Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How could I get it so wrong again !!!

(74 Posts)
moonie70 Sun 06-Nov-16 13:15:18

Feeling so upset today and need to see how some of you would feel after a date I had on Friday .
Been talking on and off to someone for a year had a few dates which lead to an invite over to his house and an offer of him cooking .
I know he is successful and an over confident to the point of being obnoxious and well plain big headed
As he has money he had already asked me to go to Morroco for new year depending on how things progressed .
I felt overwhelmed by his direct approach but thought I'd give it a chance as his arrogance might be because he's showing off , his car alone is worth over 50,000 plus alone .
He's talked of one of his female friends being in love with him but I'm not to worry because he finds her tonplastic looking and he would never go there.
His last relationship ended at the start of October and was on and off for 1 year , when they were off he would contact me .
We met on tinder, he assured me he really wanted us to try to make a go off things as he really liked me .
My issue fast forward to us ending up in bed , I found him very demanding and wouldn't take no for an answer at his request for oral sex , I tried sorry to much info but I have a jaw that's clicks and is sore and he is well endowed and I couldn't do it .
He said oh go on give me a blow job you have 3 options up the bum , front penetration or blow job , I said no I don't want to and he said well I won't let you go till you do , I'll kidnap you and rape you , WTF my blood ran cold , I said don't say that and he passed it off as a Joke , well I wasn't laughing .
I was still tired and hung over from the night before and just wanted a hug and to rest.
When we did have sex he was rough as in not going slow with penetration , even tho I said ouch a few times he still carries on , no concern for my feelings at all . He just went at it like a power drill and I faked pleasure even tho I was hurting 😞.
He said I can't wait till we go on holiday I'm going to bang you senseless.
I've been in an abusive relationship before and he knows this and I'm over sensitive but I feel completely violated and upset by his actions.
I felt like he wanted sex as many times as he could before he dropped me off home ,
I don't sleep around and I'm so disappointed that even tho my gut was telling me he wasn't right for me I put myself through this .
Please someone tell me is this me or was he completely out of order here.

I've blocked him as I'm in bits today and sore down below as he was rough , I feel such a fool .
Please can someone give me there perspective on this

AfterSun Sun 06-Nov-16 13:27:00

He was completely out of order. And a total arsehole.

I know he is successful and an over confident to the point of being obnoxious

Trust your gut instincts - unless you think someone is utterly lovely don't even think about ending up alone with them.

Mintychoc1 Sun 06-Nov-16 13:31:19

Vile horrible man

OurBlanche Sun 06-Nov-16 13:31:26

Yes, you have been a fool!

But you have recognised a bigger one!

Trust that your foolishness was temporary and that you are wising up.

He, however, will always be a total tool who obviously can't learn from his past mistakes, or he would change his behaviour!

Onwards and upwards.

ImperialBlether Sun 06-Nov-16 13:33:53

Oh god, this man is awful! "Bang you senseless?" That is really horrible.

LynseyH Sun 06-Nov-16 13:35:38

Wow he's awful. Don't blame yourself though, wanting to find someone nice is normal, hoping that someone that isn't perfect will calm down abit is also normal.
I hope you can move past this, cut contact and leave it that way flowers

LuluJakey1 Sun 06-Nov-16 13:37:29

Never see him, speak to him or have any kind of contact with him again. He is disgusting and you will end up incredibly unhappy. Walk away, never look back once and block him on phone, email and social networking.

GrinchyMcGrincherson Sun 06-Nov-16 13:37:48

Walk away now for your own safety. This kind of man is used to getting what they want and won't take kindly to not getting it. Sounds like he thinks he can do whatever he liked because he is minted and women will put up and shut up.

You learnt a lesson from this. Don't settle for anyone who treats you like this. You will be fine. This error was short lived. You are free to walk away and move on. Forgive yourself you are human and made a mistake. Doesn't mean you need to stick around and make more.

GrinchyMcGrincherson Sun 06-Nov-16 13:38:38

That should be he thinks women will put up and shut up.

merville Sun 06-Nov-16 13:40:35

I take it this was the 1st time you were 'intimate' (not that it sounds like intimacy the way he does it).
You're being v hard on yourself - you've blocked him and don't intend to see him again now that you've seen unequivocally what he's like - so you are acting 'right'. In an ideal world you wouldn't have gotten to the point of sleeping with him and stopped seeing him based on red flags in his behaviour/your instinct ... but that's an in ideal world.
What he said makes him sound like a mal-adjusted individual who sees the opposite sex as a blow up doll with 3 holes. He seems to have a very aggressive, exploitative, vulgar and derogatory attitude to sex.
I would also consider his attitude and behaviour when you were reluctant & uncomfortable to be coercive; one of the many forms of rape imo.
How you would prosecute and whether it would be worth it is open to debate; however it's entirely up to you and I have not got enough legal knowledge to be advising.
Don't be hard on yourself; you couldn't have known how bad he is until you got intimate, many people have found themselves in a similar position. We tend to dismiss & minimise things; all of us.

moonie70 Sun 06-Nov-16 13:40:42

Thank you for your replies , my judgement with men is so off , I need a complete break from dating .
I need to work on my self esteem .
I'm still in shock at how vile to say such a thin , he has daughters himself how would he feel if a guy treated them that way .
It's all I'm a great dad a great cook , I bake to , oh I'm a landscape gardener to , he told me a nurse put her phone number in his pocket once cause she liked him , I'm not so sure that's true !!! Wow his direct approach was something else it was like your with me now so you need to get this time off work cause I've got lots of things planned for us !!! I'm going to sweep you off your feet , last night on fb he put a pic of his bed which is all lit up around the head board really fancy and expensive and said can't wait to get to bed tonight , wtf why why did he do that , he lived his life through FB , it's like he wants people to think he leads sn amazing life .
God I've been stupid , I left my bloody new jumper at his to I've asked him to post it in a txt before I blocked him , I said I don't think we are suited and I wished him well , I know maybe I should of told him how he made me feel but what good would that do !

maggiethemagpie Sun 06-Nov-16 13:42:23

You have three options?

