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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

To have no idea how to sort this...

60 replies

coconuttella · 13/04/2017 06:24

... On Tuesday my DH and I went to the cinema with my aunt, uncle, 4 cousins and partners for my aunt's birthday. As we went in to the film, my uncle suggested to my DH that he might like to sit on the end of the row.

My DH immediately lost it and told my uncle in no uncertain terms that he was a family member too, why should he be relegated to the end of the row, and wouldn't listen when my uncle said that wasn't what he meant. My cousins tried to mollify him but he was having none of it, and he stormed out. In shock I followed and we went home.

I was in shock at this and felt cross with my DH for creating a scene as I believe he had probably misread the situation as I believed the only reason my uncle had asked him whether he'd like to sit on the end was that he was tall and therefore could stretch out a bit.

On the way to the train my DH sensed that I wasn't in full support of his actions, and he told me I was being disloyal to him for not standing up for him in the cinema (although i hadn't said anything in support of my uncle and had left with him). I said that I thought my uncle hadn't meant to marginalise him but was probably just suggesting he sat there for his long legs (as it would have been really out of character for him to marginalise him like that). He was then even more angry that I had apparently tried to minimise it by providing an excuse for my uncle, and that I always side with the family over him (even though I'm not related to half of them). He's furious that I've apparently chosen my uncle (and by implication my family) over him, and that I found it difficult to believe that my uncle was trying to exclude him from the group. He has told me that he felt abandoned by my lack of support and that effectively our relationship is over.

We've slept (not so much sleeping on my part!) apart for the past 2 nights. I'm devastated as I love him. It's only 7 months since our marriage and we have a 2 year old girl together. what can I do? Everything I say makes it worse. My sister's marriage split last year and I desperately don't want that to happen to me.

OP posts:

Report

WateryTart · 13/04/2017 06:32

My sister's marriage split last year and I desperately don't want that to happen to me.

Why do you want to be with this awful man? Get out while you can, he's vile.

lazydog · 13/04/2017 06:37

Holy crap - he sounds unhinged! In our family, the aisle seat at the cinema is the one everyone wants! Sounds like your uncle was just trying to be nice. And your husband's response - totally bizarre.

Shoxfordian · 13/04/2017 06:39

Does he usually overreact like this? Is he usually this aggressive over small issues? This seems like part of a pattern not a one off argument

If he generally does act like this then you're probably better off without him anyway

bigchris · 13/04/2017 06:39

Your poor uncle

Borntoflyinfirst · 13/04/2017 06:41

This can't be a standalone event. He must have had a problem with feeling like this in the past?? Either that or he has made a mountain out of a molehill because he's looking for an excuse to have a massive fight and break up the marriage.

WipsGlitter · 13/04/2017 06:41

There has to be more to it than this!

coconuttella · 13/04/2017 06:50

Yes, there have been tensions in that the family annoy him. Personality clashes really that bubble under surface with this being the eruption.

OP posts:

LaContessaDiPlump · 13/04/2017 06:53

I think he's looking for a way out OP - that's too much of an over-reaction otherwise.

Bananamanfan · 13/04/2017 06:56

You did support him, op. You left with him.

coconuttella · 13/04/2017 06:57

I'm the bad guy for not seeing this fully from his perspective. By suggesting that my uncle have been misunderstood, I'm not in his side, have shown where my loyalties lie, and am 'one of them'. Am I being disloyal and unsupportive?

OP posts:

Pollydonia · 13/04/2017 06:57

That is not a normal reaction. He is unhinged.
Why do you want to stay with a man who is so volatile? This isn't a one off, is it ?

AyeAmarok · 13/04/2017 07:06

Do you think your husband would prefer it if you didn't see your family much anymore?

coconuttella · 13/04/2017 07:15

It's not every day, but not atypical either.

It's like things develop from something without any way to stop it.... from a comment about seats to marriage being over. Every thing I say just escalates it to another level of anger... I try to calm things and I'm minimising. I try to respond and I inevitably get tripped up by something I say, however carefully I try and say it, and the situation escalates further. Usually there's no way out until things calm down and I apologise, which I feel bad for doing but feel I need to take the blame for things to move on.

OP posts:

coconuttella · 13/04/2017 07:16

Do you think your husband would prefer it if you didn't see your family much anymore?
Oh yes!

OP posts:

Hissy · 13/04/2017 07:19

Have you asked him what's really going on under the surface?

How is he otherwise? Any changes recently? Phone use? Comings and goings?

ems137 · 13/04/2017 07:19

I think this is just some kind of control thing from your husband. If actually go so far to say he is being abusive to be honest.

It's up to you how you deal with it but I can't see your husband getting any better if you just keep going along with his bullshit.

MsGameandWatch · 13/04/2017 07:22

It's going to be a long and difficult life if you spend it being berated by some controlling and unhinged man over imaginary slights because you're terrified your marriage is going to break up.

bittapitta · 13/04/2017 07:22

This is NOT normal and you've been conditioned by him to think that maybe it is somehow. He says your relationship is over, well good, take him at his word, don't buy into the drama and mind games and say fine, split up.

bittapitta · 13/04/2017 07:23

Have you thought about what your uncle and other family must think of him and how they would support you if you split from him?

DancingLedge · 13/04/2017 07:25

Apart from your side of the family stuff, does this feel like a relationship where having differing opinions on things is OK, an interesting part of being two people, or is it one where you're supposed to have a united front/ toe the party line?j

OhTheRoses · 13/04/2017 07:25

So he wants to stop you seeing your family and control you more by belittling you. Huge red flag op. Pack and go home.

tellywelly · 13/04/2017 07:27

You might expect this behaviour from a 5 year old...

Is he generally selfish? What a rubbish thing to do on your Aunt's birthday.

It's deliberately picking a fight. Why?

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thatdearoctopus · 13/04/2017 07:35

You cannot sort this out.
Best-case scenario, he's ridiculously sensitive and you'll spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells trying to anticipate potential slights (which you'll fail at, because who on Earth could have predicted that one?)
Worst-cast scenario, he's a controlling psychopath, and you'll spend the rest of your life in fear and misery.
Either way, get the hell out now, before he ruins you.

Hissy · 13/04/2017 07:49

If he hasn't got a proper reason for this personality transplant, you need to accept that this is who he is.

If this is the case, it only gets worse.

The sooner you leave him, the less harm it will do you and your dd.

Whatever the cause of this anger, you absolutely don't have to live with it.

Put it another way, if your marriage is going to tank, better to tank sooner rather than later.

Out of interest did he change in personality at all when were pregnant? Or when you had your dd?

NewPurrs5 · 13/04/2017 07:56

Get out get out get out.

Why on earth did you marry him? He sounds like giant controlling manchild. Your poor family love you and want to see you, they're probably desperately worried he's going to put a stop to that.

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