Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Boyfriend getting a female lodger aibu?

(74 Posts)
VIX1307 Fri 24-Mar-17 19:12:55

My boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years. He has had his own place now for over a year after his flatmate moved out. AIBU to be upset that he is now getting a female lodger in before asking me? He said hes doing it to help her out (its a girl he knows very distantly through a friend) as she is in the area for work. I told him i was upset that he would be happy for her to move in before asking me to move in. He said it was because the extra money would be nice and he wouldnt ask me for rent (despite me being perfectly happy to pay it) i am upset about it but im worried im being unreasonable by doing so. I would really appreciate your thoughts and if im being completely ridiculous. hmm

Universitychallenging Fri 24-Mar-17 19:13:56

Do you live with him full time ?

00100001 Fri 24-Mar-17 19:14:28

I think that if he isn't ready from r you two to live together after two years.... Then he's not ready.

How old are you both?

VIX1307 Fri 24-Mar-17 19:15:06

No i still live at home but would love nothing more than to take the relationship to the next stage and move in together

VIX1307 Fri 24-Mar-17 19:15:46

He is 34 and i am 29

BakerBear Fri 24-Mar-17 19:16:01

I wouldnt like it. Dh wouldnt like me to have a male flate mate either.

I know on mumsnet many people would be fine with it.

MommaGee Fri 24-Mar-17 19:16:03


Shell have her own room and pay rent. Totally different to asking you and you don't want to be asked just cos he needs the money.

Do you trust him?
Would you care if it was a guy?
Do you normally expect him to ask your permission to do stuff?

PamDooveOrangeJoof Fri 24-Mar-17 19:16:21

How old are you?

Bluntness100 Fri 24-Mar-17 19:17:03

So if I read this right the issue is not your concerned about him living with another female. Your issue is you want to live with him and he doesn't want that?

I think there is a huge difference in getting a lodger and living with a partner.

If you wish to live together then you need to sit and talk about that. And it needs to be separate from the lodger issue.

i think if it's his home and you do not live there, he doesn't need to ask your permission to get a lodger, although it would have been nice of him to discuss it with you.

expatinscotland Fri 24-Mar-17 19:17:10

He's not ready to live with his girlfriend.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Fri 24-Mar-17 19:17:27

Oh sorry just seen your update. If at 34 and 29 and 2 years together he didn't want me to move in and instead asked a random, yes I would be pretty pissed off.

HermioneJeanGranger Fri 24-Mar-17 19:17:49


Why doesn't he want you to move in together?

PamDooveOrangeJoof Fri 24-Mar-17 19:19:25

Obviously though you can't force someone to want to move in with you. After that amount of time and at that age, I'd be making my exit . I wouldn't force him but if you both want different things you should find someone who wants the same as you

OoarOoarAyFontyItsMe Fri 24-Mar-17 19:19:43


VIX1307 Fri 24-Mar-17 19:19:51

I think its a bit of both. The fact its a girl makes it worse but i would be upset if it was a male too. I trust him but it just makes me feel uneasy thinking of them cooking together and watching tv together and the intimacy of it i suppose.

Universitychallenging Fri 24-Mar-17 19:20:48

He doesn't want what you want. He doesn't want you living with him.

Talk to him. Find out what is plans are for the relationship and if they aren't chiming with yours then pull the plug.

Bluntness100 Fri 24-Mar-17 19:21:52

Do you think op the reason he didn't talk to you about it, is because he knows you wish to live together and he doesn't want that?

I'd assume he saw it as his home his decision and totally unrelated to the fact he doesn't want to move the relationship on to this level, that that is a seperate discussion.

On a seperate note if you can afford rent, why do you still live at home, I assume with your parents?

ImperialBlether Fri 24-Mar-17 19:23:55

If he wanted to, you could be living with him. He doesn't want that. I'm really sorry. Him choosing another woman to live with is just adding insult to injury.

The fact is that if a 34 year old man isn't ready to live with his girlfriend after being together for two years, the girlfriend needs to end the relationship.

Sometimes ending the relationship forces the guy to figure out what he really wants. Whether you'll still be interested then, is something he needs to consider. Please don't act like you've won a prize if he agrees to living with you, though!

VIX1307 Fri 24-Mar-17 19:24:35

I suppose in a way it has seemed pointless to me paying to live in a flat share (i couldnt afford to live alone) if i am staying at his 3 nights a week (and hoping it was coming to the point where he would ask me) clearly i was wrong

SandyY2K Fri 24-Mar-17 19:27:04

I think he should have checked how you felt beforehand.
Lodgers and landlord don't usually cook together though. I think you're building pictures up in your mind about it, but after 2 years together... And you are not teenagers... I'd be wondering where the relationship is headed.

I don't agree that it's a cast of you not trusting him either, as you're perfectly normal and reasonable to feel upset about it.

TatianaLarina Fri 24-Mar-17 19:27:51

At your age, after 2 years if he's not asking you to move in together, it's going nowhere. Don't waste any more of your life on this.

Move on while you still have eggs (assuming you want children).

golfbuggy Fri 24-Mar-17 19:33:35

If he owns his own house and you still live with your parents, moving in with him throws up all sort of financial issues (mainly for him).

You do realise him having a lodger and you moving in, are not mutually exclusive?

TheNaze73 Fri 24-Mar-17 19:35:39

YABVU. He'll get more income from her if she's renting as a lodger.
Don't let jealousy, kill the relationship at such an early stage

VIX1307 Fri 24-Mar-17 19:36:11

He is acting like its not a big deal so said he even think to check with me. Its a Monday to Thursday rent (if this makes a difference) and he just sees it as a bit of extra pocket money and said he didnt even think it would be a problem so didnt ask (she also has a boyfriend)

VIX1307 Fri 24-Mar-17 19:38:06

Shes paying him £400 a month. I just feel confused about it all!

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: