Husband's uncontrollable anger

[jimthecat]

My husband has a bad temper seems to love being angry. This weekend has been awful and I am fed up. On Friday he came home furious due to something which admittedly, he was right to be angry about, but he spent the whole evening shouting, slamming doors, insulting the person that he was angry with and just creating a really horrible atmosphere.

Yesterday he was playing a computer game (which he claims to do to relax and escape from his stressful job) and he was so angry that he broke something of mine and was ranting so loudly that again, the atmosphere was awful. I told him his behaviour was unacceptable to which he started ranting at me about all sorts of things (the kitchen being untidy, I hadn't booked a flight I was supposed to etc. etc.).

Then this morning, he woke up in another foul mood as he had to leave for a work seminar at 11am. He hadn't started packed anything so again, I was ranted at because he couldn't find a specific jacket, because the basement was untidy, because the coat cupboard has too many of my coats in it... He finally left but not before throwing his case (which incidentally is actually mine) out of the front door and then kicking our DD's car seat as he was in such a temper he trapped his hand behind it when trying to remove it.

He wanted to say bye to me but I just told him coldly that he needs to spend the next few days thinking about controlling his anger as I won't stand for it any more. He slammed the car door and drove off.

We have had issues in the past with his anger and he always blames someone else or the fact that he is stressed - he works in a incredibly stressful job. I am beginning to think he enjoys being stressed and angry. It's extremely wearing for me and I don't want our DD being exposed to this kind of anger.

I tried to get him to seek out counselling to help him with his anger but he doesn't want to. However, I go to counselling for my own issues and I have spent a lot of time talking to my therapist about dealing with my DH. She has helped me to see that his anger is not down to me and has given me ways standing up to him, but warned me that it could make him worse before seeing any improvement. I feel that this is what I've seen this weekend as from Friday, I haven't accepted his anger and have challenged him on it on each occasion.

Does anyone have any advice? What should I be telling him to do to deal with his anger? I know lots of people will say I should leave but it's really not what I want at the moment.

[tribpot]

which incidentally is actually mine

Really? You think it's a coincidence that in his angry outbursts it's your stuff or DD's stuff that gets damaged? It isn't.

How does he behave at work? Does he lose his temper, slam doors, rant, break other people's stuff?

[ElspethFlashman]

Uncontrollable my arse.

He controls it at work otherwise he'd be fired.

He doesn't control it with you cos he couldn't be bothered.

[ElspethFlashman]

I don't want our DD being exposed to this kind of anger.

She is.

[TheStoic]

Lots of people will tell you to leave, because you should leave.

What do you think will make him behave like an adult? Obviously nothing you say is having an effect.

What would your advice be to a friend in this situation? Or your daughter?

[MrsBertBibby]

I disagree. He controls his anger just fine at home too. It's only your stuff he's breaking, and he has a nice intimidated house-elf to blame for everything.

[jimthecat]

OK well thanks for your replies although I suppose I was hoping for something more constructive.
I don't think he is particularly polite at work either tbh. He is demanding with everyone.

[TheStoic]

There is no answer to your question, OP.

'How do I get my husband to behave better when he doesn't want to behave better?'

Answer: you can't.

[HeavenlyEyes]

so why are you with him? He sounds an abusive arse and you should leave him - and that is a constructive reply btw.

[user1477282676]

There is no constructive when you're staying with a man who is exposing your child to violence and anger like this. It WILL damage her. It WILL affect her.

it already is.

You don't really want to leave....so when your DD is an adult, she will know that.

[HyacinthsBucket]

My DH has got a very short fuse, and I always reacted to him in the same way you've done this weekend. What works for me is treating him in exactly the same you would treat a toddler having a tantrum - ignore it completely and walk away. It's really helped us both, and he knows that he gets zero attention from me or the kids when he's like it. And the whole reason that that anger gets displayed is for attention - you need to break the cycle.

[tessiebear4]

Anger often masks other emotions. Is he like this literally all the time? If not - and I hope he isn't! - can you tell him when he is calm how it makes you feel?

[PollytheDolly]

Will he contact you when he's away?

If so, ignore him. He's behaving like a prick.

But do tell him first, that if he can't come home in an acceptable mood, not to come home at all.

[tribpot]

There's a difference between being demanding with people and ranting, slamming doors and breaking their stuff. Does he do that at work? Almost certainly not, as he'd get fired.

It's good that your counsellor understands that his anger is not about you or what you've done or not done. If he doesn't want to deal with his anger, and you're not prepared to create any negative consequences for it to give him some incentive, what do you really imagine will change?

I would ask your counsellor for some reading material related to the effect of growing up in an angry household on small children - I think this may help you see what needs to be done.

[jimthecat]

Thank you Hyacinth, I appreciate your reply. I did used to pander to his anger or scuttle around trying to help him to look for things etc. but since seeing my therapist I am behaving differently. Which she said may make him worse but hopefully should help break the cycle. I wonder if I should refuse him contact with DD and me while he is away for work to try to show him I am serious?
No Tessie, he is not always like this at all.

[lifeisazebracrossing]

I can become angry when I am stressed. It doesn't feel great doing it either. But it isn't acceptable behaviour and certainly not all the time and to the extent you've described.

My advice: help him by labelling and acknowledging the emotion (legs really feeling (look up the anger iceberg - frustration, resentment, stress, maybe?) and encourage him to seek help as he's stuck in a cycle.

Does he feel trapped in the stressful job to provide for the family perhaps? A career change and less money may well be better than luring his family.

[ChuckSnowballs]

but warned me that it could make him worse before seeing any improvement.

Improvement? The best improvement would be to get rid of this arsehole from you and your daughter's lives.

[lifeisazebracrossing]

*he's not legs!

[lifeisazebracrossing]

Losing not luring!

(Bloody phone!)

[HeavenlyEyes]

so you think you can teach him a lesson and cure him?

[Oddsockspissmeoff]

This isn't uncontrollable anger, it's abusive behaviour. Of course it isn't uncontrollable. Does he behave like this at work, or in other people's homes? Has he ever behaved like that in front of anyone else?

Nothing will change until you acknowledge this for what it is. Having experienced this myself my advice is this. Next time he's yelling and smashing things up, ring the police. To be honest I'm surprised your neighbours haven't called them.

[smartiecake]

Only he can decide to start behaving like an adult or if he wants help he will seek it. If you don't want your child exposed to this you have to live apart. She is already being exposed to this if she is in the home. She will think this is an acceptable way for an adult to behave. She will start to change her behaviour to avoid these situations or to not upset daddy as she gets older. If she was an adult and her partner was like this and she wanted advice what would you say?
Neither you or your DD have to live in an atmosphere or treading on egg shells around your H who sounds like a controlling arse.
He needs to move out until he can behave like an adult, and you need to get your DD away from this toxic environment.

[jimthecat]

I know he doesn't feel great at all life. That is good advice about trying to get him to label his emotions.
He has lots of issues and I am sure that no one ever stopped his anger when he was a child so his outbursts are ingrained.

[Bluntness100]

I don't think he is particularly polite at work either tbh. He is demanding with everyone.

[smartiecake]

You asked what you should be telling him as you don't want him to leave at the moment

Why not? It doesn't sound like he wants to live with you he certainly
Is not showing you respect. What should you tell him? That his bags will be on the doorstep when he comes home unless he can behave
Like an adult

[smilingsarahb]

Has he got depression? It's different in men than women. .angrier. or does he drink a lot? My DH was pretty like this and stopped drinking. It was worse for a bit and now it's there but manageable.