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On the brink of separation - am I mad?(72 Posts)
So I had a thread in AIBU.
Basically over the last 7 years or so my husband has become increasingly volatile. It is always someone else's fault. I have always done the apologising just to keep things stable for the children and to avoid any big fall out.
Examples I can think of include calling me a slag for going out night before my DD2s 1st birthday. FWIW I am very conservative and didn't drink and was back before midnight.
He has made me feel ill saying that we haven't got the £ to pay for children's music lessons but then buying a £1200 watch.
Refusing to pick children up when my car broke down
There are a couple of times when he has gone hugely mental screaming and shouting at me.
We went away to a family wedding. He kicked our dogs shit in the rental cottage garden, I gave him a bag and said would be better if he picked it up as they would be playing there. He had a huge meltdown which he continued in public, in front of DDs and before the ceremony the next day. I was so distraught none of us turned up to the ceremony and my dad, who had come down with us and paid for the cottage ended up going alone and walking 3 miles back to the cottage. To find my husband playing super dad and drinking all his wine!
He never arranges or offers to help with anything to do with the girls during the week. Sometimes they need to be in different places at different times (different schools). He would be unaware when they are performing, when parents evening is etc yet receives all the same communication as me. He even expects me to tell him when his haircut appointment that he made at a salon I don't go to is! He doesn't write it on the calendar!
2 years ago following my mothers death, DH decided to redevelop my fathers home into a 4 bed with 2 bed annexe. I raised reservations as DH can get jealous of my friendship with my dad and how much they love him. DH adamant he wanted this.
I went back to work 15 months ago full time but had to drastically reduce my hours as no help with washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping etc etc.
My dad kindly does the school run and cooks on the 2 days I am out the house.
Yesterday I was due my annual appraisal. Last chance to get it done before deadline. Typically DD1 who is 12 had a temperature. I arranged for my dad to sit with her whilst I went to do appraisal - then I would be back, 3 hours max. DH went crazy, saying that my job was not important, that a parent should be at home etc. I was furious that he would say that. Of course in the past I have taken days off to look after them but it was not necessary for yesterday. We left on not speaking terms.
In the evening he came in obviously expecting everything to be ok. As I was clearly still annoyed he sat in silence through dinner, the started slamming dishes around. He then said that I hadn't "learnt" anything from the doomed wedding trip, smashed a glass and left.
Today he has said that he is the victim as he tries to please everyone (I honestly don't see this) and he is sick of my dad being around. I don't know what I can do about this. My dad does help me two days a week as no one else can and DH won't pay for wraparound school. He also often eats with us but then goes. Don't spend time with him at weekend at all.
For context my job pays small amount a month, I pay for the running costs of the main family car, pay for any dog related things, children's phone, pocket money etc. My dad does pay one set of school fees - this was left as part of my mothers will though with express directions.
If I ever ask for help around the house he says that whatever he does won't be good enough, or he'll do it later or that he does. He doesn't! He has not done a food shop or cooked in over 10 years. I get no support with my "unimportant" job but have to be a sounding board for his stressful job
I think I am done. I can't do it anymore my self esteem and self belief is so low I often wonder if it is me that is the problem.
Would I get tax credits etc to help me out as I live sort of with my dad (essentially one dwelling). The house is owned by all three of us. How would all that work?
So glad you posted here
Have you had a look at this website?
Stay strong x
I have no idea of the finances, lots of people do and will be along to tell you, but it is crystal clear that you must get him out of this and probably should have done years ago. He is most certainly abusing you in several different ways.
I recognise some of the individual incidents you posted about before. Each time I have wondered why you stay with him, is it worth it. All the incidents together tell me no, it isn't. Make your plans. Make a life that works better for you and your DCs.
A fine example of an abusive shit. Strength to you OP
entitled to are great, please do a calculations check to see what you will get. You don't need to be told that your DH is a narc hun... best rid! The issue with narcs is that they genuinely don't see their behaviour as being bad. Your DD's will grow up thinking its normal to be treated like that if you don't show them different. Good Luck OP, we are here for you xx
If you could click your fingers and have things be different (ie, him not around) without having to go through the difficult in between stage of emotional and financial disruption, would you? If yes, you have your answer.
I think you are mad staying with him.
He's clearly abusive.
Get him out.
The issue is he seems so pleasant to everyone else and he is so adamant that it is me that is the problem I have come to believe it is.
He says I emotionally abuse him. I have called him a tw*t before now but really only when I am in tears over some huge row. He typically "gaslights" in my opinion. Pushes until I break and then says I'm crazy or overreacting.
The worst thing is all this has happened in front of my dad. Last night was the last straw. He has lived in this house (as it was previously) for over 30 years. Now it is owned by all 3 of us but we are in a hugely uncomfortable environment. My DDs love their dad. I couldn't bear that they would hate me for separating. Then there is the guilt I feel about my dad - he allowed the redevelopment to help us out. He helps me out with good intentions as has now been essentially abused! I feel responsible for that too.
My DH even says that he tries to please everyone to his detriment. WTF? Yes he goes to work but that is it. When I was working full time I was doing the longer hours!
Possibly mad to have not gone before imo but you should probable get some good legal advice asap before making your actually telling him. And copy everything, pensions, savings accounts, wage slips etc.
badgoushk yes I would. I can't think of anything I'd like more than just to be on my own.
My dad has stayed quiet on the subject. I detect he is distinctly pissed off but doesn't want to put me in a difficult position. He did say perhaps we should just sell the house and he go off and live elsewhere but I feel so saddened as to him moving from the house that holds such an emotional tie for him. He has said he won't ever eat with us again and will stay in his part.
