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To say " I Do" ???

(36 Posts)
Confused1983 Tue 09-May-17 14:58:41

OK, I really need some advice here as im not sure whats wrong with me. Ive name changed as I don't want anyone to recognise me. Ill also try not to drip feed.

Ive been with DP for 8 years. We have a lovely relationship, get on well, don't argue much and raise our 5 year old DS great. We agree on things like money , morals , how we raise DS and to family and friends we look happy.

Nearly 1 year ago we got engaged and we threw ourselves into the wedding plans. So far so good...

Then the end of March , Like a switch (which I desperately didn't want to click) I started to feel different... im not sure I want to get married or be with him at all. He is loyal and caring, hardworking and respectful but there's no spark... at all. I was in love with him for years (felt really lucky to have him) and that was enough and all of a sudden its like a flame has literally been blown out. He has never been in love with me in the way I wanted ( ive no doubt he loves me) . He isn't the cuddly type and doesn't say much where as im quite the other way but I know he would be a wonderful husband.

I cant work out if im having some kind of mid life crisis (im 34 btw) whether its some sort of weird pre wedding jitters or if the engagement has made me realise that as much as we get on we aren't right to marry each other???? Im so confused. I don't want to ruin my sons life by asking his dad to move out if 3 months down the line that switch just flies back on and I want him back again and its too late.

For those of you that are married, what type of feelings does your marriage consist of? Are you still "in love" or is it more of a friendship? Am I thinking of throwing something good away because ive got bored? I just don't know. As I said im 34 and surely the spark is still supposed to be there before you marry or after 8 years is this normal?

Before someone asks, this is nothing to do with another man, my head hasn't been turned or anything like that.

Any advice would be appreciated as this is really eating me up. He is a wonderful man, my son is very happy and DP gives us a lovely life, these feelings are very new. Im so confused...

TheNaze73 Tue 09-May-17 15:36:35

I can't see the point in being with someone you have no spark with. You've done the right thing taking your time, as this has proven.
Get out whilst you can & live. You only get one go at life

Confused1983 Tue 09-May-17 15:46:56

Thankyou for replying, it just seems so sad that two people will be unhappy because my feelings have changed x

Paperdove87 Tue 09-May-17 16:34:25

I've been with my DH for 12 years, married for 7 of them. I've come to realise that my feelings for him seem to go in a cycle. Every so often I feel like I've fallen completely out of love with him, find myself wondering if I should ever have married him, can't find it in me to want to have any physical contact etc etc.

And then it passes and I'm back in love with him again and everything is great. To me it's just part of being in a very long term monogamous relationship. I've never had those feelings last for more than a few weeks.

How far off the wedding are you? Could it just be commitment nerves? Have you ever been this close to committing to marriage before/felt like this about anyone else?

stumblymonkeyreturns Tue 09-May-17 16:43:10

I believe the 'spark' isn't the be all and end all. I think we're conditioned to expect it and it's actually pretty unlikely that we'll meet someone and have that spark with them for the rest of our lives.

IMO there are two types of people: those that accept the spark isn't everything and that there is so much more to a loving relationship for life than that and those that don't and have multiple relationships over their lifetime.

There is no right and wrong just knowing which person you are?

JellyBean31 Tue 09-May-17 17:11:42

He has never been in love with me in the way I wanted
I wonder if this is the crux of it all. As the wedding draws closer you are assessing whether you want to commit the rest of your life to someone who hasn't loved you in the way you want.

Have you spoken to your fiancé about this? It doesn't have to be a straight choice right now between shut up & put up or end everything altogether.

How about postponing the wedding? that might give you an indication if its pre-nuptial jitters or something more deep seated.

Hermonie2016 Tue 09-May-17 17:15:16

Have you enjoyed the wedding planning or are you finding it stressful?

I think relationships go through dips but aconcern is you feel he's never been in love with you.What has made you feel like that?

If you still have doubts could you go away for a few days and see how you feel if the absence.

Confused1983 Wed 10-May-17 11:22:18

Thankyou for your replies. Paperdove, thankyou for that very honest answer too it helps a lot :-)
To answer a few of your questions I was enjoying the wedding planning, for the first few months I was really excited. I sort of knew that a marriage wouldn't be full of passion and "cant wait to get to the bedroom sex" but it just seems to have disappeared and we are not even married yet.

