To Snoop or Not to Snoop

[Ariandenotgrande]

I see going through a phone/gadget on a par with rifling through a handbag diary/underwear drawer, out of order and I would be pissed off if someone did that to me.
I suppose the question is not to drip feed or ask for judgement but to ask what people think about if it is ever reasonable to look at your OH's gadgets ? I'm not looking for an excuse or reason to do so, I've chosen not to snoop but I wonder if I'm being a bit naive or out of touch. My situation doesn't currently warrant a snoop but I'm not naive enough to be one of those 'he'd never cheat' brigade but at what point do you think, fuck it, I'm going in ?

[mickyblueyes]

I never snooped, till my gut was telling me something wasn't right. Not proud of the fact that I snooped, but I'd be less proud of myself if I'd have lied, deceived and cheated like my STBXW.

[jeepersweepers]

I am naturally suspicious and often wanted to snoop on my partner. He was always attached to his phone. I too thought it would be a breach of trust so stopped myself.

Until I received an anonymous message saying he was cheating. I did snoop and then felt guilty and undid my snooping (accessing his WhatsApp via WhatsApp web). I had it for 10 mins before undoing it.

Several days later his lover contacted me with screenshots of their WhatsApp chats. Had I kept my snooping I would have discovered this myself.

It's a hard call, snooping implies a lack of trust but sometimes there's a good reason for that lack of trust.

[BagelDog]

Never snooped, then he was having a bad patch at work but minimising it, not wanting to talk about it much, working at the dining table till late but being more keen than usual to get down to work, almost hustling me upstairs to bed... then I snooped but only to confirm what I suspected was going on. Sadly I was right. Would t look for no reason though and never had before.

[PaterPower]

Never, IMO (for transparency I'm male).

I always find it interesting / depressing that on this site almost every "is he cheating" post will attract a ton of suggestions on how best to track what he's done/doing, which will often include advice on how to find deleted conversations, how best to set his phone up to track its location, how to "bug" his phone so it forwards texts etc.

These are all morally wrong (and at the least legally dubious if not outright illegal) and would, if the OP was describing something her DP was doing, be decried (by the exact same MNers) as completely unforgivable and EA.

And they'd be right, if hypocritically so, in describing anything like that as EA.

End a relationship if you don't think someone's trustworthy, but don't stoop to invading his or her privacy. That's what certain types of scum journalists do.

[ImperialBlether]

You say there's no need at the moment - has there been in the past?

[Ariandenotgrande]

Good point Jeepers though, that due to technology anyone can contact you anyway if they so choose and 'kindly' let you know, which must be shit

[jcne]

i've done it and i was right. I'm glad i did it then and i would do it again. i don't give out benefit of the doubt more than once.

[jcne]

fwiw I was looking at something completely innocently but saw other stuff, had a "wtf and fuck it I'm going in" moment and tore the thing to pieces.

[PaterPower]

jcne - so you'd be happy for a DP to access your phone/email/WhatsApp/private correspondence/texts (and whatever else) on the same basis?

What if you'd snooped and been wrong? Would you have told him what you'd done so he could decide whether he could ever trust you again?

[Ariandenotgrande]

Imperial, I have some issues re trust due to the past etc but it's just the large amount of posts about finding out about cheating make me twitchy and the length some OP's go to.

[OnceUponATimeInAVest]

I snooped once in a moment of weakness Specifically, he'd asked me to find an email that was on his iPad and forward it to his work email, so he did know and had given me permission to look in his email, kind of... I had no suspicions, just curiosity, I scrolled down a bit... And found that he was having a customised handbag made for me for a surprise for my birthday. I still feel like an absolute cunt about it now.

[jcne]

has this person previously damaged your trust? if so.. i would do it.

[jeepersweepers]

PaterPower - that assumes people want to leave a cheating partner. I'm still with mine.

For me, discovering what a lying, cheating bastard he is allowed me to redefine the terms of our relationship. I now have my eyes wide open. As long as I get what I want out of my relationship then I choose to stay in it. It was unfair of him to be in a relationship with me based on a false sense of who he was. Snooping was also wrong but it levelled the playing field and he knows what I did.