He has one option - to FUCK OFF!

Angry on your behalf at this man's attitude

ChuckGravestones Sun 06-Nov-16 13:42:35

Does he now have your address? Personally I'd have forgotten about the jumper and just blocked him.

moonie70 Sun 06-Nov-16 13:55:35

Yes he knows my address and his work office is based in the same village I work in . Yes re the jumper I might have to forget it , it was new tho but not to worry .
He's worked hard to get to where he is as he grew up in care and I think I admired him for that and wanted to try , he says he's friends with all his ex's but I'm sure they would say different .
Thank you for your words of wisdom

merville Sun 06-Nov-16 13:57:30

His lifestyle will always pull women in; how long they last will depend on how much abuse they're willing to take.
Somewhat takes the shine off romantic exotic breaks when you're companion's listing your options for being penetrated and doesn't care if he's hurting you during sex (in fact for that guy I'd imagine hurting someone is a bonus). He doesn't have much self-awareness or discretion, does he; there are other men equally as uuugh but they tend to know it's in their interests to not voice it out loud. Consider yourself lucky he did so the writing was on the wall plain to see.
Yes, I'd be interested to know how he'd feel about someone treating his daughter how he's treating women (99% he's been the same with others) but I doubt you'll get a satisfactory answer from him

Simonneilsbeard Sun 06-Nov-16 14:14:14

Omg what an entitled fucking dickhead! I was cringing at your initial discription of him tbh he sounded like a complete nob but Iv honestly never heard anything so vile!

This man clearly thinks women are just a collection of holes to empty his balls in ..what a degrading experience for you op xx

Now at least you know exactly what NOT to put up with!

abbsismyhero Sun 06-Nov-16 14:14:41

I would not have stayed and had sex with him why did you do that? Men like him will continue to get there own way until they are stood up too

flowers

moonie70 Sun 06-Nov-16 14:35:18

He picked me up and he lives a fair distance from me , we had both been drinking , he'd cooked a 3 course meal and before we actually went to bed everything was ok at that point , the rape comments and options re sex was said in the morning when I was still hung over , I'm not a prude at all when it comes to sex but I was just floored by the rape comment and he said the blow job comment a few times , I had penetrive sex a few times as I didn't want to have oral , a few times he asked about options , oh god what the actual fuck , his last gf must of been fine with his arrogance but not me , in all this was compliments genuine once when given at the time as I was laughing at something and looked at me and said your very pretty , I have zero confidence so was nice to hear , it seemed genuine anyway , I have anxiety and never slept a wink all Friday night at his or last night in my own bed , first time I've experienced anything like this , I did say your very bossy in bed demanding , if I said no once to oral I'd said it 4 times . In between was talk of how wonderful we were going to be together , sorry for the ramble and thanks for the replies

Vagabond Sun 06-Nov-16 14:38:01

If you had a stronger sense of self-worth, you would have ended the date earlier.

I think you're right that you need to take a break from dating. Work on yourself and build yourself back up to the wonderful you that is already there. This guy took total advantage of you and you were in a vulnerable situation. Frankly, he probably would have forced himself on you. What a horrible ordeal you for. Treat yourself, be kind to yourself and take care. xx

moonie70 Sun 06-Nov-16 14:39:56

Thank you vagabond x

Anicechocolatecake Sun 06-Nov-16 14:48:41

Honestly if you have zero confidence you're very vulnerable to things like this happening. These people spot it and overwhelm you and expect you to be flattered and get what they want.

I had a very similar experience many years ago and it really floored me but ultimately made me more aware of my vulnerabilities. Really all you can do is learn from this so you protect yourself next time (I mean by spotting red flags. Very little else you could have done). Pat yourself on the back for blocking him and take extra care of yourself until you feel less shaken and maybe look into the counselling for your confidence issues.

moonie70 Sun 06-Nov-16 15:13:42

Waiting on councilling , I'm such a bloody fool , I never learn , I'm over tired and over thinking , this thread and your replies has helped so thank you

roverman75 Sun 06-Nov-16 15:24:58

As a male ,I feel the way he treated you is absolutely disgusting, entitled is the way I'd describe his personality, run for the hills and don't look back ! Take care of yourself

moonie70 Sun 06-Nov-16 15:35:16

Thank you roverman as a male I appreciate your say, I'm not a prude or averse to try new things in bed but he was something , I shouldn't of but I've messaged him and told him how he made me feel and all he said back was ok yep just ok no apology , wow what an absolute wanket 🙁

moonie70 Sun 06-Nov-16 15:35:53

Wanker auto correct

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now