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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH and drugs

51 replies

orchardroad · 12/05/2017 12:34

DH has gone abroad for a stag weekend. Just used his iPad and emails were open, saw a message from his friend saying 'you can ask a guy at xx bar about getting the cocaine'.

I'm 7 months pregnant and we have a 3 year old. When we were younger we did take drugs from time to time but now we have a family I just feel it's inappropriate. He's 37 and a managing director of a big compnay ffs.

I am also very worried about him cheating after taking cocaine.

Feel rubbish and let down.

OP posts:

Report

TheGrumpySquirrel · 12/05/2017 12:37

A family friend has just died from taking contaminated cocaine. Tell your DH he is gambling with his family's future.

Has he cheated before, too?

MyKingdomForBrie · 12/05/2017 12:38

Eish. Less changes for men when dc are introduced, so I guess the fact that you used to use them could make him feel like it's still ok to use them, especially away from the family.

I wouldn't ever touch class A's so I would be utterly horrified at this and absolutely raging, but in your case I guess I would clarify with him (unless you already have) that for you this is not ok now and you don't want him involved in this stuff, see how he reacts.

orchardroad · 12/05/2017 12:58

I have made it clear that I don't agree with it. I know he won't volunteer the information either; he might admit it if I ask him specifically. He sees these weekends as a release from life but I think you still need to remember your life back at home.

I have no evidence that he has cheated on me although i know that the group visit strip clubs. But I'm not sure what goes on there - just dances or more. They're all married with kids. It's depressing.

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 12/05/2017 13:38

I think it is "harder" in a sense to adopt a "I don't approve of you taking drugs" stance if it was something you used to do and used to do together. It's a bit like two couples who smoked, one stops and (quite rightly) nags the other to give up - but you knew that's what they were like etc.

It is a big jump from him taking cocaine to thinking he might cheat on you. I'd only think that if I had previous knowledge he had done this.

Cocaine is illegal. It can be contaminated. I don't understand why anyone takes it, whether they have a family or not. if you have both already agreed to give up drug use and he is going back on it, then you need to make it abundantly clear that this is now a deal breaker for you and what the consequence will be.

orchardroad · 12/05/2017 15:48

I see what you mean. However he would not be happy at all if I was away with friends and taking drugs. I wouldn't anyway. It's something I did very occasionally when I was young and I wouldn't want to do again. To be honest, having taken drug in the past, I feel even more strongly about why I don't want him still doing it although I appreciate that may seem strange or hypocritical.

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 12/05/2017 15:53

Bit like the most ardent anti-smokers tend to be ex-smokers

orchardroad · 12/05/2017 17:09

I see what you mean but I don't think you can compare smoking with drug use. It's the effects that the drugs will have on mh DH which is what I am concerned about.
Hence being concerned about cheating. Just feeling a bit let down now; I thought he could be respectful of me and my wishes especially now but he can't.

OP posts:

Offred · 12/05/2017 20:53

I don't think it matters remotely that the op used to do drugs TBH.

If he is one of those people who has failed to realise that having a drug habit is not acceptable to most people once you become a parent then he's a pretty poor parent.

But having said that, are you sure he's not just been told to pick up the drugs for someone else OP?

The drugs aside it sounds as though he is secretive in general and there is not an equal balance in your relationship.

orchardroad · 12/05/2017 22:21

Thank you offred. Wouldn't go so far to say he has a drug habit - it's very infrequent.

But he is secretive. There's no way that he won't be taking the drugs either. They all will be.

OP posts:

Offred · 12/05/2017 23:00

It's stressful and upsetting for you orchard, but at least you have some time to think on your own before he comes home.

Try not to spend all of that time anxiously obsessing over what he may or may not be doing and instead think about you.

A relationship with someone who is secretive like this and where there is an imbalance of freedom is not good for your soul.

What would your life look like without him in it?

mrelse173836423493274 · 12/05/2017 23:32

So. It was okay to do it when you both did it but now you don't want to do it and now that your outlook has changed it's very very wrong. He's just having a weekend away / blowout. It does not mean he is going to cheat AT ALL. Work out some kind of compromise because I know what it's like to be in a relationship where one person decides it's not okay to do something they both did together before.It leads to conflict. Ignore the whole drugs are bad people on here even though that's what you want to hear. If he's doing it every weekend or every night, yes it's a problem, but for christs sake cut him some slack.

mrelse173836423493274 · 12/05/2017 23:37

You sound like your feeling insecure and this is more about the worry of him cheating than anything else, which I can understand you are 7 months pregnant.

If he neglects his responsibilities. If he becomes an arse, if he's hungover when it's supposed to be family time, if what he's doing effect him and your families life then there is a problem but until then he's only doing what you did when you met. You've grown out of it, he hasn't.

Offred · 12/05/2017 23:45

No matter how you felt when you were young and child free I think most people, even if they don't have a problem with doing drugs, are at least aware that the majority of other people feel you shouldn't do them anymore once you have kids.

I do wish people would stop implying that the op has in some way misled her h or that she is some kind of fun ruiner.

