Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Emotional Affair? WWYD?(77 Posts)
NC for this, but I am a long time lurker and recent poster, I promise.
I've been with DH for 8 years, we got married last June. We have a DS who is 3 and are ttc DC2. (This is mutual btw, he is just as eager to conceive as me, or so he says).
A bit of background, DH has always been flirty, but so am I so I just see it as harmless fun really. He's also a bit of a liar. Only small white lies really, I think that he likes to be liked and often lies to people so as not to upset them/let them down IYSWIM. Anyway, he started a new job a few months ago, and he's working at the same company as my DM. There's a young, pretty, blonde girl there (lets call her Amy) and as soon as I met her I had that funny feeling in the pit of my stomach, but DH assured me that of course he wasn't interested, I'm the only one for him etc. DM told me about an incident a few months ago where her and Amy were invited out after an event, and they ended up in this bar with a few others, one of whom was an older married guy with kids. However, him and Amy were all over each other and disappeared for half an hour. DM said that it was the first time she'd seen Amy in this light, and basically warned me to keep my wits about me regarding her and DH.
Long story short, he has messaged her on Whatsapp a bit, and deleted the conversations straight away. I lost it on xmas eve and told DH to ask Amy to download their whole convo history and send it me. She did, and tbh it was all quite harmless really. But I asked him to never contact her again on his personal phone, that’s what he has a work phone for.
Last night, he left his FitBit on the side, and I saw it flash up with her name (it’s one of those that links to your phone and shows any text messages that you receive). It looks like he initiated a convo with her yesterday, and it looks like he’s offered to take her out (he’s leaving the company, so it’s probably just a goodbye drink). But I checked his phone and he’s deleted the messages now. I’m 99% sure that nothing has happened (naive I know), and tbh she seems quite immature and doesn’t even realise when he’s been a bit flirty. But it’s the fact that I told him to NEVER contact her again, and he’s gone and betrayed me.
So here’s where my dilemma is. DH inherited our current house from his Aunt, but it’s currently in his DF’s name (it’s getting signed over to DH next month). So do I keep my mouth shut, pretend everything is ok, wait until the house gets signed over, and then tell him I’m leaving? Or shall I cut my loses and leave him now, even though we have no assets in our name at the moment, so I will be left with nothing? (I work PT so there’s no way I can afford my own place for me and DS). Or do I tell him that I know about the messages and try and work it out? WWYD?
You can't initiate divorce proceedings until June due to the 1 year rule, so if you decide to leave him, you might as well be patient. The house would then be his, and thus part of the financial negotiations. If you leave now, your husband might tell his dad to retain ownership of the house until the divorce is finalised. Legally you could probably still pursue it, but it probably would be harder.
Bide your time.
Thanks TreeTop7. I'm so angry that he sat there last night texting her whilst at home with me and DS. I honestly don't know how I didn't have it out with him then.
I didn't even think about the 1 year rule tbh. I'll take your advice I think and keep quiet. I don't want to come across as a gold digger, but he's caused this so why should I be left with nothing.
Is this enough to end your relationship over? Have you talked to him about contact again?
Not knowing all the details of your relationship, divorce seems like a massive step to take over what may be nothing. I'm not minimising your feelings, I am only suggesting that you consider if this is really enough to end things when on the face of it, he has just sent her a message.
Lying bastard. on your behalf. Yes, I agree that you should bide your time, you don't owe him anything if he deliberately disrespects your feelings and marriage to make himself feel good.
Did you tell him what your dm saw? Not sure if it would be a good thing (he would know to watch out for inappropriate behaviour and stop before it went too far) or not (he would then think he was in with a chance, as you would be oblivious). How much do you trust him? I know I would be wanting to be a fly on the wall at that drinks 'date'!
gincamelbak I honestly don't know at the moment. It's the fact that I told him that if he ever messages her again then I would end things with him. And he's gone and done it. He knew that I was checking his Whatsapp, so he text her instead and immediately deleted the messages, which makes me feel even more betrayed. If I tell him that I know then he will beg my forgiveness, and promise me he'll never do it again. But the fact that he keeps doing it means that I am really struggling to trust him.
Totally bide your time. And start squirrelling as much money away as you can.
Meanwhile do a bit more digging - has he invited her along to his leaving drinks or has he asked her and only her out for a drink.
namechange102 My DM told him, in a bit of a jokey way so as not to look like she was stirring. He played it down to me, saying that DM probably over exaggerated. I just feel like such a mug. He makes all these promises, he cried his eyes out on xmas day saying that he didn't want to lose me and would do anything, and he'd never contact her again. Then he goes and messages her last night, and deletes it straight away.
Just to add, the problem with "harmless flirting" which you say you and your DH both partake in and it's all cool and just a bit of fun, well for some people on the receiving end of the flirting it's not "just fun", and it becomes easy as the "harmless flirter" to start pushing the boundaries, even possibly without realising.
I mean, your DH hasn't got a leg to stand on as you've explicitly told him contact with this woman was a deal breaker, but otherwise, he could put forwards a very good argument that it's only harmless flirting.
canarysong I have some money put away already from the sale of our last house. It's enough for me to rent somewhere for me and DS and pay towards our bills for probably 8-9 months. I just worry about what I'd do when that runs out.
