I want to leave

[KittensXmasTrifle]

My marriage has just petered out. It's been failing for a while, and I just don't have the energy to go on anymore.

We have had sex once this year. We row a lot. I feel very lonely and abandoned within the relationship.

He's a good man, and he loves me. I love him too. But we just can't seem to make it work. He works long hours, we've just relocated for the third time in five years for his job. I am exhausted, both by all the moving and the emotional absence at home.

We still have our flat in our last location- it needed some building work finishing before we sold it, and his employer have rented us somewhere for a year in the new location.

I just want to go home, even if it is all plastic sheeting and dust. I want peace and quiet and a break from all the fighting. I want to be somewhere that I actually know a few people and have familiar surroundings. Not be in the middle of nowhere , somewhere I know no-one and nothing, spending too much time on my own because he has a new workload to handle and is too knackered when he's not working to do anything.

I just want to pack a bag and hop back on the train, it'll take about 4 or 5 hours to get back.

How do I do it? Do I just go? I don't want to tell him in advance because it'll just mean another fight. He's got a work Xmas party all afternoon. Am I just gone when he gets back. Do I leave a note, text him when I get back.

I don't know if I am leaving because I want to leave for good, or just to get some space, or even just to communicate how done in I am. I don't know what to do.

[Cricrichan]

Have you got kids?

You sound completely worn out and it must be bad if you're considering leaving without talking to him. All the best op xx

[SecretPeanut]

How long have you been married?

I think it would be a bit unfair to just go without saying anything, but if he feels the same as you he is probably waiting for you to make the suggestion of a split, even if its only temporary.

It sounds like you have made your mind up. If there are no children involved, i would speak to him tomorrow morning and tell him exactly what your plans are and why. Your going to move back to the flat just to get a bit of space and go from there

[FlouncedBack]

Sounds like you're stressed out, you poor thing. Could you just go and not even think about whether it's permanent or temporary so you're not adding more stress by thinking too far ahead - like an emergency spa break before you break?

[KittensXmasTrifle]

We've been married nearly 5 years, no kids.

I've tried talking to him about going back to the flat for some space before, he talked me out of it. I even suggested he move up here a few months before me, get settled, let me get the work on the flat finished before I joined him. I also suggested we try to move more slowly- within six months rather than two. (His employer asked him to take on a new role when someone left unexpectedly- he was the only internal candidate and I think they would have shown more flexibility than he was prepared to ask them for).

But he didn't want that, he wanted us to move together, quickly. But now I trying to manage building work from a big distance and I am exhausted.

[AndShesGone]

I think the situation sounds utterly dreadful for both of you. I'm guessing he's just focusing on work because he has to establish himself in the new job and he's not got time or emotional space to focus on your relationship.

If you do go, go for good reasons. Don't expect him to follow you and don't leave an angry note. ( I'm sure you wouldn't) Leave a note that says you're really sorry, you feel horribly tired and done in and just want some space for a week or so to recuperate.

It doesn't sound like your marriage is over, it sounds like you're both at the end of your tether with circumstances. And the problem is with circumstances we take out the consequences of them on people we're closest to.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Absolutely - hop on that train.
Pack yourself enough to see you through a couple of weeks.
Don't tell him.
Text him when you get there to say you are safe but you just needed to get away to get some head-space to decide what you want for YOUR future.
Ask him to leave you alone for a good few days and just think.
Put plans in place to get the flat finished, being there will help.
I hope you get the resolution you want.

[KittensXmasTrifle]

Andshesgone yes, very much like that. He's just accused me of "not trying". Which has been the final straw for me. I organized just about everything for a rapid move across the country this year, I've done nothing but try.