He is an amazing guy, good looking, loyal, respectful and secure (everything you would want in a husband).
He isn't capable of showing his feelings even if he was in love with me because he isn't that kind of guy. Its never been an issue as I was so happy to have such a lovely bloke but I don't know if I can go forever feeling " unloved". But he does show me he loves me in other ways, is always so supportive. Im preying my feelings for him come back but ive always known there was an issue. We spoke in the past (about 4 years ago) and half agreed that we probably wouldn't still be together if it wasn't for our son but that we wanted the best for him and as we got on so well we would work at it. It seems such a mess. My family love him, our son is happy and im scared ill make a huge mistake if I leave him but I dont feel sure about what I want for the rest of my life.

The strangest thing is that ive spent 8 years wanting him/ marriage and it just disappeared overnight.

AtrociousCircumstance Wed 10-May-17 11:32:00

So when you had that chat he sort of agreed, so perhaps he feels the same way?

It doesn't sound like you've ever had the love you need (in terms of someone being communicative and expressive about their feelings). That's a lot to do without for the remainder of your life.

No one is perfect of course, but you are entitled to decide whether or not what you have now is enough for you.

LesisMiserable Wed 10-May-17 11:48:29

I understand implicitly how you feel. I smell a fellow commitment phobe who has bimbled along quite nicely hankering after something that (thankfully!!) has never arisen. Now its here, shit got real, what if the grass is greener.... clue. It usually isnt but the feeling that the gate to the next field is closing in front of your eyes is scary. Are you scared you're settling for someone you don't fancy? Is it the age old sex v comfy life conundrum?

Confused1983 Wed 10-May-17 12:52:48

It could be the old "sex v comfy life conundrum"
I didn't think I was a commitment phobe but maybe I am? (we do have a house and a son together)
Its not so much the sex, but some attention would be nice. A cuddle (without me initiating it) I have asked him about 20 times over the last 8 years why he loves me and he just says "cos I do", I don't think he knows why either.
I want everything he can offer me (loyalty, security) but I also want a spark, I don't know if im being unrealistic "wanting a spark" but I feel like im too young to know ill never have one again. Is that really the reason to split up with a wonderful man or am I being an ungrateful fool.
I don't want to spend my life going from partner to partner, I want someone just like him, but who I fancy.... Ive always fancied him, I want to fancy him again. He hasn't done anything different at all to bring this on. Im scared if I tell him im not sure he will take any decision away from me and finish it.

LesisMiserable Wed 10-May-17 13:22:12

Commitment is rarely about the house and the child and the dog etc its always, always about the spark, in my opinion.

LesisMiserable Wed 10-May-17 13:29:32

My experience: I was married to my exh we had a millionaire lifestyle (he still does, its his money), the child etc but the spark had gone. I'm now two months off marrying my DP who I find hugely sexy, he's lovely etc but now we've set a date little things are starting to annoy me about him I think its called wedding jitters...BUT the difference is I do fancy him and he fancies me. With my exh that had already worn off by the wedding but it was comfortable,,I loved him. Should we have got married? Maybe not. Do I feel guilty for doing it anyway and then leaving him? Yes, to him and my daughter every day. Could I have stayed with him and been happy? No. I didnt cheat on exh and left him well before I met DP but I knew I couldn't play out the rest of my days in a marriage of convenience as it were.

TempusEedjit Wed 10-May-17 13:38:57

You say he is loyal and caring, hardworking and respectful. Does that make him wonderful? For me they are all qualities that I could be proud of in a friend or a parent or a sibling, heck even my boss! However as your life partner your DP needs to bring something more to the table with regard to your relationship otherwise there's nothing to set him apart from anyone else in your life. So affection, cuddles, sex etc. how difficult would it be really for him to give you a hug if he knows how much it means to you?

You say he is caring, in what way does he show that?

Confused1983 Wed 10-May-17 14:10:40

Thankyou both :-) he shows he cares by making sure I have what I need, has never shown jealousy, never raised his voice to me , will pick a can on my favourite drink up for me on the way home from work. ect.. stuff like that .

I was quite ill a few years ago and he sat with me every second of every day , through the night to make sure I wasn't alone, he works his socks off for us too.

If he was to turn round and tell me he wanted to be amazing friends but split up I would be so happy with that but it would hurt him so much and I would loose his friendship for sure if I ended it.

Lesis, thankyou for your take on things that's a lovely ending for you :-) Maybe wedding jitters are real? Im thinking I need to sit this out and see if I still feel the same in a few months time. I still think he is amazing (I just don't fancy him) he unfortunately doesn't think im that amazing I don't think but he thinks im a nice person and a good mum and I think that's enough for him. Also, because he doesn't ever show his feelings im not sure what his real feelings are for me, it seems he isn't in love though.

