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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH attitude to sex getting me down

63 replies

sexelephantintheroom · 30/12/2016 14:59

Hi all - I'm a regular member but have NC due to the nature of my question.

Since the birth of our 2nd DC sex in our marriage has taken a turn for the worst but was slipping before then.

Shortly before I got pregnant with my 2nd DC my DH had been looking at porn and being dishonest. Although we quickly sorted it out it left a lasting horrible feeling towards sex with him.

Then since 2nd DC was born I've suffered from PND and my sex drive has all but vanished. However, my DH's behaviour to sex is really getting me down.

I feel I'm constantly being pestered for sex. I'm woken up 2/3 sometimes more times a night being groped, him trying to pull my trousers down and pushing himself against me. It's got to the point where I make sure I face in to the bed to stop him from doing this. I have very young DC and a tiring job and am exhausted by there constant waking. When I approach him about this he is very huffy, says he won't do it again but always does.

He complains that I'm not intimate with him (kissing and cuddling etc) and it's true - I'm not because if it doesn't lead to sex he's moody and makes me feel guilty.

This morning this all came to ahead after a particularly bad night of being woken three times by him coupled with not feeling very well and I told him how annoyed I was. The upshot of the discussion was him telling me not to be surprised if he cheats because I'm not giving him any. Obviously was really upset by this and he later apologised but I feel so hurt.

We don't have sex that often (few times a month) and I feel his pressurising behaviour towards sex just turns me off even more.

Really don't know where to go from here. Would welcome any advice.

OP posts:

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TheNaze73 · 30/12/2016 15:11

It's the classic wheel of destruction in a relationship, that'll end up going tits up, if one of you doesn't change (and in this case, it should be him)
He doesn't think you're interested. If you want to save what you have, he needs to readjust how he deals with being rejected. Totally get how he feels but, the way he's trying to sort the situation out is bordering on criminal behaviour

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2016 15:14

I couldn't be doing with that, waking me up accidentally is bad enough, but repeatedly to demand sex and he'd be sleeping elsewhere. I thnink you need to sit him down and talk to him and tell him if it doesn't stop you need to sleep I seperate rooms until he can control himself.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 30/12/2016 15:17

I wouldn't be interested in continuing a relationship with someone who groped me during the night and gave me ultimatums like that.

Followed by a quick kick in the bollox if he tried it again.

TheSparrowhawk · 30/12/2016 15:20

So he's waking you up to sexually assaulted you multiple times a night?

You ould report him to the police, but at the very very least he needs to leave asap.

TheSparrowhawk · 30/12/2016 15:21

You could

TheSparrowhawk · 30/12/2016 15:22

Dame I don't think advising the OP to physically assault her partner if he sexually assaults her again is sensible.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 30/12/2016 15:23

I didn't advise her to do that, I said what I'd do.

hugoagogo · 30/12/2016 15:24

Indeed, a severe talking to about how unacceptable this behaviour is.
He needs to sleep elsewhere if he can't stop himself, by which I mean a different building probably.
If he cannot understand how bad this is and start rebuilding trust then I don't see how you can move on.

sexelephantintheroom · 30/12/2016 15:31

Thanks so much for all of the replies. It's nice to know that my feelings have been backed up and I'm not being unreasonable.

I do want to have an improved sex life (as obviously so does he) but he's going totally the wrong way about it. It's completely having the opposite effect.

Our relationship outside the bedroom is good. We spend lots of time together, shared interests, chat lots and cuddle etc.

But in the bedroom there's a massive elephant in the room. He just doesn't seem to 'get it'.

OP posts:

TheSparrowhawk · 30/12/2016 15:33

Perhaps the police could explain it to him

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2016 15:34

He just doesn't seem to 'get it'.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 30/12/2016 15:35

I agree with sparrow

I find it hard to believe your relationship is fantastic outside the bedroom tbh. Are you being totally honest with yourself?

