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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Bf went out without telling me and didn't message until 3 a.m!

70 replies

Yorkshirebornandbred · 01/04/2017 04:31

Is anyone still up? I can't sleep and feel so sad. Last few weeks have been rubbish, huge relationship problems on top of lots of other problems. Tonight my boyfriend went out without warning - we usually keep each other informed of our intentions. I sat waiting for him for hours. We spend most evenings together. He texted me at 9.30 to say he's at a friends, he'd text when he got home then I didn't hear anything until nearly 3 when he texted to say he'd drunk far too much. He doesn't usually drink. I'm so upset. My ex did this .. disappeared all night without telling me where he was and I've spent far too many nights waiting and crying. I can't do that again .. and yet I love this man so much. I'm insecure and very depressed anyway. I just can't cope with this as well. I've messaged him (far too much) and he's not replying, either his phone is off or he's asleep. . But not at home. Sorry for the rant .. I'm beside myself and just need distracting or someone to put it in perspective. It's not ok is it? He doesn't normally do this ...

OP posts:

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picklemepopcorn · 01/04/2017 04:37

SuperPug · 01/04/2017 04:43

- I will also lob some cake your way. Sorry, do you live together?
That is a silly thing to do - but it doesn't make him automatically guilty of cheating etc. TBH, DH's phone has died before on a night out and he's been back later than expected. It's also difficult to get out of pattern of behaviour/ thought from an ex.
Night is always the worst time to mull things over, they seem even worse for a weird reason?
Perhaps make it a priority to speak to him about relationship issues and move forward from there?

Yorkshirebornandbred · 01/04/2017 04:52

No we don't live together, he's just over the road though.

I don't think he'd cheat on me but he also didn't tell me who he's with.

I've no cake in the house

OP posts:

Yorkshirebornandbred · 01/04/2017 04:53

His phone hadn't died .. he was able to text at 3. He just didn't think to let me know and it's not like him.

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BusterGonad · 01/04/2017 05:37

You knew he was out with friends, and you don't live together, I'm really sorry op but I think you need to look at your own issues, I'm not sure he's done anything terribly wrong. You should've just gone to bed and left him to enjoy his evening.

Yorkshirebornandbred · 01/04/2017 05:39

Normally he texts several times an evening. And he doesn't go out, ever. It's not normal for him, even if it is for others. I would do the same .. tell him where I'm going, ask if he's ok or tell him I love him occasionally.

He's usually at mine every evening.

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BusterGonad · 01/04/2017 05:49

He probably needed a bit of space, if you are going through a bad patch he probably just wanted a evening without contact to forget about everything for a few hours. When I'm out with my friends I don't really text my husband and he doesn't text me, we leave each other to enjoy ourselves with our friends but if you BOTH normally do then I'm guessing he needed space.

Yorkshirebornandbred · 01/04/2017 05:51

He could have told me.

Never mind, it just hurt, really hurt. We'd had such a nice evening last night, he stayed the night. It's out of character to do this.

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BusterGonad · 01/04/2017 05:53

Oh I see, it wasn't after having a argument or anything?

Yorkshirebornandbred · 01/04/2017 05:58

No. Last night was lovely. We'd talked through everything over the days before, last night he stayed, as far as I was concerned everything was ok.

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BusterGonad · 01/04/2017 06:10

Does he normally text you to keep YOU happy? Does he actually enjoy letting you know where he is, what time he'll be back etc. I'm only asking as to me it sounds a little bit controlling. I obviously do not know you and can only take from your original post, but I personally like a bit more freedom in a relationship. E.g if I'm all day and my husband knows where I am, I will text him when I'm in my way home, I do this because I'm driving and generally if I'm out all day it's a long drive, so for me it's a safety thing. If he's out with a friend then he might text but generally I leave him to it. I think it could be worth you both sitting down and discussing what level of texting etc would make you both happy. From what I can see maybe it's too much for your BF. You must remember he isn't your ex so don't project the same feelings into him.

