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girlfriend going on holiday with her ex

(108 Posts)
Bigmoc Wed 08-Feb-17 11:49:45

This is my first post. I was hoping for a female perspective on this. My girlfriend of 8 months is booked to go to Amsterdam with her ex boyfriend for a weekend. She has been friends with him for a long time, maybe 20 years, and they were only together for around 3 months maybe 14/15 years ago. She said that since then they went on holiday to America but this was for a mutual friends wedding. However she said that they had shared a bed previously and nothing happened then They both then got long term relationships so kind of fell out of touch for a while but got friendly again when those relationships broke down. She says she can't remember if they had sex or not when they were in a relationship, says she doesn't think so but possibly once when really drunk. Anyways, they had booked to go to New York over the new year to see the same mutual friend but the trip didn't go ahead as he was sick. This had been planned but not booked before I knew her, and was booked about two months into the relationship.
I wasn't that happy, but didn't want to come across as possessive and jealous so told her I wasn't ecstatic but I understood that she had a life before me and I was ok about it. She did say that she thought he might now have designs on her again but she wasn't interested and if he tried anything she would make sure to tell him she wasn't interested. They were both due to be in New York over New Years and she specifically said she thought he would try and kiss her on New Year's Eve but she would be ready to say no. The other day a few days after her birthday she said that this friend booked her a surprise trip for just the two of them in Amsterdam. He had never bought her a present before, never mind a present like that.
She told Me that this trip was booked and she was going to go. I asked her was it a twin or a double bed and she said she didn't know. I asked her to ask him and he told Her that it was a double as it was the last available at that deal. I said I wasn't happy with either the trip or the sleeping arrangements. She knew I wasn't happy but she didn't say that she would change the sleeping arrangements. She then told him that I wasn't happy and he told her he would change it to a twin room. She says he has since done this.
I'm still not really happy about this trip and am wondering if I am being paranoid. I really love her and she says she really loves me and I do believe that's how she feels about me. But I'm still Not keen on my girlfriend going away for a few nights of drinking , probably drugs and partying with a guy she used to be intimate with. She didn't book it so I can't blame her for that. However, she didn't even ask originally if they would be in separate beds, and I suppose I'm annoyed about that, and she was still going to go even if they had to share a bed. Im still considering my future with her now, and am wondering if I'm over reacting About the whole thing.

Ilovecaindingle Wed 08-Feb-17 11:53:43

She could always sell her share of the holiday on... The fact that she is going means she has no respect for you or your relationship sorry. .
She is admitted he has feelings for her. . And nobody forgets if they have slept with someone or not!!

gamerchick Wed 08-Feb-17 11:54:47

Personally I would drop this one like a hot potato. I'm sorry man.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 08-Feb-17 11:56:28

She's made the hierarchy here really clear.

You're in third place. I'm sorry.

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter Wed 08-Feb-17 11:57:01

I like to think of myself as fairly relaxed and I do believe an ex can become a friend after the relationship ends, me and dh both have friends that are exes BUT a romantic break in Amsterdam with an ex would be too far for me

She didn't book or pay or the trip? So she isn't losing any money or anything by not going.

I'd be questioning if you want to be with her ( if she went on the trip for me we'd be over)

Surreyblah Wed 08-Feb-17 11:57:45

Not overreacting: her behaviour is inappropriate and disrespectful.

PoisonousSmurf Wed 08-Feb-17 11:59:13

It seems that she really doesn't care about you at all. If she goes, then it's over!

PoisonousSmurf Wed 08-Feb-17 12:02:32

I think that the ex, has done this on purpose to see if he still has control over her! If I was a man and an ex did this to MY girlfriend I'd pull his balls off!
He is pissing all over you...

thetwocultures Wed 08-Feb-17 12:02:32

Second what everyone else has said!
PS. Sounds like drama and playing on people's feelings, not on.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 08-Feb-17 12:04:54

THEY ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

No feckin' way would I be putting up with this!