LesisMiserable Wed 10-May-17 14:21:15

I really really really strongly advise you against marrying someone you dont fancy BUT I get that its so hard to work out all the pros and cons because he sounds like a great partner (apart from the fancying/non demonstrative side). Eek its such a common thing hence affairs sadly .

Confused1983 Wed 10-May-17 14:32:37

Aw Lesis, its all that's on my mind. I know I cant marry someone who I don't fancy, it isn't fair on him or me. Im just hoping this will pass and my feelings will come back soon... But.. I have an awful feeling they wont :-( Thankyou for your advice xx

TempusEedjit Wed 10-May-17 14:44:47

When are you getting married? (sorry if I've missed that bit of info). As you nearly separated before and you both seem to like rather than love each other would you merely be delaying the inevitable by not splitting up now?

I am not suggesting LTB as you have a child together. But maybe postpone the wedding and in the meantime make sure you have legalities in place e.g wills etc to make sure you're not left vulnerable especially if you're a SAHM.

FWIW I had pre-wedding jitters and 3 years on I still feel unsettled in my marriage despite DH being truly lovely. But I don't have DC of my own to consider.

Confused1983 Wed 10-May-17 15:00:03

The wedding isn't until next spring so we just got the Church, hotel . cars and photographer booked so far and haven't got to pay anymore money out until December. We didn't nearly split up before, we just had a conversation ( it started light hearted) where we both admitted it might not have worked without DS.
1 minute the thought of leaving him makes me want to cry, but the thought of him leaving me makes me feel relieved. I think its over but I just don't want to hurt him or DS. Whats so confusing is that it went away over night (me being in love with him) - what if I leave and it comes back? I know I cant guess whats going to and not going to happen.

TempusEedjit Wed 10-May-17 15:15:07

Oh I see, I took the conversation re: working at it as more pivotal than it was.

You say you wanted marriage for 8 years, what finally prompted your DP to propose? Could you postpone/cancel the wedding and just carry on as you are for now? Is counselling an option?

Are you sure nothing happened at the end of March to trigger your feelings? Not as in having your head turned, but even something as silly as watching a romcom and feeling sad that your DP doesn't show you affection. Or unconsciously comparing yourself to a loved up friend?

Blomme Wed 10-May-17 15:27:56

I'm in a similar situation but I'm afraid I don't have any answers. We wouldn't be together if it wasn't for our child and I often feel sad that I'm not with someone who feels that I'm amazing. Instead he's making the best of things (his words). I don't know what will change things... maybe if we have a long run of not getting on or one of us meets someone.. but that would be painful. Perhaps, as others have said, postpone the wedding and seek concealing?

Confused1983 Wed 10-May-17 15:56:00

Tempus, DP proposed because it was "the next step" and he knew it was something I wanted. Nothing happened in march to my knowledge, unless it did and triggered something without me knowing :-( Blokes every now and then show an interest (even though DP doesn't) but ive never thought that anyone comes even close to him, and have never had my head turned. I do have friends that are in a "loved up " relationship but also have friends in abusive relationships and understand how lucky I am.

Blomme, it sounds very similar. The issue is I don't want us to get to the point where we hurt each other to try to push a separation. Ive been very much in love with him since march, ive always been ok about him not being in love with me as long as he was with me and our son.


Confused1983 Wed 10-May-17 15:58:25

I meant to add to that blomme, Im not in love with him anymore and its a big contrast to how I felt just a few months ago.
I just want to know if everyone that's happily married is still "in love"
Its confusing me that some people aren't but are still happy?

Thanks both x

shyturnip Wed 10-May-17 16:26:17

Maybe you need a bit of space and time to rebalance your relationship.

From what you've written, it sounds as though you were the pursuer of the relationship and now that you're finally at the "finishing post", something has kicked in and you're not sure whether you actually want him or whether it was about the thrill of the chase.

How quickly did you move through the stages of your relationship and who was the main instigator?

When you say you've never felt loved in the way you want, does that mean your levels of passion for each other was unbalanced? I.e. he went along with your feelings of passion but didn't match them himself?

You have my sympathies OP. A passionless relationship can be soul destroying. I hope you manage to work things out flowers

shyturnip Wed 10-May-17 16:28:01

X posted with your last update. Slow fingers!

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