I feel humiliated and embarrassed by DH and cannot see how we would move past it.
Your dd;s wouldn't be happier living with an unhappy mum who is walking on egg shells. Your dad would be more comfortable with that ass gone too. Tell your Dh he doesn't need to please everyone anymore, that you want him out.
It sounds to me like your 'D'H is full of resentment for some reason. Is it worth getting to the bottom of what he's resentful about to see if the whole lot is salvageable? Relate?
OMG your poor dad that's awful. I would leave him for the way he is emotionally abusing your dad too. And your poor dad is putting up with it for your sake. In a way OP (im so sorry this is harsh) but it is your fault, you allow yourself and your dad to be treated this way. Your responsible for making sure your daughters don't grow up thinking woman should be treated this way. You cant move past it, Narcs don't change its an imprint on their brain, don't make everyone else suffer by staying with him.
He's a nasty, bullying man.
Get rid. You'll need to find out how it would work re the house (can you buy him out of his share?) but I imagine your life would be immeasurably better without him in it. Your children will adapt and cope and no doubt will be happier in the long term not having to grow up with him in the home.
Tax credits are dependent on income, you can check eligibility and play around with the numbers here www.gov.uk/tax-credits-calculator
Or tell him the best way he can please everyone else is by leaving
Can you and your dad buy him out of his share?
He blames my dad. Says he feels like I always consult with him. But I only consult with him about childcare arrangements for the 2 days I work! My DH is absolutely not going to take on the school run responsibilities on those days. Even when he has had annual leave when I am at work he hasn't gone and got them from school but left it to my dad!!!!
I think his resentment is that he feels threatened by my dad. Dad also cooks on the two days I work.
But he doesn't want to do those things - it's more that he just wants me to do it all!
He sounds very old fashioned. Like he has very set ideas about male vs female roles. Is his Mum very subservient to his Dad?
I feel so sad for you reading this post. I think the first thing you should do is talk to your dad and tell him how you're feeling. He knows what's going on and is just trying to do the right thing by staying out of your marriage but it must be awful for him to be so close to the situation yet helpless. If you were my daughter, I would be so glad that you had seen the light and would move heaven and earth to get you away from this man. He is a very bad example to your children of how a husband behaves and treats his wife. You don't want them to grow up with this expectation of what a marriage is. If this was happening to one of your dds, what would you want them to do?
Talk to your dad, he sounds absolutely lovely. Then find out what you're entitled to. Don't talk about selling the house because it may very well not have to come to that.
I'm so sorry you're going through this but it's great that you have a lovely dad to hold your hand through what is surely to come ie divorce.
You are most definitely NOT the problem. Your husband is an abusive bastard. Do not go to counselling with him, it will not work - it doesn't work when one partner is abusive (google it).
Get legal advice about the house, go to CAB to ask about how living with your dad may or may not affect benefits you would be entitled to - I'm not sure that the online calculators will work in your specific situation until you know how it will be classed.
Your DDs will not hate you for leaving. It will undoubtedly be hard for them, but you will be doing the best thing for them that you possibly can - modelling that you do not deserve to be treated like this, and that they in turn deserve better. They will thank you in the long run, and will cope in the short. If you don't leave then you could (likely will) be watching them being treated exactly as you are, possibly worse. Do you want that? (Of course you don't).
It's hard, you will have to weather some tough shit, but it will be worth it. Frankly, your H sounds dangerous. Abuse typically escalates when the abused partner tries to leave, so make sure you stay safe. Start by making sure you log out of mn when you're not using it, and delete your browsing history.
You are lucky to have your dad so close. It sounds like he will be supportive and in all likelihood roundly relieved when you make the break.
You can do it. This is NOT, NOT, NOT your fault.
You sound quite a formal and ordered person (and I dont mean that in a nasty way) whereas he sounds chaotic, disorganised, quite nasty and entitled. They say opposites attract, I think they often doo but further down the line the differences can cause real issues. My husband can be like this too and make decisions unilaterally and then when he doesnt like the outcome gets unpleasant with everyone, rather than calmly accept itw as a poor decision. You have my sympathy. Personally I think he should leave for some time on his own and then see how you feel.
Thank you everyone. Of course my DDs think he is wonderful.
badgoushk his parents are awful and he has sadly turned just like his dad. They have the saddest marriage ever, his dad won't even make himself a cup of tea if she's not there to do it!
Yes, the online calculator doesn't take into account my living arrangements. I don't want my dad to have to fund me/the house.
I can't decide if he directs the blame for this towards my dad because he knows that I think my dad is lovely and that it adds extra humiliation or if he genuinely believes it. He was like this before we moved here after all, but then it was because of money worries or job stress etc. There is always a reason.
I even suggested marriage councilling last year but he didn't want to.
I don't know what to do or say when he gets home.
I know he will turn the girls against me.
I'm terrified he will not pay the fees for youngest and she will have to leave the school she loves.
Sorry, you need good legal advice.
Your DCs love your dad too, I don't think he'll manage to turn them against you both. 'They' don't all think he is wonderful, they have heard about his behaviour at the wedding, and schools barely know who he is I imagine.
As his job is sooo important, I doubt he'll be wanting to take on all the care that goes with the children, so you should be ok.
It sounds horrible, such a shame for you and DF.
Bloody hell OP. He's a complete knob-jockey.
You need to get out of this and soon.
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