MIL called DD horrible

[LinaLaaamont]

I’m separated from DH for Four years. We have two DDs. DD1 who’s 11 is very like me. Dd2 is like her dad.
DD1 says her Granny made her cry today by telling her she was horrible. DD1 says she wanted to use her dad’s phone charger, was told no, so was in a huff. I appreciate this is not ideal, but probably typical, behaviour.
MIL then shouted at her again ‘I can’t even speak to you. You are horrible!’
Is this seen a bit extreme?

[littlemisscomper]

Whatever a child has done, it's despicable to call them 'horrible'! Are you sure DD1 isn't exaggerating?

[IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday]

That’s not a very nice thing to say.

What is she like normally?

[Jenala]

You'll get the comments soon that children deserve whatever is coming to them if they are the slightest bit rude. But to call someone "horrible", especially a child, is really shitty and below the belt.

Mil sounds like the horrible one and out of order. Hope your DD can see that and not take it to heart.

[Branleuse]

Im really confused as to what youre supposed to do when children are naughty now. You cant tell them theyre being horrible. You cant raise your voice at them, or make them feel bad even if theyve been really annoying or a shitbag.
I get that smacking is bad and screaming, but bloody hell. We really do have to walk on eggshells with the little darlings now.

Maybe your daughter was being more annoying than she is letting on, or maybe her grandma was stressed about something or another and didnt have as much patience as usual?

[Mumof56]

An 11 year old in a huff because she was told no
What did she want to use the charger for?

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

She is 11... is at at all possible she WAS being a bit horrible?

If she was I don't think it was such an awful thing to be told so....

[LinaLaaamont]

I think it’s entirely possible, even likely, that DD was behaving far more badly than she tells me. She is reluctant to tidy her bedroom and do her homework, but I have no trouble with her. Yes, she can be grumpy and huffy at times.
My MIL is very timid and quiet. I am gobsmacked that she reacted this way - even if DD1 was very badly behaved.

[Moussemoose]

Branleuse

You criticise the behaviour not the child.

It's really not that complicated. "You did x wrong and and that is not good". "please don't do x again".

NOT " you are horrible "

[Santawontbelong]

Are you concerned it was connected to her being like you?

[MadMags]

If MIL is usually timid and quiet, I'd be reluctant to do anything until I found out what definitely happened.

[LinaLaaamont]

mumof56 her phone battery was dead, and she wanted to call me. Her dad was charging his phone so he said no.

[Branleuse]

yes, i get that you criticise the behaviour ideally, but calling a grumpy huffy 11 year old "horrible" is hardly that bad

[Mumof56]

MIL then shouted at her again

If it was her dad that told her no, what did mil shout at her the first time?

[Moussemoose]

Branleuse

An adult. A loved and respected adult calling a child "horrible" is really very poor behaviour indeed.

[Crumbs1]

Tell the child to get over it. She behaved badly, her grandmother pointed it out. She had a Paddy. At 11 she’s perfectly old enough to deal with a cross adult.

[MadMags]

A paddy?

[CallMeDollFace]

In your op you said your dd1 was like you and that your and your dh have been separated for 4 years.

Is the relevance of this that your mil doesn’t like you because of the separation and that you now think that by extension, she doesn’t much like your dd1? Just curious.

[Mumof41987]

That is disgusting ! No matter what she has done a grandparent should never say such things ! I'd be going mental and telling her dad straight !

[LinaLaaamont]

santawontbelobg yes, that is my worry.

[LinaLaaamont]

callmedoll yes. I can honestly think of no other issue. My mil hasn’t said a single word to me in four years, despite numerous attempts to clear the air, invitations to birthday meals, school shows etc.

[LinaLaaamont]

DH just called to say MIL “doesn’t give a shit” what I think. I texted to say that I was sure there was more to this, to ask what happened, and to say DD was upset but i’d Reassured her that her dad and granny love her. Charming.

[MadMags]

She doesn't have to have anything to do with you, though. You're not her family.

You know your ex MIL and your ex DH.

Do you think she'd randomly call your dd horrible for no real reason? Because if so, you have some work to do to make sure your child isn't exposed to abuse of any kind.

[luckyDuvet]

Why are you trying so hard to maintain a relationship with an ex MIL?

Being told that she was being horrible doesn't seem that bad to me.

[CallMeDollFace]

Oh dear. Well she ought to care what your dd thinks, even if she doesn’t care what you think.

Do you know why your dd wanted to call you? Was she allowed to call you on another phone instead?

I think you need to talk to your ex and try to resolve this or it’s just going to rumble on and you don’t want your dd caught in the middle.

[LinaLaaamont]

luckyduvet I don’t try now. I tried when we split and again at my DDs’ birthdays the following year. She and I used to be very close.