And the message that she sent DH said "aw thank you, you really don't have to! I'll have a think where we could go xx" So I'm guessing that he has just invited her out alone.
I took a photo of the messages on his FitBit so he can't try and worm his way out of it. I will try and get more evidence, but he always has his phone on him, and deletes their conversations straight away so it might be quite difficult.
But yeah he has deliberately gone against the rule that I set, which makes me think that he really doesn't give a shit about me and our marriage.
bide your time Op, you'd be an EVEN bigger mug if you walked away penniless for the sake of a few weeks. Myabe he'd do the right thing and split 50/50 but I wouldn't take a chance on it for DS's sake. I wouldn't like it, you've said to stop contact because the relationship wasn't properly platonic and you know she's got form, and he's ignored that. Even low level lying about women would be hard to accept in a partner long term for me.
oh can l just add please stop ttc right away...
RogueStar01 thank you, I'm just so angry that I started to trust him again these last few weeks, and that if he hadn't left his FitBit on the side yesterday then I wouldn't know anything about this and I'd be carrying on like the naive person I am. It's going to be so hard trying to act normal the next few weeks because I'm such an emotional person normally. But I know I've got to.
yeah I'd be fuming but you've done all that, there's not much to gain from seeing him turn on the tears again, I'd worry that all that will happen with another reveal that you've seen the messages is that he'll get more devious about hiding his inappropriate behaviours, if he was going to stop it, you wouldn't be here I think. Keep it together for your DS, his whole life with you will be better if you can get some money to keep you both at a reasonable living standard if you do split up eventually. Your DH knows what he's doing wrong and he's chosen not to change so there isn't much to talk about even though you want to shout at him. It's a very tough position to be in, I'd want to shout at DH and 'have it out' immediately too but you have high consequences financially.
I'm so angry for you reading that .
I'm sure you'll get people on here and even in real life try and minimise this. But he has shown a total lack of respect for you by continuing to message her and now arranging to meet up .
I think you'd definitely be right to keep quiet until the house is sorted. I really feel for you though as I would find it so hard to hold back in this situation.
roguestar01 You're completely right. I know that if I had it out with him, then he'll just find new ways to contact her. And tbh the trust is gone now, I don't think I would ever learn to trust him again and I don't want to be in a marriage where I'm constantly wondering what he's up to.
aquamarina100 It's easier when I'm with him, because I look at him and just feel so angry and hurt. It's when I'm here at work and getting all emotional and thinking that I just want to ring him and tell him what I know.
Im in a similar situation, bide your time, dont put yourself in a worse situation and see how it goes. Keep tabs! (dont let on if you do find anything-- I know its very hard, I did that and it made it harder than ever to keep tabs as he stopped with Whatsapp almost straight away )
user I'm so sorry that you are going through this too. It's horrible isn't it, I just feel like the last 8 years have been a lie, and it makes me wonder what else he could have been up to in the past. I'm going to try and do a bit more digging but I'll keep it under wraps.
yes one things for sure if he does meet up with her on his own, the treachery will be undeniable. Best you can, try and distract yourself. When things are particularly bad, I do alternative life planning - looking for properties I'd live in with we split up etc. I find it quite calming to envisage the alternative future and find it's not so bad, helps me emotionally distance myself a bit.
Hang on a minute. Your mum saw this girl all over another married man and now the assumptions are being made based on that? How exactly is her potentially being with another married man on a night out relevant to what's been happening here?
Added to that, when you saw the messages you yourself admit that they were harmless, and yet you told him that if he ever messages her again the marriage is over? Really?
Clearly there are trust issues here, but if this is your reaction to your husband daring to message someone of the opposite sex then I can see why he deleted any messages
As for squirrelling away money, he will be as entitled to half of that as you would be to his inheritance in fact iirc some inheritance is protected so I wouldn't be so sure you will be entitled to any of it.
But you both sound incredibly immature and as if there is a severe lack of communication in your relationship. You need to resolve that one way or another or you will find yourself in a similar situation time and time again if you walk away from this relationship into the next one and so on.
Yes, also on the same boat with the others, bite your tongue and look for any other evidence if it's possible. I did this 5 weeks before I confronted my OH and I'm still surprised I managed to do that because I'm also very emotional. He deleted the messages straight away but he did forgot to do that for few times.
If splitting up is a real possibility for you, I'd suggest you give the money from the previous house sale to your mother until you need that when you rent a new place if it is considered as mutual assets - it's a two way street, so it's better to be absolutely sure he can't demand half of it.
Op you are doing a great job holding it together and not going crazy at him, you sound very smart. He sounds like a liar and I think you know deep down that his lies are bigger than you first thought. I chucked my partner out a couple days before Christmas, luckily we hadn't been together as long as you and your dh and we didn't have children together, he always told little lies to supposedly make people happy, I found several whatsapp convosations on his phone, one where he had obviously met up with one woman fro sex, I went crazy and chucked all his things out the front door and got the locks changed.
I think because of your situation with the house you need to sit tight until the house is signed over to him, you will then be entitled to half? And you can screw him over which is what he deserves. In the next month start putting money aside ready to leave, look for somewhere to go and talk to your family (if you can), you will need as much support from family and friends as you can get.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.