Every 12-18 months he gets promoted, and has a new job. It takes about a year for him get settled enough in his job to have any space left for us. During that time he basically wants me to have no needs, make no demands on his time, energy or headspace. Which means no sex, no nights out, me organizing everything for the running of the household and coping with whatever comes my way in life on my own (I developed a health condition about four years ago, he Hasn't really helped we with that at all- he gave me two lifts to the hospital, one of which was on the condition that we leave straight after my appointment to go to another city for 3 days of meetings). In effect it means I get a husband for a few months every other year. I've not able to put down much in the way of roots or establish anything for myself due to the moving in the last while.

I can't go on like this.

[KittensXmasTrifle]

I think I need to go away so I can let go of some stuff HellsBells. There isn't going to be a family life, we aren't going to have children, or a cat or a dog or build a comfortable home together. All the things we spoke about and said we wanted. They just aren't going to happen, I can't just make them materialise without him being there in the relationship.

I need to work out whether what, realistically, I can build for myself if I stay in this relationship is the best option for me, or whether I would be better just starting again.

[Astro55]

How old are you? Not that it matters - but I think you've decided anyway - you just need the energy to leave - start planning - find paperwork - save some cash and get motivated

[Happybunny19]

You need a break pronto and he needs some time and space to think about his priorities. That's such a lot of demands for his advancement it's totally unacceptable. Do you manage to work when you're having to move so often?

[AndShesGone]

Oh dear. Ignore the 'not trying', it's just a reaction.

It really sounds like you've not demanded anything, not asserted your own wishes or needs and that you've moved reluctantly every time. I can't even imagine the amount of resentment that would store up in me

You need to assert your own wishes and stop putting his needs/job first.

Once you've got some emotional space you might decide to make the move you've done the 'last' one if you think you might be able to establish friendships and hobbies there. You might have to keep saying that for it to be heard. If you own a place together ( sounds like you do) then he doesn't get to choose for you.

I think it's really hard to stop being accommodating as it seems that you do love him very much. But you have to. And you need a rest.

I'd also try and remember he hasn't got the space to listen either right now . My dh is currently the same for many reasons you've listed so I'm leaving him alone til after Christmas (he's basically knackered). So you might need space and time yourself but also have to remember that he's got neither while he's working.

[KittensXmasTrifle]

I'm 41 Astro. I did manage to work for the first move Happybunny, not for the last one, mostly due to being ill at the same time, although I did manage a couple of volunteering things.

The day he came back from work to speak to me about this move I had an interview for a volunteer position which was the sort that usually leads to a paid position. I went to the interview (they loved me, really loved me and I could tell I would have fitted in there well) and had to say "there's a strong chance I might be moving though, I'll know at the end of the month". I tried to get us to think about moving at different times or a bit later so I could do a six month stint with them and at least get that under my belt, but he wouldn't hear of even suggesting something like that to his employer. He said it was either he turned down the promotion or we left together quite quickly. He made out that turning his offer down was an option, but I wasn't feeling that. I had also just signed up for a short skills refresher course and a part-time university course starting a few months later, so I could get back on a proper career path after moving and being ill. Where we are is too remote to do those, plus we will be moving again next summer, probably somewhere about 50 miles from here. The courses will be viable again once we move, as that location is less isolated/remote. But the thought of having to move again just makes me feel sick.

I think that's just it And ShesGone. I know he doesn't have the space to deal with it just now. But he expects me to be able to actively support and understand what is going on with him without him even having to say anything to me. I don't have the capacity for that amount of flex/mind reading. He thinks I am just being difficult and "not trying" if I don't just magically know what he needs as soon as he needs it.

He doesn't even want to say what time he'll be home in the evening before he leaves- he wants just to be able to text "I'm leaving now" at whatever time he feels he is ready to stop working. I get that he feels, pressured at work, but if I am not in, or busy doing something when he gets back at 20 minutes notice, he gets angry with me for not being available to him. He went away for a week to a conference abroad and left me on my own in a town where I know literally no-one. The electrics in the rented house exploded one evening- I coped at the time but had a panic attack the next day after everything was sorted, and he was angry that I called him at the conference during the lunch break to talk to him.