TaliZorahVasNormandy Wed 08-Feb-17 12:07:32

Way too much drama. Sounds like she enjoys it. Nothing wrong with men and women being friends but that takes the piss.

HelenaGWells Wed 08-Feb-17 12:10:21

Way to much drama for me as well. I would be out. A weekend break for two in a room with a double bed. If she can't see how this is inappropriate then there's nothing you can do. It doesn't sound like she's even bothered about if he tries he on with her. Your OP reads like she gets a kick from it. Just get out now or this drama will drag on.

Bigmoc Wed 08-Feb-17 12:17:27

thanks for this, i was wondering if i was coming across as a jealous control freak. she said she had mentioned it to a couple of friends and they said you should be able to go where you want, plus it was only B* and hes just your friend now so its not a big deal

MegFlyAway Wed 08-Feb-17 12:19:22

She says she can't remember if they had sex or not when they were in a relationship, says she doesn't think so but possibly once when really drunk.

She's slept with him.

Bigmoc Wed 08-Feb-17 12:20:15

i know, thats what i think and said to her too, i was simply saying what she said

Scarydinosaurs Wed 08-Feb-17 12:21:38

She isn't really in a relationship with you.

For someone who is presumably in her 40s, she really is quite emotionally stunted. This sounds like a uni relationship problem.

HarmlessChap Wed 08-Feb-17 12:22:23

I think she is being a bit callous about your feelings but if she's going to cheat she will sooner or later whatever you decide. Even if she went away with a female friend she could end up in a one night stand with some bloke over there if she wanted.

You have to decide if you trust her or not.

Oddsockspissmeoff Wed 08-Feb-17 12:23:08

I'd get rid.Sounds like they're long term fuck buddy's. If she wasn't open to his advances she wouldn't be going.

TheNaze73 Wed 08-Feb-17 12:32:26

I think you need to leave it with her. She's not interested in you

Laylajoh Wed 08-Feb-17 12:32:56

What kind of friend books a holiday for his ex to Amsterdam really? I am sorry, but they are both being infinitely absurb on this one. If she is not that into him, she could easily say 'well no thank you, I don't have to accept a holiday that you have booked for the both of us, I have a new boyfriend now'.

You are reasonable if you suspect something, because something is definitely wrong here.

Gingerbreadlass Wed 08-Feb-17 12:35:01

Hi OP,

You sound like a caring and decent boyfriend who deserves someone better than a woman who rides rough shot over your feelings and goes on weekends away with her ex in dubious sleeping arrangements.

Being jealous is one thing but she is being disrespectful of the relationship between you and this other guy clearly doesn't give a shit either.

Dump her while you can as this kind of behaviour and lack of respect will just escalate. HTH

Bigmoc Wed 08-Feb-17 12:43:10

I sound like an apologist here but the reason he said he booked this trip is cause he felt guilty about the New York trip not happening cause he was sick and she lost money over that and this was to make it up to her

OliviaStabler Wed 08-Feb-17 12:49:10

Her message to you through her actions is 'I will do whatever I want regardless of how you feel about it.' Assuming you have both agreed to be in a committed, monogamous relationship, her actions are quite bizarre.

I'd walk away. I wouldn't want to be with someone who cared so little for my feelings.

Gingerbreadlass Wed 08-Feb-17 12:56:54

The NY trip was booked when she was single. This has changed and you are now her partner.

If he wanted to make up to her he could just give her the money or offer to pay her half for a trip with you to Amsterdam. Why does he need to come with her?

Things have changed and you're now the boyfriend.

However, it is SHE who has agreed and accepted this trip. It's HER that doesn't respect you and goes along with whatever that guy suggests. Believe me, a committed partner would not be making the choices she's making. I think she's callous and respectless.

Macaroni22 Wed 08-Feb-17 13:05:31

shock ummm no way is that okay?!

Tell her to go and not to come back. Totally out of order!
Don't let her persuade you into being a mug.

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