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First date

(53 Posts)
Tiredbutnotyetretired Thu 06-Apr-17 11:50:53

So last night i met the man who has been persistant in getting my number and has told anyone who will listen how much he likes me.
We met last year but ive been in and out of an extremely psycologically abusive relationship where i was gaslighted, put down, taken for granted, used and triangulated with just about any woman on this planet.
I have a strong support group of a few friends and family i can talk to so this had helped me just about keep my head above water and stay sane. Anyway we broke up a few days ago and (i know this may sound terrible) i contacted this man whom ive been keeping at arms length because i didnt want to lead him on or cause myself any confusion. I contacted him just to chat to take my mind off the pain of all the shit i'd been through and the imminent anxiety attacks, and tbh i really do quite like him so thought it would b harmless chatting and easy banter which it always is whenever i have spoken to him.
I was shocked to realize just how pushy he would be and he has talked me into a date, which my friends have encouraged so i thought great just relax , get to know the guy and see how the night goes.
He didnt actually invite me on a propper date just invite round to his house which was fine with me as i liked the idea of just relaxing together getting to know each other a bit by talking etc.
He was very attentive and kind and i fancy the pants off him so it was lovely conpany but a few things have concerned me nut i dont know if its a genuine red flag or my own mind because of all the previous abuse?
Firstly he was commenting on people on the tv (how pretty/ugly they were) i didnt like it at all and found it superficial and not things you would say when you first meet someone new? The next thing that concerned me was that he made a sweeping statement that he was a 'boob' man, which i also found unnecessary on a first 'date' and indicated to me that he seems superficial and cant see past peoples looks, can i also add that i do not have large breasts and they are a little deflated from childbirth.
Am i worrying too much? Am i looking for abusive traits? Were there red flags to be seen? Please give me your opinion because im so worried about ending up in another situation like last time.
I really dont want to rush into anything too soon and i thought maybe slowly get to know each other but he was also quite pushy sexually asking for sex etc which i told him no.

LesisMiserable Thu 06-Apr-17 11:52:57

Slowly getting to know someone isnt having a first date at their home. If that's isnt obvious to you, you need to hold off for some time yet.

Shoxfordian Thu 06-Apr-17 11:55:28

Was it really lovely company? Making misogynistic comments and being "pushy sexually"?! Wouldn't see him again if I were you

pocketsaviour Thu 06-Apr-17 11:56:35

I would NEVER go to a man's house unless I was prepared to have sex with him. I'm concerned that you're taking big risks and apparently can't recognise some very obvious red flags in this guy.

Sack off anything to do with dating for now. Concentrate on your recovery and make sure you do the Freedom Programme so you don't end up going from a Grade 8 abuser to a Grade 6.

Tiredbutnotyetretired Thu 06-Apr-17 11:58:12

Ok i realise maybe it was too soon to go to his home and im a bit regretful now. I was nieve to think we would be watching a movie, couple of drinks, talking, and maybe a kiss nearer the end of the night. Oh god i am my own worst enemy but thank you for replies x

Tiredbutnotyetretired Thu 06-Apr-17 11:59:42

Ok, my gut is saying to back off too. Far too soon, what can i say to him? To create distance/let him down gently until im ready? X

FerdinandsRevenge Thu 06-Apr-17 12:01:28

He's a dick op. Avoid completely.

FerdinandsRevenge Thu 06-Apr-17 12:02:33


prepared to have sex with him

It's not a contract you know. That's an awful way of looking at things

Tiredbutnotyetretired Thu 06-Apr-17 12:02:40

How to get rid of him then? X

Cricrichan Thu 06-Apr-17 12:03:11

Jeez. Stay away. He sounds awful.

Cricrichan Thu 06-Apr-17 12:04:11

Just tell him you're not interested next time he contacts you.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Thu 06-Apr-17 12:06:16

Play him at his own superficial game. Choose the most exclusive place in town and tell him you want to be taken there to be wined and dined then dropped back home - alone. . Bet he runs. .

FerdinandsRevenge Thu 06-Apr-17 12:10:59

"Sorry don't think we're suited, good luck"

FerdinandsRevenge Thu 06-Apr-17 12:11:11

Anything else and he will keep pushing

boredonajourney Thu 06-Apr-17 12:18:18

OP - don't make it so easy and never give off the wrong vibe by going to his house. If he wants to take you on a date then he should make an effort, frankly, especially knowing what you've been through. Also you are absolutely right to see a red flag in the comments he made about women on the TV and being a "boob man". It's shallow and he sounds a bit dense tbh. All the hallmarks of a potential tosser already - on a first meeting. Well done that man! hmm
Give yourself some time. Trust your gut feeling and don't compromise yourself with fools. flowers

Tiredbutnotyetretired Thu 06-Apr-17 12:19:28

Shit! We were really kissing alot and he was really pushing to take things further i didnt do anything sexual i told him no but there was obviously chemistry. What about if i just say i dont feel ready but i had a lovely night? God i feel like ive lead him on and we have lots of mutual friends, i feel ashamed!

LonginesPrime Thu 06-Apr-17 12:25:15

OP, the biggest worry I have about your posts is the fact that you're not sure how to get rid of this guy, as if you need to convince him to leave you alone as otherwise you'll have not choice but to succumb to him.

It's your decision whether you see him again, not his!

You haven't led anyone on and don't let him (or anything unresolved issues in your own head) tell you otherwise.

Just get rid, and take some time to work on yourself and your own assertiveness and to establish in your own head what's normal and acceptable (clue: not this dude).

FerdinandsRevenge Thu 06-Apr-17 12:28:22

"Led him on"

To what?!? You went spend time with him and he acted like a twat and put you off. That's all on him.

LonginesPrime Thu 06-Apr-17 12:30:43

we have lots of mutual friends

Also, if your friends are like him, get better friends.

It's no wonder you can't see the wood for the trees if you're surrounded by people like this.

boredonajourney Thu 06-Apr-17 12:32:12

Don't feel ashamed at all! You didn't have sex with him and if you felt chemistry with him then it's your decision.
I just think start as you mean to go on. If you let him make no effort in the beginning, imagine what he would be like in 5 years. People can only treat you badly if you let them. It's easier said than done, I know, when you want to see the positives in someone. Meeting in a public place is usually safer and let's you talk without any "trying it on" etc, so that's s good place to start.
Congrats on escaping the ex btw.

Tiredbutnotyetretired Thu 06-Apr-17 12:33:01

He did something (to himself) when i wouldnt give into his sexual demands, i was taken aback and shocked tbh, never experienced this before fgs!!

Sugarpiehoneyeye Thu 06-Apr-17 12:38:41

OP, you are riding on the back of the devil.
You made a wrong move.
You need time out. You do not need to jump straight into another relationship. By all means go out with your friends, give yourself time, relax, enjoy your new found freedom. Jumping in at the deep end, will not work.
Walk away now. This man didn't want to get to know you, he wanted to jump your bones.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Thu 06-Apr-17 12:39:52

There you go, he is a full weight tosser. ☹️

TheNaze73 Thu 06-Apr-17 12:42:34

I agree with all the above.

He just wants to fuck you

lookatmenow Thu 06-Apr-17 12:46:04

You know what to do yourself. you don't need a bunch of us on here confirming it. You are a strong woman and need to give yourself sometime to find it in yourself of what you want in a relationship and how you want that to play out rather than rushing in meeting knew people who YOU are trying to please rather than pleasing yourself.

Stay away from, be blunt or be diplomatic it's up to you, but don't get into anything with this man yet until you are stronger in what you want and need FROM HIM not the the way round

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