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How do I tell my DH that...

(61 Posts)
miserablemolly Sun 05-Mar-17 07:30:45

I need advice on how to broach the following with my DH. We have an ok relationship but crap at communicating. He farts constantly, all day, all the time. He's always been this way (together 10 years) but I can't take it anymore. I hate it. I don't want to have sex with someone who is in a fog of noisy, smellyness all the time. I have never, ever said anything to him so if I explode in rage (which I feel like doing) he'll be blindsided. How can I tell him the effect it's having? He hates to be criticised and I'm anticipating a major fall out.

Gallavich Sun 05-Mar-17 07:33:28

10 years? And you've never said anything? How on earth did you get past dating someone who farts all the time?
That much flatulence indicates some gastric problem so maybe you could approach it that way. I'm not sure how successful you'll be if you've silently put up with it for 10 years and he's over sensitive.

hahahaIdontgetit Sun 05-Mar-17 07:33:51

DH please stop doing that, it's unpleasant, most people nip to the toilet if they need to do that.

Seriously, it's affecting the way I feel about you.

(Honestly, I just tell DH to pack it in because it's vile).

GrumpyInsomniac Sun 05-Mar-17 07:36:35

I think the first thing is to acknowledge that it's a biological function. He can't help it. Obviously, he doesn't have to delight in it, either, but it's not his fault, so start from the point of view that you aren't criticising him.

I'd have a bit of a read up on food intolerance, which is a very common cause of this, and see whether he'd be up for trying an exclusion diet to see if there is any improvement. Not least because this can't be doing him any favours at work, either.

But approach this as a physical condition you want to help with, rather than trying to dictate he must stop farting. Which is a bit like Canute and the waves.

GnomeDePlume Sun 05-Mar-17 07:47:50

Would something like this help?

'DH, your constant farting is concerning me

^ - Is it something you cant control in which case should you see a doctor?^
^ - If it is something you can control then please can you remove yourself from the room beforehand as breaking wind around other people is inconsiderate'^

Do it calmly, try to aim for an air of concern rather than criticism. If he doesnt take criticism well generally then it is likely that no one has ever raised this with him for fear of the reaction.

StealthPolarBear Sun 05-Mar-17 07:51:22

Does he do it at work?

EchidnasPhone Sun 05-Mar-17 08:05:36

Ten years & you've never told him? Why?? I tell dh if he starts to ramp up the farting. The occasional oops moment is ok but deliberately doing it when he's near me or when he knows it will be offensive is not ok. It's rude & gross. I don't think you need to tiptoe around it - he's obviously it thinking if you when he just does it anywhere.

SandyY2K Sun 05-Mar-17 08:05:44

Does he do it in the company of other people too? Or just you?

Have you looked up the condition on the Internet?

Try and do so and see how he can reduce it. It's something everyone does, but most of us don't do it in the presence of others constantly like he does.

miserablemolly Sun 05-Mar-17 08:08:44

Unsure about work but definitely in the presence of friends and family and in general public. Noise is more of an issue than smell. His mother does it too so obviously

And you're all right, how have I let this go on for 10 years. I feel like that in itself is indicative of a larger problem in particular lack of communication.

The pp who said approach it with concern - great idea. Let on I'm worried about his gastric health.

It makes me feel worthless and I know that would not be his intention ever. Like he just doesn't care. But as I said, 10 years so he's obviously coming at farting from a different perspective to the rest of us!

Yeahfine Sun 05-Mar-17 08:19:20

How do friends and family respond to his constant farting? I can hardly believe that. I have never known anyone openly fart all day long wherever they are. People just don't do that. (I work with 1000 people and have done for 27 years!)

miserablemolly Sun 05-Mar-17 08:45:31

With his family no one bats an eyelid, as I said his mum is the same. His granny too actually but she's in her 90's so more acceptable. My family I suppose are like me, mortified and say nothing. Almost all of his friends are male due to going to an all boys high school then into the military so they don't seem to care either.

Yeahfine Sun 05-Mar-17 08:49:01

I can't work out why you have never said anything. I would have said something the very first time he did it and recoiled, and certainly not shared a bed with him for ten years.

Happybunny19 Sun 05-Mar-17 08:50:57

How can you not have mentioned this? My DP is a bit of a guffer, but there's absolutely no way I wouldn't have told him to bugger off or stop it after that amount of time. Did he do it when you first met him?

