Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am i wrong to be upset if SO goes on holiday without inviting me?(62 Posts)
I am in a lovely new relationship of 7 months and completely in love with SO. I booked a summer holiday for us to go together and he seems happy and excited about it. However, yesterday he said that next year he is going for a holiday with his friends (one male and one female). I was taken aback because my first thought had been to go on holiday together not separately, which is why I booked the summer break for us. We have been together on beautiful weekends away and see each other 3-4 times per week. I know everyone is different but am wondering why I am feeling hurt that he would not even ask if I would like to go on holiday with him, at least out of courtesy. He has gone on holiday before with the same (best) friends just a month after we met but this had been booked long before we met so of course I did not think anything of it and wished him a great holiday. We messages and skyped regularly when he was away because we both missed each other. Recently he has told me that 'people' come and go but friends and family are forever. This statement, coupled with a string of several 1-year relationships he has had makes me think that he may be afraid of commitment and is simply going round the same circles with each new relationship, afraid to commit from fear of being hurt and not really giving the new relationship a chance. I would be so grateful if anyone offers their opinion because I know I have probably been over thinking about this- everything else seems absolutely fine, he calls or messages every day, he has asked me to bring some clothes to his place and has introduced me to some of his friends and family (but not the ones he is travelling with). What should I make of this, if anything?
If it's something that they have a habit of doing - going on a holiday with no partners and as long as he also makes time to go on holiday with you then I don't see the problem.
You don't say how many holidays he takes (or could take) per year - financially and time-wise.
My fiancé turned around last year and said "I'm going to book a ski trip, and see if x & y will come too".
Not an issue because
- I can't ski well enough to keep up!
- he knows I am v unlikely to holiday without my small child
- we were talking about a separate holiday anyway
Why over think his "ahead of commitment"? Why not say "sounds great - I'd love to come too" or "sounds great, but I'd love to have a holiday with you as well - can you do two?"
Extra people change group dynamics. If they always holiday together they'll have habits, in jokes etc... it's fine to do things separately sometimes
The first 2 years of DP and I relationship I went away without him. Apart from missing him like crazy there was no issues from either of us.
Personally, I wouldn't book a holiday with a partner I had only been with for 7 months a year in advance - especially if my track record with ex's was about a year. But that's just IMO
Also, to echo ellis could he not go away with friends and with you?
Oh, I do understand now why he said friends are forever. He knows that next year he is still going to be friends with that couple when they go on holiday but he isn't sure about you. Sounds like you're not in his future plans. Sorry. I would be hurt as well OP.
He has gone away on couple more occasions for long weekends, once with the same female best friend and this disturbed me because I have not had the chance to meet her yet (she lives out of London). Again, he did not ask if I would like to come, even when I said "oh, that's nice, enjoy it- I have never been to that city in Spain". He can take time off work 3 times per year and he is booking his time off in 3 months time for this summer when we are going away together. Again, it is the fact that he did not ask if I might be free or wamt to join them..I would certainly have asked...I will talk to him about my feelings when I see him next, just wanted to hear what others think before I do that.
Why would he invite you because you said that's nice, enjoy it?
Why make it so hard?!
Not saying what you actually want, then getting upset about it...
Seems the female friend is a big part of this issue?
FWIW I would drop my holiday plans with my friends for the following year, for someone I've only been dating for 7 months.
He's going on holiday with his 'best female' friend? Friends are forever but 'people' (like you), come and go? He doesn't sound like someone who's ever going to put you first and with the special female friend thing, he's offering you a manshare, not a partnership.
Enjoy whatever holiday you're going on with him, enjoy the sex but don't take him seriously, he's a fuck buddy. Date other people until you find someone you like then get rid of him or he rids you. By the sounds of it you have four months left given his history!
I don't think there's anything wrong with having separate holidays as well as a trip together. If he can take time off 3 times a year then he still has time for a trip with you. Don't be so needy- can't you book a trip with your friends too?