Yorkshirebornandbred · 01/04/2017 06:13

No! He literally never goes out. And when he's working he texts all the time, a constant update. We both do. I've never asked him to. And if I don't text for a couple of hours he'll text me asking if everything's ok ...

I think you're wrong. Sorry. You dont know us though.

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BusterGonad · 01/04/2017 06:16

I think I'm wrong too, maybe there is something in his mind....or maybe it's simply down to the one simple thing that causes so many arguments....booze. Too much booze!

Yorkshirebornandbred · 01/04/2017 06:25

He never drinks usually. He has liver problems so can't drink

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BusterGonad · 01/04/2017 06:27

I'm don't know what to say then, just talk to him. He might be upset about something, or have something on his mind.

iwishiwasrichandthin · 01/04/2017 06:35

I think you reaction is a bit OTT. He had a night out, big deal. You'll smother him with this behaviour and it won't have positive results, that I promise you.

Constant updates, really. Ffs why don't you go the whole way and get him a tracker!

Lessthanaballpark · 01/04/2017 06:39

It sounds as if your relationship is very claustrophobic. Him texting his whereabouts every 5 minutes is something that you've come to expect but is too much IMO.

This is the moment in your relationship where both of you need some space and stop expecting so much from each other.

Just try to relax and line up some evenings without him. If you get all squinky now you'll ruin things for sure.

MoominMamma3 · 01/04/2017 06:46

I think the point the OP is trying to make is that her BF didn't tell her he was going out and just didn't contact her all night. If he had said "I'm out with friends tonight so won't be in touch much" I think OP would've been fine with that, it's just that he didn't bother to say. That's at least what I've understood.

If that's the case OP I get you.

Yorkshirebornandbred · 01/04/2017 06:48

It's not claustrophobic. . We're both insecure and it helps us both and suits us both.

If i'd known he was going to be out if have planned accordingly. As it was I spent all night waiting to hear from him, to see him, because that is the norm for us. We may not live together, but we might as well as we spend all our time together, quite happill.

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MrsELM21 · 01/04/2017 06:53

That's a lot of texting! But if he was up to anything untoward then he wouldn't have text you at 3am, what did the 3am text say?

I think everything is fine, it just seems like he was enjoying a night out to me

wannabestressfree · 01/04/2017 06:54

Planned accordingly how? Sorry he sounds an idiot for binge drinking with a liver problem but he did let you know what he was doing just not constantly.....

Relationship whether it suits you or not does sound claustrophobic :/

BusterGonad · 01/04/2017 07:03

It does to me too Wanna, claustrophobic and very fragile.

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HappyJanuary · 01/04/2017 07:12

It might be unusual for him to go out, and to drink, but that doesn't mean he isn't allowed to do it occasionally.

He text at 9.30 to say he wouldn't be over as he was out, and at 3 to let you know he was home.

Either he received an impromptu invitation, or he arranged it because he's feeling a bit stifled. If the latter, the way to assuage any doubts is not to come down hard.

whirlygirly · 01/04/2017 07:15

Are you both very young? I can't picture this set up at all. Is it usual for you to see each other in the evenings then him just go home over the road?

If all of your energy is invested in him, you make yourself way too vulnerable when these things happen. He hasn't done much wrong other than be a bit inconsiderate.

If I texted all day at work (chance would be a fine thing) I'd lose my job. Be careful of that too. If your work isn't stimulating enough maybe look for something new where you can meet others and expand your horizons a bit. Just some suggestions.

Yorkshirebornandbred · 01/04/2017 07:26

No he wasn't home at 3 a.m. He still isn't home .. I know because my earlier whatsapp messages haven't been delivered so he's no WiFi.

I don't really care whether it's claustrophobic for you, it suits us both. He texts me constantly. We're not young, but we have both been lonely and insecure and we help each other. We also love each other intensely.

The fact is it's out of character for him.

And yes he is foolish to drink with a liver problem. He NEVER drinks otherwise .. not even a glaas of wine now and then.

It's ok, I don't need more answers, judging our relationship. I'm just worried ... and hurt because if i'd done this he'd be very upset.

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