Funnyonion17 Sun 05-Mar-17 08:55:07

That's disgusting. I don't fart infront of anyone and neither does my DH. He should goto toilet and perhaps a doctor.

miserablemolly Sun 05-Mar-17 08:55:24

I suppose in the early days I wanted him to like me, then I got used to it, couple that with an inability to be upfront about anything and I've just never had the guts to say anything. If I ever say anything negative about him a huge fight ensues. (I'm not talking domestic violence here, just a row that usually ends in me sulking. I know, I'm a delight).

Funnyonion17 Sun 05-Mar-17 09:01:06

My ex used to fart like that, he laughed it off, his Dad was the same. I've had to work hard to stop my DC copying as I think it's disgusting. I mean people fart, fine. But when your stinking the room out constantly and laughing and joking about it then it's a huge turn off. It's also really bad manners in company aswell eww

miserablemolly Sun 05-Mar-17 09:05:33

Such bad manners and so outside of social norms. I think it's come to a head because our relationship isn't amazing at the moment but as I type that I genuinely feel the farting is a major contributor. I just need to say something and accept the inevitable row then hopefully he'll tone it down. But for ever more when he farts (or god forbid I fart!) there'll be tension because the row will be remembered.

Wellthatsit Sun 05-Mar-17 09:37:52

Actually, I think your biggest problem is that there is always an almighty row if you ever criticise him. That tells a huge story in itself. Yhe faring shows a lack of respect for others' feelings and an arrogance, because there is no way that he doesn't know about social norms re faring. He thinks it doesn't apply to him or that others are stupid for caring about it

miserablemolly Sun 05-Mar-17 09:43:22

You're exactly right, he'll think it's stupid that I care or that it bothers me.

But yes, his over reaction to anything he perceives as criticism means I honestly say fuck all to him these days other than chit chat. If I want to say something of substance I'll run it through my head and then not bother because I can predict how he'll respond and it's often not worth it.

I don't even know if I like him as a person anymore but he's always been like this so it must be me who's changed.

Yeahfine Sun 05-Mar-17 09:46:21

Do you actually want to be with him?

Bitofacow Sun 05-Mar-17 09:51:33

Such bad manners and so outside of social norms

Whose social norms? Not his family. Not my familyhmm

My DP works is a predominantly male environment - they fart all the time - so not his social norms.

I work with teenage boys - so no not my social norm.

You want to impose your social norms on him. I'm not saying you are wrong to feel like you do but it is a matter of judgment not right or wrong.

He refusal to accept criticism makes him sound like a dick though.

Gallavich Sun 05-Mar-17 10:02:19

Are you sure you want to be with someone who you can't talk to about anything serious or important, and with whom you can't express your needs or hope to have them met?

miserablemolly Sun 05-Mar-17 10:06:11

Fair point bitofacow, it's just hard to feel romantically or sexually attracted to someone who releases smelly, noisy gas from their anus every 10 minutes. It's repulsive really. But yes it is obviously accepted in his family and the fact I've never said anything I suppose means he's never even considered it to be an issue.

He is a bit of a dick, you wouldn't be the first person to say that. On the flip side he's really clever and has loads of interests and a he's a fantastic dad and really kind and fair to everyone. He's just not good at handling criticism/ any sort of feedback.

Yeahfine that's a question I'm afraid to dwell too long on. I want our family unit to stay together. I need to become a better communicator rather than storing things up and then letting it all out at once. But if I had my time again I guess he's not the person I would choose to spend the rest of my life with. But I did and we have our beautiful babies.

This is really cathartic. Thank you to everyone who has replied. Just writing this down makes me feel like I'm taking action, sort of.

category12 Sun 05-Mar-17 10:09:22

I am very confused - on the one hand you feel he wouldn't want you to feel worthless, yet on the other he has effectively taught you to stfu about anything in the relationship that might bother you by flipping out anytime you bring up any issue.

I think you have some serious problems here, and it's not the farting. It's emotional abuse, isn't it? Kicking off so badly you're afraid to speak up for yourself?

wobblywonderwoman Sun 05-Mar-17 10:11:38

Ten years !!!

It is one habit I cannot stand.. The mother does it too. Lack of social skill or decent manners. Just repulsive.

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