TheSparrowhawk · 30/12/2016 15:36

Unless he's a raving idiot, he absolutely does get it. He just doesn't care.

Wolfiefan · 30/12/2016 15:38

He's sexually assaulting you. You can't continue to sleep in the same room.

alotlikeChristmas16 · 30/12/2016 15:38

He must get it, it'd drive anyone mad to be groped nightly, let alone multiple times a night.

celeste84 · 30/12/2016 15:41

He sounds like a pest. As for threatening to have an affair, what a prick.

Naicehamshop · 30/12/2016 15:44

Show him this thread.

expatinscotland · 30/12/2016 15:44

He is assaulting you. He is assaulting you. He is assaulting you. Then he turns it round and says it's your fault if he cheats on you for not accepting the assault. There is so many shades of wrong. I'd start sleeping elsewhere.

Oh, and he totally gets it. He'd never behave like this at work, would he?

Bet you London to a brick he's using porn. That'll be your fault, too, for not servicing his cock like a machine.

deblet · 30/12/2016 15:48

When you have discussed this what plans have you put in place for sex/intimacy? If you have both agreed for example on Saturday nights then you need to say that is what we have agreed and if you persist in your behaviour I will leave/move into another room etc. If you just expect him to have no intimacy then again make that clear. You need to have a proper conversation about sex and agree the forward plan repeatedly trying to get you to have sex when asleep is obviously not a good idea and is making you dislike him. But equally I have to say if my dh did not want me I would finish the relationship or look elsewhere because I would feel rejected so you have to come to a joint decision,you can't just put up with this. And neither can he.

CherrySkull · 30/12/2016 15:50

the last time DH and I had an argument and he threatened to leave, i called his bluff and said "You know where the door is, don't let it hit your arse on the way out" and he stomped off in a strop (didn't leave though)

Your DH is being a bully, you need to be very firm with him and if he makes threats like that, call his bluff and tell him to piss off.

RichardBucket · 30/12/2016 15:50

He does get it. He knows forcing himself on you in your sleep is wrong.

I had the same thing from my husband. I can't tell you how amazing it was when I kicked him out and went to bed alone for the first time in years. I lay there spread-eagled with a stupid grin on my face thinking, "I'll never have to lie here tense and afraid, waiting for the hints and groping to start."

It's amazing not to have to put up with it. Amazing.

SemiNormal · 30/12/2016 15:51

This is what happened with my ex after I had a child. I wasn't willing to give in to his continuing demands of sex and so he cheated, several times, and of course felt completely justified by his actions. IF he had approached the situation differently rather than seeing me as a tool for his sexual gratification then I am positive I would have been more willing to respond to his sexual advances, but who wants to have sex with a gropey pervy fucker who is only nice to you if they get sex in return.

I honestly don't know what you could/should do in this situation OP - he seems to not care about how he's making you feel at all, on the flip side I'm sure he'll be seeing your sexual rejection of him as you not caring about him (or at least he'll convince himself of this to justify his pervy behaviour)..

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DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 30/12/2016 15:51

Yes, of course he gets it.

SemiNormal · 30/12/2016 15:52

RichardBucket - That is such an excellent point! I felt so free when I was no longer scared to go to bed. I used to stay up as late as it took for him to fall asleep on the sofa just so I could crawl into bed unpestered. Looking back it makes me incredibly sad that I tolerated that bullshit for so long, no one should feel like that.

sexelephantintheroom · 30/12/2016 15:58

I've sent him the link to the thread and he's refusing to look. Probably because he knows full well he's in the wrong.

We'd agreed to designate a day for sex. I agreed to this, even said that perhaps making sure it's a regular thing would increase sex drive.

Then he starts complaining about how I always just want a quickie (he's quickies are 30+mins) and that's not good enough. Just makes me feel like unless I'm some sort of performing porn star it's not going to be good enough anyway so what's the point.

Perhaps things have just run their course now. Feel sad for my DC's.

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