Am I mad for considering this?

[Confused299]

I met someone a couple of months ago on an online dating site, he was the first person I felt I clicked with and was easy to talk to/non sleazy and just seemed nice and 'normal'. We went on a few dates and got on well and I started developing feelings for him. Then he completely disappeared, fast forward and I've found out from a friend of a friend that he's been charged with GBH and is in prison awaiting a trial. The incident is from before I met him but I wasn't aware of it until now. He has also been charged with 2 other lesser assaults (not trying to minimise but being factual) from a another night. I'm aware that I should be running for the hills but I'm considering writing to him... I don't know why and I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve. But feel like I would like to have contact with him, even as a friend. Am I completely mad? What sort of prison sentence can someone expect for GBH/other assaults? I just feel like I need answers/closure.

[HeddaGarbled]

Yep, you are mad to be considering this.

How much more closed do you need your closure to be than a guy you hardly know being in prison for violent crimes?

[Ellisandra]

You are completely and utterly off your bloody rocker.
A dangerous man with multiple accusations of assault.

But let's ignore that for a moment...
he disappeared. He dumped you love. He didn't give a shit about the fact you'd have to go through the hurt of wondering where the fuck he'd gone. He doesn't give a damn about you.

This is not how to get closure, it really isn't.

[Only1scoop]

Are you Elaine Figgis from Catherine Tate?

[Ellisandra]

Incidentally, I think GBH is a phrase people just know from the media and bandy about without thinking about it. I suspect most people's mental description of GBH is really ABH. Why don't you go and google exactly what GBH is and what he has probably done, before you choose him as a penpal?

[Alexandra87]

Yep you're mad. You've been handed on a plate the perfect opportunity to walk away from this before it got serious. You should take it and run.

[SnowiestMountain]

This way to the hills OP >>>>>>>>

[Fluffypinkpyjamas]

Are you that desperate for a partner OP? Move on and find someone decent.

[ferriswheel]

Please. We'll have a mn whip round and buy you new trainers. Run. Run. As. Fast. As. You. Can.

Or walk very slowly to Women's Aid and the police.

I'm not even religious but I am praying for you. Please don't think he's your friend.

[Confused299]

That's a fair reply, I don't know.. he just didn't seem like that kind of person at all when with me. He has issues with drink and from what I can gather the assaults have been when he was on massive benders, he's also had a lot of shit happen recently and a fucked up childhood with close family members in prison. I guess I can emphasise as I've had my share of problems and bad stuff in past. I know I'm making excuses but maybe he could change/get help with anger issues? Or I should just put it down to (bad) experience and move on shouldn't I.. sorry just needed to get these rambling thoughts out of my head and somewhere as haven't really spoken to anyone in real life 😐

[weekendninja]

What Ellisandra says x100.

What type of friends do you have?! I think you have completely lost your mind!

[Flimp]

YOU CAN'T FIX HIM

[Confused299]

The type of friends who would think I was absolutely insane if I said any of this to them and who I would probably lose if I was to get further involved.. I'm under no illusions as to what GBH is and know the details of his assault.

[Cherryberrypie]

You already have answers, he is in prison because he is a violent criminal. That's all the answer you need.

[Confused299]

And I wouldn't say I was desparate, I have an 8 year old son and have been on my own for most of his life with no desire to rush into a relationship, stupidly I thought that I'd clicked with this guy and we could have something.

[Confused299]

I think I knew all of this deep down by the way... I just needed to hear it, bluntly, from other people.

[Ellisandra]

Oh that makes all the difference.
Call me sexist, but I actually think young boys need a father or father figure. Have a single mother parent kind of feminises them, you know? You don't want your boy turning out a bit namby pamby. A nice roughty thoughty real man like your boyfriend... yep, that's what your 8yo son needs in his life.

Go give your fucking head a wobble, woman

[tallwivglasses]

I give it two letters in before he starts asking you for money. And he'll have all the details at hand to make it nice and simple for you.

Block. Trust me there will be quite a lot of nice, non-violent blokes out there who can offer you far more than locked-up criminal can.

[Justaboy]

Well don't some women really love the bad boyz?. Don't some love writing to them in prison? and the ones on death row in America

Is that what you really want, really?.

OK you have had issues in the past so now you want to add to them try to fix him just how many women try to fix the unfixable?


Well i've been there with a couple of woman in the past that I though i could help out, change their ways and let me tell you if you want a decent loving relationship then run!! as everyone is advising but if you like the occasional assault and slapping then well who can stop you?.


Really?.

[lollipop7]

Christ on a bike.

Run.

Run for the fucking hills.

[coursedarlin]

Please don't do this. A few years ago I made the biggest mistake of my life by pursuing a relationship with someone arrested for affray and gbh. He then spent the next 7 years of our relationship in and out of prison and the truth of it was that he had hidden his past so well and was very convincing. The truth was he had been in and out of prison his whole adult life and it took a lot for me to leave him eventually. The whole relationship was based on a hope that I would be enough to make things change but they only got worse. I wish I had never started the relationship and also wished he hadn't had such a manipulating way about him to convince me over and over again. I never knew the real truth about what crimes he had committed either.

[Ellisandra]

Even if he could get help with anger issues (and really, my eyes are rolling so hard at that, they actually hurt) it doesn't change the fact that he dumped you and ghosted you anyway.

You could befriend the victim maybe? A kind of restorative dating concept?

[Pikachuwithyourmouthclosed]

Oooh if you don't want him OP I'm next in line!! I was only thinking the other day that what my life really needs right now is a violent alcoholic who doesn't give a shit about me! Can't wait to tell the kids about the new man in Mummy's life!!

[Confused299]

I knew he was in prison when he was a teenager but he'd got sober for a bit, and apparently turned his life around, had a good job and was in a long term relationship for ages. Without going into detail there was something fairly big in his life that happened recently that seemed to set this off. I was convincing myself that maybe he's not actually a bad person, he's just fucked up and is capable of change but you have (quite harshly!) talked some sense into me!

[YellowPaisley]

No forget him. He is a violent criminal! Run away as fast as you can. When he is released you will be back here with a thread about how he is beating you. And that's only if you get lucky enough that you don't end up being killed by his violence.

Run away and never look back

[Confused299]

What type of sentence would he be likely to get for GBH out of curiosity? And yes I now know I was absolutely mad for considering it, I clearly just needed strangers on the internet to cement it for me!