[jcne]

pater he could if he wanted to, he's got his fingerprint on my phone, ipad etc. but then i'm not hiding anything and tbqh i think he is too arrogant to even consider that i would be up to anything.

like i said, i didn't set out to snoop and never have before (wish i had been all along would have saved me from A LOT), but when i saw what i saw i went a lot a further and yep my fingers are all burnt about it but i know the truth now and I'm very happy that i do. he's not he's mad as hell that he got caught.

[PaterPower]

jeepers that's an interesting perspective and I do understand the drive to go snooping.

For context, my exW cheated on me (she told me rather than me finding out) but we had a period of living in the same house where I could very easily have accessed her phone to get the details that (believe me) I was completely obsessed with getting.

It was really difficult to not do it, but I couldn't/wouldn't step over that line.

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

I don't normally - can't be bothered. But about 8 yrs ago when my marriage was breaking down and I had fallen in love with someone else and confessed to my husband - he took the moral high ground and the whole 'holier than thou' narrative
Made me feel so awful and guilty.

But something didn't seem right - so I snooped just once - he left his fb profile open on the household desktop so it really wasn't hard. Sure enough he was cheating!

I confronted him - he refused to admit it but didn't deny it either. It was useful as it gave me the excuse to file for divorce without feeling guilty and meant I was no longer trapped in a miserable and loveless marriage.

[Starryeyed54]

I had a feeling that something wasn't right so I looked through his old phone (he had changed it the day before). I found pictures and texts to OW.
Confronted him and we have worked through it. I was due to give birth and gave him a clear ultimatum that if it happened again then he was gone.
I'm a believer in following your instincts. DH is free to look at my phone if he wants, i have nothing to hide xx

[PaterPower]

jcne at least you regret it. Some of the posters on this site seem to think it's a right - sort of an "all's fair" type thing - but I also know that they'd massively resent anyone doing it to them, whether there was a cause to be suspicious or not.

[jeepersweepers]

Pater - you're a better person than most!

I have since tested spyware (on my own phone) and even purchased it to use on his. I got a refund though as I felt that was a step too far. I don't want to spy on the day to day parts of his life, I just want to know if he strays again. It's a daily battle with myself though, the urge to do it is immense.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Yep - I snooped.
But I have his pass code etc..... and he knows and allows me access.
Shame he isn't very good a clearing what he should!

I think you can snoop when just 'know' something is off and you feel like you need 'proof'

[hellsbellsmelons]

And I certainly don't resent anyone looking on my phone.
I have absolutely nothing to hide.
Go for your life if you want to have a look at my phone.
It's dull!

[jeepersweepers]

I'm the same, absolutely nothing to hide so wouldn't care if anyone looked at my phone.

[hellsbellsmelons]

End a relationship if you don't think someone's trustworthy
Ahhh... if only life was that simple.
Wait until it happens to you and then see if you can just end a 15 year relationship with kids because of this!
You need that proof.
You need to know you are NOT the bad guy.
You need to understand what is going on.
Why you feel like you are going crazy!
Sorry but you do.

[Chops2016]

I don't agree with it. But I've had an ex snoop on me and it was the beginning of the end for us. I totally lost any respect I had for him knowing he was such a sneaky weasel.

However this wasn't just looking at my phone. He waited until I was out of the house and uploaded a file from my iTunes backup to a website where some hacker then turned into a text file with all the texts id ever sent/received. Including people texting me their bank details in order to transfer money to them (one of these being his mother..).

But even if it had just been plain old snooping I wouldn't be impressed. If you feel such lack of trust then TALK about it. A relationship in which you can't communicate is worthless.

[PaterPower]

Oh God, honestly I really do understand the drive to do it. That insane cycle you get into where it's like an itch at the back of your mind and you just want to scratch it.

Don't use the spyware though, please. It's illegal to install it without his permission but, more than that, I genuinely think (as it looks like you already do) that you'd come to regret breaking your own moral code more than being "satisfied" that by doing it you were better informed / had your suspicions confirmed.