Partner has ended things but won't leave

[Sadandscared77]

Me and my partner (can't say ex yet) had been together 12 years. Over the last few months I suppose he has become distant and I thought he was suffering with depression. This last year has been tough I've been signed off work with anxiety. We've always had a turbulent relationship but when it's good it's great when it's bad it's horrendous. There has been one occasion of DV and lots of EA. I adore this man though for some reason.
A few weeks ago he decided he needed space and went away for the weekend. He came back and seemingly I thought things were better, but obviously not because after instigating sex a few times and me feeling afterwards like it felt different. Hes decided to tell me he doesn't love me like he should and as much as I love him and he's unhappy with me.

I've begged, pleaded, cried everything to him and nothing. I've asked him to leave nearly every day and he hasn't. His reason is he'd rather leave when he's got time off work in a couple of weeks then it will be less awkward for him!!!!! Yesterday I wrote him a letter and left it for him to read while I was out. When I came home he carried on as normal. As did I making dinner trying to keep things normal for our child who has no idea what is happening yet. He then went to sleep early and just hasn't acknowledged anything that I have said in the letter to him. He's quite happy for me to carry on making dinner and washing his clothes but won't acknowledge anything I say. A few days ago he was saying he might be making the biggest mistake of his life, he finds me attractive, is struggling not to just get in our bed with me etc, etc.

I'm so heartbroken and don't know how I will go on without him in my life it kills me to think of him being with someone else. I suspect there could be some one else there are a lot of things that don't add up with him and I've asked and asked him that question too. Not only does he avoid answering it he hasn't denied it either. 😔

[ClopySow]

Go cold. Stop cooking for him and doing his washing. Tell him he'll never be back in your bed.

Tell him to get the fuck out.

You'll get through this, but only when you get angry.

[Wormulonian]

As Clopy said you need to dig deep and find your anger. He is treating you and your DC appallingly with no respect. Do not feel shame and stop trying to hide it from your DC - if you are not ready to explain things to your DC that is fine. Just stop cooking for your partner, cleaning, washing etc and make him sleep on the couch if he still won't go - do not engage in conversation with him in the evenings.

He is putting himself first and thinks you are such a pushover that it is all fine - it also makes him think he has no need to feel any guilt about the situation as he can rationalsie to himself "that you are fine with it". He sees you as subserviant and there to keep on meeting his household needs - you are not his domestic servant - let him know!!!
You do not need to argue just stop servicing him- detach.

[Sadandscared77]

I need to find the anger first 😔 I just don't want any of this. It's all his doing. He hasn't been back in my bed either. He just mentioned that the last time he actually spoke to me about all this. Since then it's business as usual without him actually being my partner. He's sleeping on the sofa but making lots of complaints about how uncomfortable it is.

[ijustwannadance]

Bet the weekend away wasn't on his own.

You need to stop looking after him and tell him to go. He is taking the piss out of you. That is EA!

[Sadandscared77]

Wormulonian you are spot on. That's exactly how he's behaving and what he is thinking. I haven't engaged in any convo with him on and evening I have gone and sat alone upstairs.
Unfortunately this morning I had to contact him because our DCs school called me to say they were worried about them and would I go in and check everything was ok. Wonder why our DC isn't feeling well?
He was very business like in his replies to me.

[ExplodedCloud]

Get yourself down for an STD (STI?) check. Stop making him comfortable.

[UnaPalomaBlanca]

Sounds desperate. But he will treat you in the way you allow him to. Seems like he is pushing it as far as he can, getting you to carry on in the domestic role. Does he think he can behave like this because he knows you want to salvage the relationship?

He is either committed to the relationship; you are both taking a break; or the relationship is over. In the second and third cases, he needs to leave immediately.

[Wormulonian]

Sad I am glad you have not been sleeping in the same bed or engaging with him.

You have had a big shock and are probably on auto pilot - you might need to grieve first before the anger really comes. You know you should feel anger and can see he is being s**y but sometimes our minds just can't react the way we would like.

I hope your DC is alright. Perhaps your DC does know something is up - I would think about how you are going to tell them what is happening - get some control over that. Would it help to get away somewhere for a week or so (I think schools end this week) if you can afford it/have a relative to stay with just to avoid him and so that he could be gone when you return?

[TheNaze73]

I'd get some legal advice ASAP. Who owns the property? Who put in the lions share of deposit?

He may be thinking you'll gonifvits his

[TheNaze73]

If it's

[Sadandscared77]

We live in rented so there's no house to split.
I just feel sick. I poured my heart out to him in that letter yesterday and I have had nothing in return to even acknowledge anything I've said.
He went away on the Saturday and came home the Sunday afternoon. Reckoned he had been somewhere about three hours away from where we live. He's not mentioned anything at all about what he did when he was away or said where he stayed. I kept on at him a few days ago.saying I know there is more to this and I just want him to tell me. He just wouldn't answer the question he kept changing the subject. Then he tells me he's just unhappy with me. Funny he didn't seem unhappy last week when we had sex three times in a day - that in itself is unheard of. He's had a text affair before and my gut feeling is screaming at me at the moment I'm sure he's up to no good again. I have a list of ten things that's don't add up with him.

[Wormulonian]

I think your gut is right - a new girlfriend may well crawl out of the woodwork a few weeks after you split whom he claims he has only just met. He may also be hedging his bets - keeping you on board by saying he wants to come to back to your bed again etc. people often have a lot of sex with their partner just before ditching them.

Has he actually sorted out somewhere to live yet? (perhaps he is also waiting for the OW to get organised)

Since there has been DV and EA in the relationship I think it will be very positive in the long run for your DC if you split. I also think you would benefit from looking into the Freedom Programme or at least reading about abusive relationships and books such as Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft so that you can understand what has happened to you and work to avoid it in the future.

On a practical note make sure you claim all the benefits you can - more CTC? single person council tax discount, HB etc. Try to detach and stop wasting your energy on him and what he may or may not have been up to and start putting your energy into looking after your DC and your own needs and moving forward from this abusive man. I bet once he has left and things have settled down that your anxiety issues will recede.

[Sadandscared77]

Well he just refuses and avoids answering the what's going on question. I've tried it from every angle possible. He won't dare tell me because he will be too scared I trash his car or something.

He says he can go stay with his parents. Yet he's making no moves to go there. I don't have anywhere I can go otherwise believe me I would have gone. He says the only thing stopping him going to his mum's is the fact that it's awkward to get to work for him from there. I've told him this is his choice and I don't care if logistically it's difficult for him to get there that's the choice he's made.

[ijustwannadance]

Ffs op, pack his bloody bbags and tell him to go!!!!!!! Stop waiting for him.

[Wolfiefan]

Whose name is on the lease?

[Adora10]

He's got OW OP, maybe not anymore but he long checked out of this relationship; what he is doing now is suiting him fine, how can you even cook him food without throwing it in his face; what he is doing is unbelievably cruel; biding his time until it's right and then dumps you; wise up OP; stop engaging at least, he's taking the complete piss out of you.

[Sadandscared77]

The lease is in both names.

I'm trying to keep things calm for the sake of my DC. If I start packing bags etc it will probably cause a huge row and i don't want them to see that. I've had to go into the school already this morning because they're saying they have chest pain 😔 but on the other hand they've still been running around and playing with friends.

My partner keeps saying he doesn't want to fall out with me. He doesn't want any arguments.

[Wolfiefan]

Get legal advice on how to get him to leave and get the lease in your name. Or find a new place.

[Sadandscared77]

I've told him already he's taking the piss out of me. I know he's taking the piss out of me. I'm such a mug. All because I love him

[Adora10]

Love yourself more, he as sure as hell loves only him.

He needs to go to his parents, no matter how awkward!

As for the DV and EA; you will be well rid, you can do so much better OP, even being on your own would be preferable to this kind of life.

[GlitterSparkles17]

Stop doing his washing and cooking etc. He's a grown man who will have to get used to doing all that for himself. Does he think your his maid/nanny? Book yourself a weekend away/go see your friends whilst he's still living there and tell him it's his turn to look after his kids while you get some space.
The only way your going to keep your dignity through this is if you go cold hearted.

It's pretty obvious that weekend away wasn't alone, a new gf will crawl out of the woodwork very soon I imagine.

[Sadandscared77]

He went somewhere that weekend for sure. All of a sudden he needed space, he HAD to get away and needed time to think. He had to have time alone. That came out of the blue as well. He was texting my stepson on and off to ask if I was ok but never text me. 😕 Prick.

[Wormulonian]

Sad I have been gentle in my previous posts but now given other revelations and that you are not engaging with the advice lots of posters have given you but are going on and on about what he may or may not have been up to on his weekend away. I am going to get tough.

I will reiterate that you should read up on the Freedom Programme. Also talk to Womens Aid - he is abusive. I can't believe he thinks he should stay to be able to access work a bit easier the fact that he can say this to you shows just how little respect and esteem he has for you. He thinks you are a total pushover.

You have to take control and stop him. Pack his bags and take them round to his mother's. Stop justifying all his crap by saying " but I love him". He does not love you or your DC only himself. Put your DC first - love her/him more than this sad excuse of a man and be strong for them.

Your DC is maybe having chest pains because they are anxious and know things are not alright - resolve the situation - kick your partner out and give your DC a better future. Learn about why you are in such thrall to this man and why you are seemingly addicted to the drama.

[TwoBusyCnuts]

Wowsers - you're literally letting him fuck you over. You're not that desperate surely?

[SandyY2K]

He's got another woman. Stop cooking and cleaning after him now.

Stop begging and start acting like you couldn't care less.

Begging and pleading are unattractive and make you look needy and clingy

Do the 180.

The 180

. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

1. No frequent phone calls.
   
2. Do not point out good points in marriage.
   
3. Do not follow him/her around the house.
   
4. Do not encourage talk about the future.
   
5. Do not ask for help from family members.
   
6. Do not ask for reassurances.
   
7. Do not buy gifts.
   
8. Do not schedule dates together.
   

10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.