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Having a bit of a meltdown

(60 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

pinkkoala Wed 01-Nov-17 23:18:40

Maybe getting this completely wrong but i am divorcing ex h on unreasonable behaviour. I have left the marital home on 9th june and using unreasonable behaviour as my grounds. But getting in a flap as not sure if i can do that as seperated nearly 6 months now.
The reasons i am using are complete marriage breakdown, seperate bedrooms 5 years prior to separating, no financial support for dd, i had to move out and rent while he stays in marital home, him still trying to control who i see/where i go etc even now when we aren't together, him also now refusing to have dd while i work at nights.
I could go on deeper about police being called, a police notice being issued and possibly after this weekend gone he may be receiving some sort of order.
But he has said that he will sign providing its not too bad so trying to keep it sweet.
Can i still use unreasonable behaviour even if i left on 9th june.
I can't wait 2 or 5 years.

MyKingdomForBrie Wed 01-Nov-17 23:27:17

You’re fine! You just can’t have lived together for more than six months following the last incident. You don’t live together so no problem at all.

pinkkoala Wed 01-Nov-17 23:33:22

I thought i read somewhere that you can't of lived seperate for 6 months otherwise you have to use the two year separation one.

MyKingdomForBrie Wed 01-Nov-17 23:37:49

Nope, I’m a lawyer, you’ve misunderstood. You can’t have stayed living together for more than six months after the last example you give of unreasonable behaviour.

pinkkoala Wed 01-Nov-17 23:52:28

Thats good to know, do you think the reasons i have given will be enough and what if he doesn't sign.
Also how long are they taking to process, i will be using east Midlands divorce centre.

MyKingdomForBrie Wed 01-Nov-17 23:59:48

Yep your reasons are plenty - judge won’t actually care what your reasons are as they assume if you’ve got to the stage of issuing divorce proceedings then things have definitely irretrievably broken down.

Basically as long as the papers were ‘served’ on him and you can prove that then the divorce will go through whether he signs or not.

Can be as quick as three months from issue to application for absolute but it depends on the centre - I don’t know if EM have any backlogs etc. Proving service of papers may slow it down a bit. You can call EM for any advice, they will help you.

pinkkoala Thu 02-Nov-17 00:12:07

What happens if i can't prove he had the papers.
What do i need to tick with regards to the house, its joint names, i have said to ex that he can stay until dd is 18 or if he meets anybody else then its sold and split 50/50. I sm also suggesting that i don't have any of his pension either.
Does this all sound reasonable and if he haf a solicitor would they say its fair.

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 02-Nov-17 00:27:41

I can’t comment on the financial stuff because I don’t know your circumstances. It sounds like you’ll need some fairly complex orders if you’re saying he should stay in the house with the child, especially if you’re trying to base his occupancy on his remaining single. I think you will need some advice about that situation.

With regard to service - if he doesn’t respond to the court they will let you know and give you your options - the court bailiff should be able to serve on him personally for a small fee. If he texts or emails you about the content of the petition for example then you have evidence that it is received.

To be honest it sounds like a tricky situation to be unrepresented, I would recommend a solicitor.

pinkkoala Thu 02-Nov-17 07:44:53

Sorry for late reply, with regards to orders it should be shared care as he works 4 on 4 off and i work nights on his off days.
He has already had a pin notice which he has now breached over the weekend so police are now saying an harrassment order. I want no contact unless to do with daughter and i don't want him anywhere near me, driving past my house, parking on my drive, telling me who i can and can't see. I have told ex h this already but he still continues to do it.
Would i be ok to sent the divorce papers off and then get legal advice about finances after as i ama single mum and dont have £200 per hour for my solicitor every time.

pinkkoala Thu 02-Nov-17 17:15:06


pinkkoala Sat 04-Nov-17 12:11:04


NovemberWitch Sat 04-Nov-17 12:13:27

Try posting in ‘relationships’ board. Lots of experience there.

pinkkoala Sat 04-Nov-17 13:25:29

Not quite sure how to move this to relationships section

Changerofname987654321 Sat 04-Nov-17 13:31:10

I am sure someone more knowledge will be along but if his behaviour is abusive maybe you can access legal aid. I really don’t know if this is true.

FlissMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 04-Nov-17 19:49:59

Hi There pinkkoala

We've whizzed this one across to relationship for you now so we hope you find the support you're looking for.

From us, there's always brew

pinkkoala Sun 05-Nov-17 00:35:31


MyKingdomForBrie Sun 05-Nov-17 00:39:33

I think you need to go to your nearest citizens advice. I’m struggling to make out who owns the house/how many houses/ what’s happening with dc etc and I think you need to sit down and talk it through with someone. They will have someone experienced in filling the forms who will advise you.

pinkkoala Sun 05-Nov-17 08:42:00

We have one house which is joint mortage and one dd who is 13. I moved out of the marital home and moved into a rented property, dd spends her time between the two houses.
I am using unreasonable behaviour as my grounds for divorce.
What are these online divorce companies like as will use one of their solicitors at a cost of 299, they do all the paperwork, liase with courts and spouses solicitor. Then need to still pay court fees. Are these any good.

NameChange30 Sun 05-Nov-17 08:55:53

Well done for leaving him and starting divorce proceedings.

Please don't use an online divorce company.

It sounds to me as if he is emotionally and financially abusive. As a victim of domestic abuse, with evidence in the form of reports to the police, you are likely to be eligible for free or low cost legal representation. Please call Women's Aid and ask them about available legal help in your area. The number is 0808 2000 247 and it's 24/7 so if it's busy keep trying.

You could also call the free Rights of Women family law helpline - check the link for opening times.

I think Women's Aid and Rights of Women will be very helpful. And if you want to cover all your bases you could also call or visit your local Citizens Advice and ask if they have a list of local solicitors. Ours does and it includes solicitors who offer a free initial consultation.

In terms of the financial settlement you have proposed, I think it sounds grossly unfair as it is too much in his favour and not enough in yours. I'm not a solicitor though and you need proper legal advice.

Good luck.

pinkkoala Sun 05-Nov-17 19:46:00

I have been quoted by a solicitor £480 to handle the divorce, fixed fee. What does that include. I know i have to pay the 550 on top for court fees.
Am i liable for any of ex h costs.
How long do you think it will them to get papers ready for him to sign. I was hoping by xmas she would of signed so at least i could think that 2018 will be a brighter year.

NameChange30 Sun 05-Nov-17 20:10:42

Ask the solicitor.
I suggest you talk to a few and get quotes before deciding which one to go with.
I totally understand wanting to get it done and dusted ASAP. But it's really important that you use a good solicitor (personal recommendation is best but if not someone found via the sources I mentioned in my previous post would be good) so you get a fair financial settlement. This is not just for your sake but will also affect your ability to provide for your DD, so if it helps to think of it that way, tell yourself you need to be able to provide a stable home for her which means getting the money you are entitled to from your STBXH, the shared property etc.

pinkkoala Mon 06-Nov-17 16:51:05

Have instructed a solicitor should have draft copy of papers by end of week. She then sends them to ex, is this normal as i thought they would of gone to courts before he received them.
Do you think he should of signed by xmas.

pinkkoala Mon 06-Nov-17 22:10:31


pinkkoala Fri 10-Nov-17 18:07:35

Hi just a quick update. My solicitor is sending ex a draft copy of the papers on monday along with a letter.
I am praying he doesnt mess about and does say its ok and divorce can go ahead. If not and he defends, i have no idea what i will do. I know it will cost him but he would do that just to get at me.
I have 8 examples of unreasonable behaviour on my papers.
Anyone been there and done that already and how did you cope.

cafenoirbiscuit Fri 10-Nov-17 22:55:22

You could stop him parking on your drive by using a penguin bollard grin

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