don’t treat me like that. I know I should accept it and move on but somehow I just find it very difficult (as if he was the true love of my life).

[Thetoothyteeth]

@happy love bombing and future faking are just ridiculous terms thrown around on this site, ive never heard someone say them in real life. It's just a way of saying someone was in to you and now they are not and apparently that's a crime because apparently people don't get to change their minds.
That sounds really harsh but give it time and you will be ok - take closure for yourself don't wait on him to give that to you and don't take any notice of the being friends thing, that's just not relevant because clearly you are very hurt so keeping distance is safest thing to do!

[AutumnTreesThroughTheWindow]

I know I should accept it and move on but somehow I just find it very difficult

When did it happen?

I think you can allow yourself a maximum of a week to mope around feeling sorry for yourself and then just get on with it.

No one is so special that they deserve you to put your life on hold or sabotage your happiness for them. Fuck him.