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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Liars and Stonewalling

52 replies

OnTheHorizon66 · 20/03/2017 11:34

In a nutshell have been chatting to a guy for a while now, we have been friends about 3 years but the last few months he has told me he has always had feelings for me and wants to pursue a relationship.
We live opposite ends of the country but he thinks we could overcome this and see each other when we can.
He had an online friendship with a married woman on social media about a year and a half ago and since she has found out about us she has been creating fake profiles to make me think they are still talking.
He says not but when I question him about this on the phone he goes silent ...or sometimes the phone loses connection.
I just get the feeling he is putting me on hold and maybe answering a call or messaging her.
He has blocked me about 4 times now and each time he says it is because it is painful to be around me and he can't deal with the accusations when he is not talking to this woman .
It's just at times on social media the posts seem to relate to things we have discussed recently ...how would she know this .....
He says it is just coincidence, but my instinct tells me differently.
I don't understand why this woman keeps creating these profiles ....to get at him through me...because she wants him ....just game playing .
Her says he is not involved in any of this.
I was reading up about stonewalling and wondering if is silent treatment to me is when I am getting close to finding out that they are still talking ....
I know I may sound paranoid and this is quite petty in the big scheme of things but the groups I admin on social media and have been a lifeline to me and her constant fake profiles and sarcastic quotes/songs are making me wonder if this guy is still talking to her and I am a smokescreen as she is married.

OP posts:

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Summerdaydream · 20/03/2017 11:41

I really wouldn't be bothering with any of this! You're not even In a relationship with this guy and you're already having OW drama with him blocking you....

You said in your OP that HE said he has feelings for you and HE said it could work out.. but how do you feel?

It sounds far too dramatic and complicated

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 20/03/2017 11:51

Don't be with people who stress you out. Save your sanity for somebody who deserves it.

OnTheHorizon66 · 20/03/2017 11:53

Exactly , understand what you are saying and I know deep down a long distance relationship would be difficult not to mention with the distrust from the start.
I have always considered him a friend and we do have lots in common.
As for my feelings towards him I guess having only met him briefly once maybe something could develop over time.
But you are right, very dramatic and complicated and I don't understand why someone would disappear , cut all contact , for a few weeks at times .
Surely you would want to talk it through and sort it out.
Smacks of dishonesty to me and him reappearing when he thinks I will have forgotten the issues re him and her on his return.
A delaying tactic maybe ....

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highinthesky · 20/03/2017 11:54

Trust your instincts and steer clear of this chap. Its only going to bring you trouble.

If you want a relationship, find someone more local who is open about their life.

OnTheHorizon66 · 20/03/2017 11:54

Very true, it has made me question my sanity , am I being paranoid, seeing things that aren't there ....

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Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 20/03/2017 11:54

Doesn't sound like you would ever feel able to trust him 100% and that's the main ingredient for a ldr. .

OnTheHorizon66 · 20/03/2017 12:01

My instincts on this are very strong, there is something that just keeps bugging me and I can't rid myself of it.
Having been single for 7 years, previously in an abusive relationship feel it is now time to take the wall down and find someone.
My children . now teenagers have their own social life and maybe it's time I could have one too.
I do wonder because of my past if my vulnerable side shows, he knows about my past , and whether he would take advantage of this .

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Holland00 · 20/03/2017 12:02

Sounds like a load of mind games, he should be a grown up and discuss it.

OnTheHorizon66 · 20/03/2017 12:03

Yes, trust has to be an important issue.
Especially in a long distance relationship.

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OnTheHorizon66 · 20/03/2017 12:07

My thoughts exactly.
We are in our fifties, not teenagers !
He says he has to withdraw as it is too painful , but blocking me from any communication , is in my book downright cruel.
He will go into great detail as to why and says there is no contact with this woman , but sometimes I feel he doth protest too much !

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OliviaStabler · 20/03/2017 12:08

I'd walk away. It sounds a lot of stress for very little good.

OnTheHorizon66 · 20/03/2017 12:16

I think I am coming to that conclusion myself , it makes sense.

Whether I deal with the online barrage or ignore it am still in two minds.
I guess part of me just wants to know if I was right , and he was talking to her all this time and I wasn't going mad.....

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xStefx · 20/03/2017 12:19

If you havent got into a relationship with this guy yet then save yourself the bother. Plus its long distance, if your having doubts already youll never know what he is up to.

OnTheHorizon66 · 20/03/2017 12:34

It has disaster written it all over it .
As you say if the doubts are there now , long term I will always be wondering what he is up to.

I should let it drop and move on .
But the constant mind games took there toll and don't think he should be allowed to get away with it .

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user1479305498 · 20/03/2017 12:36

do you seriously want a relationship with someone who has an online one with a married woman.

Adora10 · 20/03/2017 12:37

Who knows and who cares; fact is he ignores you, get rid, he's clearly not worth your time or energy.

Deadsouls · 20/03/2017 12:39

I don't think you are being paranoid. When you say you've been friends for 3 years, have you actually met each other? Or is it an online friendship?

This man is blaming you for his behaviour, not taking responsibility for his own feelings, re: blocking, 'it's because blah blah blah'

It does sound a bit like hot/cold routine, silent treatment, withdrawing contact as punishment. It's definitely manipulative.

Plus look at the drama of it! And you're not even in a relationship. He lives at the other end of the country, there's another woman on the scene (triangulation), weird blocking phases, you've only got his side of the story to go on by the way.

How do you even feel about this guy? Sounds like too much trouble.

OnTheHorizon66 · 20/03/2017 12:40

Think I needed to hear some home truths ,
I have been saying these things to myself for a while now, I should feel I am worth more than this.

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Deadsouls · 20/03/2017 12:48

Yes definitely. Generally a relationship should not be this much work in the beginning before you've started.

Kikikaakaa · 20/03/2017 12:52

My instincts tell me these 2 scenarios

The woman is made up, fictional, to get your attention and make you jealous

He has poor boundaries and morals, and he loves the drama this causes

OnTheHorizon66 · 20/03/2017 12:52

We have met once, for a few hours when he came down to visit.
But have talked to him at length on the phone before.

It does sound like he is control when he serves this silent treatment and he pulls all the strings.
Using the fact that he is distraught over this doesn't ring true somehow.
As you say , he should take responsibility for his feelings and not run away.

Oh she has contacted me in the past wanting to be friends and putting him down saying he can't be trusted and he is a sociopath.
But then she creates fake profiles to almost try and win him back or to make me think there is something still going on with them .
As I said before , why would she bother.
Or is it some sick game between them to play mind games with me .

Not sure what I feel for him now....
All I know is there are coincidences...and there are coincidences!
Too many times things appear that she would have no way of knowing unless he was talking to her.

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OnTheHorizon66 · 20/03/2017 12:58

Very true...hard work it sure is before we have even started!

I think maybe your point about the drama could be close to the truth .
Good for his ego too.
I have wondered if he flits between us both , and when he falls out with her again he comes back to me.
Almost like edging his bets .
Or he is using me as a smokescreen to 'online friends' to distract from the fact he is after a married woman.
After all last year there display in the groups gave quite a lot away and her husband is on social media too ...so now they are being more cautious.

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Deadsouls · 20/03/2017 13:02

So what stands out to be is that this has become a triangle; you, him and this other woman (who is contacting you wanting to be friends).
But it all sounds toxic to me. TBH it sounds a little like this woman is jealous and is trying to get into your life to find out what, is anything, is going on with you and this guy. Her efforts to befriend you are a way of her putting her feelers out to assess the situation.
Has he ever said to you something along the lines of, 'she's crazy', 'she won't stop contacting me', 'she's harassing me' etc

Deadsouls · 20/03/2017 13:04

This quote is so true and has helped me many a time

Liars and Stonewalling

OnTheHorizon66 · 20/03/2017 13:24

Yes that is the situation as it stands.

He has said in the past that she is crazy and when they talked previously , whilst her husband was upstairs in bed she would sit and chat most nights as she claimed she was an insomniac and he added sometimes she was fuelled by drink.
He says she hasn't contacted him in months...nor he her....but that she likes attention and she hates rejection.
So maybe her posts , gaining access to these groups are a way of her getting back at him .
But his voice is always mono tone when talking about this.
No anger , frustration , considering what she has caused between me and him .
It's almost like he enjoys the ego trip.
He tells me to ignore it as she is on a mission and it won't stop.

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