Definitely book a trip for yourself and a friend.
Did you pay for the holiday you're both having this year OP? Or is it half and half?
I wouldn't book anymore together unless he is sharing the cost.
If you cause friction over this he will only see you in a negative light - no one wants a SO with envy/jealousy issues (even though we all have 'em) let it go for now - just accept it - don't moan about it at all - but continue to evaluate your relationship.
Because he has the sense to end relationships after a year, if things aren't to his expectations does not make him a commitment phobe.
If you're not happy you should get out but, I don't think you'd find many people who'd drop their friends in anticipation of a holiday that might happen in a year.
Try living for the day & don't get so focused on the future.
I would absolutely not be planning holidays for the following year with someone I'd only been seeing for 7 months.
The fact he even told you probably means he doesn't think it's a big deal and has nothing to do with his feelings for you.
Thank you for all your thoughts- really good to see the different angles-will try to answer the few questions in one go. I would not expect anyone to drop their friends/events. Ellisandra, he is booking his holiday with friends now, after we have been together for this time and after I booked our holiday together so I am just wondering if SO has commitment issues. I don't want to cause friction and can easily book a holiday with my friends but that is besides the point. Yes, I have paid for the summer holiday but he insists to pay for all costs there and we usually share costs for everything else. I can deal with the jealousy even though I have friends who say they would be very uncomfortable knowing that their SO is on a holiday with a friend of the opposite sex drinking shots and sleeping in the same room and same bed. This is also beside the point for me because when I have spoken to him about it his reaction was genuine and reassuring. So jealousy is not the issue for me-it is questioning his intentions regarding long term commitment. I do try to live the moment and take things day by day and not to focus too much on the future, living with a sense of humility, gratefullness for every joyfull moment granted to me. But this holiday news hurt me somehow...
He's going on holiday with a long term female friends, where they share the same room and the same bed? He hasn't introduced you to said female friend after 7 months?
No. I wouldn't like that at all.
Wtf is he playing at?
Honestly, being with someone 7 months would not stop me doing my usual things with friends.
If one of his best friends is female. Either deal with that or end the relationship if it makes you uncomfortable. He has made it clear he isnt going to ditch her. This will only cause problems further down the line.
If you are paying for the upcoming holiday, then he stands to lose nothing if your relationship peters out before then. Did you talk about this holiday beforehand and pick something together or was it your choice?
I think telling you about his next year's arrangement is him giving you a bit of a warning.
I imagine he doesn't feel comfortable with booking something for the two of you that is that far ahead. It doesn't mean he won't be with you or doesn't hope he'll still be with you, just that he's not prepared to make plans a year in advance based on a 7 month relationship.
He can still go on a holiday with friends alone and have you as a girlfriend, surely? The two things are not mutually exclusive. Perhaps if everything is still going strong nearer the time he will give you the option to come along.
I've been with my boyfriend for a year and just went on holiday with my friend (without him). He's planning a similar trip with his friends in October. We're going to Venice together in June.
Having a boyfriend doesn't mean you have to do everything together.
I can understand why he'd still want to go on holiday alone with friends, but struggle to get to grips with the bed sharing. Just why?
I wouldn't be happy about it either op, in fact I would take it as a cue that the relationship is less serious than you originally thought at the moment. Maybe if you can accept this and do lots of things for yourself but still have a good time with him, it will be ok and a couple of years down the line he wouldn't think of booking a holiday without you.
For me it would depend on my own situation whether I chose to wait and see or not.
it is questioning his intentions regarding long term commitment
He probably doesn't know his intentions yet. He's obviously happy right now, and that is enough for him.
Do you really want to be with a man who goes on holiday with and shares a bed with other women. Fuck the "we're just friends", that's completely disrespectful to you and he'll never change. Those are his boundaries.
As I said in another post upthread; he's offering a man share, not a relationship. If you're not happy to share him with other women, run.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.