Cocaine is a hard drug which is highly illegal and which can ruin lives. The OP is heavily pg. Is it really all that unreasonable that she is, like the vast majority of people, whether they did dugs when they were younger or not, anxious about this?

It would be the same to me if he was rock climbing or something else dangerous. It's irresponsible when you have people depending on you.

MyKingdomForBrie · 13/05/2017 00:01

ignore the whole 'drugs are bad' people on here

Oh yes that well known health food called cocaine.. drugs are dangerous and unregulated and they fuck with your life. They are bad. Simple.

When you have a spouse and kids you owe them at least enough respect to avoid the most obvious of life's pitfalls I think. I would want to give him an ultimatum OP but you could only do that if you were prepared to leave him over it (I would guess not, probably rightly) so your only answer really is trying to reason with him.

mrelse173836423493274 · 13/05/2017 00:02

My partner who is female likes Cocaine. I don't, never really have, have done it but I've got to a point where it's just not for me but it's her thing. She does it a few times a year, stays out until 6 am or comes back the next day if agreed. She is an amazing mum / person. She doesn't do it every week, I'd have a problem with that. Even though I don't like or am not a fan of the drug I let her do it because she likes it every now and then. It doesn't make her an irresponsible mum, she is an amazing mum. Lighten the fuck up everybody. Ooh and all my children are happy, loved, clever and in private school. I smoke weed too. My god, call social services now. I'm So irresponsible

MyKingdomForBrie · 13/05/2017 00:12

If you know and trust your source then I don't think occasional weed use is an issue. Cocaine could be cut with fuck knows what and is addictive, mood altering and also often (at the other end of the chain) funding gangs, weapons and wars. Not exactly much to 'lighten up' about.

Offred · 13/05/2017 00:21

I disagree, weed is stored in fat and is detectable in police blood tests for 30 days. Even if you only smoke once a month you have the drug in your system for the whole month.

It's nice that you are pleased that your children are all in private school....

But parental drug use is associated with negative outcomes for children, and yes that includes legal alcohol.

If you are caught with cocaine as a parent then you can expect people to see it as a problem.

I'd be willing to bet that you don't tell the school that you are both drug users? Probably because you know they would have a duty to report it as a safeguarding concern, and yes, I know people who have lost their children due to drug use.

You just get to feel all superior about your set up because nobody knows what you are really up to.

mrelse173836423493274 · 13/05/2017 00:24

Fair enough. We do trust the source and I suppose I wouldn't take random stuff from off the street. The OP's partner just seems to want to live a little for a weekend. Everything in life comes with some kind of risk. Showering, walking down the street, driving the list could go on. Once I've had children should I stop doing everything just in case. I could socially acceptable go out without eating and get too pissed and fall over. Should I never drink again or go on a nice walk where I MIGHT fall over and hit my head on a rock?

Offred · 13/05/2017 00:28

What a stupid thing to say!

mrelse173836423493274 · 13/05/2017 00:33

No I'm not pleased with myself but happy for my kids. There are 2 types of people on this board. For and against. I don't care what the against do but the against have so much to say about what the for do and I mean that they are sooooo judgemental. If a person or people have a drug problem then yes it's a problem but there are lots of people who can use drugs including alcohol responsibly. Just because the OP now thinks her partner shouldn't be doing it, he shouldn't be doing it. I've had the same issue with my partner and I bet maybe not now but one day the Op will find herself in a situation where she has some drugs again and like and behold it will be okay again just for that very moment when things take her away. If the OP and I'm talking to you OP takes any kind of drug again when you have young children, then say out loud to yourself I'm a hypocrite!

mrelse173836423493274 · 13/05/2017 00:37

Why would I tell the school I'm a drug user. Would I tell them I'm into S&M. It's nobodies business.As long as my children are cared for, which they are. I also like to wear women's silk underwear, should I disclose that to the school too.

Offred · 13/05/2017 00:49

Well obviously you wouldn't, would you? Because drug use is a safeguarding concern that the school would report to SS.

This is the part you are mistaking for 'judgemental' in the 'against' people.

Maybe you should think a little about why parents who are drug users is a safeguarding concern and if you find that you think this is unfair advocate for change with people who matter rather than getting all arsey on the thread of a pregnant woman who is feeling vulnerable and anxious.

mrelse173836423493274 · 13/05/2017 00:57

Yes she is feeling vulnerable and anxious but does that mean we should pander to her. I've acknowledged that but the 1st few responses were about how terrible he is and how irresponsible, just to make her feel better. Her last sentence which is the main thing I picked up on was how he is more likely to cheat. The op is feeling insecure. I don't personally think it's about drugs it's about the fact that she is insecure but I just didn't feel like sitting here listening to people drug bashing. The OP's husband seems to be a stable person, not that I know anything, he's just away on a stag night and being a bit naughty. Actually. What am I saying....LTB OP.

Offred · 13/05/2017 00:59

No, it means you should maybe try to avoid making her thread all about you.

HTH

troodiedoo · 13/05/2017 01:01

Is he buying the coke here or abroad? Either way, bit risky.

A friend of mine was put in a coma with organ failure due to an occasional use of coke.

All you can do is tell him how you feel though

Flip

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