He prints off his diary so I can check whether he has a meeting before I call him so that I don't disturb him. He would prefer that I didn't just call/text/email him during the day, but if I insist that we should have some contact during the day rather than none, I have to check against his schedule whether it might disturb him. He also wants me to sound enthusiastic every time I hear from him, but admits he doesn't always sound happy to hear from me, so perhaps it is unfair to expect me to sound happy to hear from him all the time. But last week when I mentioned that the diary checking made me feel like he wanted me out of his life, he started crying, clutched onto me and said "Please don't leave me, please don't leave me" in such a heart rending voice.

Now that I write this down it's not sounding good is it.

[KittensXmasTrifle]

In fact it's totally fucking ridiculous.

[Cricrichan]

Bloody hell op. Leave the selfish, thoughtless, arrogant idiot. That's no life.

[hellsbellsmelons]

No it's not.
He's sounding more and more selfish the more you write.
I couldn't be that trailing spouse, I know I just couldn't do it.
You don't have to if you don't want to.
At 41 you now need to get your career on track.
Get settled and enjoy life.
This doesn't sound like a life for you at all.
Do what is right for you right now.

[Therightplace9]

With no kids it's a lot easier so do whatever will make you happy.

[KittensXmasTrifle]

I need to spend this afternoon scanning the financials and then I need to go don't I. The volunteer people said I could start anytime I wanted if I was back in town. I could start in the New Year, part-time, do the refresher course at the same time, then get a part-time job and do the the university course alongside it. There'd be just about enough for a tiny flat for me if we split the proceeds of the sale of the flat.

When we first met, we earned about the same, although I was more senior than him as my field is generally less well paid. Now he earns about 3 times that. Some of that is down to some of the career advice/support I was able to give him due to having worked at a more senior level/in a different field. When I try to,talk to him about what I should do next, he just says I should do something creative, like take up,writing or painting, as that would mean I could move around easily.

[KittensXmasTrifle]

Sometimes I think he just wanted a relationship because it is difficult to get taken seriously/get past a certain level in his field if you don't have a family, and it looked like a bit of a personal failing to his colleagues that he was still single.

I don't like to think like that though. I just need to concentrate on my life and get going on that. I've had enough of heartbreak and loneliness.

[Helloooooitsme]

I agree that that is no life. If it feels too big to think of it as leaving why don't you think of it just as a break. I bet within a week you would know what you want. Fwiw it sounds as if it is over.

[BadRespawn]

I've said it before here, and I'll say it again; it never fails to amaze me what some people are happy to call a marriage. This is a total one-way street, and you might as well be a Stepford wife or paid employee of his for all that your personal qualities matter to him. Frankly, it sounds like he'd be better off with a PA than a wife. Get yourself out of this situation and if you're callous like me watch everything he has 'built', career-wise, come tumbling down without someone thanklessly running around frantically behind the scenes to keep the whole thing operational

[BarbarianMum]

Ugh, after reading your latter posts I am thinking Stepford Wife too. Yes, go - and think very carefully about coming back again. Your happiness seems to be a very minor detail in the face of "His Mighty Career ".

[Purplebluebird]

Oh this doesn't sound like a good life at all for you. I agree, pack your bags and don't look back. You can find a healthy relationship in a better location, you really can.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Good grief - it really is all about him!
You know what to do.
You get one shot at this life.
Don't spend it unhappy, trailing around after a selfish man.
Time to take YOUR life by the horns and do what you want to do.

[SelfCleaningVagina]

I haven't even read the OP, I just scrolled down the page and caught sight of 'we haven't got any kids'

That's enough. If you don't have children and you want to leave then leave. It doesn't matter whether your reasons make sense to anyone else. You have one life and at this stage you owe nothing to anyone and have nobody for whose happiness is your responsibility but yourself. Leave while you can because it won't get any easier or any better than it is right now.

[FlouncedBack]

Sound like you're expected to be his PA rather than his wife.
Do you think he would be prepared to move back to be with you
even if it meant changing jobs or taking a demotion, would that be
that an option for you?